BAPS (Prostate Biopsy)

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I have just been reading the Phobia nomination and what we fear.in July I was told I needed a Prostate Biopsy and despite reassurance from the consultant had been living with a nagging fear until last Monday, 23rd October, when it was carried out.

I won’t go into full details as some of you might still be at breakfast, but it is a bit of a bugger and you lose whatever dignity you might have when in the room and it involves needles in very sensitive areas.

Needless to say it was not half as bad as I had thought it would be. It is a rite of passage for chaps of a certain age but the fear of having it done was an absolute cunt. Just waiting for the results now, which I have resigned myself to being lousy.

Nominated by Wanksock, with more on this painful procedure from Sheikh Anvakh below.

May I second this excellent cunting.
I also had a prostate biopsy, which although not something I enjoyed, was pretty painless although uncomfortable.
I was the only bloke, ever to request a prostate test at my GP practice as both my father and brother had problems.
Too many dopy cunts avoid getting tested, assuming that because they feel OK, nothing’s wrong.
I was completely symptomless. Long story short, slightly raised PSA, and referred for an MRI (fuck, they’re noisy although more interesting that Laurie Anderson’s “O Superman” and more tuneful)
The scan picked up a shadow and the biopsy found low level pre-cancerous cells.
Caught early and treatable. I’m pushing for HIFU, High Frequency Ultrasound, non-invasive and “cooks” the bad bits.
If you’re having weeing problems, don’t be a cunt by ignoring it, go to the fucking doctor, they have to deal with the initial analysis within 2 weeks and so far the NHS has passed with flying colours.

BTW, HIFU only works for early stage contained in the gland and hasn’t spread.

If you’ve got any problems, don’t be a cunt, get it checked.

Definitely does not apply to trans “men” with real cunts.

Now fuck off down to the quack…

96 thoughts on “BAPS (Prostate Biopsy)”

  1. Best of luck with that WS.
    Did you pick it up from the chemist psa test ?

    I don’t know why they don’t screen for it.

    • I have just been reading through all the replies to my nomination and I am really quite touched by all your kind thoughts, thanks chaps.

      It was picked up as I have a 6 monthly flexible cystscopy (sic?) due to a touch of bladder cancer 10 years ago. I have become quite friendly with my urologist over the years and after having to get up every couple of hours for a pee during the night, I thought a PSA test might be in order. I had that and an MRI scan and a growth was revealed, hence the biopsy. I had the old finger up the arse job and that had shown a softening of the prostate. A finger up the arse is nothing, it is a pleasurable extra at certain massage establishments, so I am told.

      There was a crowd of people in the room at the time , at least 6, most of whom I think were there to distract me from what was going on. I had an interesting discussion about football crowd attendances.

      I am just a little worried about the results but I expect the worst as the chap who was sticking the needle in described my growth as a lesion.

      Anyway I am really grateful for the support.

      • PS Great header picture from the Admin team that describes the procedure remarkably well. The worst bit is the over large camera up the arse which makes you feel like taking a Tom Tit whilst the procedure is going on.

        I do disagree though with Admin’s comment about painful procedure, I have a very low pain threshold but would describe it as uncomfortable at worst.

      • I don’t think lesion necessarily means cancer. All I can tell you is my dad had prostate cancer and is still here 4 years later. He was lucky as his radiotherapy finished about a month before Covid hit Britain.

  2. Get your baps out for the lads! Get your baps out..oh

    Oh Christ no!!
    Put it away for the love of Christ!

    * all the best Wanksock👍

  4. Was it similar or the same as the uncomfortable test colonoscopy ? I had that done, just for routine a few years ago. The advent shit calendars have been stopped after reaching a certain age where you have to take potluck in old age.

    • Sammy, what age do they stop the bowel cancer tests?
      I’ve had a text asking me if I want one sending, but I’m 70 next, so I might get one, just in case.

      • The automatic two year tests stop at 74 I think, but you can request them after that

        The advent calendar has been replace by a much more civilised system 😂

      • I’m 79 now, I would say J P, around the mid-seventies mark. Sorry for not being precise, with age playing tricks on us.

      • It amused me that Sick of it did the favour without me realising it and he jogged my memory by adding we can request being tested after the time allotted.

      • You will have to tell me more Sicko, about the advent calendar. I know it was full of shit being the same old thing. I can only think that some of the testers must’ve got addicted and were licking the calendars clean.

      • I was sent bowel cancer tests at 60 and 62.
        Am now 10 monthsl into my 64th year but haven’t received the latest one yet.
        The other two arrived soon after my birthdays.
        Time I enquired as to what the fuck the cunts think they’re playing at.

      • Just seen an NHS advert on the telly.
        Apparently blacks are 4 times as likely to catch prostate cancer than whites.
        So it’s official: prostate cancer is RACIST.

