Although I’ve not seen the flick, I understand that at the end of ‘No Time To Die’, legendary superagent James Bond gets blown to smithereens.
Notwithstanding the fact that bits of 007 were scattered the length and breadth of the Faroe Islands, the hunt is now on once more to find the ‘new’ Bond, in what will be another reboot of what has become a desperately tired and predictable franchise.
So here we are again, with the producers going through the inevitable ‘names in the frame’ publicity jaunt, with the likes of Henry Cavill, Josh O’Connor and Aaron Taylor-Johnson in the running. Given that apparently ‘whiteness is not a given’, Idris Elba’s name crops up yet again, although he’ll be in his mid-50s by the time things finally get underway on a new film. The only surprising thing to me is that it looks as though the new 007 will still be a bloke, as opposed to a black lesbian with a dodgy knee. It’s nice to know that some things are still sacred.
After the heyday of Connery (Ahem, could not disagree Moore – NA), in my view the series began a slow but inevitable decline, and shot its load with the hopeless ‘Die Another Day’. I did go with some pals to see ‘Casino Royale’, but that was it for me. As far as freshness and innovation go, I’ve no idea what could possibly be done to reinvigorate such a knackered old warhorse once more, and have no intention of handing over good brass to find out.
There comes a point when you just have to let something go, but as long as there are punters willing to shell out, there will be a new Bond, and then another after that. I’d just like to say ‘James Bond, RIP’, but it looks as though he’s not going to get the chance.
Nominated by : Ron Knee
The new Bond has been confirmed as Stormzy, seen here in this promotional image:
https://images.app.goo.gl/nuD5mYyzarf3AR6X9
Safe pic.
10
Good one, Thomas.
Anyway, I was under the impression that they are looking to cast, drum roll,
Jane Bond!
8
Well the producers are saying that it’ll still be a bloke. What’s the betting he’ll have a black, ass kicking assistant who’ll save his skin half a dozen times and solve every problem? You know, a Helena Shaw to Indy sort of thing.
19
For sure, Ron.
Unless saying it’ll be a man is a smokescreen.
I may have become confused after reading a W. C. Boggs screenplay proposal.
15
Jane Blond, Licence To Thrill did appear in either a Viz or a Smut publication, many years back. What a great alternative she would have been for the role.
3
David Niven doesn’t count.
Connery was the best. The prototype who became the archetype.
Lazenby was a blip.
Moore could have been Bond but the scripts were silly and prohibited him from playing it seriously.
Dalton was forgettable.
Pierce was good but the story lines were beyond idiotic. Especially, the forced conflict with Dumb Judi Densch as “M”.
I rooted for the villains to kill Daniel Craig.
What are we going to get now? A Tranny of color working on behalf of the EU?
Having been a big fan over the years I have reached the point where I give significantly less than a shit.
16
I remember reading years ago that Moore was Ian Fleming’s original call to play Bond, but he was otherwise engaged or something when they were casting ‘Dr No’. I think that by the time his turn came around, he was a bit too old for the part, and the scripts had indeed become silly.
Connery was always my own favourite; I liked the style of the early Bond films, and Connery had that perfect blend of smooth charm and latent viciousness that made him perfect imo.
Brosnan was pretty good, but by then the franchise in general had jumped the shark for me.
16
I thought the original person asked by Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman was Cary Grant. There was a biopic of Cary Grant on the idiot box over Christmas and it was mentioned.
8
I think you’re right about the producers’ original choice Wank.
Moore was Fleming’s original choice I believe.
9
I don’t care if James Bonds a black spastic, a paki midget or a chinky if I’m honest.
I’ve never liked the cunt.
Ian phlegming created a gadget obsessed, government lackey who dresses like a fuckin waiter.
If he works for the government he’d be some Westminster arsebandit.
I prefer Closeau.😁
https://youtu.be/qxFHPIFGFmk?si=LIUBfOX-3E10zQ8R
9
Does your dog bite…
https://youtu.be/lLR-V2S0DC8?si=qxJuPRv-mjXWMAmv
Classic…
7
There’s nowhere near enough gratuitous violence for me.
Get some finger chopping, eye-gouging torture scenes in, make it a bit more realistic.
And exploding helicopters. Give John Wu a call.
5
Always thought Dalton was a good Bond. ( First one to nut a baddie)
Apparently what buggered his run up was some legal bollocks with the fat Broccoli brothers…
19
Agreed re Dalton – a much underrated Bond.
