‘Classic’ Christmas Songs

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About this time last year, I was on here sticking the boot into those ubiquitous Christmas hits that you just can’t escape from, the ones that seem to be playing in every shop, supermarket, restaurant and pub.

You know the cunts I’m talking about; those utterly done-to-death tunes from the likes of the Pogues, Carey, McCartney, Louie and Slade. Having to suffer through them one more time will likely make your ears bleed.

But let’s not forget that other category of atrocities that gets poured into our long-suffering ears at this time of year. I refer of course to those ‘classic’ songs, those knackered old warhorses that get habitually dragged out of the shed come December. Those syrupy festive efforts which have turned up on every crooner’s seasonal album since recording began, from Crosby and Como, to Martin and Williams, by way of Fitzgerald and Cole.

I’m sure that just like me, you simply can’t wait to hear ‘White Christmas’ again. Let’s all be enchanted once more by ‘The Christmas Song’, ‘Winter Wonderland’, ‘It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas’, and seasonal tear-jerker ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas’. Gosh, almost forgot ‘Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!’.

Yes, the pile-on of nostalgia and emotionalism can make the stomach churn a little can’t it? However when it comes to sheer, vomit-inducing mawkishness, there’s absolutely nothing to touch maudlin sentimentality of THIS pile of ‘classic’ wank;

YouTube

Truly a song written by cunts, performed by cunts, to be listened to by cunts (and let’s face it, you won’t hear it performed by a bigger cunt than this).

Go on then; from next year let’s all be together, if the fates allow, until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow, hang a shining star upon the highest bough…

*Bloooarrgh!*

Have yourself a merry little Christmas now!

Nominated by: Ron Knee

50 thoughts on “‘Classic’ Christmas Songs”

    • At least he’s dressed like a man, albeit a poof. Surprising he wasn’t wearing a bent sealion costume like usual.

    • A cunt song sung by a cunt.

      This vomit-inducing pile of maudlin slop is really up at the very top of the cringeometer scale, along with the likes of ‘Honey’ (‘and Honey I miss you, and I’m being good’), and that oddest of Xmas no.1s, ‘Two Little Boys’ (‘one lttle chap then had a mishap’). Oscar Hammerstein quality lyrics there.

      Fuck my hat.

  3. For some reason I haven’t been able to escape that Shakin Stevens song this year.

    There’s loads of the usual suspects that I haven’t actually heard this time around but that god awful one has been everywhere for some reason.

    Even though I’ve somehow managed to avoid it this year – that terrible Mariah Carey effort has to be the worst ever.

  4. Fuck me, the Mrs and I tested positive for COVID this morning. She was straight on the phone cancelling Christmas dinner at our daughter’s and then spoke to our lad to tell him not to bother coming round for a ‘classic’ Boxing morning breakfast with his fat girlfriend and their misbehaving kids. A triumph! Sat here now with the Mrs in a warm and peaceful house, plenty to eat and drink should we want it and no other fuckers to pander to. Heaven in comparison to what almost was.

    • Proof indeed that the absurd bollocks that is/was Covid, can have its benefits. Even after all this time.

  5. That song isn’t even among Slade’s best. All Join Hands, Run Runaway and Everyday are a lot better to name a few.

  6. Looking forward to United vs Villa tomorrow, Ron.

    I hate anything by that autotuned shop dummy cunt, Michael Buble.
    But his Christmas stuff is really shit.

    And that censorship of the Pogues track is laughable. The radio will allow McGowan to say ‘slut’. But MacColl isn’t allowed to say ‘phaggot’. Mustn’t upset the sodomites , must we?

    • Cardi B can rap about her minge yet a relatively mild insult gets censored. It’s ridiculous.

    • I’ll settle for a point Norman.

      Your gaffer must be looking at the tin tack if he can’t turn things around.Hope he doesn’t start tomorrow!

    • One thing that always makes me laugh is the number of times you’ll hear somebody start to sing that song that no cunt actually knows the words to, so inevitably you hear ‘Frosty the snowman er la la la la la la laaa…’

  7. It’s a strange thing, the Christmas song.
    Most of the dirge we’re subjected to was penned at least 30 years ago, most further back than that.
    No fucker has had any success with anything modern, so you’d assume the format was dead.
    But it’s not. We’re stuck in a horrific loop which is only occasionally augmented by desperate wankers like the raving iron in the link.
    I seriously pity the shop workers who are subjected to this shit from early November.
    Surely they could sue for damages of some sort.

  9. I worked in a place where Xmas tunes on a loop and non-fucking-stop for weeks, so I started singing along using my own lyrics.
    ‘Santa Claus Will Come in Your Mouth’ was the final straw for the management, so off went the music.
    Victory.

  11. I’ve been listening to Heart 70s today, about 99% normal music on the playlist, barely any xmas songs.

  12. The one ive heard most ad nauseum is “driving home for christmas” yeh well fucking drive off a cliff. A real gem to me and is often underheard unless on brilliant boom is ” a spaceman came travelling” . Pure class.

  13. Nearly all christmas pop songs belong in landfill. I have no time for them.
    carols and hymns are fine, but there’s something tacky about those in the charts and that get radioplay for 3 weeks a year.

    Do your ears a favour and put classic FM.

  14. I had to laugh yesterday, was in Morrisons ! Asked one of the staff for something her reply was ” this fucking Christmas loop tape is doing my head in, 6 hrs I’ve had to listen to this”..!

    Made my Christmas that lass…😂

  15. Christmas Time (Don’t let the Bells end) by the Darkness is probably ok for the modern era.

    Greg Lakes ‘ I Believe in Father Christmas’ is the best, a marvellous combination of Slegh Ride/Trojka and classic rock. It won’t get played, certainly not on the BBC as it contains verboten words and phrases, such as Christmas and Israelites. The video if I recall also had images of tanks, mortars explosions, palm trees and the un-holy land.

    All in all, a wet wipe leftwaffe worst nightmare.

    • The final verse especially is one of the most powerful ever put to song. In just those 4 lines you have the message of the song – treat others as you would like to be treated and don’t look down on people who have it worse than you.

  16. The Mariah Carey song isn’t a song she just does that high pitched shrieking that she’s done on every song since about 1993.
    She sounds like Cunt Engine’s interfering with her with a speculum.

    The Christina Aguilera version of Have yourself a merry little Christmas sounds like she’s possessed and is about to crab walk down the stairs.

    Bring back Shakey and Wizard.

  20. Rocking around the Christmas fucking tree.
    It’s not a rock song, it’s a repetitive dirge squeaked by an irritant cunt who’d immediately benefit from a laryngectomy.

  21. Being out here means that we don’t get subjected to the usual seasonal shite that gets played on an endless loop in UK. The painty faced cunt from Wizard always boils my piss, closely followed by that Op YewTree dodging old God bothering cunt ‘Colostomy Bag’ Cliff. What a fucking self righteous weasel he is. The less said about that Vic Reeves impersonator Noddy Holder, the fucking better! If God loves me, he will squash these cunts before New Year.

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