  5. After having had two rigid and two flexible cystoscopies, I can only endorse Wanksocks excellent nom.

    Leave your dignity at the door and get on with it.

    Half the NHS has seen my knob. 💪

    I’m getting heavy Tinder traffic 😂

    Disturbingly, an anaesthetist asked me if I was on Grindr.

    The cheeky cunt 😀

    Look after yourselves, gentlemen. 👍

  6. Ill even go to a mosque and pray for WS – then a synagogue then a temple – all short
    walking distance i am sure- All the best

  7. Fingers crossed, hoping for the best WS.

    Got to say, that all sounds fucking awful, but the Sheikhs right, no point in burying your head in the sand.

  8. Biopsies are worrying. although I was far less worried about the procedure itself than the results when I needed one a couple of months ago. Local anaesthetic then a quick jab. Nothing much.

  9. All the best Wank Sock. Pity it wasn’t Joanne Whalley Kilmer in her Nurses uniform in The Singing Detective giving you the Biopsy to take your mind off it a little.

  10. “Needless to say it was not half as bad as I had thought it would be.”

    I would like to endorse that statement. When I had my cardiac event in 2016 I was blue lighted into hospital. I was whizzed into the catheter suite and stripped by two nurses except for my socks. I was on the table for an hour or so while six stents were installed. A couple of years later I had a camera put down my throat to investigate an ulcer. I was offered sedation or a local anaeshetic. I opted for the local which is simply sprayed into the back of your throat and tastes fucking horrible! My point is that the anticipation is far, far worse than the actual event. The great folks who perform these procedures do so a dozen times a week and are highly competent. Don’t be afraid!

    • I’m lucky in that I’m rarely poorly and never had a finger up my Khyber.

      I’m not sure how I’d react?

      Possibly a bit weepy and feeling violated?

      Maybe bite the couch and buck a bit?

      Just hope I wouldn’t get a taste for it,
      Sending love letters etc.

      But your health is everything.
      So good luck to Mr Wanksock,
      All your playmates on ISAC are wishing you the best.

      But your not making the sandwiches at the Christmas do.

      Ps
      And don’t bring your doctor as your ‘ plus one’!

      • You might get an absolute diamond-cutter of a stiffie, MNC…
        Then invite yourself round Tom Daley’s love palace for dinner and felching.

      • That’s what I’m worried about Thomas.

        Find out I’m really into it, start going the clinic mithering on a pretext so Dr Khan will finger my balloon knot while I milk my own nipples.

        Have you booked a checkup yet?😆

  12. Went to my GP after seeing an article on the box re the above, I requested a PSA test given my age / family. Her reply was why do you want that…!!!! FFS , she stated that PSA tests were inconclusive and the only way was to have a scan which unless you are showing symptoms they won’t do.
    I insisted on a PSA which thankfully came back normal…
    It’s all about the money, they don’t care if old cunts die….!

    • You’ve got a crap GP. My local practice is a mixed bag; my GP is usually good and quite thorough, but she’s only there 3 days a week. There are a couple of them whom are fucking useless and scare you needlessly.

    • Oddly enough, I was called in for a standard fingering and blood test earlier this year but I can’t for the life of me remember why. I’d had one in my 20’s as a a medical for a job but I couldn’t remember that fucker either so I was somewhat apprehensive. All was well

  13. Why does everyone say “if you have any problems” but fail to say WTF kind of problems? Watched a whole British Broadcasting Cunts segment on this but too fucking bashful to actually define “any problems”. Different story when it’s tit cancer.

  14. Excellent nom by Wanksock and The Sheikh. I recently have noticed a marked fall off in pissing flow in the morning, which seems to correct itself during the day.

    Nonetheless, I’m probably due for a finger up the arsehole first methinks (Mrs M) and then if the prostate has any suspect nodules them further investigation may be warranted.

    • The finger up the bum! That’s a delightful experience, isn’t it?

      ” Would you like a nurse in the room, while I carry out the examination?”

      ” Hell, no!”

      • Or the classic

        “We have some student doctors here observing for experience. Would it be OK if one came in, while I do the examination?”

        ” Hell, no!”

      • You would, an’ all!

        Screaming, biting the pillow, nurse, students….

        Oops sorry. That’ll be the Akita, protecting you. Do you really need the dog with you at the doctors. Does you GP sound like Rajesh, from the Big Bang Theory?

      • I don’t know what my doctor looks like or what they’re called JP.

        Been years since I’ve been the doctors.
        Last time was for help giving up smoking,
        It was some fat Irish women with her dinner down her jumper.

        Right useless twat.

        I gave up on my own.
        Probably have to inspect my own arsehole if it’s still her.

      • ‘It was some fat Irish women with her dinner down her jumper.’

