New Year Resolutions

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New Year’s Resolutions are for cunts, aren’t they.

~ be a better person
~ speak more to my family
~ become healthier
~ do the DIY jobs in my house

Why practise this false psychology? Who does it really benefit? Surely this prosaic tradition is for weak-minded plebs who have no self-control. The only thing these empty vessels love more than chasing their mediocrity is declaring their chimeras on soshul meeja. The whole concept has the stale odour of ‘motivational speak’ about it. I’m embarrassed for these gung-ho noodles when their gym membership card is accumulating dust in February and they’ve cracked open the Malbec by the 7th January.

Balls to empty goals and promises, bollocks to Dry January, resolutions can shit off.

“Hey Magnanimous, are you going down to the gym to further your training?”
“No, I’m going up to the Off Licence to further my Wet January.”

 

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

40 thoughts on “New Year Resolutions”

  1. Couldn’t agree more, Cap’n. I’ve only got one NY resolution, and that’s that’s to give the finger to NY resolutions.

  2. I always hated ny resolutions and didn’t see the point. If you want to do something just do it, why do you need ny as an excuse.
    However year before last I was trying to quit smoking and failing miserably so I thought as a new years resolution I’d quit smoking.
    Weirdly enough it actually worked and I haven’t smoked in a year, so I guess it can work sometimes.

    On a separate note, I think sky news and the police may be plumbing new depths of cuntitude….
    A 14 year old girl was raped in Burnley on new years day.
    They’re searching for a suspect so have released a brief description….
    Apparently the rapist has a beard and a “tanned complexion”….
    Hmmmmmmm……
    They can’t even say “asian male” anymore. Cunts.

      • Yea that was stupid but they’ve realised that everyone knows what “asian male” actually means which would be waysist so they’ve now changed it to “tanned complexion”….
        Personally as soon as I see the headline “14 year old girl raped” I know immediately the ethnicity of the perpetrator.
        ….doesn’t take a genius.

      • Very true but aquaman likes fish…
        Let’s lock him in a room with a goat and see what happens 😁….

    • Visiting Londonistan recently, I came across the mildly tanned, tanned, very tanned and very very tanned people who are, in many parts of that vibrant city, vastly outnumbering the non tanned

  4. Fucking right Cap’n.
    I always untake a single new year’s resolution and manage the task successfully throughout the year:
    to be less kind than ever to my fellow man.

  5. New Years Resolution…… increase the boiling point of my piss…..

    However the fucking BEEB 6 O’clock news has just surpassed the new boiling point

    Fucking sugar bollocks… kids eating to much… blabla

    But what has done it for me…. the fucking “family” they interview to give the story a human touch
    White Mum, double barreled name with two dark skinned, dark curly haired kids, adopted or balck husband unknow….. dad not present.

    Why….. fucking ultra PC cunts, did they advertise for a fucking ‘diverse’ family, only mixed race need apply……

    Piss fucking boiling and its only the fucking 2nd Jan.

    Cunts!

  6. The piss only came off the boil for seconds and we get the ‘migrant support groups’ condeming the Home Sec comments…. if they are genuine asylum seekers why didnt they claim asylum in France.

    Migrant fucking support groups ……. what a bunch of cunts!

  8. My New Year Resolution is to pay off all my maxed out credit cards, with my other credit cards….

    • Ha ha yea…..
      I recently did that.
      0% on balance transfers? Hmmm maybe time to bounce my debt around again.

  9. My resolution is the same every year…to carry on being a cunt in the face of cuntitude.

  10. Most people make Resolutions at the behest of their “better Half”or because they think it might impress their friends. I couldn’t give a tuppenny Fuck what anybody thinks about me or my personal habits,so have never felt the need to make any Resolutions. I consider myself above reproach or improvement.

    Fuck Off.

  11. my NYR is to stop trying to convince flat earthers that the earth isnt flat.. i still can’t decide if they are actually serious or just winding everybody up.

    • I have more chance teaching my cats to play guitar than get those pillocks to embrace reality. Fair play though, watching them on YouTube has cheered me up over shitmas, that no matter how bad things seem, at least I’m not fucked enough to believe any of this shit. Twats.

  12. My NYR is to Novichok Tony Blair.
    But I’ve never kept a NYR yet, so relax, social media police.

  13. Who is the fuck is this ugly fat lezza on ITV news harping on about a right for illegal immigrants to choose where they claim asylum? Fuck off you minge munching dyke.Take some in yourself,love.Deluded Guardian reading spazmatron.

    • Fucking Hell Krav – at least someone is getting a good cunting past the mods. Top post by the way – spazmatron – love it 😉

  14. My NY resolution is to learn how to stop worrying and love the fact that This Country Is Finished.

    • (Special thanks to our mentor Dr Strangelove who has never failed to inspire Creampuffs the world over).

  15. Never bothered with NYRs – you might be dead tomorrow, stabbed by a very tanned person with a “mental health” problem!

  16. Just seen that on the news Krav. They are criticising Sajid Javid for his strong language for daring to say the following…….whether people risking their lives crossing the English channel are genuine refugees and that if they are claiming asylum they should stay in the first safe country they entered.

    I don’t want to live in a third world shithole and if I did I would fuck off to one, but no doubt that would end up with me being beheaded……actually that could happen to me here.
    Fucking hate the sand dwelling cunts and it’s supporters.

    🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥🇪🇺🔥

    • That corpulent, intellectually challenged, uppity boon Lammy has Tweeted that Sajid Javid has “turned his back on the refugees and is lining up with the likes of Trump”.

      No Lammy, you wobbly great cunt; we have a border that needs protection and Sajid Javid is doing his job. These cunts could claim refuge in France or any other UN country between their origin and the UK. They are attempting to land in the UK for reasons of economic advantage. They are illegal immigrants, not fucking asylum seekers or refugees.

      Fatty Boom Boom Lammy is never one to shy away from over-egging his pudding and over-using emotive language. I suppose we will next hear that one of Lammy’s very dearest friends drown in the Channel.

      Fat fucking uppity CUNT.

      • Give him time Paul and I am sure Lammy will find one of his many friends drowned, then he can go on to the next disaster that affects his many sand dwelling peaceful but kind hearted rats. Lammy is indeed a jaffa eating cunt.

  17. My dry January is already causing misery cos now noone can if I’m being serious or not.

    • Reflections of My Life is a hideously underrated track. It is just so relevant. RIP Dean Ford – you went far too soon.

  19. More lefties cunts on LBC screaming that the Illegals paddling to the UK have the right to claim asylum here. I say fuck off you Guardian reading CUNTS.

    • Not wholly untrue. If they paddled here from Kurdish Iran, where they are about as welcome as pork chops in a synagogue (sorry), they’d have a case to claim. The lack of a continuous seaway is of course a problem. Komodo Enterprises, in partnership with Seaborne Freight, is currently constructing a canal from Iskenderun to Tabriz, and seeking HM Government’s investment in a project designed to replace migrants from the EU lost after Brexit with hardworking families of Kurds, thus saving the kebab industry.

  20. Like Mavis I’ve boxed myself into a corner, my new years resolution was not to make any New Years resolutions!
    Daft cunt 😂

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