Danny Dyer (9)

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You’ll all be familiar with Danny ‘Double Chin’ Dyer, professional BellEnder and rumoured lovechild of ‘Dirty Den’ Watts and Pat Butcher. Well Danny’s got a new flick out soon. It’s called ‘Marching Powder’, and it’s about a geezer trying to stop snorting the old Columbian white and fighting at football matches, and turn his life around to save his marriage.

So we can expect to see some promotional stuff popping up the meeja in the coming days I suppose. You know the sort of thing; Danny out flogging ‘The Big Ishoo’ and bemoaning the lot of the homeless, or maybe a photo opp as he quaffs a pint and an eel pie in bar of ‘The Whore’s Drawers’ somewhere down the East End. He might turn up on breakfast tv as he does from time to time, giving it large on the state of affairs in the Middle East or something, know wot ah mean?

You just have to put up with this kind of ‘d’ list shite, but in my opinion The Cockney Cockhead has just excelled himself when granting an exclusive to ‘The Daily Scar’ on the bombshell topic of, erm, his ringpiece. It seems that the lad’s partial to a fiendishly hot Ruby Murray and a few beers on a Saturday night, but this causes him some discomfort. ‘There’s a myth that it (Indian food) gives you the runs’ cautions Danny. ‘It doesn’t, it just makes your arsehole sting’.

A sad and cautionary tale, I’m sure you’ll all agree. We can only sympathise with Danny as he endures his ‘curry hell. It’s a story with a universal theme; we’ve all been there. But at least there’s a happy outcome, as he tells us. He ‘plans carefully’ for when he needs ‘to get that first pony out of the way’. What does this involve? Well, keeping his bog roll cool obviously, and this requires some thought. ‘You don’t wanna leave your toilet roll next to the potato salad in the fridge, it’s not very appetising is it. So I just pop it in me little wine cooler and dab away’.

It’s a touchin’ good story, told with all the elegance and refinement that we’ve come to expect from such a gent. I’ll definitely be looking out for that new film now, I do so admire a real touch of quality in a ‘celebrity’. Good on yer mah san, the people have a right to know.

Daily Star

Nominated by Ron Knee.

60 thoughts on “Danny Dyer (9)”

  1. Wotcha treacle.

    Ive changed my mind about Daniel.

    His chirpy chimchiminee cockney persona used to make me dream of feeding him into a wood chipper.

    But I saw some documentary where he was saying about being a direct descendant from Edward 111,
    And he made me laugh.
    He was very entertaining.

    He doesn’t let his disability hold him back.

    Well done me old cockle,
    Gercha.

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  3. An insufferable cunt along with his brain dead daughter.
    Professional Cockney Wanker whom I immediately switch channel if he or her happen to be on.

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  4. Tv hard man or is it straw man..

    Eastenders the most unrealistic program on tv. The east end is wall to wall inbreds.

    The new film sounds a cracker.
    Actors shouting ya mug at each other for 90 minutes.

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  5. I still maintain that Danny Dyer speaks like Larry Olivier or John Gielgud in private.
    At least that’s what I’d like to believe.
    Sometimes, I have nightmares involving Danny, ‘Arry Fackin’ Redknapp, Stacey Solomon and Joe Swash giving it full on ‘straightener on the cobbles’ and ‘straight in, no shootas’.
    What a bunch of mockney cunts!

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    • Don’t forget spit flecked cook Jamie Oliver!

      “My old mum used to always use truffle oil when cooking eels for Jack the Hat .
      That’s it… Bosh.
      Get it in there,
      Mustard👍”

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    • I still remember that time his mask slipped on ‘EastEnders’.

      A couple of geezers came into the pab and Danny was supposed to say ‘if you’ve cam lookin’ fer trabble, yer’ve cam ter the wight place’.

      He forgot himself, and said ‘one assumes that you gentlemen have come in search of an altercation, in which case, you have indeed alighted at the correct location’.

      Fair do’s to the Beeb; they could have re-shot it, but left it in for comedy value.

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  6. What’s up with his head in the header? Is it AI generated or a puppet?

    He looks a bit like Ricky fackin Gervais too.

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  7. I like certain cockney slang.

    Moodys (shoes) =moody blues

    Berk. “You bleeding berk!”
    (Cunt)

    Jacobs. (Bollocks, knackers)
    Jacobs cream crackers.

    Titfer. (Hat) Tit for tat.

    These lovable market traders, underworld murderers, and presenters of Runaround have enriched our culture.

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  8. Perhaps I could become the landlord of The Whore’s Drawers?. I’ll get an old, out- of – tune joanna so that some aspiring Mrs. Mills can bash out a few good old good ones, a stripper every Friday night, a drag queen on Saturdays (when Wes Streeting can make it – he’s an East End lad so he likes to tell us) and for opening night I could get Angela Rayner to cut the ribbon.

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  9. TV hard man 😳
    He was bullied at school 😢
    Keeps a bog roll in the fridge for his sore botty, so not as tough as he looks 😂

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    • Bet he was the hardest lad at performing arts school?

