Hot Weather Warnings

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“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s climate correspondent Ron Knee reporting to you from the roof of IsAC House, where the temperature is a scorching 20 degrees. I’m joined by IsAC’s weather girl Janice Tittyss, who has a special message to pass on to you all. Welcome Janice, and may I say that you’ve got a splendid warm front on display today”.

*Giggle, slaps arm* “Oh you are a cheeky boy! Yes, I have a special message and some tips to pass on. It could be particularly hot over the next few days as a couple of high pressure points appear, so everyone should take particular care. Keep your house cool by closing your curtains. When you go outside, cover up, wear a high factor sun screen and look for shade. Drink plenty of water throughout the day”.

“Mmm… well intended advice I’m sure my dear, but a bit nannying, don’t you think?. I mean, anyone with a grain of sense knows to do these things anyway. Anybody with no sense won’t pay attention no matter how often they’re told. A bit of a pointless waste of time in effect”.

“I know Ron, but it’s all part of the job. Keeps me in those tight tops and miniskirts you admire so much *snigger* “.

“True my dear, very true. I’m sure that our followers will take your points to heart. And speaking on that subject, I suggest that we retire to the basement, where I can examine those high pressure points of yours at my leisure…”.

“Oh you are a one *giggle* “. Mumsy made me promise always to be good. Am I?”.

“Certainly my dear *lecherous sneer* you’re always very good indeed. Erm, this is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you very quickly to the studio”.

express

Nominated by Ron Knee.

53 thoughts on “Hot Weather Warnings”

  2. Mr Knee – you write satirical comedy pieces which are far superior to anything on modern day telly.

    Good morning.

  3. If its true, Ron, fat cunts will have to spend a long time in their fridge fully clothed with a respirator, only staring at food they can’t eat ?

  4. Fat fucking chance of any hot weather (and their concomitant warnings) this summer in Khanland (used to be called London). This is a worse summer than 2023, and all those people who think August will be better – well, over the past decade August has been worse than June and July, and not as good as September.

    Why the fuck didn’t I leave this tight little island fifty years ago?

  5. All the yummy mummys are wearing artic coats and bobble hats,it’s a fucking disgrace..no bouncy fun on show at all.

    If this is “global boiling” or some sort of “emergency” then Fuck Off you gay cunts.

    There been a decent summer since Brexit you know..etc.

    Good morning.

    • What I know for certain Unkle Terry, that there’s a mischievous ghost who fucks up our replies once we’ve checked and doubled checked before sending and by magic we are left bemused.

  7. We are melting here. 16 degrees. You could fry an egg using just our hob. This has to be the hottest Saturday morning on record. Literally.

    Good morning, everyone.

  8. I’ve scald my arse by sitting on the lit gas ring instead of the toilet, due to the Sun playing havoc with my brain. Now I’m having to eat my turds for brunch. At least they look like sausages.

  9. It’s just been over cast here for weeks and I don’t think the temperature has even reached the dizzying heights of 20 degrees C. I’m sure in October when all of the temperature measurements have been tabulated, we’ll be told that this was the hottest summer on record.

  10. Why are they calling 31 degrees a scorcher? I remember back in the mid 90’s, parts of the country would reach between 34 and 36 degrees and yet some how we managed to make it through unscathed.

  11. You can tell it’s been a shite summer.

    Not once have I sweated like a peaceful in an all girls primary school this year.

    Not once.

      • From the link;
        ‘The eat fried breakfasts all day..’

        hahahahaha!

        Talk about an own goal.

    • Me neither, and I suffer from Hyperhidrosis at the best of times. The last 2 summers I couldn’t be outside for more than 5 minutes without looking like I’d just been in the shower… shit…. even sitting down doing nothing I’d be drenched in sweat.

      This is not a summer; this is like a mild spring at best.

      • I suffer from that too, I fucking hate summer, and spring. Often autumn too. Sometimes winter can fuck off as well.

  13. Everything is scary, pay your global warming tax and shut up.

    Talking about hot things a fire engine passes me this morning, in pride livery, “Fire doesn’t discriminate, neither do we!”

    Oven

    • Post Grenfell fallout. Poor cunts were called racist for trying to save lives. What a thankless job.

      • Don’t try then, you’re no worse off but a bunch of cunts get BBQd so a win for the rest of us.

  14. I blame Greta Mongberg.

    Perhaps if we burned her at the stake as a sacrificial offering, things might improve.

    • Cant say it’s anything that terrible. Chris Morris used to do satirical radio shows back in the late eighties.
      I quite like The Skewer mashing Boris talking about Covid 19 with Paul Hardcastle’s ’19’.

  16. It’s so hot here in the wilderness that the heating came on last night. This climate change stuff must be true we’re on the way to an ice age. Our current shite weather is in fact due to the jet stream being much further south than is good for us weather wise. I read that it has been very hot in Mecca during the pilgrimage lucky bastards oil by the tanker full and sunshine. No wonder half the people in this country are on anti depressants or having talking therapy. Just keep up your vitamin D intake fellow cunters as the Sun ain’t doing it any more.

  17. I don’t remember enjoying a summer as much as this one.

    Comfortably temperate, lovely grey and purple thunderhead clouds like a battered wives face,
    Glum faces on the allotment

    “This sweetcorn is struggling and the cabbages too”

    The Aztec sun worshipper next door looks sad☹️
    Her leathery face creased with grief like a depressed iguana.

    This cheers me up immensely!
    I’m happy in my unchanging uniform of shorts and wellies and t-shirt ,
    A whistle plays about my lips
    And a cheeky grin

    “Soon be Christmas!

    I greet everyone.

    BBQs cancelled for the immediate future
    Try the Jay Slater package tour of Tenerife.

    • I was amazed yesterday to see our neighbour across the way light up an instant bbq outside,and then take it into his kitchen!

  18. I was amazed yesterday to see our neighbour across the way light up an instant bbq outside,and then take it into his kitchen!

  19. Absolute shower of bollocks, probably thought up by some office bound pansy.Bet the boys at Sheffield Forge Masters are having the day off cos its going to be so hot outside. Fucking pansies want to stand in front of a coke forge all day turning out horseshoes, no air conditioning just the movement of your hammer making the air move. Country is full to bursting with crybabies and nancy boys.

  20. There was an interesting weather graphic from ten years back compared to a modern one from this year.

    It showed the interior of Spain at a quite warm 40 degrees ten years ago, coloured orange.

    The same map today shows the same area four degrees cooler, but now coloured black.

    Fear mongering at its finest.

    • I only ssid that to my dad the other day. the maps of Britain used to be yellow up to about 25°, 28° might be orange and you eould only see red areas around London and the interior counties in the south-east were you might get 32-33° and for a couple of days a year. The Met Office seems to hsve shifted the spectrum towards deeper reds in the last few years.

      • It’s very subtle mind control,isn’t it?

        It’s getting hotter, you know, there’s a climate crisis *nudge nudge*

      • I ignore the colours because I recognise numbers, the weather cunts clearly haven’t thought of that.

      • Next thing they’ll switch to the Kelvin scale for the numbers .. (add 273 to celcius), so for example 35 today will be 308° in lieu.

        Get the crisis-monger cunts creaming their kecks for a while..

  21. Thunder and lightning here. Hopefully it will take off some of the sweltering 20° heat.

  22. This sounds like Laura Tobin and her warnings of climate doom.
    I wish she would sit on my face then fuck off.

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