Superhero films

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Superhero films are shit, aren’t they?

Oh look, another film with people who can fly and become invisible and women who are just as strong as men, actually, and science being twisted and time being travelled so much you end up confused, fatigued, and paralysed by the nonsense of it all while another perfect superhero with an American accent beats the baddie (usually white, often an English accent) in a baffling, nonsensical barrage of noise and computer graphics, brightly-coloured piss from the DC/Marvel abattoir, tiresomely devoid of dama and tediously bereft of humanity.

Why do they continue making these hackneyed cartoons? Who the fuck is paying to watch this predictable, insubstantial dogshit? Is Hollywood now only making films for 15-year old, spotty adolescent virgins? It’s the tat over and over.

Low-brow to the extreme and with paper-thin plots, they seem to be deficient of any purpose other than using special effects to bedazzle you out of ten quid. They have all the substance of a CBBC programme , they have the sophistication of an East-European drug dealer and are about as convincing as Diane Flabbot flogging her Christmas vegan cookbook.

Look, a new actor playing Spiderman…look Batman & Superman fighting someone….look Wonderwoman and Batgirl being tough without looking like muscley, gruesome bulldykes.

What about a superhero who saves England from a demonic bunch of frothing gangsters demanding an unreasonable ransom? How about one that takes on a cult of empty-minded zombie terrorists who believe in a deity that lives in the clouds? Instead we have clichéd, manufactured dross, warmed up for the current generation in ever-developing technology, 4-d cinemas, squirting water, vibrating the seats, continually bombarding you with music and saccharine sentiment to distract you from the absence of quality.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

90 thoughts on “Superhero films”

  1. Poor yanks, they haven’t got anyone like King Arthur or Robin Hood in their history, so they invented all these weirdos.
    If current trends continue it can’t be long before Batman and Robin come out as brown hatters..,…then the Penguin will be well and truly fucked.

    • They could rewrite history in these too and remake the films or alter them with computer fandangalry to make characters such as penguin a peaceful religion worshiper by day, terrorist down the market by night.

      They want included don’t they?

  2. I quite like some of the marvel and DC stuff although I’ll agree Batman Vs Superman was wank in a similar vein as Star Trek Discovery and Star Wars Last Jedi (the latter being the subject of another cunting)

  3. Totally agree and any cunt over eleven seen dressed up as a superhero or are known to collect memorabilia /tat from superhero filums should have a chair wrapped firmly around their heads…… The soft cocked cunts.

    (this is the views of birdman and ISAC does not condone the wrapping of chairs around soft cocked cunts heads)

    • Those cunts that dress up are seriously cunted between the ears.

      However some beauties in skin tight outfits make well for a perving session. If they like dressing up like that, they won’t miss a bedroom opportunity.

  5. Remember that “peaceful” hero Super Bomberman?

    Oh no, hang on a minute, that was a game wasn’t it…

    Virtual reality before they even realised what it was!

  6. Forgot to say, Gotham is fuckin brilliant…… Absolutely fuckin brilliant.

    So yeah, I’m a twisted cunt.

      • Gotham Penguin gay Birdman? Hope that’s not a spoiler, cos last I saw he was a good old fashioned asexual psychopath. Asexual. Maybe I’ve missed a season, we only watch when it comes to channel 5 (?)…

      • In reply to both birdman and Shitcake. Glad you are still enjoying Gotham birdman, it has made for some decent telly. Unfortunately Shitcake Netflix are showing this series of Gotham. Channel 5 were due to show this series but for some unknown reason, and they haven’t said why as yet, they wouldn’t.

      • Gotham series 4 can be found on various bootleg film websites, if your internet provider hasn’t blocked them.

      • Hey Gingers Balsac

        Series 3 was excellent but I missed two episodes near the end due to being stoned… Baaaaaaaaaaah

      • He’s in love with the Riddler and wants to be butt fucked by the Riddler, so, yeah, gay as a Saturday night talk show host.

  7. Any film featuring superheroes or zombies is a cunt. Any anyone over 11 who watches it is a total cunt.

    With the notable exception of Shaun of the Dead which doesn’t really count cos it’s a piss take.

