TV Shopping Channels

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This is the genre known as Selly Telly.

In this la la land idiot presenters offer vastly overpriced low quality merchandise to what must now surely be a shrinking audience of older folk who will never grasp that darned information superhighway or Interweb.

One of these stations is Ideal World which went bankrupt earlier this year, disappeared for a few months and then came back worse than ever. They are selling essentials such as scented candles, massagers, skin rejuvenation cream to make 80 year olds look 75, hideous looking ‘designer’ watches, and well you get the idea. Useless tat.

The presenters are mostly failed entertainers from the 80s who make outrageous claims for the products they are flogging. And lie through their back teeth (allegedly).

“My wife loves these candles and they create a wonderful ambience in our home.”

That’s funny. A few days ago you said how how handy you found an air fryer as you lived alone.

And you have to rush as stock is limited. Really. Buy now! Check out your baskets. Except that the same rubbish is available later that day.

And the presenter is your trusted friend who will guide you through this treasure trove, ensuring you get all the best bargains without leaving your bungalow. So sincere.

The King of all this Crap appears in this video, it is admittedly old but he is still on Selly Telly doing the same old shtick, babbling away like a buffoon and often getting his words disastrously wrong as in this case.

Quite amusing though…

YouTube

Nominated by: Lord Helpus

58 thoughts on “TV Shopping Channels”

  1. Any ISACunter admitting to using this sort of service must be banned forthwith and join Miles on the electronic naughty step.

  2. Always given the likes of this shite a wide berth and that’s before having to read the nomination.

  3. Is this shite still going on?

    I thought it died back in the 00s along with those late night adult channels of some slapper flaunting her tits and asking you to give her a bell on a premium line phone number (at least this is what a friend told me)

      • I can just imagine TtCE’s very on TV channel…

        “Yes, folks, you’ve heard of Josef Fritzl. But here I am offering this premium service of prime real-estate cellars in which to imprison you’re beloved but nagging wife/daughter for up to 25 years.

        Just blindfold and cuff her and bring her to my home and I will take care of the rest. Just £30,000 per year, no questions asked!”

    • When they had a rolling ticker on the bottom of the screen on Babestation/cast I sent in a text message saying, ‘Come home mum’.

    • As Jack Dee put it back then …

      (Tart) “I really want to talk to you – phone me now on 1890 – 1234567”

      (Jack) “No. Fuck off. If you really want to talk to me so badly, then YOU ring ME” …
      😄

  4. Fucking useless, waited up till 3 am to get the book ‘how to spot a scam’ for only £36 plus P&P.

    Three months later and it’s still not arrived.

  5. I blow ordinary candles out with farts to give them natural scent. I’ll be farting out of my letterbox this evening. Hope the vicar doesn’t call.

  6. Being stocked with low budget crap they obviously can’t afford top quality essentials like Gwyneth Paltrow’s fanny candles.

    Maybe they have a D-list celebrity version? Maureen from Driving School or Sally Bercow?

    Now I know where Miserable got me that David Hasselhoff aftershave from last Christmas.

  7. The item comes with additional bonus worth (pick a number) absolutely free.

    The bonus being the piece of tat they couldn’t sell last week and is taking up valuable space in the warehouse.

    Order now while stocks last 😂

  8. I have pity for the cunts who watch this crap. I know a silly unmployed bint who watches Gemporia necking back boxes of wine.

    The same sort who gamble with online casinos, scratchcards. They stay up late, and the adverts target the sad fuckers with gambling.

    The same with these sad cunts who get suckered in to ‘free-to-play’ games on the mobile and PC. Turns out they’re pay-to-win. They’re suckers for a short term fix.

    Michael Jackson should’ve released a pity single for them.

    What about Scratchcards?
    Winning this time,
    What about all the channels
    That sold us trinkets for a dime?

    Did you ever stop to notice,
    The appalling credit score?
    Did you ever stop to notice,
    Munchie Boxes at the door…

    AAHAAAHHHAAA..
    OOHOOOHOOO

  10. I wouldn’t buy a lifejacket on the Titanic off most celebs.

    Although I did buy a dreamcatcher off a shopping channel because Stuart Hall was selling it.

    What?

    They catch bad dreams!!

    • Can you imagine Glitter, Saville and Harris selling day experiences with them at knockdown prices.

      First 100 get it for 50 quid.

    • I find a few measures of gin or rum achieves the opposite. It gives me bad dreams.

      Whiskey, vodka and fortified wines are fine. Just those two.

