Grand Designs

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At the end of each programme there is a screen which says, “If You Are Planning Your Own Grand Design Get In Touch”.

No need for any of that mularky.
I will tell you exactly what will happen. That will save you having to tolerate the smug, slap head cunt, Kevin McCloud.

Your £360,000 budget will triple.
You will end up having to scrounge money from parents and friends.
You will spend your entire credit card limits.

You will not be “in for Christmas”, not this year or the next two.
Your 8 month build will run to at least 3 years.

You will not get the planning permission that you wanted.
You will have to appeal at least twice to get some sort of compromise.

One of you will take over the role as Project Manager because you will sack your main contractor.
This will mean that you will pack in your day job.

Your window supplier will be months overdue with your delivery.

Your wife will get pregnant during the build.

You will end up with a weird house.
It will not be a home.
It will lack any comforts.

All that is inevitable.
It happens in every programme.

Kevin McCloud has made a career of this predictability.
25 year’s of churning out the exact same tosh.

No wonder he is such a smug cunt.

It makes you wonder how these people manage to secure huge mortgages on non standard construction builds, especially when one of them have jacked in their paying job to concentrate on the project.

And………
The people that sign up to have their build featured do not receive one fucking penny for filling up an hour of television time.

grand designs

Nominated by The Artful Cunter.

70 thoughts on “Grand Designs”

  1. Bearing in mind that everyone who builds these monstrosities rides a bicycle wearing lycra, reads the Guardian and is in favour of immigration (not near their silly house, of course), I hope that Kevin McCloud trails dogshit onto their carpets off his filthy boots and takes an unflushed dump in one of their designer toilets.

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      • How would that be horrible?!
        Seems absolutely spunkworthy.
        Just working away for a couple of weeks.
        Have I missed anything?

    • Hey Thomas,

      Good to see you and good to hear the work goes on.

      I got the Grand Design video you sent me but I don’t think they’ll put it on TV.

      The razor wire fence around the compound looked good and should keep unwanted people out and unknowing guests in. And I was impressed with the Bunker. But I agree with you, they did a shoddy job on the dungeon complex.

      Still, if the soundproofing holds up it should serve you well.

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  2. He should be cunted for filling my wife’s head full of ideas. And after all the aggro, he always says it looks brilliant and they say it was worth it, thus encouraging more of this nonsense. I’d prefer a programme that shows where these people get their budget from. Are they all drug dealers?

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    • I’ve always thought the same. Jocasta is a freelance butterfly illustrator and Tarquin services bicycles. Here they are with a 5 million pound budget. And they are all useless cunts.

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  3. All the builds on Grand designs are ugly as fuck.

    They look like Tesco locals.

    All glass, and metal.
    Modernist shite.

    That little flamer Kevin mcCloud would get told to fuck right off.

    I want oak beams, possibly a thatched roof?
    And I want local stone used.

    I don’t want a open plan kitchen either, or a 20ft dining table.
    I don’t have dinner parties.

    I don’t want your ugly dream Kevin.
    Fuck off🖕

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    • hi miserable, I am appalled you told Kevin to fuck off, I’m shocked with your lack of care, Kevin should fuck right off, not just fuck off , there.. that is a better way to tell him to fuck off

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    • I’ve seen a few episodes of this and wondered why on earth somebody would want to live in a thing that looks like a 1960’s DHSS office.

      There’s a cunt who lives behind us who is constantly modifying his house, getting rid of all the decent sized trees in the process so now we can get a full view of him arguing with his wife early on a Sunday morning, with their sliding glass doors wide open.

      I look at people like this and think, why did you just not buy a house that you liked?

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  4. I cannot stand that smug bar steward. All faux sympathy on the programme.
    Doesn’t tell you that twoof his companies have gone into liquidation, leaving gullible investors out of pocket.

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    • Rich cunt. Where’d you thieve that from? My idea of home renovating is touching up the greasy blobs on the wallpaper where my wife used blutak to hang Christmas decorations.

