Having just completed another year of marriage I think that it’s now the time to pass on my guide to a successful relationship.
Too many marriages fail due to the gentleman not setting out clear boundaries.
Here are my tips, the result of 37 year’s of experience.
Have your own sporting interests.
It’s important that you don’t share your enthusiasm about a particular sport with your wife.
Golf is a good sport.
It gives you the opportunity to get away from the house for many hours.
You can also go on golfing weekends and extended holidays by yourself.
It doesn’t matter if you have never held a golf club or have any intention of doing so.
Buy a cheap set of clubs from any second hand store and keep them somewhere near the front door.
Even if it’s night time, you can get out of the house and down the pub with the excuse that you are going ‘down the range’ to practice.
If your wife starts showing any interest in your chosen sport she must be ridiculed.
You cannot risk that she may want to join you.
Occasionally do un-manly chores.
Unfortunately these will include cooking, ironing, washing up and perhaps cleaning.
It’s vital that your wife shouldn’t feel needed.
By your actions you are making it perfectly clear that she is merely tolerated.
If you have your own, private space. A shed for instance, then buy posters of pretty, slim girls and pin them to the walls.
If you are limited to space then use cut outs from gentlemen’s magazines.
At the very least have an attractive young lady as your mobile phone wallpaper.
This will encourage your wife to be more careful with her own appearance.
I could go on, but that would make an already long nom even longer.
I am sure that you can add to this list……
Nominated by The Artful Cunter.
I take it you never actually lived with your wife.
29
People who play golf are boring cunts…
18
A friend of mine was asked, “Do you play golf?”
“No”, he replied, “I’m still having sex.”
18
A friend of mine asked if I still had sex at 68.
I said ‘Yes, I live at 73, so it’s just a few doors away.’
19
Here’s my marriage guidance – don’t do it. Getting married is the easiest thing in the world to do, if you want to and you’re not fussy. There are herds of women out there and all they want is for some bloke to put a ring on their finger. Half of them don’t even care who it is. They’re not interested in you as a person, they’re interested in what they can get out of you. My advice is, fuck ’em and fuck ’em off.
And best wishes for the new year.
19
Damned right Allan.
We are the carthorse and they are the plough. If the resource-provider works himself into an early grave, the parasites will simply angler fish their way into securing a replacement with barely a thought for their role in the previous provider’s downfall.
And a very happy new year to you too 👍🏿
15
And gayers.
Have you seen the ‘clothes’ they wear when wandering aimlessly around the pitch.
I reckon all the bushes and rough are just there to make them feel like they are back on Hampstead Heath.
5
If a gentleman wants to be free of the frigid, nagging, money-sponging, happiness-sucking, fat humourless witch to whom he has unwisely shackled himself, he can be free of her quite easily by loudly pointing out all of the above at a family barbeque, making sure her parents and siblings can hear clearly and making several women and one of your children cry, sneering at all of them and telling them to get the fuck out of your house.
And hey, that years-in-the-making outburst only cost me a bargain quarter of a million quid!
22
I’ve heard it said Mr Cunt Engine that the woman you pay for is often the cheapest.
Think it was Jack Reacher 😄😄
13
True, but it’s easier, cheaper and hassle-free to buy a fleshlight.
Any pound you spend on a woman is a pound non invested for a chap’s retirement and therefore his kids’ inheritances.
I’ll never again spend a penny on a woman (unless she’s into that sort of thing…)
Hope you had a nice Christmas, Harold?
11
A fleshlight. Well I suppose that has the added benefit of being modelled on your adult film star of choice.
Can’t say the thought of shagging a synthetic vagina or arsehole floats might boat. What would be a good choice of words – different strokes? pun very much intended
Yes not bad Thomas. Hope you had an enjoyable one. I know it isn’t always a great time of year for some people.
9
Was it ‘shrooms and listening to Dark side of the moon while projecting the Wizard of Oz onto a wall with lava lamps or strobe lighting to set the mood on Boxing day Mr Cunt Engine?
Or was it some equally psychedelic journey?
For some reason this springs to mind
https://youtu.be/Xkg7dp1QY9k
3
I bloody love that scene.
Supposedly, only Gene Wilder knew what was going to happen, so everyone else’s fear, both child and adult, was genuine!
Not boxing day; I reckon I’ll save the psychedelics for new year’s eve…much better than a wanky party with boring people and smalltalk.
You have any plans?
Recreate a Diddy party, perhaps?
Beyonce will be a single lady soon, btw, what with Jay Z joining Diddy in prison imminently.
9
I spent xmas eve (about 8pm onwards fully immersed in watching the wall (100 inch HD projector) with a pair of B&W speakers gently playing psychedelic trance with overly distracting artificial visuals.
