Fart Crime

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…. is now a thing. And if you maliciously fart at someone – even if you only do so in a 5 second fully clothed pre-recorded video gesture via a messaging app (or email presumably)… and whatever cunt you send it to has the self importance – but severe lack of something else that I’m struggling to define – to bring this to the otherwise totally useless constabulary of Great England – as opposed to deleting the clip and blocking the sender – … there will be arrest, prosecution, court, fines, community service and restraining orders in your future.

You know, .. like there USED to be for burglary, mugging, sexual assault etc.

I’d equally like to co-cunt the base level useless bitch that sent the fucking fart videos, christ is this what we’ve become as a species?

Please don’t schedule this on April 1st, admin!

NY Post. (Link changed by Night Admin to avoid ad blocker crap – NA)

Nominated by : Cuntemall

67 thoughts on “Fart Crime”

  2. Spoilsports.

    As I enjoy a healthy diet I can let rip a thunderous fart that makes small children cry and dogs run in circles.

    I can also belch at ear splitting volume
    But enough bragging about my social skills.

    This should technically be classed as chemical warfare.
    There’s nothing I like more than being near other people in a supermarket and cutting a doodlebug of a fart then looking at the other person accusingly.

    Childish?
    Indeed!

    But then it amuses me
    And that’s all that matters.

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    • She’s not been shagging the stable-lad again has she?

      I say ‘she’. Only a female has the awesome nagging ability to make me mind my mouth.

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  5. An excellent use of the courts time.

    The “justice system” is no such thing,it wastes time and money on trivialities whilst utterly failing to protect the public from the insanity of politicians and the inevitable,appalling outcomes of their actions.

    Two mentally defective wimmin involved in a court case for stinking out the place?

    Confiscate their phones and throw them out on the street penniless where they can put their arses to better use.

    Damn their hides!

    Good morning.

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  6. I can only imagine that old expenses swindler and pretend “economist” Rachel From Accounts, must fart on Kweer every time she sees him – he can’t get enough of her foetid stench, while sniffing on AnalEase’s piss-stained gusset. That’s why he has “full confidence” in her and she lives on a diet of baked beans, lentils and sulphur tablets.

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  8. I can’t understand what this woman is supposed to have done wrong.

    Today of all days when we express devotion to our loved one, what could be better than to let rip at each other in bed over a tab and hot mug of tea.
    It’s the perfect expression of undying love in Newcastle.

    And on that subject, Rachel from Complaints received hundreds of Valentine cards this morning. Well anyway, that’s what it says on her LinkedIn CV.

    And Mucky Ange has gone pheromonal, her animal instincts are kicking in and she’s sent Valentine cards to every heterosexual male Labour MP.
    Yes, both of them.

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  9. The ability to I.M. fart videos to almost anyone anytime, anywhere, and the willingness to do it.

    We’ve come a long way in 250,000 years.

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  10. Once you reach a certain age, you become more aware of the main sphincters in the human body becoming less secure, such as the arsehole and bellend. Just a couple of the most important from the 60 ! our bodies contain. I’ve been under surveillance from the Bottom Inspectors for sometime and now this as become a shock to the system, which will make an arrest imminent.

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  11. can you imagine Dianne Abbott farting to dreadlock holiday? I bet it stinks of yams and KFC and watermelon, and David lammys farts and always follows through and throws his shit out of the cage ?

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    • I quite like the ‘fart’ pooter videos on Facebook. I think some are made in Central Park, the best are in the underpass where it really rattles and in the toilets (rest rooms). But the best are when he simply farts as he walks past people. How do you prove it’s malicious? The reactions are amusing, some actually run away from the sound, most have a good laugh. I wouldn’t know how to send a fart in a message. I know a lot of people who’d deserve one.

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      • Here’s another Britishism for you General sir. The new British ambassador to your court, his surname is Mandleson in the British vernacular that is pronounced “Cunt”. So many differences.

    • …thus creating the gag gift known as the “Whoopi* Cushion” which makes a fart sound when you sit on it.

      *Wiki-fucking-pedia lists it as a Whoopee Cushion but what the hell…a fart by any other name still stinks.

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  13. There’s this subhuman Paki in the kidney unit. And, apart from his very loud ‘Asian’ shite blaring out of his very loud phone, he farts like a horse.

    And, the thing is, every time he does it he lifts his smelly arse off te bed and then he laughs to himself when he blows off. Even with ladies present (staff or patients), he doesn’t give a fuck. And, if he goes to the bog, the entire room needs a whole can of air freshener. The man is filth. They should not be allowed into a British NHS hospital, it’s as simple as that.

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    • Hi Norman,
      I had a similar experience in hospital recently, after I had a TIA stroke. I had to be moved twice in all, due to me complaining about other patients being inconsiderate. A fat cunt in the next bed forever on his mobile phone, which I bollock him for, knowing full well the people he rang weren’t interested. A loud mouth bastard littered in weeping tattoos, continually having a go at the nursing staff and they moved me for giving him a good bullocking. Glad when I got sent home. At least I ended up with the hospitals
      pyjamas for free. It wasn’t until check my own clothes in the bag, that I’d realised they’d cut them from me whilst out for the count.

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      • Hop you are on the mend, unfortunately cunts are everywhere, at least you got moved. Best wishes, take care.

  14. You have my sympathy, Norm. I attended a cardiac arrest in a renal unit and the Asian chap’s sphincter had relaxed, so he’d shat himself, which is a common occurance, but, the fucking stench! Inhuman. We nearly stopped resuscitation and went to put full Covid PPE with powered respirators on. Just carried on looking through watery, blurry fucking eyes, though.

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    • I agree, Guv.
      It smells like nothing on this earth.