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      • That`s how much we got from Geldof.
        + we use elephant shit to hang the xmas decorations – its organic. That`s if we know its xmas time of course, because there`s no snow you see. Also, no bells as they remind us of the `clanging chimes of doom`.
        🔕

  6. There are so many programmes which have been allowed to drear on, regardless of quality (Bargain Hunt, Escape To The Country, Strictly Come Mincing) for years and this is a prime example. Cheap TV – doesn’t cost much to make, those taking part enjoy inflicting their masturbatory fantasies, and so thick they don’t realise the presenter is taking the piss out of them.

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    • On my occasional weekday off work, I do indulge in Homes Under the Hammer, but only because of that fiery ginger sexpot Martel Maxwell.

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    • Look at that in the header pic.

      Nice drystone wall,…
      Then that fuckin Frankenstein house looming over it.

      It offends me.
      I have exquisite taste
      Known for it!

      The only way of improving that is Semtex.
      Monstrous.

      Kevin loves that sort of shite.
      The uglier the better for kev.

      Hes a prevert.

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      • Wonder if Kevin has ever sneaked off from the homeowners and camera crew and found the used underwear hamper, quickly knocking one out in their bed with a pair of well-used knickers on his face?

      • He looks suspiciously like he’s playing with himself in the photo.
        Probably just caught a glimpse of Anastasia getting out of the sunken Florentine terrazzo bath in her 2000 square foot vanity room.
        The dirty sod.

      • Vile isn’t it?

        Looks like someone stacked up a load of old shipping containers. Stands out like sore thumb, or summat.

  7. You know who had grand designs, some vegetarian Austrian fellow.

    His project started well, but eventually he run out of materials and labour.
    Lots of communist council objections and interference..

    Ended up blowing his own brains out.

    Can’t find that one on all4.

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  8. What galls me after all these years is that the people who undertake these projects inevitably fall out with the architect or builder who are giving sound advice and then decide to take on the design and build role themselves.

    Despite having 25 years of other people’s woeful experiences as a warning not to do this and having zero construction project management experience to fall back on, they do it anyway.

    As I work in construction, you never deviate from the original plan. Once you go down that path, budget and programme go out the window and the builder will be rubbing his hands because you’ve just paid for his holiday home in Marbella.

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    • Your final paragraph is the best advice on here Odin. I’ve known people change their plans as they go along and it has always cost them a fortune and a load of heartache. This is also wise advice outside house building. Big infrastructure projects financed by government nearly always massively overrun in time and money and often this behaviour plays a big part. HS2 anyone? Most kit cars get sold on uncompleted because the original buyer keeps changing things as they go along, gets disheartened and gives up. People build light aircraft from kits. For obvious reasons instructions on assembly are detailed and precise. One character I knew of decided to mount the wings on his kit differently from the manufacturer’s instructions. A wing parted company from the fuselage at 2,000ft and he was identified from his dental records.

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      • That’s a steep learning curve for the light aircraft enthusiast, Arfur.

        The people who boil my piss are the interior designers. Or as I less than affectionately call them, the scatter cushion slingers.

        Some twat called Poppy or Frederique strolls into a finished apartment and suddenly want all of the skirting, walls and architraves repainted in some revolting Farrow and ball colour, half the ceiling taken down to fit a massive chandelier weighing in at 150kg and ‘That socket over there just moved to the left by 50mm’ to accommodate some wonky reclaimed sideboard.

        “Yeah, no worries pal. Just let your client know that they need to budget about £10k. If they had told us when we were building it, probably only £500 extra for the paint”.

        I love watching them about to cry as I stroll nonchalantly out the door.

  9. Another one for my list of ‘never, ever watched the shite, .. just have an awareness of it.

    David O’Doherty had some standup about the fierce competition to get your narcissism accepted for the show, and his endeavors to climb to the top of the waiting list of cunts vying to out-outdo each other to say to the world ‘look at ME’ …..

    When his submitted plans for a Windmill in a Volcano were ignored, he threw in the towel though.

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  10. I like escape to the country.

    I just don’t like the people buying.
    Or the presenters.
    Or the theme music.

    They move from a bedsit in London and want a 4 bedroom house, with a massive kitchen,
    20 acres of land for alpacas.

    Then decline the property because the wallpaper in the attic is the wrong colour.

