Burns night

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On this auspicious day of days what better way to celebrate than to recall Burns’ great work, the Address to a Haggis :

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace
As lang’s my arm.

Ye Pow’rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o’ fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware,
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

Or for those you English cunts, a translation to the King’s English…

I say old chap
You’re a jolly nice pudding
Just look at all these nice ingredients
Bits of stomach lung and Christ knows what
What can I say that’s worthy
Of crap like this

Why in God’s holy name
Would anyone serve up such offal fare
Scots say they want no sloppy watery stuff
And yet they all eat porridge
So if the wife says slip her one
Slap her with a haggis!

Translated from the heathen tongue by the honorable Dioclese

83 thoughts on “Burns night”

  3. I don’t know if anyone, other than a Scot, has eaten this stuff, but there’s a good reason why it’s served with whisky, and lots of it, on Burns night.

    • Actually, I’m being unfair to haggis.
      There’s that much out meal in it, it’s basically meat-flavoured porridge in a bag, and really rather bland.

      Still, I put a good dollop of Hendos on it and managed to choke it down.

      • I usually like haggis but the last one I had, a few years ago, was so salty it’s rather put me off.

      • I’ve had it before. Can’t really say it was anything special.

        I prefer those scotch steak pies with the thick crust and plenty of gravy.

        The Iron Bru of my childhood has been ruined since they changed the recipe. I think it had something to do with the sugar tax which let’s be honest nobody who drinks Iron Bru gives a shite about obesity…..especially not a country that deep fries confectionary FFS!

      • Also just remembered.

        At school there was a ginger kid who earned the nickname scotch because he had his hair cut short – grade 1 or grade 2 all over and from the back his head resembled a scotch egg.

        How we laughed.

    • Haggis and neeps, done properly, is a gourmet delight.

      Most haters have never even tried it.

      I’m not Scottish, by the way.

  4. We went to a pub in Kew (The Greyhound) one Burns night, they had some bloke in a kilt reciting this gibberish followed by a haggis.
    On a bed of fucking rocket, no neeps, no tatties, rocket.
    Hardly anybody tried some.
    You know when you’re in Upper Middle Class territory

  8. I was with a Scottish customer recently.
    He told me that he had over a dozen people at his house for Christmas dinner.

    He deep fried an entire turkey.

    He told me that when the turkey is first put in the boiling oil it seals and remains moist to eat.

    This type of shit, along with haggis and porridge is what the ginger cunts eat.

    No wonder that they die young.

    Burns was a cunt.
    Scribbling gibberish, but still a national hero.

    I wonder if England will eventually have a Steven Lawrence Night.
    Buckets of fried chicken paraded to the table accompanied by rap music.

    • Americans do that, don’t they, Art?

      Deep fry turkeys, but usually outside and we’ll away from any buildings, vehicles or people.

      • I have never heard of anyone doing it until I chatted to that ginger twat.

        I think that if Americans did it they would brag….. Loudly.
        But who knows?

        Yes, he said that he cooked the turkey outside in a specially made pot, probably only available in Scotland and possibly the USA.

        Americans are fat cunts.

      • I’ve seen Youfool clips of this being done. Sometimes they spatchcock the thing and barbeque it.

        Weird. BBQ turkey? Yuck.

      • Many Americans do indeed deep fry Turkeys, usually for Thanksgiving. However, we don’t brag about it. We leave that to the Jocks.

        After all, what else do they have to brag about?

      • Is it true, though, that deep fried turkey is moist and tender?

        Because, in my experience, it’s dry, tasteless and the dark meat is so stringy, it’s like chewing a deconstructed golf ball.

        I much prefer duck.

      • Hey Jeezum,

        I’ve never had deep fried turkey so I can’t comment but I’ve heard that as well.

        My family’s tradition for both Thanksgiving and Christmas was oven roasted with stuffing.

        I’m a fan of duck as well.

  9. Great Chieftain of the puddin race?

    I like that!!!👍
    I’m nicking it.

    I like the porridge wøgs.
    Great people.

    Ginger minges, shortbread, gibberish, fried chocolate bars,
    And headbutting.

      • Alcohol and the Scots eh, Tom. In 1976 I spent a short time working in Livingston. One lunchtime I went to the pub with a few locals. One lad who I know was just 17 was first to the bar and I was next. When I returned to the table he was sitting with an empty pint pot in front of him. For a moment I genuinely thought he had knocked the glass over but then he went and got his next pint and that also went down in seconds. A GP up there told me that amongst his patients the concensus was that you only had a drink problem if you were drinking two bottles of whisky a day.

        Oh and all their economic problems were down to the English and their attitude to women was positively medieval.

      • I worked at Longannet power station mid 80s earnt fuck all because the hotel bar never closed, happy days with very welcoming ginger twats(men and women)

  11. The Rabbi Burns, sounds a bit anti-semitc. ‘Donald, Where’s your Troosers?’, sounds a bit gay. Are we sure we should be doing this?

    Seriously, a great excuse to neck half a bottle of J W Black Label. I know, I have had to cut down in my old age.

  12. For years I thought Burns night was something to do with Simon Weston.
    But no, rather than some war hero deserving of such attention, it’s some jock who wrote like he was pissed, which he problems was.
    Still better than the endless line of whining scouse ‘poets’ we’ve had to endure perhaps.

  14. I think Robbie burns was the only white person not named in Humza useless racist rambling speech.

  16. On holiday a few years back , golfing in Spain, one of the lads was a big Scot and suggested we go to wait for it “ the scotch bar” for a burns supper. Fuck me for £25 all we got was a plate full and in mean full of mash and fucking haggis. Oh and a cunt reading poetry. Good piss up but shit snap. Could have a a fucking steak 🥩 for less. Still at least in wasn’t deep fried.