    • I agree with you about Zombie films, see one, you’ve seen them all. There is another one that’s a parody, ‘Otto, Or Up With Dead People’. Gay German zombies.

      • George A Romero’s first three “Dead” films were decent, because they had something to say and were outside the Hollywood mainstream.
        The Dead Snow films, while really comedies, are gruesome and very funny in places.

  8. I agree …. We need Dirty Harry back …. Blowing all the benders , snow flakes and any one else who gets in the way……
    How much more light weight shite will they feed us….?

  9. Polanski’s Macbeth is my go-to reminder of the real world as an antidote to all this superhero cuntworthy bollocks. Superb blood fuelled violence, gratuitous nudity, cackling hairy witches and mud-encrusted locations. So just like modern day East Cleveland then.

    • They made us watch that for English literature at school. More blood than Dawn of the Dead….

      • I wonder if it was me who showed it you Mr B? I’m the only cunt I know who regularly subjected the little shits to it. Mind you, the seven year olds did find it a tad disturbing…

      • Shakespeare was the Video Nasty director of his day. I got up my English teacher’s nose by suggesting that if Shakespeare was alive in modern times, he would be making movies with gunfights, car chases and biker sluts in them.
        Didn’t go down well at all…

    • Wow, I can confirm that we were also shown that version for English Literature, and I got quite the teenage hard-on for mad milf Lady MacBeth.

      I seem to vaguely remember one cunt in the class fainting/screaming/bawling at the vision of Banquo at the feast.

      Great times.

      • We had a cunt faint whilst watching that, pissed his pants along with it. Came out a few years later too, who would have thought.

      • Shakespeare plays are ridiculously violent. Titus Andronicus is the most violent – rape, hands cut off, eyes gourged out, etc. Fucking ace.

  10. Batman Begins is a fucking brilliant film. But then Batman isn’t a superhero anyway.
    A British star and British director, showing Uncle Sam how to do things properly…

    • Dark Knight was better IMO, the Heath Ledger depiction of the Joker was very enjoyable to watch. Not just the unrefined aesthetics but also the fact that he was a violent dangerous psychopath and not just a two – dimensional clown parody whose only trait was laughing hysterically and firing green coloured laughing gas out of his arse.

      • All three of Nolan’s Batman films are good quality viewing, although the last one does go on for a bit and has Tom Hardy delivering his lines with a bucket over his head…

        “Now is not the time for fear. That comes later…”

  11. Make a new version with a poove and call it Batty Man. Mind you that could be construed as a bit gender specific.

  12. Richard Donner’s Superman films with Gene Hackman and Terence Stamp were good… The third one was crap (apart from Pam Stephenson’s tits) and the fourth one is one of the biggest turds in cinema history…

    • Dear god the “Quest for Peace”.
      Fucking Nuclear Man looked like a refugee from a Glam Rock outfit…

  13. In the beginning (1950s) my very well read mum fed me a regular diet of Beano/Dandy/Topper, etc, all good stuff. Later (1960s) I graduated to Marvel/DC comics – and they were the fucking bees-wax! Batman, Superman et al, the whole kit n’ caboodle, couldn’t get enough of it…but then I sort of grew up (1970s)…

    The ’60s Batman TV series was great fun, but agree with previous posts, the films are almost without exception a stream of unmitigated Hollywood jizz bubble, and do nothing to stimulate the imagination or make you think – just the opposite in fact. That way by design? Probably not. By cuntisity, more like.

    Only exception I can think of right now is Gotham, created by the same bloke who did Mentalist, another recent American export worth a view, imho.

  14. What I would pay to see would be a film charting the adventures of Dan Dare (a future pilot) his (straight) friend Digby and the evil Mekon (of unknown sexuality and probably race).

    I believe the only English Super Hero is Bicycle Repair Man. Americans are – in this respect – ridiculous.

  16. Total and utter shite the lot of it !
    The Broons or Oor Willie were the go to stuff when i was a boy – real life stuff not fuckin save the world usa style
    The CUNTS

    • Spot on Cumnock, it was Maw Broon & Daphne (always dieting etc to net a man) that lowered my expectations preparing me for women in the real world.