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    • Escape to the Cuntry: The music is sub-Elgarian, or sub-Delian, it’s cheap copyright free shit that underlines how cheap the production is. Like you, I loathe the pretentious bastards who go on about “a property” and “the land” they want. I always remember one 75 year old cunt who looked half dead, who wanted “at least” a four acre garden. I bet his shrew of a wife was making sure the life insurance premiums were up to date (she was considerably younger)

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  11. I would like to be a guest on escape to the country.

    When asked what my first impression of the property
    I’d draw a deep breath and reply

    ” Stinks of shite round here doesn’t it?”

    I’d also ask Asian presenter Sonali Shah if she’d mind waiting outside?
    Just in case we bought the property.

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  12. Is it on Channel 4?

    I made a note some time ago never to watch anything they broadcast,apart from The Simpsons.

    All these television programmes made for Home County inbred cunts with bags of cash from fuck knows where?

    Build a big concrete Oven preferably with foreign slave labour,and ram the vegan cunts in it head first.

    That’s a grand design,now Fuck Off.

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  13. I must admit that I’ve only got the vaguest ideas about this. I assume that ‘Grand Designs’ is on the box, and that it’s cheap as chips filler like ‘Homes Under the Hammer’and other shit of that ilk?

    Sounds like a load of cunt.

    Morning all.

    Reply ↓

    • Mornin Ron, everyone.

      You have it correct Ron. If you watch the date roll up at the end of these programmes they are even cheaper than is apparent. Some of them are literally decades old and the only cost in broadcasting them is the electricity for the transmitter.

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  14. They never did broadcast that episode from Northumberland with the neighbouring local landowner threatening the Kevin McCloud and the crew with a shotgun after being filmed writing ‘fuck off incomers’ on the new artisan picture window at three in the morning.

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    • LL@

      Fiddler hated newcomers with a passion didn’t he?😁

      That story he told about turning off the water supply to that woman’s house?
      Hehehe 😂

      Brilliant.
      Doubt he’d suffer Kevin mcCloud and Jocasta and Toby tagging along as potential neighbours.

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      • Yes he did Mis, I reckon your family would have to have lived there since the 19th century to be considered a local.

  15. I’ve said this before.I don’t trust people with Scottish names that talk with an English accent, something very wrong, Soviet sleeper agents, vengeful Nazis or ill educated space lizards? Except our most dear late Queen Empress Bess, Opa Dolphy hated her, so she must of been a good ‘un.

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  21. All I want to see built are more prisons, with none of this catering for holiday makers. Back to the old slopping out and no tv.

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    • To digress, I’m glad Ming the Merciless is finally kick up the arse with a 1950s football boot. The cunt. All we need now is a chuck all the black bastards out and I might start watching them again.

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  22. I’ve seen bits of Grand Designs. The wife used to like watching it, for reasons that now escape me.

    The programme is not entirely without merit though: it helped me fully appreciate the comparatively modest, traditional abodes we’ve had the privilege to live in over the years.

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    • Yes, most of these programmes follow a pattern. Some fella wants to build a house, and he’s got his plans and his budget and his time frame, and not ten minutes in, everything’s turned to shit. Something is found not to be the right size and has to be ripped out and a new one ordered, which will put the job back six months and add £10,000 to the bill. The poor bugger has to move out of his rented bungalow and live in a dilapidated caravan, while his wife begs money off her elderly parents. And every cock-up is the result of some cunt not doing their job properly.
      It’s said that the standard of building in this country is way below what it is on the continent. When I win the lottery I’ll be importing architects and builders to put my new place together.

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  23. I have an eco-house near me that was on grand designs. The owners had to drop the price by a 6 figure sum when they decided to leave the monstrosity.
    Walked pass with the hounds yesterday, having a new eco fucking roof on it…..
    What a bummer.

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  24. Only one of the Grand designs houses ever impressed me.

    The one with the German Hufhaus.

    takes 6 days to sling the panels up and have it weather tight.

    That is impressive.

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    • Yep, that was a good one. Even though British incompetence, blundering and nit-picking was determined to scupper the whole build, the Germans took it in their stride and got the thing up on time and all the bits perfectly interlocking.
      Wunderbar!

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      • Is that the one where all the box heads were waiting to get on with it and the dopey cunt of a crane driver rocked up late. ?

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