Lorraine Kelly [2]

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Britain faces many problems – SurKweer trying to turn us into a communist state, via the EU, Rachel From Accounts bankrupting every British business, Sadiq Kunt turning London into a third world hell hole ruled by knife wielding riff-raff, Ed Miliband offering power cuts and bills through the roof, Putin totally losing his shit, but what is exercising the Daily Mail, apart from cancer?

This plain and pricey old bag, who gushes to soap stars and theatrical royalty,and wets her knickers when she speaks to an actual American film “star”, Lorraine has infested morning television for 14 years, apparently, and regards herself as a Goddess, and is miffed because her otiose show is being cut from 60 minutes to 30 and she will only gush for 30 weeks a year instead of 52. Her employers love her so much they even offered to let her “retire” a year early, which shows the value they place on her squawkfest. She is 65 and concerned about her future – after all she isn’t getting any younger, and by the look of that face she isn’t getting any. Surely the easy money she would get on the old age pension should be enough for the old bissom. There is always the food bank at the end of the road, though I doubt they dish out deep fried Mars bars.

She is not the only one – Richard Madley, the wine expert, has had a whine because he was going to be sacked, but by snarling and having a hissy fit he has been “spared”. Desperation is a terrible thing to behold. One more contract is like one more fix for a drug addict, or one more drink for an alcoholic. They have virtually no self respect if they are prepared to beg for their useless jobs.

These halfwits seem to think the world revolves around them, and the comfort they bring to the proletariat – but how up their own arses they sound. Does anybody really NEED morning TV?. It encourages lazy housewives to lounge around in their night attire all morning (get in the kitchen and wash those fucking dishes, woman!), students who can’t be bothered to study, and the unemployed. I can imagine the typical morning TV fan is that Stacey Solomon woman and her half witted husband Joe Swash, and their chavvy children, all sitting there scratching their arses.

ITV is very short of money – the solution is obvious, scrap the morning sofas and self important “journalists” (“is Mick Jagger doing anything cool this week?”), play the test card till teatime, and tell all these bottom feeder to fuck off and get a proper job.

Problem solved – simples!

Daily Fail.

Nominated by : W. C. Boggs

68 thoughts on “Lorraine Kelly [2]”

  2. I think you’re greeaaat, fantastic!!!
    Apparently many Scots haven’t heard anyone with an accent like hers.
    Dreadful fucking woman.

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  3. Morn W. C. Boggs,
    I’m still annoyed about all the advertising one had to suffer from idiot tv before we could record their hourly shows of 45 minutes and skip the fucking things. Hours, days, weeks, months and years we can’t get back. I now ignore the cunts by not watching their shite. Even though Lorraine can suck my ageing cock if she likes.

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    • Thank God such a method is available now – some of the pure shit they show. Old bags gushing about “Pure Cremations”, those middle aged men eating Haribo and voiced by six year old girls, the pansies who screech about – is it? – EasyJet, the ethnic couple shopping at Sainsburys, mixed race families using cleaning products in the kitchen and lavatory (surely almost unheard of in real life?) . Talking Pictures have a really ghastly long advert that encourages old biddies to turn out their drawers and send the contents to a company who will be very kind and send them a few pounds in exchange. They get worse – before long the dreadful Salvation Army Xmas charity advert will be back, with their mournful brass band.

      We should never had let ITA/ ITV start up back in 1955. Gibbs SR was alright, but those coloured boys rapping about Lucosade todasy

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      • It was around the time of the ESSO SIGN with the black, when I stopped watching the adds to stay sane.

  6. I only know 2 things about this cunt, beyond this nom .. (1) she’s Scottish and (2) a no-talent of any type multi millionaire.

    She has a mush on her there that could see her cast as a trolley-pushing bag lady if you threw a dirty duffel coat on the cunt, though.

    I hit the google to see if ‘millionaire’ was accurate. The estimates range from the 4x to 7x range. ‘Book sales’ being a part of it.

    To quote Unkle Terry, … Dear me …

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    • It’ strange – it is only since ITV got their obsession with lesbian football all evening on weekdays that they have been in financial dire straights. Could it be that not so many people are as interested in bull dykes in shorts and mud as Kevin Lygo is, allegedly?

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  9. Lorraine Kelly may be a square-jawed, screeching Jock, but is not wholly unattractive when you compare her to most Scotch women over 30, who tend to be bloaters with no teeth and appalling skin due to their diet of deep-fried Mars Bars and Irn Bru, not to mention they usually have more tattoos than a Maori warrior, plus a weight to match.

    Inevitably they are accompanied by sallow, hollow-cheeked, unemployed heroin addict partners, pushing their snotty nosed screaming benefit-ticket “wee-uns” along in pushchairs heading for the pub or the chip-shop, all the time jabbering at their brood in some language that can only have been invented by a Tourettes suffering, stroke afflicted product of generations of inbreeding.

    So not a complete cunt in my book, mainly cos she’s one of the few jock women her age not to have morphed into a total horror.

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    • Fuck that Ron … a case where outright cuntitude eclipses middling-attractiveness(including adjustment for age, I might add).

      Have a look for her recent ‘Island of Strangers’ pooh-poohing with it’s/her air of migration being, well just really great ….

      I don’t know how anyone could fuck something that stupid, it’s relative middling attractiveness with age-adjustment notwithstanding…

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      • Typo ; ^ It’s IMmigration = really awesome, as per Mz Reid… especially in her ‘home town'(quoting her, there) of London.

