Nightclubs.
I’m not sure how many esteemed fellow cunters used to/currently go to Nightclubs on a regular basis, but I would imagine all of us at one time can recall just how fucking shite they were, and indeed still are by all accounts. My raving days encompassed the mid-90s to the 00s; The last time I ever set foot in one of these rotten fucking meat-markets was January 2009. Thank fuck. You are basically sold the premise of some drug-fuelled, lust-utopia fuckfest out of a Lars Von Trier film. The harsh reality is far, far less fucking appetising.
In modern times, you basically pay between £10 and £20 to enter some flea-ridden, barely-lit, unwanted piece of commerical real estate under a fucking bridge or something. You proceed to get treated like utter fucking shite from start to finish by everyone from the cloak-room cunt to the barstaff to the big bolshy shitcunt bouncers. You then pay a fucking premium on lukewarm Coronas, and settle in to watch a handful of people pull amongst the sweating, heaving dancefloor, under the illusion that you are somehow missing out.
Meanwhile, the half-cast Asian on the wheels of steel spins out yet another biscuit-tin beat shit-cut at tinitis-inducing overpowering volume, and you begin to wonder why the fuck you do this to yourself week in and week out, as your innards pulse the half-digested korma and bottled piss-lager down your intestinal tract thanks to the ground-shaking fucking bass.
Piss-soaked carpets of stairs between levels are festooned with cunts out of their skull, probably driven in equal parts by peer pressure and a subliminal desperation to escape the fucking nightmare of the nightclub experience, and fat slags squeezed into ill-fitting Primark one-pieces cackle otherworldly on their office night out.
The mercy of closing time finally arrives, and the harsh lights reveal just how fucking disgusting everything is, with everyone herded out like fucking lobotomy outpatients and sent off into the freezing cold to negotiate the fallen scumcunts on the pavement, and the legion of unlicensed, non-English speaking shades of excrement hollering at you “you vant taxi take taxi please”.
Nightclubs were always fucking shite, and I’m frankly delighted that I don’t need to pretend that I love going to them anymore. They are closing <i>en masse</i> these days, due to less interest from millenials who prefer to take photos of themselves all night. Well, just like even human shite has a useful by-product as fertiliser, so too apparently do millenial anti-social tendencies – fuck the nightclubs and everything about them. Each and every one of them can go bust as far as I’m concerned.
Nominated by. The Empire Cunts Back.
As Primark gets a mention in Empires’ nom, I’d like to make everyone aware about my new venture, where I’m hoping to steal some of Primarks’ customer base.
I’m about to open a chain of shops selling inferior quality, second hand mens underwear, called Skidmark….
21
There were a few of us in the early 80’s that went as a group, but we only ever went for a drink and totally ignored the people there. Being in a group was the safest way to enter these rat-infested places but back then drugs didn’t seem to be so much top of the list of things to do as they seem to be now and there were no fucking mobiles. It was, in relative terms, also a hell of a lot cheaper to get in than nowadays.
8
As a miserable cunt I much prefer having several in the house watching my own TV at a tolerable sound level.
£8 for a pint of watered down piss or £6 quid for 4 bottles of 7.3% McEwan’s Champion (yes it’s strong but I like the taste)? Well it’s a no brainer isn’t it.
Thing is I’ve had this “mid 40’s” attitude to these places since I was about 21. I never saw the attraction of blowing a wad on fuck all just on the off-chance of “tapping off” with a member of the opposite sex.
Look at the cunts, Geordie Shaw wannabe slappers and dickheads chasing after them blowing their week’s wages on a single night out.
Nah, never been for me. However I have always been a miserable cunt that way!
19
Never been to a nightclub Rebel, like you I won,t pay the prices. Tuxedo Princess, Maddisons with Chasers. A load of cunt.
7
I went once… back in the ’80s… a new girlfriend at the time wanted to see what anyone in their right mind would immediately recognise as a hellhole, was like…
Could not wait to get the fuck out!
8
Agreed, I’ve not been in a pub since about 2000 since I can get shitfaced on a tenth of what it would cost me in a pub, there’s not really much piss on the floor at home, certainly no cunts (apart from me), I can get a snack/food anytime I want at no or very little cost, watch something I WANT on TV, no fucking sport. And I’m not very likely to get lamped by some pissed-up twat who only went out for a scrap. On the downside I only have my wife to look at, but then there’s also access to xvideos, pornhub, xhamster etc so life ain’t at all bad.
11
Looks like a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-lose-win-win-win situation to me Moggie.
3
Never been to one. Who the fuck wants to play bingo all night?
9
Good cunting. I’m well past it now but never liked them and never really had the urge to drink myself stupid in a dangerous environment. Prefer to talk shit when inebriated rather than drown in a cacophony of shite music put on by a moron.
7
Already bets being taken on the naming of yet another and the most recent royal waste of taxpayers money.
Great odds on Shaggy, Wayne, Gormless and Lionel.
Think I will go for either Dipshit (named after the father) or Mohammed (to appease our new peaceful friends).