Powered by a brace of alleged 600ig tabs. I say alleged, they were sold tp me as such, although on the basis of me being out hand feeding the local horses and deer come the stroke of midnight their xmas presents, they may well have been as described.
Come sunrise around 8am I lit bbq and slow cooked a couple of lumps of heavily reduced xmas eve bargain beef joints.
As for the rest of the day, who knows, I may even have ate some of the beef.
All I know for sure is I still have lots left.
0
ig being ug.
without fail I manage at least one mistake on here per post.
My new years resolution is twofold, to change my name to cunt of the the isles to reflect my moving to the Hebrides.
And to not make letter mistakes, although the latter will prove more difficult a lot of the time with my blood subtance levels.
0
I know it will come as a shock to you Thomas but I’ve no interest in recreating a “Diddy party”.
Perhaps I’m a bit dull but as I’m not a gangsta rapper or wannabe rapper, don’t have the sort of money to by 1,000 bottles of baby oil, let alone the money to throw a lavish party and have no interest in shagging young men, it isn’t something I’d be interested in.
I’d be more interested in recreating this scene with a young woman like the one here.
https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=64570392e2be5&t=164
Link not safe for JP or those with a heart condition.
5
Thank you for the warning, Harold.
Very much appreciated.
I reckon marriages could be happy in almost all situations, if both spouses maintain separate residences, and simply visit for part of the day.
It’s the little things, like not squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom, reading the paper and leaving it looking like the cats litter tray liner that leads to bad feelings and conflict.
And as for farting in bed….
6
Same for not peeing on the seat JP.
Can’t help it.
Doesn’t matter how many times.
She just keeps on doing it.
😂😂😂
Not really.
2
😂😂😂😂😂
3
Mine keeps bitching that I leave the seat up.
She doesn’t understand the logic when I ask why she keeps leaving it down.
I solved the toothpaste problem by buying the solid plastic, pump action type.
And while we’re on the subject, what, exactly is she doing with all the toilet rolls? How can you use 5 rolls a week? Is she eating it? Selling it? Making a flag?
I try to not let these little annoyances get to me, and concentrate my mind on remembering she’s a right goer.
2
Careful with that one, She’ll stick a vibrating attachment to it and render you useless.
0
Having not seen my kids for several years, my advice is steer well clear of woman in a marriage sense.
By all means use and abuse them in a love dungeon but chop and change regularly, do not let them get used to the idea of even settling into a weekly visit.
9
Indeed, CoP.
Chop and change.
Chop off their hands and feet but remember to change the dressings regularly.
9
Thats bordering a little too close to the sharia guide to keeping a woman, though to give them credit, they do manage that part of their religion fairly well.
Gotta keep at least one hand if you di decide to keep one, she can’t stay handcuffed without, and cant operate the hoover either.
6
Apparently the UK is the top country for Sharia courts.
How lovely!
3
The fast growing sharia enthusiast population of the UK wishes.
Sadly this is one of the few wishes their genie will grant.
0
OT but West Side Story on the telly now. Just sang the lines;
My sister wears a moustache,
My brother wears a dress,
Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess!
Different times eh?
8
Indeed yes. Nowadays that will probably justify him going out later that evening and stabbing multiple scrotes with the rest of his gang.
🔪
7
Natalie Wood was a right goer.
More knobs than the Abbey Road mixing desk.
More drugs than Boots the Chemist.
9
Nat came a cropper with Bobby Wagner though.
8
Yep,
Robbie Wagner wouldn’t put up with Natalie’s Bullshit.
Starts Nagging?
Grab your coat we’re going sailing.
‘goddamn it Robert your always chumming the water for sharks!
I wanted to go a restaurant!”
8
Apparently she `fell` off a boat at sea and drowned.
Still, she probably saw more than her fair share of spume in her time.
🐳
7
Fell- thrown overboard , it’s a fine line.
I for one don’t believe Robert Wagner and Christopher Walked murdered her at sea.
Hollywood types are known for being nice people.😀
3
The only wood that wouldn’t float, was the big story, back in the day. Indeed very sad. A murder for sure.
4
For sure, Scunty.
3
Casablanca was on BBC yesterday, Arfur…I’d love to go back to 1942 and somehow manipulate my tongue up Ingrid Bergman’s bumhole.
11
A threesome with the two Ingrids.
Bergman and Pitt.
Lovely stuff.
9
Ho ho, nice one Norman, a yummy scenario indeed!
And maybe early 80’s Caroline Munro for supper?
9
And Scarlett Johansson’s middle name is Ingrid.
So, she could join in and all.
11
Some years back I always fancied a bit of Tess Daily, & some Kiera Nightly, for my 24 hour medication. I still think Kiera is worth a jump, but as for the other one…. dah!
