Illustrated Instruction Manuals

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A common and hugely irritating annoyance when buying products these days is the accompanying instruction manual that is basically a set of pictures laid out in – hopefully – a chronological sequence in order for you to construct your DIY flat pack furniture, or fit a fridge, TV or basically anything large or small.

However, the designers of these manuals do this in order to save shedloads on multi-language textual instructions. They assume, therefore, that by just having pictures/sketches will be understood by everyone.

Utter bollocks in most cases, especially when it involves complicated or vague steps such as using the right screw, nut and bolt for a particular join, but you have about 6 different types to choose from but all look the same.

The attached link is just one example, but there are far worse picto-manuals than this. Moreover, what these cunning bastards are doing more often now is not enclosing instruction sheets at all. Instead you have to scan a QR code, register and then download the manual from their site.

Not only do you have to put up with understanding the logical sequence of badly-detailed diagrams, but you’ve just given them your contact details for you to be spammed with by 3rd party cunts.

ikeainstruct

Nominated by Technocunt.

48 thoughts on “Illustrated Instruction Manuals”

  1. The Billy bookcase.

    God I hate IKEA flatpack.
    weird fuckin pictograms like you’d find on a Aztec pyramid.

    I’ve built loads of these stupid fuckin things.
    Sundays spent swearing and muttering to myself.
    Mrs Miserable used to love taking me to IKEA buying flimsy crap and then mithering me every few minutes how it’s assembly is coming along.☹️

    Then a miracle happened!
    a fashion craze for ‘ upcycling’ and restoration.

    Every twobob celebs wife was bringing out TV shows on how to make some ugly piece of crap pretty.

    I convinced her this was the true religion.
    No more IKEA 😁👍🎈

      • Flo, Flo, I love you so,
        Especially in yer nightie.
        When the moonlight flits
        Across yer tits…
        Oh, Jeezus… Christ… Almighty.

        Thank you, the Reverend Ike.
        Derek & Clive.

  2. Liz Danzico, Christ what a bullshit merchant! Everyone else in the world knows that these instructions are bollocks. There are companies trading whose business is assembling goods with “self assembly” instructions which have completely defeated the folks who bought them. This is all part of a general malaise where people responsible for passing on information of all kinds simply do not bother testing it out on the general population. An area with which I am familiar having spent so many years on the road is direction signs which in many places are comically poor and illogical. As for QR codes, if I found such instructions with something I had bought I would return it to the store and tell them I don’t do QR codes. Which is true. Good nom Techno.

  3. I take it the bookcase is for picture books?
    seeing as said cunts can’t read a manual..

    Just get a darkie in to do the job.
    Seeing as they have built everything from hadrians wall to the great pyramids, a bookcase should be a doddle.

    • The only darkie you see, is the throbbing thumb, when you’ve missed the nail with the hammer.

      • Good Morning

        There are any darkies Sammy because all the instruction leaflets are made up and printed in China, using Google translate for any other language. The Ricky-dinks don’t get on with the darkies, especially now they are the new colonial power in Africa.

  5. Where’s do you find the Egyptian diagrammes on how to get rid of foreigners from our shores.

  6. The most appropriate picture on ikea instructions is the guy with a question mark above his head.
    I bought an electrical device the other day. The instructions were obviously translated by the Chinese guy who made it. “Press button” and a picture of it with a finger. There was no such button, and I gave it the finger.

  7. Well, just the other day I built an IKEA® time machine (`Timmy`) & went forward to the year 2047. Allahu Akbar.

  9. The only diagramme of a darkie with tools in its hands, will be of the cunt scratching its head.

  11. Had a sofa delivered yesterday, in a completely unnecessary amount of cardboard packaging which I now have to dispose of.

    There’s an instruction sheet on how to attach the legs in the final box ( in pictures, of course) but there are no legs!

    Fire of an email to the supplier, who replies several hours later, that the legs may be in a hidden compartment in the underside of the sofa seat.

    Sure enough, there’s a cunning little compartment containing legs.

    However, if this little pearl of wisdom had been included on the instruction sheet, it would have saved me considerable amounts of rage, and don’t get me started on IKEA furniture!!

  12. I can pretty much build anything..

    Bridge’s, division, trust and disappointment.
    Though I draw a line under IKEA flat-crap.

  13. those of us with enhanced IQ levels do not need “destructions”. look at the pieces and mentally build it.
    problem is the extra screws…..