15
Jimmy Bond was in decline from the moment he gave up smoking sixty a day, and was told to cut down on the booze. Then he was told not to be a male chauvinist pig. Gambling is not good for the mental health, he was told by M. Next they decided he might be black, or maybe lose the penis. He should have shot the fuckers in the face when they took away his non tipped Senior Service.
15
Wokery seems to have overtaken Bond as it’s overtaken everything else.
He has to be thoughtful and sensitive these days, considerate of the personal pronouns of those he offs and what have you.
15
My name is Patel. Rajnessh Patel.
No…
My name is M’Butu. Nandi M’Nutu.
No…
My name is Habii. Ahmed Habibi.
No…
My name is Bond. Jane Bond…and you just misgendered me!
10
Bobs and vajeen, I make lady smile with my peenus.
6
I think Jimmy Nail would of been a good Bond.
https://youtu.be/MHK5WzKs6GY?si=432vNtxi6JYL4UzQ
10
He was always pure class Miserable.
Seriously (assuming you WEREN’T being!) I’d have liked to see Richard Armitage take over after Brosnan, but he’d be too old now.
11
I don’t know who that is Ron.
Bond should be a right cunt.
Callous, icy,
He’s licenced to kill!!
11
Armitage has been on the acting scene for years Miss.
https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/454441418650129960/
Amongst other things he was in the series ‘Spooks’ and ‘The Hobbit’ films. He probably best known for having women the length and breadth of the country waxing their panties when he played John Thornton in the drama series ‘North and South’ (see pic above).
I always thought he had the makings of a first rate Bond,with a bit more style and charm than Craig had, but with a nasty edge as well.
13
If they want to breathe new life into the franchise then make Bond like one of the original members of the S.A.S..
A right hard cunt like Paddy Mayne would be perfect.
Oh and no bleks nor “modern” know it all wimmin.
Perfect.
14
Paddy Mayne was a tour de force. Even now the battle rages about him being ‘denied’ a VC.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y7y5y37vxo
It’s a case of real life out-doing fiction when it comes to being a proper hardknock.
11
Bond needs redesigning.
Make him more a maverick like Dirty Harry.👍
Make him northern.👍
Fuck that ‘Look at me! ‘ sports car off
Give him a van.👍
Gadgets? Sawn off shotgun 👍
Maybe a knife in his workboot?
And no martinis, that’s a puffs drink.
Brown ale .👍
And no smug oneliners!!
Give him tourettes.
11
He should have facial scars and Joe Jordan teeth from all fighting.
Cauliflower ears, missing a finger, you know like a gyppo.
8
Hehehe 😂
Yeah! An a stutter from all the international intrigue.
Drink Mr Bond?
“Fffffuckkin right. Brown ale luv ppplease.
Ya cunt.”
4
Sir Kweer Two-Tier is the only person with the necessary credentials to make a credible Bond for the late 2020s.
8
Death in the Chagos islands.
Soy latte-shaken not stirred
7
Lie another day.
The man with the golden pension
Brownfinger
Dr No(nce)
Live and let pensioners die
15
🌈 bond…and surely the db7 of old must now be replaced with a 50 mile radius all explosive 🧨 can’t give them away E.V.
….🛒🔌 👊…
7
He’s prolly gonna be driving one of those new faggy Jaguarse.
10
I think the Bond films are mediocre and something you grow out with maturity. I left them at an early age and think the distributors should have the decency to return our money.
7
Just think Sammy, if we could get back all the money that’s been robbed from us over the years, plus all that we’ve wasted on women and other useless nonsense.
We’d be minted.
5
I watched one Bond film many years ago. I thought it was shite. Couldnt give a fuck about the next one but I think that Alison Hammond is in with a shout.
8
The next bond should be a shirt-lifter, licensed to thrill, full on pink tux and limp wrist, seduces the enemy agents (men only) to reveal their secrets using ghb and obviously having his wicked way.
Make him Muslim as well just to bring in the wider audience 😂
Mohammed Bond, proud to be a Quare
12
Double 0… OH!
10
‘We meet at last, MISTER Bond’
‘Oooo, get ‘er…’
4
I got into a proper scrap with a lad at junior school who tried to nick my gold coloured DB5…!
Sold it last year on eBay £75.00, still had the blue boiler suited baddie that got ejected…
13
This interminable series of bland films remind you of those TV shows like Escape To The Cuntry which are allowed to drear on year after year because the programme planners are too dim to think of something new. Time to stop them, or at least turn them into a comedy series with Ant & Dec – the new version of Hylda Baker and Jimmy Jewel.