1
Some years back I always fancied a bit of Tess Daily, & some Kiera Nightly, for my 24 hour medication. I still think Kiera is worth a jump, but as for the other one…. dah!
0
Twice? Ah well!
0
Some men get married to replace mum, do the cooking, ironing and so on, some men get married because the wife is hot, forgetting that she will quickly turn into a fat ugly sow, some men get married because they are too stupid not to.
Shag what you can while you are young, when you get older shag what you can get away with.
Reason not to get married, it’s fucking pointless.
11
I’ve been at both ends of the marriage spectrum.
First one. A complete cunt. Psychotic, moody, paranoid, jealous and many other faults.
Second – and current – one. Great, funny. kind, sexy. Loves her 70s rock music.
We have our rows like everyone else, but we know where are we are with each other. There’s a lot to be said for it. Especially after the trip to Hell that was my first one.
14
Ditto Norm, but stepkids are a nightmare.
0
Now on my third marriage because I’m a glutton for punishment.
What I’ve learned:
First missus; Danish. piss them off and they’ll sulk for two weeks and not talk to you.
Result: Give them your flat in central Copenhagen and leave penniless.
Second missus; Icelandic. Piss them off and they’ll bang every door twice to let you know they’re sulking.
Result: Give them your six bed detached in a Copenhagen suburb and your kid and still end up leaving penniless, but still paying for both.
Current missus; Portuguese. Piss them off and you won’t hear the end of it for two weeks
Result: I no longer have any further houses to give. This one is hers. Get a prenup in place ensuring you leave the marriage with what you came with.
Conclusion: getting a cleaner and a brass in once a week would have saved me hundreds of thousands.
9
How about a nice English girl, Odin?
Kate Garraway’s available.
10
Went out with a Scottish schoolteacher years ago
She looked like Shirley Maclaine in The Appartment only with specs.. She taught me a thing or two, and no mistake.
She went to teach in Japan. Still hear from her every now and again.
3
She’s gagging for it Norm.
1
Getting a discrete high-quality hitman would have also been cheaper, Odin!
Given your obvious propensity for fit foreign tottie, another option would’ve been hypnosis to enable you to find lower-class totty acceptable. The sort of woman who wears sovereign rings, eats packet after packet of own-brand bourbon biscuits and drives her mixed-race grandchildren around on the footwell of her motor scooter in her mismatched slippers.
This sort of woman, for example:
https://images.app.goo.gl/zDYNBvgkAgghWd4n7
Safe pic.
7
I went to my home town to see my Dad a couple of weeks back and all the women my age look just like the stunner in the photo.
Their daughters look like younger versions. Just with more make up
Absolute swamp donkeys and ditch pigs.
I think that also answers Geordie’s question.
5
I have to ask: Is the Beauty in that picture the type of stunner you keep locked up in your famous love dungeon, Thomas?
Drooling….
4
How about a “nice” Scottish girl?
Piss her off and she’ll stab you twice, drink all your drink and shag all the neighbours but reliably come back so long as you went to the shop for more drink on your way home from your stab.
1
Well I don’t know what all the fuss is about frankly.
This morning Mrs Terry pleasured me very nicely then made me a sausage and egg sandwich.
Perfectly acceptable.
So there.
11
She pleasured you very nicely?
Lucky man!
Did she make full use of that present you received?
https://images.app.goo.gl/H5xyUYgj7gmjxBTk7
Safe pic.
6
Good grief Thomas no.
I don’t work at the BBC you know.
4
They’ve probably already got one on every floor.
3
My missus worships the ground I walk on.
Because I’m not a fucking golfer!!
😂
And because without me the dog would eat her
14
If it flies, floats or fucks, then rent it.
never ever buy.
16
Golf ? You can just go and floG that nonsense.
5
If you decide to get married, fine, but don’t have kids with your wife otherwise all you will remember is what that holes supposed to be used for and your wife will turn into a mother..and who the fuck wants to shag their mother and know what’s come out her minge?
Sex stopped when we had our daughter….wife wasn’t interested and I just saw a mother with a daughter hanging out her flange.
6
Which is exactly why men have no place in the birthing room.
Whoever thought it was a good idea, well, I hope they are roasting in Hell.
3
This is a recognised phsycosis.
It’s called the Madonna Syndrome.
You never recover CG.
2
Oh come on lads, don’t be such wimps! Ours were both born in our bed at home and I was there for the whole show, in fact they had me carrying those full size gas cylinders up and down the stairs. I admit they made the wife wince a bit, they were both 9½ pounders, especially the first one who came out the wrong way up. We had two midwives for the event and after the delivery the doctor came in to stitch the wife back together. He asked for a light and I held a desk lamp for him fitted with a 100 watt bulb. We had a laugh when he asked me to move it slightly. When I apologised and told him I had thought I was holding it in the right place he said;
“Yes I could see all right but you’re burning my ear.”
