Cliché Film Props

For someone who loves ‘movies’ as much as I do, I seem to find a lot in the American variety that really pisses me off of late. I’ve been on here in the not-too-distant cunting worn-out dialogue of the ‘we’re running out of time!’ variety. I’ve cunted the tedious scenarios, of which there are many; hero walks away from huge explosion without looking back sort of thing, in slo-mo of course. Then there’s the persistent and wearisome use of product placement…

When watching a flick last night, I was reminded of how American film-makers have even managed to make a cliché from the use of props. A character had been out to get steak for dinner. She came back carrying the obligatory plain brown paper bag, with guess what sticking out the top? You got it, a fucking baguette.

Here are a few other worn-out prop clichés to back up my point;

*coffee and doughnuts; six steaming hot plastic cups and a box of doughnuts, carried into the office in one hand by a character determined to be friendly
*napkin; so that somebody can show how sick they are by coughing blood into it
*parked car; conveniently parked for a falling body to smash into
*mobile phone; works anywhere, except when it’s most needed to work
*photograph; of loved ones, propped up by serviceman, to show he’s for the chop
*cardboard box; pic of family sticking out, carried out of office by someone just fired
*helicopter and/or black SUV; crucial for CIA, NSA or the Feds to stage arrival
*breakfast; always cooked by wife but left by husband, who’s inevitably running late
*car keys; conveniently under visor for escaping hero (car then won’t start natch; ‘come on come ON!’, cliché dialogue supplement)
*file; for buzzard female lawyer to slam shut and say ‘we’re done here’ to cops

You can even have characters as cliché props. There’s the hero with the social outcast friend, the high school lead with the nerdy but supersmart sidekick…

Throw all these various knackered tropes into the mix, and it’s hard to disagree with Ricky Gervais’s assessment that Hollywood product these days is awful. It’s lazy, tired, unimaginative, dominated by prequels and sequels and superhero crap, not to mention being infected by incessant wokery.

So if you want to see a rinse-and-repeat bore, packed with clapped out dialogue and plot lines, and yes, even worn-out props, just take a trip to your nearest multiplex, and you’ll be amply rewarded by the ‘choice’ on offer. For myself, I think I might have to stick with the ‘Golden Age’ classics and works from Europe and Latin America from now on.

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Nominated by Ron Knee.

112 thoughts on “Cliché Film Props

  1. I watched Diamonds are Forever over the weekend. I’m not a massive fan of the Connery Bond films as they’re a bit before my time.

    Nonetheless, I appreciate them for what they are. That particular film’s taking the piss out of a couple of cocoshunters is very, very funny.

    Live and Let Die is also a personal favourite, largely because it portrays the Diversities as being a bunch of savages. Mind you, these days it seems to reflect more of a documentary about our simian brethren.

    • Sean Connery in a syrup and a 6’2″ nip in You Only Live Twice is a favourite too, CC. He just looks so fucking ridiculous you forget about the space rockets launching from a volcano and the ninjas with machine guns.

      • Hahaha! Oh yes, another classic, LL! What is it the make him Nip Up for again?

        “Darling, I give you very best duck!”

      • I watched a programme about the clasdic Bond films. It was on BBC4, So I was understandably wary.

        And, how right I was. It featured Mark Gatiss and some other fudge packer. And all they did was bitch about Sean Connery’s wigs and make up. And, of course, this pair of botty bandits never spoke about Ursula, Honor and all the other lovely Bond Girls.

        No mention of the films’ storylines or the times they were made in/for either. Just a pair of identikit BBC phags, backbiting about Irish Jigs and fake tan. Gatiss is a thermonuclear cunt, and no mistake.

  2. The bomb timer reaching 001 before it’s defused.
    (How nice of the villain to let the hero know how much time is on the fuse).

  3. Don’t forget the high speed car chase.. perfectly spaced vehicles so the hero can slalom through..

    Try that in the brown goblins london..
    You would have four just eat couriers on your bonnet before you’ve changed into third gear. Or 50 just stop oil cunts laying in the road.

  4. In cop films like Die Hard with a Vengeance or Lethal Weapon to name but two, the time-honoured tradition of the pissed off lieutenant demanding they hand in their badge and gun, because City Hall doesn’t like maverick cops. Like that is going to stop them from killing the bad guys and destroying half the city.