  14. Thinking about this nom, Meccano was an apprenticeship for 21st century flat pack.

    Our mediocre lives were mapped out from day one.
    Woodwork
    Metal work.
    Tech drawing.
    Doomed to the factory or office.
    Problem is now no fucker wants those type of jobs, hence the “uncontrolled” immigration ( my arse)..

    • Speaking of uncontrolled mass immigration – Considering the sub zero temperatures, those military age, predominantly Muslim men, crossing the channel in boats must be incredibly keen to get over here and bolster the UK economy.

      Bless em.

  16. I see the Jerries have foiled another Christmas Market Enrichment and the Palestinians have further enriched Jerusalem.

    Anyone got any instructions on how to get rid of these camel cunts?

    • The perpetrators were ‘neutralised’

      Our police need to take lessons from Israel, they only arrest dead terrorists 😂

  17. As well as saving writing instructions in lots of different language it ensures that the knuckle dragging cavemen and thick foreign cunts who can’t read can still feel included 😂

    Sarah Moore makes crap from crap and then gets idiots to buy the crap for ridiculous amounts of money.
    The best ones are when she gets some piece of shit and makes something useless using other shit she has at home, spends hours doing it, doesn’t cost in her time and materials and then claims a profit which she then hands over to the cunt who took it to the tip

    But no pictograms are harmed in the process 😂

  18. Instructions are for poofs. Real men don’t need a manual to tell them what to do – we can fuck it up all on our own. However, I do like reading a manual before I start. “RTFM” as I was told at my first job – read the fucking manual. I once had a Maserati when I had money, the manual said I had just bought a “internal combustion engined vehicle operating on the Otto cycle”. Superb.

  19. This is a right on the nose cunting. These things are designed to drive anyone with a vestige of sanity remaining completely over the top.

    I put them right up there with computer manuals. Your computer won’t work and you want to consult the manual. Now where it the damn thing? Oh wait, it’s on the computer that isn’t working… Fucking genius.

    Morning all.

    • Like the stupid fucking messages you get when you contact a telecom to say your broadband isn’t working and the it tells you you can find the information you want online. No, I can’t, that’s why I’m fucking ringing, cunt.

  20. I can’t condone this cunting. As my father endlessly told me men make things, our forefathers used to build their own houses and all the furniture in them. Not only did they build their own houses, they did them with hand tools, none of your fancy cordless power tools for them!

    My great grandfather built his enter house and contents without a manual and his only tools were his false teeth, which by the way were also made out of English hardwood.

    No wonder the gayness has taken hold of the current generation, with their girly power tools and mamby pamby manuals………

    Fucking disgrace the lot of you!

    • Your great grandfather sounds like the kind of man who made this country great Six.

      He must be turning in his grave at the sight of things nowadays; the country’s full of namby-pamby soyboys who couldn’t blow the foam off their own coffee, and can barely lift a mobile phone.

      Bring back national service I say. Would make men out of them etc etc *wibble*

    • Division of labour has been advancing for centuries Sixdog. In medieval times for instance one man in the village would be assigned one particular necessary task e.g. shoe maker. It will only become more so as the rate of growth in technology accelerates. Years ago I fixed the car at the side of the road on several occasions following a breakdown. Modern cars are much more reliable and efficient but when they stop you’ve usually no chance of fixing it. Many people now seem to be just about capable of changing a light bulb. Having said that though the law now treats everyone as an imbecile. It is actually illegal for you to replace a window in your house yourself and in this area the local authority have prosecuted people for doing so and then boasted about it on their web site. It is also illegal to do any sort of maintenance or installation of a gas appliance and the same applies to almost all electrical installations. These rules are of course ignored by millions which makes me think that there is still hope for us.

  22. My dream of extreme wealth is not driven by greed, just the desire nevever to have to buy IKEA crap again. And to furnish my dungeon with solid oak handmade pieces from Titchmarsh & Goodwin. Not forgetting the brown foam rubber curtains, and more string…

    • Where did all that wealth come from?

      I think we know the answer to that Mrs C. It was taken from the population generally who lived hand-to-mouth in hovels, wondering how they would eat next week and whether they would survive the next winter. Same in this country at that time really. Everyone knows the English cathedrals but I often wondered when driving through some hamlet in the backwoods of Lincolnshire for instance and coming across a large ornate church with the gargoyles and flying butresses etc, about what proportion its creation required of the locals work and income.

      • Too true and if it wasn’t the local peasants it was plundering somewhere or just raising taxes. Then we all remember the relic scams as well. No end to greed is there.

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