3
A song before MNC gets in with one:
https://youtu.be/W1FsNxDrsEg?t=64
3
Good grief 😔
Here,
https://youtu.be/f55CqLc6IR0?si=9V1n49mQgVVJjW46
Much better 👍
2
Got to be the first time I’ve seen someone the mandolin in the Pirate Metal song.
Here you go. I reckon this is what you’d look like if you won the lottery:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMx4omvqmvQ
1
Dressed like Andrew Dice Clay 😂😂
0
Well I know of many pairings where the reception lasted longer than the marriage. Often the trouble here was that both parties lived with their parents. Best thing about the ‘old days’ was that the stag & hen night, was held the night before the big day, so not any more. Some now have three or even four, giving themselves maybe a week before tying the knot. Soft cunts, is what I call them! Gone are the days when the groom got tied to a lamp post, stark bollock naked, or he fell asleep, & woke up having had his eyelashes shaved off, or worse. There is really no fun anymore.
3
Adam’s rib should have been ground to dust and scattered to the four winds.
Fuck Off.
4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr-XMZJ1DH4
Take me back fifty years and fucking leave me there.
3
Pick me up some Ritz crackers whilst you’re there.
Jolly good.
As you were.
2
Bar Six and an Aztec bar ?
Quality, not like 21st. century fuck ups.
3
A decent pint of mild
Some Dundee biscuits that were like manhole covers.
And a balloon off the rag n boneman😀
3
The balloon killed me!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
👌
👏👏👏👏
2
Loved the Aztec Bar. And Old Jamaica.
And I am glad they are not around now for Mondelez to fuck up.
Evening Jack.
2
This thread just confirms the wisdom of Socrates:
If you have a good wife you will be a happy man.
If you have a bad wife you will be a philosopher.
Everyone seems to find their own consolations here.
Well done chaps.
Am I just lucky? Great wife. Makes life worth living.
6
Agree completely with your last line there LC. Married fifty years now, never regretted it for a moment.
3
Loved Socrates, me.
And Zico, Eder, Falcao and Junior.
2
Schopenheimer was useless in goal, and Nietzsche just didn’t seem to care.
0
The football was better too.
Not like today’s shite.
When a red card would only be shown on production of a Death Certificate.
LOL.
3
Ref : ” This match will not be abandoned……. pies have come “
2
Here’s the link…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Mkn5kU01bY
1
They are almost Mesna material.
1
Yep, your a lucky man Artie.
And you should buy her something nice and tell her your a lucky man.
Show your appreciation.
I’m lucky too.
Bet there’s not many would put up with me.😉
My missus sees good in everyone.
I think they’re cunts.
She feels sorry for people.
I laugh at others misfortune.
She is a better person than I could ever be.
And tempers my checks my more malicious side .
Without my missus I’d truly be a horror.
She’s the best👍
Can’t fuckin cook like
Whereas I can make a pie that’d make jesus weep.
4
Into each life, a little rain will fall.
Quote from the soon to be released
” Book of Musings”, compiled by JP.
I assume she’s a demon elsewhere?
3
Oh yes.
She scrubs the khazi till it gleams.
2
Into each life a little rain must fall.,..
I feel a song coming on..
https://youtu.be/TRt4hQs3nH0?si=dScAY3KSSP70j9yo
1
I would love to re-live the entire 1974-75 Division 2 season. I bloody loved every second of it. We took over entire grounds and whole towns.
Doc’s Red Army!
1
George Best going through Glyn Pardoe.
Martin Buchan taking out Colin Bell.
Norman Whiteside getting Steve McMahon.
And Kevin Moran flattening that monkey man Peter Reid.
1
One for the road, then bed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1TgdZCACqE
Tomorrow, ‘ No sleep ’til Cumbria ‘
Over and out.
2
👍👍♠️
2
Brilliant that, Jack.
Run To The Hills!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86URGgqONvA
1
This is like advice from Henry VIII.
2
Had to laugh today.
A mate of the Mrs pointed me in the direction of the latest Katy Perry video.
She claimed it was ‘feminist’ and had a ‘social message’.
Well…. That’s not what I was thinking of when I saw it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVIJUH29pjU
3
‘But… But it’s satire. It’s how men see women’s bodies.’
Funny, how the left can change sexism to satire if it suits them. The daft tart gets her lallies our of her own free will, and it’s still all the nasty (white) man’s fault. Not that I’m complaining. mind.
Perry has always relied on her tits to sell records, and always will do.
It’s a fucking wank video. End of.
2