“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s travel correspondent Ron Knee bringing you first news of an incredible new holiday destination for 2025.
Are you feeling a bit jaded by your familiar jetset holiday round of Monte Carlo, Saint Moritz and Antigua? Tired of bumping into the Waleses and the Clooneys, and the other same old faces?
Well I’m here to bring you news of the new ultra cool, ultra chic destination for 2025. Say ‘hi!’ to the glittering sophistication of Majeon Beach, North Korea, the former missile testing site that has been utterly transformed into one of the world’s most glamorous playgrounds.
Majeon (that’s Korean for ‘New Benidorm’, by the way) is the utterly exclusive 10 star resort* that has recently been blessed by a visit from none other than the Dear Leader Kim Jong Wrong-un himself, whose portrait graces every room in the place.
This playground of the mega rich and famous has everything you’d expect. Luxurious accommodation; rooms have an indoor toilet (with one toilet roll provided per visit) and electricity and running water for no less than two hours every day. Only the finest cuisine is offered, featuring local delicacies such as seaweed and sawdust porridge and desiccated locust, washed down by vintage North Korean wines, certified to have matured and aged for a least three weeks. Also featured are a three hole mini golf, a paddling pool, and twice weekly bingo sessions.
The beach is of the finest soft sand, and female visitors will be allowed to frolic in bikinis, a pleasure denied to local women. In fact, you can rest assured that you won’t be troubled at all by bothersome locals, as they aren’t allowed near the place. Should you become tired of lounging on your sunbed, a variety of exciting excursions await, such as a visit to a chicken manure processing plant or a guided tour of a salt mine. You may even be given the opportunity to participate in the time-honoured North Korean tradition of floating shit-laden balloons across the demilitarised zone into South Korea**, or viewing the execution of disgraced officials***.
Indeed Majeon Beach is so exclusive that so far it has only been visited by a select group of Russians, in recognition of the accord shared between two of the world’s great leaders. But the good news is that the NK International Travel Company is now considering the acceptance of a limited number of visitor registrations from Westerners. So if you want to be among the first to visit this world class facility, my advice is to get in fast.
One cautionary note. It’s believed that initially at least, only one-way tickets will be available for purchase, with punters only able to buy a return ticket at an incredibly extortionate price once in the country. Therefore be prepared to pack large amounts of Yankee greenbacks, Swiss francs, uncut diamonds and gold sovereigns in your case****.
This is Ron Knee for IsAC, wishing you ‘bon voyage!’ and returning you to the studio”.
*official rating, North Korean State Bureau of Classification
**subject to prevailing wind conditions
***sentences may be commuted to public flogging and humiliation
****visitors should be aware that a hefty bribe will also be payable to administrators
Nominated by Ron Knee.
Went last year. Better than Magaluf.
15
How the fuck did you get it CC?
Or more to the point, how did you get out again?
12
‘get in’ ffs
Sausage fingers
5
Got the plane to Palma and followed the spew. Same to get out.
9
Well, it sounds really special to me, I mean, all that luxury and a visit to a chicken manure processing plant!
It sound so, what’s the word I’m looking for?
Exciting? Enticing?
Oh, I know.
Shite!
12
What I found most amusing about this story is that when Kim Jon Wrong-Un came up with the idea, he decided to send a ‘fact-finding’ mission abroad to see how it was done. Naturally one assumes that any of those chosen to take part would have been told not to make a run for it, or their relatives would be blown out of a cannon.
So which of the world’s glittering fleshpots was chosen for their research? Las Vegas, the French Riviera, the Bahamas…?
You got it; it really was Benidorm. That’s the way to do it.
19
He’s not very bright, is he Ron?
13
Indeed not JP, but to paraphrase Blackadder, he must be as cunning as a fox with a degree in cunning from Oxford University to have maintained such an iron grip on the country for so long.
The fat cunt makes Stalin look like a pansy.
14
Now all we have to do is convince all the influencers that this is the most unphotographed place for Instagram selfies and then wave the cunts off at Heathrow.