God, how I am so fed up with the royal breeding programme and yet another useless pointless irrelevant fucking twat added to one of the most disfunctional families this country has to offer.
Do the TV news channels really think that anyone gives a fucking toss about yet another royal sponger who will achieve fuck all in his lifetime (like all the other royals), and the reporter cunts standing outside the hospital waiting for such pointless news. Always behind them are several police. For fucks sake, get them to do something useful like catching criminals or something.
6
The joyous announcement took me back to another era,,,
https://jimbeauxdean.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ChasAddams-ItsABaby-710×1024.jpg
And congratulations, Sir and Madam, on making a baby with your genitals.
2
Me also Komodo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyrHM1rcVh4
Also the announcements of the pregnancy are completely ridiculous, why do we need to be told that the prince has shagged his Mrs?
3
How very common… more likely he used a solid silver turkey baster.
6
Think you’re onto a winner there Willie – Mohammed’s an almost sure fire bet. Middle name Dodi? About time these white supremacist Royals paid more than lip service to the wonders of multiculturalism…
6
My money’s on Barack. Barack Dianate LeSchwartzian Windsor.
4
Just wait til the ginger-bred one pops out in around a year’s time.
The gushing over that one will far exceed anything seen thus far in the PC era we live in!
8
One is amazed they managed to produce anything remotely human.
3
Ditto CF,
Used to do the same as you, proper clubs playing decent tunes definitely not cuntfest meat markets playing pop chart shite full of pissed up pricks who appeared to have bathed in kouros!!
Did Ibiza for many years, although it’s fucking pretentious had some amazing times out there, two of my mates work in travel and used to get us in to the clubs for free sometimes inc drinks, saved us a fair few quid…
11
Nightclubs. Overpriced drinks, shit music, wall to wall twats, drunken slappers, doormen who combine the intimidating bulk of a runaway bulldozer with the tact and diplomacy of, errr, a runaway bulldozer and so on.
Go to an all weekend motorcycle rally instead…
8
Had connections in Belfast and Glasgie in the ’70s/80s. Tough times. Appropriately one of the sweat boxes in NI was called Animal. Legendary door security called Thadius, six foot three orf gut, muscle and hate. Skin head, scars and attitude. Wore the regulation black leather coat and steel reinforced boots. There to take care orf business.
Would work the door alone and was the target orf many a lad orf violence looking to make a reputation. You’se looken for me? If they made that mistake and moved towards him he simply stepped back and three similar goons stepped oit orf the shadows and kicked the contender shitless. Nice routine.
Heard he was kneecapped a while later but that was because he made the wrong moves in a drugs deal. Present club scene are amateurs against that school orf hard knocks.
Now the ’60s, drug fuelled pseudo hippies laced with aristocracy (Princess Margaret..what..) and the Mafia. Real faces around then Remember the George Raft affair, unsuitable to run or at least front a casino? Bum’s Rush George. Glory days.
8
Last nightclub I went to was in Tokyo many years ago, aged 43. Lots of beautiful Japanese ladies out on the pull. Unfortunately has been drinking since lunchtime and was completely pissed. Two girls tried to chat me up, One was young and gorgeous, the other her boss, older and less attractive. An American guy came over to me and asked which one I was interested in and I said both, and told him to fuck off. Unfortunately due to my inebriated state ended up with neither, who at the end of the evening left together and on their own.
Whilst there got talking to a Japanese businessman who was with a stunning girl who spent most most of the night dancing. Noticing he wore a wedding ring and said I thought his wife was absolutely fantastic. “That’s not my wife” he told me with a smile.
In my limited experience would have to say hated the British nightclubs but loved the Japanese equivalent.
10
I recall an interesting in house disposal, suspended above the dance floor were halogen lights, when someone kicked off there was a sudden flash blinding the “contenders”, a whippet like bouncer shot across the floor grabbing the blinded contender by the belt and ran him like a battering ram through two sets of swing doors and then launched him down the steps past the two rather large doormen, who were not going to let him back in.
(those were the days)
11
Not just nightclubs here, club 18 – 30 land abroad.
I wandered around Kavos in the daylight once and the groups of women resembled herds of Heifers. No wonder everywhere at night is dark with flashing lights to confuse the blokes. You’d have to be blind drunk and high on drugs to stick your cock into any of these munters.
9
Dear William and Kate congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy.
If you’re interested I have a cot which my son doesn’t need anymore.
Yours truly
Verney Troyers mom
9
And some toys which Owen Jones threw out of his pram.
8
I am the first to say that I have been wrong about some things in the past and perhaps unsure about others unlike the LBC presenter James O’Brian who has apparently never been wrong about anything in his entire life. The fact he uses ten of the longest words he can muster to describe something that he could quite easily do with one, suggests that he is very insecure about how clever he actually is. There is one thing that I can say with confidence and that is James O’Brian is the biggest COCK that has ever been on the radio and there have been quite a few cocks!
7
The US has “Dr Martin Luther King” day and – so’s not to be outdone – we are now to have an annual “Stephen Lawrence” day.