  17. Slightly OT, but I saw a photo of wee Nicki Krankie recently, she looks like she’s eaten more than her fair share of deep-fried Mars bars.
    Either that, or her corset was stuffed with £667k.

  18. I like Scotland a lot.

    Very good strong ale,the best whisky in the world and haggis is nice on a fry up.

    Plus the tramps are in the Champions League of Mentalism.

    However,poetry is shit.

    • I’m very fond of Scotland, and have spent many a happy holiday there, either touring down one of the coastlines, or based near Inverness where I have relatives.
      I wouldn’t give you tuppence a bucket full for haggis, it’s truly dreadful, but the venison is outstanding.
      Instead of haggis, try the black or red pudding, best at breakfast, with fried eggs, beans, bacon and toast.

    • The Highlands and such are also some of the most naturally beautiful places on Earth.

      As long as you don’t bump into a poet.

  20. I had one last weekend, macsweens, i have one every year not to celebrate burns night, i just like them with mashed swede and carrott, mashed spuds all cooked by my fair maid, washed down with korev. Wonder if they do one battered, deep fried and stuffed with a mars bar. Asking for a friend.

    • Very probably, but only in Glasgow.

      Do not go to Glasgow if you value your life. Even Sauchiehaul Street in broad daylight isn’t safe.

  21. Alex Salmond has a night job working in the haggis factory. He personally spunks in one haggis per night.

  22. And now, I’m going to address the issue of the header, purporting to be a picture of a wild haggis.

    This is a blatant fake! Everyone knows that the haggis lives in the Highlands, which are rather hilly, indeed mountainous, in areas.

    The haggis lives exclusively in burrows on steep hill/mountainside. In order to graze on heather on such steep terrain, it has adapted, and one set of front/rear legs is shorter than those on the other side.

    There are two distinct species of haggis, right-footers and left-footers. However, they rarely quarrel, but exchange grunts as they pass each other clock, or anti-clockwise.

    The purported haggis in the header has even legs, ergo, it’s a fake!

  23. Aye you English bastards ye…..the auld enemy.

    Bless the Scottish, a hardy people prepared to live in part of the country no one else was prepared to live in, not even Scousers!

    Not only do they invent creatures such as the Loch Ness monster, they’ll invent a creature and then fucking eat it!

    Who else would look at Northern Ireland and model their culture on it?

    It can’t be ignored that when it comes to creative people that Scotland punches well above its weight. Junk food is meant to lower the intellect but these fuckers are raised on battered mars bars and buckfast…….

    • Ah! Buckfast, the blessed elixer, to a rapid old life with added kidney failure!

      Yes, we English bastards envy you!

      Your just jealous, because we have a Margot of Margate and all you have is the scavvy, Rabbie Burns.

      Ha!

    • Good evening, Jack.

      Nice to have one that doesn’t involve tree branches battering ones windows.

    • Alright Jack?
      You winning?

      Ever get up into the Highlands with Ethel in the campervan?

      They’ll think your leader of the SNP if you’ve a campervan 😁

      My dad , uncle and cousin go up past fort William, stay at a cabin and go eagle watching once in a while.

      I’m always fuckin working when they go☹️

      Today I’ve been working in the beautifully named Winkle.

      • Ps

        Nice to see Fiddler and Fanny at home beside the fire.

        I miss that cunt!

      • Evening MNC.

        Yes, winning.

        Been busy servicing machines, ready for the start back to work, in six weeks or so.

        Ethel wants me to retire completely this year, but it’s not happening. I ‘aint ready.

        She’s been bending my ear. Nag, nag, nag.

        On and on and on.

        It’s been driving me to increasingly bizarre and outlandish behaviour…….

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_epStsDeIdc

        Me and Ethel have been to Scotland a few times, in the van. Went into a pub in Fort William, it was below ground and still had an old well in the bar, which was covered in perspex.

        We had one holiday on Skye and a couple in the Outer Hebrides. You’d love it there, the scenery is amazing, as is the wildlife. Deer, eagles, otters, harriers and loads of other stuff

        The other attraction is, you can go for hours without seeing anyone.

        We had our previous collie at the time, she absolutely loved it.

        It’s a lot of driving, but it’s actually pleasurable. The further north you go, the less traffic there is.

        Is Winkle a large place ? :o)

      • Winkle is in Macclesfield, kind of,
        Up where it becomes the Peak District.

        Ever seen that Calvin’s Farm?
        The lad off Emmerdale?
        Well his farm was at the end of the road.

        There was some nice mist up there today,
        I sat and ate my corned beef butties stroking a alpaca.

        Life’s deals me Aces occasionally 😁

      • I thought Fiddler may have been back by now.

        Probably got sent down for something utterly despicable.

        The fucking rotter.

      • Sounds ideal. I can’t say I’m familiar with the gentleman and his farm.

        A place down the lane from us has a motley collection of livestock, including alpaca’s and some ducks that have commandeered the corner of a flooded field.

        They all seem to rub along quite amiably.

        I love corned beef butties, with mustard and onion.

        And a couple of tomatoes with plenty of salt and pepper.

        Hungry now.

        Salivating

  25. I’ve never understood why Jocks feel the need to use the name of a poet from ages ago to celebrate being Scottish while being drunk: there’s already a name for that…… it’s called Monday.

  26. I remember the time when the Chinese New Year coincided wi’ Burns’ Night.
    When I woke up the next morning, my wrists were killing me…Chinese Burns.

    I’ll get ma jaikit the noo and be aff!

  28. It all kicked off In Bournemouth earlier. Near the roundhouse hotel, which is apparently being used to house ‘people’ and being payed for via government contract. Mmmmm now.

    I wonder if it was to do with them being served hagas.

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