You’ll all be familiar with Danny ‘Double Chin’ Dyer, professional BellEnder and rumoured lovechild of ‘Dirty Den’ Watts and Pat Butcher. Well Danny’s got a new flick out soon. It’s called ‘Marching Powder’, and it’s about a geezer trying to stop snorting the old Columbian white and fighting at football matches, and turn his life around to save his marriage.

So we can expect to see some promotional stuff popping up the meeja in the coming days I suppose. You know the sort of thing; Danny out flogging ‘The Big Ishoo’ and bemoaning the lot of the homeless, or maybe a photo opp as he quaffs a pint and an eel pie in bar of ‘The Whore’s Drawers’ somewhere down the East End. He might turn up on breakfast tv as he does from time to time, giving it large on the state of affairs in the Middle East or something, know wot ah mean?

You just have to put up with this kind of ‘d’ list shite, but in my opinion The Cockney Cockhead has just excelled himself when granting an exclusive to ‘The Daily Scar’ on the bombshell topic of, erm, his ringpiece. It seems that the lad’s partial to a fiendishly hot Ruby Murray and a few beers on a Saturday night, but this causes him some discomfort. ‘There’s a myth that it (Indian food) gives you the runs’ cautions Danny. ‘It doesn’t, it just makes your arsehole sting’.

A sad and cautionary tale, I’m sure you’ll all agree. We can only sympathise with Danny as he endures his ‘curry hell. It’s a story with a universal theme; we’ve all been there. But at least there’s a happy outcome, as he tells us. He ‘plans carefully’ for when he needs ‘to get that first pony out of the way’. What does this involve? Well, keeping his bog roll cool obviously, and this requires some thought. ‘You don’t wanna leave your toilet roll next to the potato salad in the fridge, it’s not very appetising is it. So I just pop it in me little wine cooler and dab away’.

It’s a touchin’ good story, told with all the elegance and refinement that we’ve come to expect from such a gent. I’ll definitely be looking out for that new film now, I do so admire a real touch of quality in a ‘celebrity’. Good on yer mah san, the people have a right to know.

Daily Star

Nominated by Ron Knee.