      It must be a burden that hooligan image?

      Because Danny goes into any pub in the country someone’s going to be thinking about twatting him.
      Especially if he starts his apple an pears bollocks.

      Same with Liam Gallagher.
      He starts acting the cunt anywhere someone’s going to try and rip his monobrow off.

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    • To be a proper cockney they say you should be born within sound of bowlegs.

      But there’s other criteria to qualify.

      You should wear a porkpie hat.

      You are called Ronnie, Arthur, John. Sid.

      You fink your flash.

      Barbara Windsor was your babysitter.

      Your fluent in ‘ tic tac toe’.

      And you love a ‘ villain’.

      Armed blagger, pornographer, embezzler, conman, gangster, Train robber, protection racketeer,
      They all loved their mum’s and wore a clean shirt.

      @
      From forthcoming book
      ‘ Bethnall and I ‘

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  13. Ah yes the true Mockney Cliche.

    Dreams up a story that any cunt who’s had a vindaloo and a lobotomy could shart out fir the shock value to some wizened has-been on daytime telly.

    Any publicity is good publicity,so said Max Clifford as he interfered with a teenager on the bonnet of his Bentley..

    Cockley Wankers,from when Viz was still funny thirty years ago.

    Telling Porky Pies?

    Fuck off,Oven.

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    • Imagine his calorie intake Thomas!

      All that pie and mash,
      Treacle and watneys red barrel?

      His next ‘motor’s a hearse.

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  15. Isn’t this Mockney cunt now in that laughable Jilly Cooper shite on Disney Plus?
    I believe that thermonuclear cunt David Tennant is in it too. Seriously, the ‘saucy’ mini series went out in the 80s, The sort of crap Richard Chamberlain used to be in. And one with Dyer and Tennant starring in it is just fucking ridiculous.

    And, talking of Tennant, I bet the trans rimming woke tosspot is crying as I write about Kemi Badenoch getting the Tory leadrship.

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  16. Danny Dyer has always been a joke.

    His claims that he was in the infamous West Ham hoolgan firm the ICF are pure comedy. He was no more ICF than Ray Winstone or Frank Bruno were. Celebrity bullshittters, of which Dyer is a gold medalist.

    Dyer also has a lot to answer for. As he infilcted that illiterate chav skank, Dani Dyer on the worls. She makes Adele look like Emeline Pankhurst. And Adele is as thick as pig shit.

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  17. NeverEnders is the biggest pile of shite on television.

    Makes out it’s pushing the woke message (which is bad enough), But it’s always been the same old crap. Glamourising wife beaters and thugs. wannabe Krays, and crabs distributing slappers who wuz ‘waped’ by orrible Uncle Arry/Ernie/Archie. Kat Slater is the biggest slag in soap history.

    And seeiing that blancmange Dyer squaring up to that other joke shop ‘hardman’ Phil Mitchell simply cannot be taken seriously. Fat old beerbellied cunts pretending to be ‘Ver Gav’nar’. Hilarious.

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  18. Oh fack!

    Vat vindaloo’s playin avoc wiv me bottle ‘n’ glarse.

    I was at Reggie’s funeral, E was a proper toff, guv’nor.

    Gor bloimey! Lav a duck. Chim Chim Cheree Chimcheroo.

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  19. OT from OT.

    If Ten Hag had have taken just a few minutes studying United’s managerial history he’d have seen with his style of play he was destined to fail. Winning a cup guarantees nothing as his countryman Van Gaakl will testify. Shit football at United gets you the bullet.

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  20. If I was a cockney chap I’d be a Pearlie king.

    In for a penny?
    In for a pound guv.

    I’d eat me eels from a west ham cup.

    An say cheeky comments to women passing by my market stall.

    ” AlWight babe?
    Your old man still in the scrubs?
    Awww, if you fancy a eel pop round my drum”

    And give em a saucy wink like Sid James.

    “Ows your old mum Shirl?
    Couldn’t sew some buttons on me cap could she?
    T,’riffic.”

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    • If you were a modern cockney you’d say there is only one god his name is Allan.

      That and ‘I can’t wait until my sister turns six!’

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  23. ‘e knew Ron an’ Reg you know so leave it aht!
    Last time i was dahn the fahkin’ East End it looked like Bangalore.
    You caant.

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    • Danny dyer was born 24th july 1977, ron & reg where captured 8th may 1968 and gaoled in 1969? the blokes an arse talking cunt.

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  26. A bit of northern wisdom for our chimchiminee friends in the East End…

    Get some fackin gravy on it!!

    Gravy solves all problems.

    Fixes any meal,
    Use it as a sex lube
    Works on cuts , stings, grazes,
    And is a natural antibiotic.

    *Facts sourced from the Bisto company

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  28. His daughter is from the shallow end of the gene pool,

    Dani Dyer. Imbecilic low rent nepo skank and footballers’ bean bag.
    My old nana’s budgie had more brains and it also talked more sense

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