        Some of these NHS workers are like that though. No pride in their appearance.
        Nurses like Weebles, administrators with fluff and crud on their clothing.
        Toilet and entrance lights not working.
        Receptionists who never pass on relavant information.
        Where are we, Pompey or Pondicherry?

  15. Judging by the ease with which certain ladies bumholes on Pornhub can accommodate a dildo the size of a fire extinguisher, a finger up the bum oughtn’t be a problem.
    Unless your doctor is Andre the Giant, MD

      • I remember my Dad howling with laughter at ‘allo’ allo, and telling us it was more authentic than we could ever know.

        He was in a reserved occupation, during the war, and worked as an ack-ack gun operator during air raids, so he said.

        However, he spoke fluent French and was always suitably vague about his daytime job.

      • Evening LL, hope you’re well.
        Gruber was just pretending to be a fruit to get access to the woman he desired the most and lick her clit until she screamed “sacré bleu!”
        The object of his Nazı lust being Edith’s mum.

  16. I remember, many years ago, reading an article about a group of people who lived in some remote part of the world, maybe the Andes, or Antarctica, somewhere very inhospitable.

    Anyway, they all lived to a great age, like 110 years or older. The scientists did some tests to find out why they lived so long. They didn’t find an answer, but every single person was absolutely riddled with cancer. But they didn’t know what cancer was, much less that they had it!

    What I took from that was
    “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”
    So, I’d rather not know.

    • Depends on the cancer. Some can linger for years. If these people were up in the Andes, it could be a skin cancer due to high UV exposure. They wouldve known if it was gadtro-intestinal, throat, pancreatic or lung.

  17. You thought the MRI scanner was noisey , I had suspected he’d and neck cancer and spent 35 minutes with my fucking head bolted into the scanner.
    You can listen to all the mind warping sounds on you tube.
    Nothing sinister was found and this was second scare.
    ANY ISSUES GET CHECKED OUT!!

    • I had one for my cardio prob; the soundtrack was pure bloody IPCRESS.
      And they have now told my my heart is in BETTER nick than it was in Cardiff, so no op required. I was zen about the op, but rather concerned re all the rehab. More exercise than have done in my entire life.
      I also wonder if it’s just NHS cost-cutting. I am past caring. If you hear of an enormous explosion in Hull, near the P&o docks, it is my Fart of Doom.
      Very best wishes to those awaiting results & c.

    • LL, among other, encourages my brain to conjure up truly horrific thoughts, EAC.
      For example, imagine going to Hogwarts as a pupil and Hagrid manages to put a paralysis spell on you in his dirty hut and also miniaturises you to be about a foot long, whilst chuckling about you fitting “where the sun don’t shine, moi luvver” in his west country burr.
      Then imagine the horror as he lubes you up, fully conscious, lifts his robes and your head edges closer to its ultimate destination before being plunged into his wizard’s corridor of filth.
      Well, that happened to poor Ron Weasley.

      • I read the site every day but post less than many. Why? quite simply because cunters like yourself have me chuckling I forget to bother posting. Keep it up.. Postings, Thomas, not objects inside dark tunnels.

  19. I am 66 and have a prostate the size of a grapefruit. The consultant said i will have to use a catheter so i can piss if it stops all together.
    But… There is hope on the horizon. I am going to get a day op called “Prostate embolisation”
    They cut off most the blood supply to the prostate which in turn shrinks it. My brother had it done and he says he now pisses like a ten year old and no more getting up in the night.
    Anyone who has a similar problem mention it to your GP

    • Evening FF, I do worry that this happening to me too.
      My piss stream, once gushing with the force of the Niagra falls, has diminished to somewhere close to an asthmatic Sisyphus try to push the boulder up the hill after he’s forgotten his inhaler.

      • Go get it sorted Thomas.
        It’s not like the old days where they routinely removed the prostate and left you pissing your pants and no longer able to rise to the occasion .
        Alfuzosin is good drug for helping you piss better but avoid Tamsulosin because it makes you ejaculate into your bladder 😱

      • Sounds like FF has found the solution, Thomas.

        Worth a chat with your GP, assuming you can get through on the phone, have called between the magic hour of 8am and 8:01am, can get an appointment this side of Christmas, don’t have to promise a blood donation as a bribe, etc, etc.

        I haven’t seen my GP for over 8 years, I wouldn’t recognise her and considering I have some health issues I’d expect the twat to want to look me over once in a while, but no, it’s Health Navigation, all the way.

      • In which case, I hope I never meet them, Thomas.

        The butch nurse practitioner is hard enough to cope with.

        Is it OK to say butch, these days?

        I’m going to fake senility, if the thought police come for me. I have experience in how senile folk behave.

      • I know I poke fun at you sometimes TtCE but seriously get yourself checked out by a GP.

