Being male and especially being an IT nerd, I tend to be very focused and precise when it comes to information acquisition. By that I mean, 99% of the questions I ask can be answered with either a yes or no. Simple, easy and efficient. You’d think.
People who know me should know that. People who don’t are expected to get with the programme pretty quick because it is blatantly obvious. However, neither set of people seem to comprehend that I don’t have the time (or patience) to deal with their meandering and irrelevant drivel. For the sake of brevity, I present two typical examples, one from home and one from work. You decide who the cunt is.
Other half: I’m going to pop to the supermarket as we need a few things.
Me: OK. Would you like me to go with you?
Other half: Well I’ve made a list, but I think I might swing by that other store we went to that time, you remember, it’s next to the dry cleaners on the corner. I saw something online and it said they had some things on offer so, you never know. Where did I put my handbag? Think I’ll wear my heavier jacket as it’s cold and might rain. With slick roads you never know what the other idiots on the road will do. The other day as I was turning into our road, some moron just pulled out in front of me. It was all I could do to slam on the brakes and stop in time. What is wrong with people? Now where did I put that list? Can you think of anything else we need? I might make that fish dish later so I’ll need to add a few extra things to the list. Last time I made it I used cod, but I think I’ll try something different this time around. Fish has got so expensive. Do you know how much cod is these days? And salmon? The other week I was in….
Me: FFS!
Me: Can we meet at 10 tomorrow to go over your requirements for that server build?
Co-worker: I’ve got a meeting at 9, then I need to follow up with my manager about another project I’m working on.
Me: So does 10 work or not?
Co-worker: Did I send you the requirements for that server?
Me: Yes, but there’s a ton of detail missing that I’ll need in order to complete the build. Hence a meeting. Can you do 10?
Co-worker: What else do you need to know?
Me: Well that’s the point of the meeting really. Can you make that time?
Co-worker: I’ve sent you everything I have.
Me: OK, but I still need some additional details. Can we meet to discuss at 10 tomorrow?
Co-worker: We’ll need that server up and running by Friday.
Me: FFS!
Nominated by Imitation Yank.
A link on the subject provided by Cuntemall below.
Lots of these sorts of conversations can be expidited by interrupting their flow of nonsense with “are you some sort of fucking spaṣtıc?”
Works almost every time. Especially with young colleagues, who are shocked by your audacity, register your sneer and then feel the need to get busy with their tasks.
I am a bit of a cunt to work for, ’tis true!
32
I think you’ll find that it’s “Scope”
Morning Thomas/All
8
Ho ho, morning HJ/all.
I remember back in ’94 listening to the radio at work and hearing the news that the Spaṣtıcs Society had changed their name to Scope and my mate instantly saying “fucking scopies”, an insult that still exists in that friend group to this day!
Fail to do anything quick enough, driving, paying for a round, etc…it’s “come on scopey, hurry up!” accompanied by Joey Deacon impressions.
Being so pathetically immature at 52 is wonderful.
24
Even at my age I am still doing impressions of the legend that is, Joey Deacon! Pushing out the bottom lip with the tongue and shouting ‘Joey’ at anyone who fucks up!
5
I had a cat with a broken tail.
We referred to him as ‘the Joey one’.
4
I have a colleague with a spectacular temper. He’s a wizz to work with. If people give him fuzzy/mushy/grey answers to straight questions he simply erupts.
‘Tell me where it hurts?’ is his favourite line – works better in Swedish.
He has smashed countless keyboards and projectors.
10
Har, My bank card is due for replacement and they are sending a stainless steel one which hopefully can be sharpened on one edge to make it slightly useful, there was a page for custom design engraving so I had a little play around.
Got an email this morning telling me it had been rejected.
Spastíc
Society
Scotland
In all caps over as much of the card as I would fit without it touching the chip, rejected, an absolute outrage.
7
Any member of the Labour party.
At least with the likes of Putin or Sturgeon every word they utter is bullshit.
Labour spout a load of meaningless fuckwittery.
16
Well said Mr Yank.
Increasingly I find the general public,and indeed members of my own family,to have all the mental acuity of a Rayner if not a Lammy.
A tiresome state of affairs indeed.
Oh and Go Donald!
fucking Colombian cunts.
Good morning.
18
This one certainly strikes a chord with me. The example of a conversation with the other half is so familiar. Often I have asked a simple question of the wife, or daughters come to that, where the response seems completely unrelated to the question posed. I try to avoid admitting that I’m baffled because then they get annoyed with me. As regards TtCE’s post above it seems to me that a big part of this problem, especially amongst younger folks is that many have the need to run off at the mouth like some disc jockey on the radio. I find that if you wait for them to pause for your response and you give them a simple yes or no or silence it makes them really unsettled.
11
Do we need any milk,bread or ham with this cunting?… FFS yes or no 😩
8
Yeah but, no but…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zW5gdunMdw
Great nom Mr Yank!
5
Once you’ve asked the question, simply hold up a “YES or NO” card.
7
‘Never answering a direct question’.
Any politician.
Morning all.
12
A no doubt familiar scene…
High Street loitering cunt with a beard, a woolly hat and a clip board: ‘Have you got a minute to answer a few questions?’