The only thing that links them being that they were both killed by cunts.
Where is the “Lee Rigsby” day then? He too was killed by a pair of cunts wasn’t he?
Oh that’s right, he doesn’t have the right amount of virtue-signalling boxes to check to warrant a day for him – even though he was an active serviceman.
Who knows, maybe in 10yrs time we’ll have “Stabbed to Fuck Culturally Enriched Yardy-Boy” day. Or how about “Jihadi – we didn’t really mean to blow fuck out of you, or drive over you” day.
I’m not belittling what happened to Stephen Lawrence but for fuck’s sake! Really???
9
Fuck me you can tell Wills doesn’t do the kids seats very often can’t you!
Christ it was like watching a Krypton Factor challenge!
3
Oh and here’s the Abbott thing bleating on about the “Bumrush” mistakes.
I hope there are no figures she has to remember – the CUNT!
9
I heard the useless cunt on radio four, her speech to the commons. Why nobody said ‘fuck up and sit down’ is beyond me…
5
I used to love the clubs, getting off my head on mind expanding drugs and getting off with some like minded slut. Thats before i graduated to swingers clubs, that was truly something else. I would pay the devil to have those days back.
4
Always hated nightclubs. The only reason for going was to try and get my end away during dry spells.
My dance style could best be described as unique, somewhat like a quadriplegic having 400 volts stuck through it, so that was never going to woo fair maiden.
Music taste definitely on the alternative side, Kylie minogue, Wham and ‘dance’ music were like fingernails down a blackboard to me and what I describe as repetative children’s music for the aurally and cranially challenged.
The local clubs where I grew up were more like a kindergarten, full of rough as fuck teenage slappers looking for a meal ticket for their illegitimate offspring of varying hues and the male of the species would congregate in groups looking for a fight with anyone they didn’t like the look of on the dancefloor. Particularly if the object of their disdain had inadvertently started dancing with Shazza, the lead fuckwit’s ‘bird’.
There have been some comedy moments though. On a night out in Dartford, three mates and I planned a night out at Zen nightclub and within ten minutes were offered outside to ‘sort it out’ by the local chavs. To this day it is still a mystery what four blokes trying to drink beer and score some slappers needed to ‘sort out’, but we ditched the drinks and thought a night at home playing sonic the hedgehog while stoned off our tits on squidgy black would be a more civilised way to end the evening and keep our teeth.
The filthy chavsters didn’t think that was the end of it and decided to follow us out of the club and into the car park. Even though we did warn the bouncers that we were going to be followed.
The next few minutes are something of a blur, with our driver for the evening being stone cold sober and in the mood to get the fuck out of Dodge at the earliest opportunity.
He had the MK IV Cortina fired up with all of us inside in the space of a couple of seconds. The chavs about 20 meters behind us.
To cut a long story short…. Two chavs went over the bonnet, the half dozen other fucktards trying to punch and kick the car either had their toes run over or were reversed into with considerable force and as I remember, there was only one left standing by the time we high tailed it back to the relative safety of Wilmington.
If I want to go deaf while screaming my watered down drinks order over a packed bar that has more adhesive qualities that gorilla glue and end the night with my head kicked in by random strangers, I will be sure to visit another nightclub.
Still hate them. Never understood the fascination. Always full of cunts.
4
In my younger days I went in all the clubs. Once. They were all the same. Charged a small fortune to get in. Charged a ridiculous amount for shit ale. Stupid tarts, gormless bovver boys trying to prove themselves, immature bouncers out to intimidate everyone whether they were looking for trouble or not. And on most occasions the music was awful. I asked myself why I bothered. And I stopped going.
5
Great post, Mr TECB.
2
Don’t talk to me about night clubs! I’ve seen far too many of them from the other side of the stage curtains in my time!
They might feign fake glamour from the outside but that seedy run down look pales into insignificance from the dressing room. Well I say dressing room. Often some rat infested stinking toilet – literally – whee we’d sit and pay cards on an upturned tea chest, tune up and drink up while waiting for Uncle Fester and The Cock Grabbers to finish their set before we went on.
The owners were bent as fuck financially and sexually and if they could get out of paying us the full whack often would.
Nightclubs were shit holes run by bent cunts who fleeced every sucker they could – employees, acts,customers, the fucking works.
A well deserved cunting that brings back far too many memories that I’d rather forget. Sure Limply will back me on this one too!
5
Never had a problem with nightclubs, always avoided the Sharon & Tracey ones, just went to proper do’s put on by like minded people playing music i wanted to hear and never drank or tried to pull. Don’t get me wrong im sure there was the odd cunt floating about but they never bothered me.
2
typical Cardiff city centre Saturday nite, a total cunt fest…..
1
Everything there is to say about clubs has already been said. Excellent cunting everyone. A massive cunt fest. Cunts everywhere. Cunty people, cunty music and cunty drinks. Slightly more bearable provided you’re off your face. Only good for one thing and that’s getting yourself a shag. Wake up in the morning next to some filthy, beaten-up old slapper and regret it instantly. Do it again the next week.
0