  11. I don’t get this. If I were to wander the streets, like Del Boy selling what looks like knock off goods for top dollar, I’d be banged up by Trading Standards.

    These channels are full of batty boys, wannabe slags that didn’t get into TV or not good enough to be on babestation or underfucked middle aged slappers.

  12. Anyone remember the Box ? the music TV channel you rang up or texted to play a song cost about 2 quid if memory serves.

    I paid once for a song and waited 4 hours for the cunt to come on never again!

    Waste of my fucking life that was

  13. Off topic.

    I’m watching Dominic Cummings giving evidence at the covid enquiry.

    No one does Bitter like Dom!
    He makes lemons wince.

    He’s like a mad ex girlfriend,
    Proper trying to stick the knife in😆

    Hes just been asked about his language.
    Called people ‘ fuckpigs’ ‘ cunts ‘
    Hated everyone, hehehe.

    He’d do well on here👍

    • Although a cunt, I always had a soft spot for him – he hates Carrie and had a vendetta to take down that horse slag.

      Eye test in Barnard Castle was a bit much mind you.

    • I want him back in govt, just so the BBC and Guardianistas shit themselves all over again.

      Channel 4 can fuck off as well.

    • Just wait until its Boris’ turn.

      Sweaty and shifty looking, got dressed in a phone box, incoherent blathering with maybe some classical Greek poetry thrown in.

      • I wonder if Chris Whitty will be called?

        He is half tortoise you know. He’ll be in hibernation now and have to wait until springtime.

      • Is Neil ferguson being called?
        Did you know he can bench press 500 kg, run a marathon in a hour and has a 20 inch cock..
        Or so he said..

      • Prof. van Tam works for Moderna now.

        I wonder what he’ll say, if he can get the time off work.

      • As for Prof. Ferguson, he didn’t seem to fussed by his own predictions, given he had his married bit of fanny taxied across London during lockdown.

        Fucking lying cunts, the lot of them.

  14. Happened to accidentally switch on to one of these channels a few years ago. They were peddling hideous Russian “designer watches” (the Russians obviously being well known for their exquisite horology). The thing was the size of the radio telescope dish at Jodrell Bank and festooned with multiple dials and various knobs. It looked revolting – pure tat.

  16. Someone mentioned Jack Dee earlier…..there’s an episode of Lead Balloon where he gets a temporary gig on a shopping channel while the presenter is on holiday. Much to his delight the presenter chokes to death and he gets signed up permanently.
    His friends and family are taking the piss out of how far he has fallen while he defends tv shopping as a vital public service.
    Finally, thinking he is off air, something winds him up and he launches into a rant about about fat, crisp eating chavs sitting on their arses
    blowing their bennies on cheap overpriced tat…..”there’s a reason you can’t buy it in the bloody shops.”
    Then, realising it went out he says “it’s been nice working with you” and walks out. A classic.

    • Reminds me Freddie, of an incident some years ago on a television news slot. You will have seen this trick where the existing display is reduced in size and a reporter in a remote location appears in the other half of the screen. On this occasion the pretty young blonde presenter introduced such a person and she was retained on half of the screen. Trouble is she obviously thought that she had been taken off screen altogether because apparently she heard something she didn’t like in her earpiece, stared straight into the camera and clearly mouthed the words; “Fuck off.” I never saw her again.

    • Don’t let the cunts in and it wouldn’t happen.

      Seen various clips of the goat herders bragging in various western nations that they will take over. Apparently 10% is the tipping point.

  18. Career opening for Holly Willowcunt, same viewership most likely.

    Things she could sell.

    Vacuous tart party costumes

    Queue jumpers picnic hamper

    Phil’s hide the sausage parlour game

    S’leb glasto mini mirror and spoon set

    Carol Vodermorts Halloween makeup kit (25kg) and trowel

    Lorraine Kelly professional Scots Woman accessory set.

    Over to you Holly….

  20. Just like the bbc. Except you are forced to pay for their shite even if you are not buying.

  21. Although the self proclaimed king of telly shopping Paul Lavers has retired there is still an endless stream of tat being sold on TV. I haven’t seen the Europainter advertised for a while (‘It’s a quality, made in Germany’). These were paint pads from the 1960s being brought up-to-date in the 1990s.

    That Sara Davies from Dragons’s Den is a multi-millionaire with an interest in the Ideal World Shopping Channel. The Crafting Queen. How much profit is there in baubles made out of wool and string and glass beads? A lot, apparently.

    Victor Lewis-Smith had a particular loathing for QVC as evidenced here:
    https://youtu.be/CQS1m3LUFEo?t=176

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