The collective IQ of the UK will go up a couple of percent overnight.
21
The word’s already out Odin.
Apparently Posh Spicehead is planning a photoshoot there to launch her new limited edition range ‘Beloved Leader Boiler Suit Collection’.
Katie Price is willing to forego her usual beach and pool haunts in Thailand and Turkey if she can get an entry permit and ‘The Daily Scar’ will pay her for some photos of her enormous tits floating in the sea.
15
In all honesty, Ron. I would prefer to see Katie Price’s tits floating out to sea
8
Easy pass.Kim Jong Fat Un can shove his “New Benidorm” up his arse.
11
There’s room for it EW
9
True Ron
8
After watching the You Fool clip, I would advise anyone intending to visit to take a couple of housebricks or similar with you.
You’ll need them to stop you being blown 10 miles off-shore by the wind!
6
He’s got that unmistakable gait of the morbidly obese – arms out at the sides and waddling like a duck. So just like most visitors to Benidump.
We never see him dressed for the beach in his Speedos though, do we?
More’s the pity.
11
Fucking Fatboy Kim.
Stories abound of his liking for teenage schoolgirls. Image being forced to provide a good service to a slob like that.
14
K Slop.
6
For obvious reason Geordie, Dear Leader couldn’t go to the beach in his budgie smugglers because the entire female population of NK would have a meltdown. They’d be frothing like bottled Bass.
You’ve seen the mess a snail makes?
Can you imagine a few million North Korean birds all strumming away and creaming themselves simultaneously at the sight of Dear Leader’s well fed physique.
It would be like a tsunami of gash gush flooding the entire country.
11
‘Frothing like bottled Bass’.
Brilliant.
The wife’s got a good one as well. Imagine if you will a Scot putting on a Yorkshire accent; ‘… by ‘eck lad, ah’m frothin’ like a beck in a storm’. She knows I love it.
12
I wonder if there is a
끈적끈적한 비키
at the Korean benidorm…?
10
Go on then ZM, I’ll bite.
10
Korean translation of:
“Sticky Vicky”…!
8
Or,
kkeunkkeunhan biki…!
6
Sticky Vicky; a cultural icon. There’s nothing that girl couldn’t do with a table tennis ball.
New Benidorm won’t be New Benidorm unless they can at least get a tribute act.
8
Her daughter is following the family tradition I believe.
The New Sticky Vicky.
4
Indeed Artful.
I understand that among her other on stage achievements, she opens a bottle of beer with her minky.
It’s a sight that I hope to see before I die.
5
I wonder if they will have some of those seaside face in the hole boards? Maybe one of a North Korean peasant or a DPRK soldier?
5
Imagine the scene..
“waiter,there’s a fly in my soup”
“oh you cheeky cunt,I get manager”..
next news it’s all arranged for your comfort and convenience that your holiday ends in a quarry with you facing an anti aircraft gun.
Velly Solly..you Western decadent Cunt.
Anyhow I’ve booked for me and the Mrs..Spains too hot and everywhere else is full of apes.
13
‘You got fry in soup? You velly rucky!’.
11
Hey UT,
What have you got against apes…(pavement or otherwise)?
I understand parts of the UK are filled with them and by the end of the decade the whole of the UK will be declared a wildlife preserve.
11
Well General let me see..
rampant drug crime,knife crime,chip on shoulder crime,BLM crime,phone crime,shoplifting,general genetic crime..
oh and Chiggun.
oh and Abbott and Lammy as examples of the higher echelon thieving cunts.
Highly recommended Oven.
Stay well sir.
10
Hey UT,
Well yeah, there is all that…
Abbot and Lammy should be hanged but the gallows wouldn’t support both of them at the same time.
You be well also.
And keep the home fires/ovens burning.
MAGA
Reform
6
The perfect destination for Kim Wrong Un’s chum over here, Kweer himself! Make that one way tickets, so he can take his cabinet with him, & he can cough up for the cost.
5
I agree Lord Sct,
This sounds like the perfect socialist Utopia for Kweir to go when he retires.