6
I like to think of all the twats that have bought absolute shit-heap houses in France and gone bankrupt trying to fix them up.
Makes me smile.
9
The old jimmy bond character surely has to be pushing near to 100, the old cunt should be in some nursing home with miss funny penny sitting in their own piss and shit, much preferred george smiley.
8
The name`s Bond. James Bond; nurse – have you seen my gun by any chance?
… and my incontinence pants?
7
The name’s Bond, duckie – Keir Bond.
0
I once auditioned to be a Bond girl some years back.
My character was going to be called Kunt Akimbo, but they dropped it shortly afterwards.
It`s PC gone mad.
🔫
14
Nice one Sam; ‘Kunt Akimbo’ is a great name for a Bond girl.
We amused ourselves endlessly at school coming up with names for Bond babes.
Taking my cue from Pussy Galore, I came up with Clitty Wankhoff.
(and I must admit, I gave it plenty of the left hand after seeing ‘Goldfinger’);
https://jamesbond.fandom.com/wiki/Pussy_Galore_(Honor_Blackman)/Gallery?file=Pussy_Galore_-_Profile.png
11
Indeed, Ronbo.
Sino-Russian-derived epithets should provide endless chortlery.
Tung mai-Twatt, etc.
7
The ever brilliant Sean Connery being unrepentant about slapping a mouthy hoo-er:
https://youtu.be/_YDqm7LXt2g?si=RWbYctgH6-ZLJDWj
9
Lol, what a legend.
NEVER apologise if you truly believe you are not wrong.
You can see the woman interviewer getting moist just sitting close to him lolol.
4
Rumour has it that MGM’s new owners, Amazon, want to go down the Star Wars route and wring out the Bond franchise for all it’s worth. Hence the Broccoli family decided to ‘kill’ him off in the last one and are holding back on anything new. No script, actors or director until they are guaranteed autonomy.
If not, the series has reached a conclusion.
True or not, and whether you like the films or not, it’s always been, largely, a British success story which will be fucked up even more than our worst woke nightmares if Amazon get their way.
Better off letting it die.
11
Marton Csokas would have made a great Bond.
He was brilliant in the Equaliser as the baddy opposite Denzel.
Probably to old now but
2
Who I am is of no importance. What I am? Well, that’s an entirely different matter.
I alter outcomes.
Good stuff.
3
It’s totally fine that people have their own favourite Bond actor. Mine is Roger Moore. Easily the best. His Bond movies are, for me, the most fun and entertaining. Connery was good too, but a bit too stiff and serious for me.
That said, Moore’s run is not without some blemishes. I’d agree that he was a tad too old for A View To A Kill, although it’s a cracking movie. Moonraker is a bit cringeworthy to be fair, but does contain a classic Q one liner, “He’s attempting re-entry, sir”. Fnar-fnar.
Moore had the perfect training to take the part by playing Simon Templar so brilliantly in The Saint. For me, Connery had the acting versatility of a plank. A combination of a little rough around the edges and a heavy dose of sauve with a Scottish accent. As Bond, yep. The Name of the Rose. Same. Hunt For Red October. Same (even as an alleged Russian FFS). The Rock, same. Entrapment, erm….exactly the same. Yawn.
Daniel Craig can fuck off and fall down a well. The bastard. The plot and whole point of a Bond film is very simple. Villain hatches evil plot; Bond sent to investigate; Bond floats around the globe banging gorgeous ladies while collecting clues; Bond catches up with the villain; A stand-off ensues during which the villain explains in detail how he’s out-smarted Bond and will win the day; Bond somehow manages to get the upper hand, thwarts the evil plot, killing the villain in the process; Bond swaggers off into the sunset with another lovely to celebrate the win for the good guys. Simple.
All the Bond actors gave it their best and stuck to the formula the fans love. Not Craig though. Oh no. That cunt actually negotiated into his multi-movie contract the death of Bond in his final movie. No, fucking no! Bond doesn’t die you fucking bellend retard. The fact Barbara Broccoli agreed to that is beyond belief. She can fall down a well too. Bitch. By pulling that shit, the pair of them disrespected the legacy of Bond and Craig especially blighted ALL his Bond movies. I will never watch any of his ever again. He’ll be gutted and upset I know, but he’s just going to have to live with it. The cunt.
I watched The Spy Who Loved Me over Christmas (again). Brilliant. Just brilliant.
17
Well said my dear chap.
Well said indeed.
7
My thoughts exactly.