      Maw Broon was a dark horse with all them weans, all looking nothing like paw. I think she was a milf getting action from all roads when him and Grandpaw were at the pub in the evenings.

  17. Correct SB, Gotham is pretty good as was The Following with the recently cunted Kevin Bacon, though nothing to do with superhero’s. A big song and dance was made over the Wonder Woman film this year, with femenazi cunts banging the drum for diversity and the usual clichéd bollocks of ‘strong, independent women’, woman director, women only screenings (no sexism there) and another Hollywood box ticked.

    • Come to think of it, the first couple of Iron Man filums weren’t bad, were they? Don’t remember too well, wot with ye olde dementia kicking in like.

  18. What makes the shit hang sideways with Superhero fucking dross:

    1) At least the 80s Superman films were just a bit of fun. Now, Superhero cunts have to be brooding fuckers with convoluted, tortured childhoods and cod psychology complexities. As many others have noted, this is now veering into accomodating quotas of gays, ethnics and all other box-ticking right-on demographics.

    2) The now almost shameless attempts to milk audiences with endless reboots of the same fucking character. Reboots, remakes and all that wank are a classic sign of how devoid Hollywood is in terms of creativity. Each reboot, from what scant I can tell from the deluge of marketing and promotion, is a further reduction in intelligible acting/plot and an increase in explosions. Utter shite.

    3) The wankery of cunts watching these films. Especially sci-fi stuff, people become almost fucking obsessed.

    Back when before the BBC became the Al-BBC, they put out real, hard-hitting stuff like Scum and Threads. I watched Threads a few months ago for probably the third time in my life, and it remains a proper hard-hitting, affecting experience. Now in 2017 you have these stool samples forced down the throats of gullible cunts.

    These Supercunt films are less fulfilling than the porn parodies which they spawn. That’s how bad they have become.

    • I can’t see Scum ever being aired on Al JaBeeba. Imagine the outcry over Angel’s cell ‘treatment’ and associated dialogue at the hands of the spiteful cunt, Sands?

  19. I’ve often wondered what the actors, directors and crew think while they’re making yet another shit ‘ superhero’ film( and that’s film not movie). Do they actually think ‘ this is fantastic! Could be an Oscar in it for us.’ Or are thinking ‘ let’s get this shit done for the plebs, collect our money and get the fuck out of here’.

  20. O’ Briern isn’t all bad ! He’s making a very good point this morning. David Davies said he would resign if his friend Damien Lewis was sacked, we’re waiting !

  21. I’m way ahead of you Cunts. I’ve already written the screenplay for Moaning Old Bastard Man. Armed only with a foul mouth and a vast array of farming and forestry implements (we’re talking balers,combines,chippers,chainsaws etc.) MOB man takes on his deadly foe, Chutney Ferret Man. Chutney and his mincing minions attempt to spread “The Gayness” by taking over every television chat show and screaming hysterically for no apparent reason. Chutney’s only apparent weakness (apart from the obvious health risks involved in Chemsex parties) is his fondness for the Royals. MOB man uses this to his advantage when he fools Chutney into attending a Queer’s Garden Party where MOB man,implausibly dressed as Prince Edward,nips off Chutney’s nuts with a set of bull-castration pliers,thereby curing him of his wanton lust for bumholes. Chutney will be suitably grateful for his Salvation and spend the rest of his days as a proctologist curing wrecked rectums
    I can foresee endless sequels…MOBM verses Coon man,vs Priest man vs Sponger man etc. All leading up to the Grand Finale,MOB man’s most implacable enemy, MOB man’s nemesis…. Scotch Git Man. This one doesn’t end well, I fear.

    Fuck them.

    • MOB man could distract Scotch Git Man with a few carefully discarded 2p’s or the dregs of a Bells.

      • Hell,no. Following a dreadful night of over-indulgence resulting in an appearance in Court and his name being put on the Pubwatch Scheme banning him from every local watering-hole, MOBM limits himself to Guiness,Port or Bushmills.

      • Any studio worth its salt would be nuts to turn down a synopsis of that imagination, quality & magnitude!!