The sooner the better…
…and take fucking Big Sammy Lammy with you…
…and Copper Balls…
…and the rest of your Brave New Multicultural Green One Worlders.
MAGA
Reform
10
I like it, empty beach, no fucking kid loaded tourists, the staff had better make sure they are on the ball of they would off the frontline in Ukraine.
Put on my I love Kim t-shirt and the cunts would be kissing your feet (on pain of death).
7
It certainly looks idealic. Empty of rubbish too, unlike the beaches down on the S.E. coast, strewn with litter including illegal immigrants.
5
Walking on the beeches
Looking at the peaches 🍑
I’ve never been the old Benidorm never mind the new one!
Sounds great,
All the Labrador you can eat
Spied on by agents of chairman Kim,
And surrounded by little yellow bucktooth squints.
Get it Thomas cooked 👍
9
Good for a stag weekend.
All North Korea’s premier tribute acts, Lorring Stones, Bluce Springsteen (just for you Mis) and Ervis Plesrey.
6
I’ve decided to not book this year.
Decided it’s Cambodia again…
https://youtu.be/rrtsVe6M4Zs?si=dVqHzxpzg9r4GXp9
4
First class choice Mis
Excellent holiday song along with holiday in the sun. Both great for relaxing upon the sun loungers
3
Benidorm’s great Mis.
It’s full of bars where emaciated pasty-faced cunts in Rangers shirts indulge in round the clock drinking. And Fat Slags lookalikes totter from shop to shop looking for cheap jewellry.
I know this because my friends who used to live near Alicante once took me there; an experience, I hope, never to be repeated.
14
Doubt it’s a experience I’d enjoy Ron to be honest.
I’m quite sophisticated in my tastes.
I like fine foods fresh from a Chippy,
And holiday in places you need a warm jumper.
9
Thurso’s the place for you then Mis.
The temperature hardly ever gets above 13 degrees, but there are some fucking great chip shops.
All the women resemble Eskimos if you’re inclined towards a bit of blubber on a gel.
6
I am!
I’ll definitely visit.
Love Scotland and it’s various monsters 😁
4
There are some gorgeous women in Scotland. I’m happy to say I married one.
Unfortunately, there are also quite a few absolute hounds;
nicola sturgeon police scotland
Poor Nick Nick. The years aren’t being kind to her.
4
Right, well if that fatberg¹ can do it, then so can I.
Come, one and all, visit my native land …
I have a compact (but bijou) native hut in which you can stay and you may visit my waterhole and drink deep of it`s aromatic juices until you have had quenched your thirst. Within reason.
🛖🌵
© Bongaloid Tours Ltd.*
* No refunds. Time-wasters will be refused entry.
¹ 95% of his body-weight is beneath ground level.
9
Hey Sam,
Native land? Native hut? Water hole?
So you’re from the West Midlands then? Or would it be Norfolk?
Don’t tell me it’s Burnley?
Bongaloid?
8
Keep up, General.
💊
4
Hey Mme Beau,
I’ll try to do better next time.
The word bijou should have been a clue.
So you’re from France…
5
The West Midlands is great. We’re multicultural and effnick. It’s a great laid back scene; land of a thousand languages and all that.
Home to your National Poet Willy S. Home to Mitchells and Butlers, the Gas St Basin, Warwick Castle, Jasper Carrott, Cadbury World, the world famous CBSO, and of course the legendary Aston Villa FC.
Who needs a shithouse like London or New York when you’ve got colourful and exotic locations West Brom, Tipton, Walsall and Dudley? And if you hanker for something really edgy and with more than just a delicious hint of danger, you can always venture onto the Tilton at St Andrews (health insurance strongly advised). The world’s at your feet here. We’ve got it all.
8
Hey Ron,
When civilization is collapsing, I guess the world would be at your feet.
A wee bit of Shitholia right there in the heartland of Britain.
6
Indeed General.
Here’s a real bit of Shitholia for you. Alum Rock in Birmingham, where I was born;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7du10fCXfBI
It used to be in England in those days…
5
Kim Is propped by the good old, theatre as it were, to put manners on the region.