0
How about merging Bond with Dr Who? Then instead of the fiction of having to start with a brand new Bond as if the old ones never happened, Bond could simply regenerate at the end of his tenure. The Tardis would come in useful as well.
8
The new Dr Who has ‘merged’ with quite a few rough types already, by the look of him/her/ze/zem.
7
Clearly, George Lazenby was the best Bond.
I say this purely to upset Bond fans.
We watched the last one on some sort of streaming service at a friend’s house, and it was shite. Boind kept being saved by some black tart who was the new 007.
Pointless.
10
Roger Moore was the definitive Bond for me.
Live And Let Die to Moonraker was the best run in the series.
Live and Let Die and The Spy Who Loved Me are my personal favourites.
Barbara Bach and Caroilne Munro in ‘Spy’ sent my depraved imagination into overtime.
6
Barbara Bach was indeed beyond stunning and incredibly sexy.
Pity that in her private life she decided to marry a cunt in 1981. I’ll let you look it up.
Fun fact: Caroline Munro recorded on Gary Numan’s record label in the ’80s (Numa Records) and released a single called Pump Me Up:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a49P_gUkMY0
Lucky sod was probably pumping her at the time like there was no tomorrow. And given the chance, who wouldn’t?
1
Christopher Lee was related to Fleming and must have provided some of the inspiration for Bond.
I’ve had a sneak preview of the contenders for the new Bond, it’s been narrowed down to four star names that could pull it off.
Phillip Schofield
Danny Beard – Google it!
Jodie Whitaker
Lil Nas X
Rosie Jones was favourite but turned down the script due to the dialogue, not because it was difficult with her disability but because it’s a pile of shit.
6
OT but an old mate of mine was actually called Christopher Lee and had terrible trouble with the rozzers every time he got, they thought he was taking the piss.
I highly recommend watching/reading a bio of Christopher Lee. An absolute legend.
Mad lads by Count Dankula on YT is a good one.
4
Bond has been killed off by many things. And here are two of them….
Shit lead actor. Daniel Craig is crap. A whining surly gnome. None of Connery’s charisma, none of Moore’s humour, none of Dalton’s menace and none of Brosnan’s charm. It’s gruesome to watch Craig, as he gurns sulks and tantrums as 007.
Shit theme tune. Once the biggest stars of the day did a usually epic and grandiose theme song. Shirley Bassey, Macca, Satchmo, Tom Jones, Duran Duran. Last decent one was probably A-ha’s ‘The Living Daylights’. And the last true superstar to do one was Tina Turner with ‘Goldeneye’. Recently? shit like Sam Smith, Jack White, Adele, and that fish faced fuck William Eilish. Talk about aiming low and tainting a legendary franchise. The ugly mug of Eilish and her ‘cat sat on the mat’ whining is really going to sell a film, isn’t it? Absolute bollocks.
Here’s the lovely Sheena, with a proper Bond theme.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kNksLL0sv4
7
And speaking of shite theme tunes…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-1HaEqDIdw
3
I hope to God is isn’t Ncunti Gayblack.
3
If they go for a darker Bond then surely Gary Lineker is in with a chance now he’s off Snatch of the day.
4
Shirley Bassett loudly sings
‘diamonds are forever…’
It’s a crowded casino.
At the roulette table sits a man.
He’s immaculately dressed.
But has a ugly scar crossing his face,
Fawning over him are two stunningly beautiful girls.
Behind them stand two large bodyguards.
This man is a villain.
Of that there’s no doubt.
He tops the list on all international intelligence agencies.
Not a man to cross.
A man approaches the game.
He rumpled, wearing a Newcastle united shirt.
He grins showing the gap in his teeth and accentuating his broken nosed visage.
“AAA Mr Bond .
I’ve been expecting you.
Take a seat, care for a drink?”
Says the villain.
Behind him the heavies eye this newcomer,
Shifting their weight slightly.
Alert now.
Eager for violence.
Bond ” Aye canny like, Oi Gunga Din!
Bottle of Brown ale over here mush”
The other clientele turn to look.
“So, I take it you’ve come to talk terms? Here on Her Majesties business?
It’s a high price I’m asking Mr Bond.
I hope you can meet the price”.
He chuckles.
Menacingly.
Bond
” Ahh I Cannae be doing with all that shite,.who’s them blokes behind you?
Your boyfriends?”
Nobody laughs.
The villains face tightens in offense.
” I’ve had men killed for less”
Hisses the villain.
“Oh aye? Did you bore them to death or bum them?”
The bodyguards start to move and that’s when Bond pulls the grenade from his pocket.
9