Mrs. Yank and I like to eat out occasionally. It’s often a mine field because many establishments cannot be fucking bothered to actually disclose what is in, on or to the side of their menu items.

Certain allergies aside, there are some things we just don’t like and will not eat. Let’s consider some examples.

Pizza (*).
The takeout variety is usually safe, but dine in Italian eateries are very fond of sprinkling parmesan cheese on everything. Parmesan cheese smells like vomit (be honest) and probably tastes similar. As such it will not pass my lips. Do they mention this crap on their menu or give you the choice of not having vomit sprinkled on your food? Nope.

Tex Mex.
We like queso which is sometimes described as a “3 cheese dip”. That’s great, but which 3 cheeses, FFS? In a Tex Mex place, it’s unlikely to include parmesan, but gouda is equally as revolting and needs to be banned. If ordered, it can sometimes show up as queso blanco which is not the same thing. Plus it might have other nasties in it (e.g. onion) which Mrs. Yank can’t touch. Were any of these surprises mentioned on the menu? Nope.

Burgers.
Yanks are in the habit of adding all manner of diabolical shite to burgers. It’s a known fact (recognised by international law) that mayonnaise comes from the devil’s arse crack having been fermented in herpes rich untreated sewage. If you add depleted uranium to it, you get salad cream (true story). Anyway, not everyone in the world likes mayonnaise and yet there is it on your burger, completely unmentioned on the menu. Another common practice is to serve a burger and fries with a fucking pickle (gerkin) on the plate. Pickles are of unknown origin, but are believed to be the decaying genitals of ancient civilisations from across the galaxy which somehow enter the Earth’s atmosphere and land on people’s plates at dinner time. Complete with some vinegar infused juice, probably some ancient lube used for ancient bumming. Does the menu mention the dangers of pickle and lube juice co-habiting your plate? Nope.

After the surprise and the resultant complaint, some dishes can be re-made. But then you’ve got awkwardness, the delay factor and possible ‘tude from your server. Other dishes can have the offending item(s) taken off and the plate of food returned to you. The problem here is, if your food were on the same plate as a dog turd, would taking the dog turd off the plate still make the food edible? I think not.

Sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle if you have to clarify or have removed 3 or more things. You know they’ll forget and get it wrong, so you might as well eat somewhere else. Home for example.

(*) I’ve spent a lot of time in Italy and what passes for pizza in the UK/US contravenes the trades description act. If you know, you know.

Nominated by Imitation Yank.