      And, this cunt is still alive. While on Tuesday morning another bloke in the renal unit actually died. He died as his heart gave out a 8am Tuesday. He was a very nice man and all. One of the male nurses was exhausted and close to tears, as he tried his best to revive the patient. While one of the support staff (who thinks she owns the place and exceeds authority she hasn’t even got) was showing off and shouting orders to people who are senior to her. Any time there is any sort of emergency like this, she acts like she is on E.R and starts grandstanding, She was no help at all. The word gobshite has been used by staff and patients alike.

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      • I know the type, Norm. Usually shut them up by asking them to do something they’re not qualified to do and then make the point that you didn’t know they weren’t qualified and I’ll do it instead. Works every time.

      • And that’s true and all, Guv. About not being qualified, and that’s the tip of the iceberg with this one…

        She can just about wire patients up to the machines, but is totally useless at working the things or anything technical. For all her (very loud) gobbing off and ‘authority’, she always has to ask someone else to do the clever stuff regarding the machines. And, because she is always showing off and nattering, she has fucked up the dialyisis. She’s done it to me twice, plus to a few others. But any complaints get ignored, as the staff are either intimdated by her or they see her as a ‘character’. The more noise she makes, the more they let her get her way. She also picks and chooses who she will and won’t put on. I have heard her refuse the instructions of senior nurses, and she gets away with it. The cunt also skives out of certain jobs. She says ‘I’m not allowed to give patients drugs’, which is bullshit, because she’s done mine a few times. When she can’t be arsed, she just bullies someone else into doing it when she’s been told to do it. She usually leans on one of the quieter Asian members of support staff. The gobshite in question is actually white and English.

        One patient friend of mine called her ‘Hitler’. This was when she ‘ordered’ an ambulance driver not to smoke outside the entrance. He was outside, just having a cig not bothering anyone. Yet this jumped up support worker ‘told him’ to go to the ‘designated smoking area’. Truth is, there is no designated smoking area. The driver promptly called her a gobshite and told her to fuck off. Rightly so.

      • There’s always one, Norm. In our service, they’re the ones that are always ‘Driver Lonely’ as everyone shift swaps, even to other stations, to avoid working with the cunts. Fortunately, the only one in my division, left for pastures new.

    • Welcome back DCI GH it is sometime since I noticed one of your posts, which are always interesting and thoughtful. I don’t know how you people cope with all the shit (pun intended) the NHS has to deal with and still remain kind and compassionate.
      Norman – I hope you are on the mend, it sounds perfectly fucking dreadful. I had some very good experiences with the NHS last year and continuing to receive excellent care. I consider myself very fortunate having ended up in one of their very best hospitals but I know that doesn’t happen for a lot of people.

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      • Cheers, Wanksock. I’ve had over thirty years of practice😉 (Plus time in uniform before that).

  15. How on earth can someone be sentences to 60 days booze free and 15 reprogramming sessions at taxpayers expense for a couple of purile videos.

    Surely a knock on the door from plod and a warning to pack it in because it’s fucking childish would have sufficed.

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  16. I was reading in The Daily Fail, or it may have been The Daily Terror, that King Charles III employs a man to follow him around and accept blame for any Majestic bum emissions. He is called the Silver Chuff in Waiting. The role is much sought after by lackeys who are in the know as duties are quite light. The current holder of the post is Sir Percival Oglebois, a distant cousin of the late Hon Sir Angus Ogilvy (he of Lonhro fame). This has all been fact checked, so can be taken as 100 per cent true shit.

    Good afternoon, everyone.

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    • It reminds you of the days of the Groom Of The Stool, I think it was called, which was supposed to end with the reign of Henry Vlll. Odd coves these Royal chappies.

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      • Roland the Farter too, a 12th century jester for King Henry II.

        A prestigious honour that came with a manor and land.

      • Yes, WC, it is always a good idea to check the Royal shit for traces of the humors. If they get out of balance, heads will roll. King Charles III has to be bled regularly to maintain his equilibrium.

  17. First of all, the defendent said why didn’t the “victim” just block me?
    Well, why didn’t you just not send them?

    Secondly, why were you getting involved in a dispute between your partner and his ex? None of your fucking business, madam!

    Finally, people who use children as an instrument to annoy, distress or control are weapons grade cunts and should be slow-roasted over a hot fire.

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      • Lack of imagination, LL, plus being too bone idle to get off their arse and go outdoors.

        I bet she food shops on-line, too.

      • Keir Starmer is closing in on Nick Cleggs Guinness World Record of having the most dog shit posted through his letterbox,

  20. 50 years ago a hung out with a Lancashire lass who swilled pints and farted like trooper.
    Rather avant-garde for those daze.
    Memories….

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    • I really like JD Vance.

      I think Trump made a great choice.

      Not sure if you foreigners can see many of his appearances on the (American) MSM but he just destroys the Democratic Operatives masquerading as reporters when they ask them their liberally loaded questions.

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  22. So now it’s illegal in Britain for some asshole to maliciously blow hot air?

    Take advantage of this nonsense and lock up the entirety of your government. The Cabinet, the Commons, the Lords, the entire Cesspool that is Whitehall.

    Britain First
    Vote Reform
    Mass Deportations

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  23. Im unfortunate to work with a cunt who drops his guts at e ery opatunity, he thinks its great, the worse it sticks the better, he has even taken to eating eggs just to make it worse still.
    Never used to be bothered by this sort of thing but now if he dies of arse cancer I wouldnt be surprised or even that upset….

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  24. I just recalled from completely out of the blue that I put a line in an essay back in secondary school where a tram driver in S.F. (and specifically frustrated by a big traffic jam), .. let a fart so noxious while working one day that she killed half of the commuters on her tram.

    Second degree involuntary manslaughter would be the charge, I guess.

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