  5. I watch shit films for entertainment, don’t really take much notice of props other than tits and ass, the occasional bush shot, Maria Bello was a nice surprise 😳

  6. I always wondered why there was rubber gloves and a P. Diddy amount of industrial lubricant in the background of the set of ‘Strike It Lucky’.

  7. For a start off, I think you should drop the M word and start by watching films instead. “Les Quatre Cents Coups” for a start and “Ladri di biciclette” to be getting on with.

  8. I always used to like the way British TV cop shows like The Sweeney, always made sure there were large quantities of empty cardboard boxes for the rouges Jaguar and the police cars to crash into, during the chase sequences. The did the same thing ten years earlier for The Saint.

    I don’t watch many films these days, but I can tell you at Boggs Pornographic Film Productions (Taiwan) Limited, we only have a few props – a tall bar stool (for the striptease sequences), a bentwood chair, and a nice gold topped whip. These latter two items have been much in use recently for Rodders and Rachel’s latest production: Rodders is in school gown and mortar board, and he is disciplining naughty schoolgirl Rachel, who is wearing just a glum expression and a pair of blue gym knickers. They don’t stay on long as she goes across Rodders knee for bare assed chastisement and correction, which the headmaster finds very arousing……. That brings a blush to her cheeks, And to her face. Can I put anyone down for a copy?

    • Boggs, you’re clearly a man of taste and culture. What’s your take on vintage bongo film with a bit of a historical twist? You know, Caligula and that sort of thing.

      • We did consider a historical film, but unfortunately we would have had to tone down the mass orgies (we don’t have that many extras) and they would not have allowed me to do the beheading scenes.

    • Afternoon WCB/all.
      I’d imagine that Rachel’s minge is particularly hirsute, going three inches down her thighs and up to her evil communist belly button.
      It probably resembles late 70’s telly icon Captain Caveman, with her clit being like his nose, sticking proudly out of the matted hair and all big and excited as she signs death warrants on elderly indigenous folk.

      • I have to confess that does cause lighting problems, and the hairy chest means an hours work just shaving it. The cane had to be used because slapping her ample arse sounded as if a studio audience was in the study.

      • It sounds a girly sort of scream. I imagine they recorded one of Mandy’s fights with the Brazilian husband. That is the latter copping it round the ear with Mandy’s handbag.

      • It’s a standing joke, Ron but it hasn’t been funny for a long time.

        Actually pisses me off to hear it as it completely throws any sort of immersion that they may have drummed up.

  9. Hacking into secure sites. Usually takes a few tense minutes on a laptop. Not days with a supercomputer.

    • Yep, and the one where the hero/heroine is always trying to download info just as the baddies are rushing up the stairs. They always arrive a split second too late, to find the room empty

    • Yeah!
      They are always tippity-tapping on the keyboard to bring up something on screen.
      Never use the mouse.
      Still using DOS?🤔

  10. Didn’t some silly sod pay 500 grand for a 1977 Stat Wars Stormtrooper helmet?

    You can get a new one, with the voice changer in it for 125 quid.

  11. Doors in haunted houses always need a bit of oil on the hinges.
    The always squeak.

    In other news……..
    It seems that the UK’s favourite jug eared, crisp thief Lineker is leaving Match of the Day.

    • He’s a “world-class presenter” according to the BBC.

      Whatever the fuck that means for someone who smugky whispers lame jokes at his fellow parasites.

    • @ Artful Cunter rocking chairs are always haunted and are able to rock with no fucker sat in it.
      I want one for my cobweb covered hallway to go with my squeaky door and creaking staircase

  12. Father ted speed 3, pile of boxes, milk float, mark 5 cortina, oh and the busty beauties. I forgot me feckin trousers. Legendary stuff.

  13. Cowboy sat on a porch in a chair , his boots resting on a hitching post,
    His hat over his face.
    Flies buzz lazily ,
    It’s hot, REAL hot.

    Bad guys ride up in a dust cloud , sit on there horses staring at our hero.

    ” You Sam mcCloud/ Wyatt earp/ William Bonney?”

    Our hero slowly pushes up his hat and peers at them.

    Spits tobacco juice near the horses hooves and says quietly and full of menace

    ” Who wants to know?”

    I fuckin love cliches👍

    • Enjoy them while you can Miserable before they are updated for modern sensitivities.

      “You Jesse James or you know where he at?”

      “They/them actually bigot”.

      • That sounds pretty awesome for cavalier reply to a nom MNC. Have you thought about fiction writing?