Japan has to go along with everything the dollar says.
Its all bollocks but he is in power by the consent of cunt forces who need an extra large sized stool that can shite all over the place.
Heed be toppled in the morning if it suited interests.
Dangerous cunts are all coalescing.
I was in Magaluf in 1980 even then it was going downhill even then.
Meloney Meloney Meloney, was Pedros cry on the beach to make a few Pesetas.
5
In defence of North Korea, their tea is exquisite
5
So are their traffic ladies. Mmmmm…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLQ3lFhckLg
The wife; ‘Can’t you think of anything else other than fanny?’
Me; ‘A man’s got to have a hobby dear’
The wife; ‘My mother was right about you. I should have taken you to the vet to be sorted years ago’
10
PS they do it all for their Beloved Leader of course, who spends his every waking moment thinking about furthering the happiness and welfare of his people. When he’s not stuffing his fat face and fingering schoolgirls that is.
10
That baldy cunt tour operator at the end doesn’t look like he has a few stiffs in his freezer foe a hobby much, does he ?
0
German shepherds pie with collie flower and jack Russell sprouts
Labranoodles
Pup tarts
Wag bol
Fine dining at the North Korean seaside
7
And, of course, NotPoodles.
🍜
5
They send their kamikaze calamari overseas.
Gordon will be over to show em, naturally for a few squids of course
Kims Kitchen raw nightmare will be an international hit across the sushi seas.
Stay tuna ed
2
NotPoodles.
Awesome.
4
Notice bitter Irishman Eamonn Holmes is starting to look a bit Korean?
He’s transitioning.
He’s been beastly to that nice Philip Schofield,
Maybe Phil’s put a fairy curse on him.
4
Benidorm is probably a good place for the North Koreans to see tourism as they want it to work.
Benidorm is split into the New Town (Levante) and the Old Town (Poniente).
The English píkéys stick to the New Town.
That is where the scum congregate.
Like Blackpool, only hotter.
The Old Town is a mystery to the English holidaymakers.
You might hear people actually speaking Spanish there and that is just outrageous.
There are also authentic Tapas bars serving all sorts of foreign muck.
So if the North Koreans want thousands of tourists that spend fortunes on beer and fish and chips without wanting to venture into forbidden areas, Benidorm is the benchmark.
4
To be fair Benidorm old town is alright. The riff-raff don’t tend to go there.
I doubt that the Fat Leader’s fact-finding team made it that far either.
4
So me and the lads had my stag do in Majeon Beach, we had a right good time up until the point Megsy pulled a picture of some squinty eyed slope off the wall and pissed on it.
We all got 5 years hard labour before being allowed to leave, apart from Megsy who’s now fertiliser apparently.
Course by the time I got home the wife to be had dropped 3 chocolate babies and become the MP for Basildon.
How we laughed……
Tell ya something,, Majeon Beach is really ready for us Brits.
4
I think there’s femidom as well where all the lezzers hang out?
6
Probably sent a few on fact finding missions who defected.
Benidorm probably has a Korean Quarter by now!
Full of easily startled stuttering ex dogeaters.
3
They’ll survive Mis, the Koreans that is, not sure about everyone else that visits though, including the local wildlife and pets.
Exotic dishes presented that the tourist wokes will not be able to resist whilst on holiday,
I
The dogs bollocks marinaded secret Korean sauce, conveniently not mentioned on the vegans menu, is a favourite by all accounts.
” Its so salty and the nuts are exquisite ‘ mutters the table of bulimic fkn head cases.
Straight onto social media reviewing with photos while eating and sipping the tastiest meal they had since their schooldays.
3
Looked like a nice unspoilt place until they put all those Badaduf tower blocks all over it.
3
In Spanish Benidorm means
‘hell by the sea”.
This gringo isn’t setting foot there or in the rice version run by fat Kim.
3
Cant be any worst than that cuntful place Dubai. Only need to give some footballers a free house and it will be next on instacunt
3
Sure its proper lush
0