        I’ve lost a relative earlier this year who wouldn’t get checked out and had problems with his lungs for over a year.
        I think he knew what it was but left it and then finally after much nagging went to the Doc who told him he had lung cancer in both lungs – one worse than the other and it had spread to his liver.

        You never you know you might like a finger up your balloon knot. He He

      • Harold, i think it’s important not to lump all cancers in together. Prostate has a decent survival rate (my own dad is still about after 4 years and needed 6 weeks of radiotherapy, but could do so as an outpatient every weekday afternoon).

        Lung cancer on the other hand is a juggernaut and claims more lives than the next three cancers combined. The charities trade on the fear of ‘cancer’ in general when there are very unequal outcomes between types. Testicular and Thyroid are both >95% curable.

      • The point I intended to make CP is that all cancers have a much better rate of survival if caught early enough before they spread.

        Even lung cancer, if caught early has a potential survival rate of around 6 out of 10 people, which while not as good a survival rate as say testicular or prostate cancer, is still a better survival rate than 5 in 10 or less.

        For all we knew my relative might have only had cancer in one lung over a year ago and it might not have been stage 4 at that point. I know it’s speculation but he could possibly have survived some years more but with only one lung.

  20. Been through the whole shebang, raised PSA led to biopsy led to diagnosis of the big C , had gorgeous doctor put her finger up me Khyber didn’t turn me into a raving gay, though for some of you it might open up a whole new lifestyle 🧚‍♀️.
    It can bring other problems such as
    making you impotent, but I’ve purchased a suit now cos as the doctor has said I’m impotent I may as well look impotent. But better impotence than a shroud, so dont be scared of finding out if you’ve got it or not ,better a finger up your dirt box than your body in a pine box.
    Anyway they have ways to help you resurrect the old chap from pills to pumps to the dreaded winkie injections which do take some doing first time and if your nickname is Microsoft like me you got to be careful you dont put needle all the way through and you end up with stiff leg.

  21. Reading this nomination and all the comments I think I’m off to find a younger and more virile group..

    I keep hearing about this right wing group in all the news. Do you need references?
    Does anyone know how much it costs to join.

    • We may be old.

      We may not be as ‘ sprightly as in our youth ‘

      But we’re mean as hell !

      And don’t give two fucks.

      So there !

      The steward will give you an application form and take your first six months of subs. in advance.

      Belly up to the bar boys !!

      We’re flush.

      • We march at dawn.

        Imagine if there was an IsAC cordon around the cenotaph on Saturday?

        I hope these Palestinian fuckers don’t hang around because some will need a good piss after 10 minutes. Aching like someone twenty years older this year, its been a long hard season eh Jack?

      • It’s gone on and on and thankfully, it’s nearly over.

        The winter rest is upon us 👍

      • We grow old disgracefully.
        I am just thinking of a PR exam, with Caroline Langrishe as my GP, and Charlotte Church as Rubber Nurse…

      • Charlotte Church is filth.

        Her antics in Cardiff are known, and it’s quite funny to hear from multiple sources how her cavorting made that prick Gavin Henson so jealous.

  22. I’ve had the dreaded gloved finger up the jacksy. Not nice but important to check. Thing is I only went in for a sore throat!! Best wishes Mr Sock and Mr Andvakh. Hope all is well 👍

  23. That diagram has me clenching everything below the waist at those insertions.

    Is the diagram depicting Mr R. Knee’s latest sexual adventure?
    First it was urethral sounding. Now its taken a more sinister turn.

    • Thanks. Having a consultation on the 16th, going to push for HIFU and if necessary to speed up the process, I’ll pay to go private. No point hanging onto a dormant pension fund if it can be used.

      • Yes, probably a good idea. Pot luck with the Saint N.H of S. The fuckers are still plodding along as if there was never a huge shutdown in 2020.

  25. My dad is a sufferer of prostate cancer. He regrets not getting his looked at sooner. Stage 3 cancer isn’t fun.

  26. My dad had prostate cancer when he was 61. He’s now 76. I always ask them to stick a finger up my arse when I have a medical .

    Not because I’m worried , I just like it

  27. This procedure seems to be like a sort of Izzard sex game.
    However, having had the finger twice I can confirm it’s fucking horrible.

    • Really Cuntstable? I’ve been done five times. Can’t say I enjoyed it but I didn’t find it that bad.

    • It’s like a red-hot poker if you have hammerheads, and I’m sure she was smirking as she did it.

  28. The ads for cancer charities are fucking terrible. The 1 in 2 stat is due to much higher resolution in imaging and earlier detection of abnormalities and pre-cancerous cells, and what does ‘directly affected’ even mean? Diagnosed? Suspected? Screened?

    Also, ive never seen some poor slaphead cunt in a gown sitting in a corridor in the fucking dark when i was being treated on the chemo ward or in outpatients.

    Ghoulish cunts.

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