  14. A castle on a butte of granite,
    Lightning illuminates the Transylvanian skies
    And thunder rumbles menacingly.

    A carriage winds it’s way to the castle doors pulled by wild eyed horses…

    I’d go in the daytime.
    And in better weather.

  15. The heroine is tied to a post, the savages dance around her brandishing spears.
    Drums beat loudly in the jungle and for some reason a kookaburra calls( it’s on holiday because they’re Australian)

    https://youtu.be/vDuKhgPwifs?si=KKSweFRiu61iAQKt

    The witchdoctor rattles his bones and grins,
    Then!
    A call!
    It’s Tarzan lord of the Jungle!

    Should of kept his gob shut.
    Had the element of surprise there.

  16. The old defusing a bomb and have to cut the red or yellow wire. Cue lots of sweaty foreheads and squeezing every last possible second out of an entirely predictable outcome.

  17. Charles Bronson, opening scene in a western.
    ” And Frank”
    ” Frank sent us”
    “you bring a horse for me”
    “looks like we’re shy one horse, ha ha hah he he”
    Shake of the head.
    “You brought two to many”
    Silence
    Bang bam bang ang bang.
    The slowly spinning creaking wind vane introduces its sound, when the echoes of the last of gunshots disappear across the plains.

    Yah they used to know how to make em.

      • How is it James Bond never has morning mouth halitosis either. He wakes up in bed and has a nice tongue sandwich snog with crumpet like Madeline Smith, Diana Rigg & Jane Seymour.

  18. Unkempt private detective walking a city street,
    Needs a shave, his tie askew.
    A luxury limousine screeches to the curb.

    A pug nosed heavy gets out.

    ” Get in” he gruffly says to Sam Spade.

    Sam resigned to his fate gets in.

    I’d run.
    Duckin and weaving.
    Easily outrun that cunt.

    • Evening MNC…did you like the Director’s cut of “Pulp Fiction”?
      Where Bruce Willis goes back down into the basement of the pawn shop ready to rescue Marsellus Wallace and kick some faģgot ass, only to discover that Marsellus is not only enjoying being bummed by ‘Z’, he’s chowing down on the beardy guy too.

      • Evening Thomas 👍

        Poor Bruce Willis probably doesn’t remember that film or the marvellous taste of Demi moores fanny☹️

        I’m surprised John Travolta didn’t insist on a rewrite where he was getting bummed in the cellar 😂

      • John Revolting is a strange cunt.
        Gets a chance to shag the magnificent Olivia Newton John (RIP) and dhe didn’t.

        Id have done the lovely Livvy until I didn’t have an ounce of energy left in me.

  19. This is your last chance Mahhoooneeey, the Mayor’s got the chief all over my ass on this one.
    ” i’ll get you what you need Captain, I have a hunch”

    • You’re badge is on the line johnny and I say that as a friend,
      I know you just lost your beautiful wife , this why I’m standing by you
      Just get me the evidence johnny.
      (as I couldn’t give two fks either way) private thoughts from Captain.
      Turns out the Captain was in on it from the start.
      Maahhhooooneeeey finally realises by the end of the flick.

  20. What is it with actors getting out of showers, lakes, rivers, the sea or basically anything that requires getting wet and drying off super quick. Schwarzenegger’s Last Action Hero parodied the action genre with Arnie’s character falling into a tar pit and cleaning himself off with a few tissues.

  21. Some of my favourite bar room cliché props for destruction;

    *the glasses stack on the end of the bar
    https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=john+wayne+%3B+guess+i%27m+feeling+my+liqour

    *the bar window for tossing a baddie through
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWwToK5c9sY

    *the bar chair and/or the bottle that gets smashed
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q51R9sUVojk

    *the mirror behind the bar
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTJQYGkf-cc

  22. Steven Seagull can fuck off.

    He pinched me cornet out of me hand, when I was walking down the promenade at Llandudno.

    Cunt.

      • Alright MNC ? Winning, yes, but pissed off with fireworks.

        The Hound has been petrified, animals have died with the stress and veterans with PTSD will have been going through hell. Especially those living rough and not being put up in a nice hotel in Altrincham, free gratis.

        So, not in the best of moods at the moment, everything just looks negative.

        This happens from time to time.

        Anyway, how’s things at Miserable Manor ?

        Everyone ok ?

        Hound ?

        Morning pal 👍

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