Me, for it is I: ‘What are you selling?’
Loitering cunt: ‘I’m not selling anything.’
Me: ‘Okay then. Fire away.’
As if by magic, the loitering cunt produces a photo album full of pictures of little black babies drinking dirty water (or maybe some donkeys carrying massive loads, or dead elephants, or polar bears standing on tiny pieces of floating ice…)
Me: ‘So you are selling something.’
Loitering cunt: ‘No I’m not.’
Good morning, everyone.
9
Send me £50.
It will allow me to buy a long pipe which I can connect to the distant tap instead of me having to trudge to the water source twice a day to fill up my bucket.
And I live in the UK now – I was better off in Elbolaland in my mud hut.
🛖
5
Can’t guarantee you any money Sam, but I’ll do a rain-dance for you.
4
Why don’t they just buy a house closer to the river, or pay a plumber to connect them to the mains?
4
Termujin, a rare example of common sense not wanting their “house” flooded once a century
2
Cheers CotI,
Here was me thinking it was just because they were feckless morons who shit in the river they drink from, if they can find a space between the dead cows floating past.
1
Adopt a polar bear! As if they need any help, they live on a diet of the freshest seafood from the cleanest waters left on the planet, and occasional human stupid enough to enter its habitat, usually named Horatio or Clementina.
But it will send you a christmas card at least.
6
And a tube of glacier mints.
4
Ask the question whilst at the same time placing a gun on the table.
5
Or sarcastically wearing night attire and holding an alarm-clock.
4
Fulham yesterday, Sammy.
I’ve been to more entertaining funerals.
4
Quite right Norman. I only glanced at it. Once we scored, I turned it off. They say there’s only one F in Fulham. There’s definitely no united in Manchester at the moment.
3
I feel for the OP with this nomination.
A gentle “wash your ears out you deaf cunt” normally brings the thought meanderings back on track.
6
I despise cunts that come to the door, and give it all that shit ‘I’m not selling anything’. When they are from a treeswingers charidee or a double glazing firm.
Even if I say, ‘I’ve just come home from renal dialysis’ it doesn’t stop them. I have to tell them to piss off.
I remember, when my old mum died from the Big C in 2013. And this utter fuck from Safestyle Windows turned up. I politely said there had been a death in the family two days earlier. The cunt didn’t bat an eyelid, and just carried on pushing his shite. I was very near killing him, and I nearly took his nose off when I slammed the door in his face. All these doorstep shitehawks are bastards. But those Safestyle fuckers really are vermin.
9
Works both ways this one, I’ll happily try the politicians response to try wriggle out of something I don’t want to do but know it would be in my best interests to do.
3
I’m feeling a little perturbed about Mis at the moment. I hope he’s alright.
5
This is me being charitable, but I think that the example with your missus was her way of saying (in a long-winded way) “Well I have to go to places other than than the supermarket, so you may also have to suffer me engaging in the rather long, arduous process of the female equivalent of shopping… knowing this new information, do YOU still want to come?”
Some times a question can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, because the person being questioned may need more information. Imagine if you both finished at the supermarket and she THEN chose to tell you that she needed to go to other places as well.
Your response to that would probably be “I have other things to do, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
To which her response would reasonably be “You never asked, you only asked if I wanted you to come to the supermarket, to which my answer was “yes”. I know how you hate long winded answers after all.”
5
My response would be ‘No, get in the car’, not that I’d be stupid enough to go shopping with her anyway.
2
Are people who don’t answer a direct question with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ cunts?
I’ll have to think about that.
Er….
Well on the one hand….
But on the other hand….
Um….
Oh I don’t know, you decide.
4
Woman “What do you want to do this weekend dear?”
Me “Oh, I dunno, you decide.”
Woman “Pffft, you’re so indecisive and weak.”
OR
Woman “What do you want to do this weekend dear?”
Me “Well, I fancy going on a pub-crawl with my mates, pie and chips on the way home and then to take you roughly, from behind, twice, followed by more beer and very loud music.”
Woman “You’re so selfish and controlling.”
Moral of the story: Do what you want, you’ll be in trouble either way.
3
I’ve got shifty cunts at work. When I probe them about their incompetence that has led to yet another dire situation, they often just re-state the problem like I’m thick and then I have to say ‘ I know that, that’s why I’m asking, so why hasn’t x or y been done/thought of’. Then they squirm like little worms.
Worst team I’ve ever worked with. Can’t get the staff!
3
My employer has a policy of having a 15 minute meeting each afternoon, so people can talk about any work problems that have cropped up or show signs of cropping up. Increasingly though it gets hijacked by brain dead wankers who want to talk about their weekend or what they will be doing that evening. It seems like about half the population are narcissists now. If I don’t want to listen to their shite when they are sat next to me, why would I want to listen to it at a meeting?
One useless cunt spent some time telling us all how she was going to a Hallowe’en fancy dress party that weekend – fuck knows what she went as, she hardly looks acceptable at the best of times.
3
I just use “that’s not what I asked” – sometimes multiple times one after the other until the answer to WHAT I asked is forthcoming.
I have limited patience with cunts wasting MY (more precious than theirs, without fail)time.
1