        The ‘papers’ ignored it (that’s why I haven’t got a link for you) .. but the first YT hit has her shite talk on the matter in full.

      • As the good book tells us …

        ‘Let not any one pacify his conscience by the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part yet conceals his opinion. He is not a good man who, without stating any protest, allows multifarious wrongs to be uttered because he will not trouble himself to exhibit his truer mind, but to make allowances about a subject in order to ‘give one’ to a – at best – moderately attractive, pigshit-thick mid-fifties bird.

        Revelations Chapter 6, verse 9.

        (Not to be an undisclosed hypocrite, however, : Charlotte Hawkins could petrol bomb an orphanage and I’d still allow her to giz a traditional beige-mac flash if she proffered an intention to do so).

  12. Susannah Reid. I would smash her like a Cadbury’s Smash Martian smashing a bowl of Cadbury’s Smash.

    I also remember when Breakfast Telly on the BBC had the lovely Selina Scott, And Jane Irving was a bit of a MILF on 80s TV-AM.

    Best time for breakfast TV was when there was a strike, and there was endless repeats of Batman.🦇

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    • Grief-whoring attention whore. The cunt is long dead Kate, find another cock to take your mind of him and/or shut the fuck up…

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      • ha ha … what dude wants to get a blowjob anyway, if the quid pro quo is you’d have to listen to the cunt say .. ”your .. slurp … dick .. reminds me .. slurp .. of .. slurp …DEREK’s wonderful dick …”

        And then having to read about it in tabloids a few days later….

        … ‘the jizz didn’t taste like Derek’s jizz at ALL … and that got me really sad thinking about Derek, Kate told us and how she has confided in showbiz friends Susanna and Lorraine about it.

        D’ya try an immigrant cock by any chance? asked Reid enthusiastically… to which Garaway surreptitiously stuck a fork into her own thigh to elicit a sympathy-chasing tear ; but it was after 1pm in the day so Lorraine – a Scot – was already pretty drunk and didn’t reply with anything legible.

  15. The former she thrived in doesn’t cut it anymore. There’s a lot more choice and those with a mind can find stimulating interesting podcasts or watch something they choose over watch whatever the terrestrial channels serve up like they did in the days before people had opinions.

    Kelly is a dinosaur, go quietly into the swamp haggard old woman.

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    • The accent AND the voice. The latter is a twee, pretend-giggly thing trying to artificially sound like a young girl. That boat left decades ago. The former sounds like Victoria Wood playing Mrs.Doubtfire having a senior moment.

      Like rubbing a cheese-grater on your cock.

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    • Afternune LL (in a Scottish accent).
      Well, that’s my wank sorted for later…trying to find a pair of lezzers with the densest, blackest badgery minges possible.

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  19. Fat quare Rodney and tree swinger lammy have given control of Gibraltar to Europe..

    Can we swap the Labour Party for the barbary macaque’s.
    More intelligent and sling less faeces than the Labour pavement apes.

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    • Coming up next:
      The Elgin Marbles surrendered to Greece
      The Falklands surrendered to Argentina
      The Channel Islands and Isle of Wight surrendered to France
      Northern Ireland surrendered to the Republic
      Bradford surrendered to Pakistan

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    • Gibraltar is a complete dump surrounded by chemical factories. If the spics put in a good offer; flog it!

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      • Rodney the great dealmaker will insist we pay the Manuels to take it off our hands, just like he did over Chagos.

        Then we’ll pay more tax so the Spaniards can pay less.

        Starmer is the Enemy of the People.

  20. I would’ve thought ITV would have had to sack its “stars” years back to stave off bankruptcy,given the utterly unwatchable guff it shits out daily..

    However I have failed to factor in the fucking idiocy of many of its enthusiast s.

    Finally I must add that it wouldn’t be the end of the world to watch Ms Kelly getting her back doors smashed in by Susannah Reid weilding a well greased rounders bat.

    Good grief.

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  21. Luckily I rarely see daytime TV.
    But I know who the silly bint is.
    Oh yeah.
    An utterly talentless cunt who has gone a lot further than she should have.
    Who started out doing the ‘cheery-wee-bonnie-lass’ routine.
    Then dropped it awhile back and joined all the other opinionated featherweights who love to tell their idiot audience what to do and think.
    And then there’s that voice!
    Personally, I’d have her bound and gagged…
    Definitely not in a fun way!
    Fuck her.

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    • I despise this twee cunt.

      NOBODY is that nice.
      Its all public image.

      Bet shes a awful cunt off screen?

      Stands outside orphanages eating a 99 and singing “wheres ya mama gone?”

      And wipes her arse on kittens.

      I saw her once on telly and it gave me diabetes.

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    • Yes… he was my “bench” list, didn’t consider putting him in yet though. RIP… legendary sound.

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      • Brian Wilson used to have auditory hallucinations.

        Voices in his head.

        It probably didn’t help being the 60s and californian,
        The drugs made him worse.

        Shame, talented bloke.

        Dont hear any young bands cite
        the Beach boys as a influence?
        But they had a massive influence on the musical landscape

        They say Pet sounds is one of the best albums of the 1960s.

        I thought it was fuckin rubbish 😜

      • Hee-hee, I wouldn’t quite go that far.
        But it is definitely overrated.
        Merely average for the era.

  27. The fucking drum bearing has failed on the washing machine. Not quite five years old. Sounds better than Lorraine Kelly mind.

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