        Any chance I can get in on the ground floor with the purchase of a few grand’s worth of shares in your brilliant new creation Dick?

      • Most certainly, SB. I’ve been looking for people of foresight to invest in the next big thing. As I said to my good friend Justice Um’Bongo (a Nigerian Prince,no less), “What we need are people who know how to keep a secret. People who know a good thing when they see it.People who’ll hand over their life savings,no questions asked.”……after reading your posts I do believe that you could be just the type that we seek,SB…. 🙂 .

  22. Interesting little insight about Boris Johnson. Apparently before he goes out to make a speech he deliberately ruffles his hair !

    • All adds to his ‘roguish charm’ and general buffoonism to disguise the fact he’s a bit of an operator.

  23. Personally I’ve always enjoyed escapist entertainment, but in recent times the whole concept has been tainted by the film industries obsession with endless right-on messages, supposedly “gritty realism” and the need for critical adulation from chin-stroking social commentators.
    Add to that ego driven actors and directors wanting to be percieved as “serious artists” (groan) by the aforementioned chin-stroking cunts and the whole thing just becomes bloated, self-regarding and rather joyless. Which defeats the main object of escapist entertainment anyway.
    And as for what they’ve done to the Bond films… Fuck!

    • The miserable cunt Craig is so far removed from Flemming’s incarnation, as for leftist cunts calling for a black/gay/woman Bond is this not some kind of appropriation since it was originally written as a white, straight male?.

      • Many lefty liberal types hail Quantum of Solace (Quantum of Bollocks more like) as a classic simply because Craig gets to mumble something about Imperialism in one scene.
        And of course it has a downbeat ending. A sure sign of “intelligent film making”.
        I’d rather watch any of the cheesiest, preposterous Roger Moore instalments on a loop, over and over again, for all eternity, than see five seconds of any Bond film with Daniel fucking Craig in.
        Barbara Broccoli touts herself as a “progressive feminist” and yet the female characters in Craig’s films aren’t a patch on Barbara Bach or Jill St John, in terms of either looks or depth.
        Bond used to save the world, with a swagger and a raised eyebrow.
        Now he can’t even save Judi fucking Dench.
        A pathetic, incompetent failure.
        The real Bond films died the second Madonna started screeching “Die Another Day…”

      • And old Cubby Broccoli wouldn’t have given a shit about the BAFTAs either. He would have just lit up a big cigar and counted the takings..

      • Off topic, a man of “Afghan descent” has ploughed a car into pedestrians in Australia and of course it “Isn’t terror related but he does have mental health issues.”
        Another man was arrested at the scene because he was filming the incident and he just happened to be carrying a bag of knives at the time.
        Fuck me!!! Not terror related.. no, of course not.

      • You could say peacefulness is a mental health illness, the sly Ozzie cunts!

        They better watch with Isis heading across the Philippines, won’t be long…

        They were in the Philippines a couple of months ago, nothing heard of since.

        Just like Brazil’s Zika virus, finished after the games finished.

  24. Saw a movie trailer on the tv the other day that wasn’t a cunting super hero movie regurgitation. It was for an action movie and I had a twinge of nostalgia, remembering back a couple of years when they still did that shit. Seems every diving movie out now is some rehash of the same cunting shite that the feminists and sjw cunts have taken over, the cunts.

  25. The 1980s was a golden age for action movies. No CGI crap, real stuntmen and real explosions and usually all topped off with a suitably groan-inducing one liner.
    Howls of outrage from the church, press and moral campaigners (fascists), concerned schoolteachers, toffee nosed critics sneering impotently, wankers like David Puttnam (snob) desperately trying to convince audiences that a three hour wankfest about a genteel butler was more worthy entertainment…
    Good times…

  26. I only really watch movies with Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon or Jennifer Anniston. I admire the way they immerse themselves into their character and how they adapt their phrasing, so no sexist reason at all.

    • I reckon shagging Nicole Kidman would be like shoving your cock in a two-week old sandwich that’d been left in the fridge. Miserable, botox’d bitch has got a face like a slapped arse.

      In my opinion.

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