Anal Sex

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It probably looks pretty good in p0rn films with a girl getting double or even triple plugged. And it has to be said a young woman’s arse is one of the Wonders of the World!

However, I have only ever indulged in anal sex 3 times over the last 40 odd years, and not one of them turned out as well as you see in those very same films.

The first time was when I was about 18, drunk after a cranky party and ended up in bed with a girl called Emma. Very much a one night stand, but despite that for the first 30 odd minutes we went through the usual positions until for whatever reason I shoved my dick in her arsehole while she was on all 4s presenting herself to me.

It hurt both of us like hell and of course she simply wasn’t ready for such an invasion, as I found out when I pulled out!!

2nd time, I was in my 30s. Very much the same scenario as before, but on this occasion the woman had done anal before and could easily accommodate me. But I still found it not only painful but also a right old turn off. And that was that.

The final time was just a few months ago with the wife. This time we did our homework and did all the necessary “prep work” before hand But again it just didn’t do anything for me and I soon ended the idea.

So yeah, watching a girl getting plugged up the arse looks good on film, but the reality is far far different – at least for me.

Nominated by Technocunt.

86 thoughts on “Anal Sex”

  2. Christ, I shudder to think about the comments this nomination is going to produce.

  3. Christ, I shudder to think about the comments this nomination is going to produce.

  4. Agree wholeheartedly with this nom.

    Anal is very much over rated.

    I’ve done it twice in my life with ex girlfriends and it was shit both times (no pun intended)

    It’s a turn off in porn flicks as well.

    A pussy is for fucking and an arse is for shitting.

  5. Good Morning

    If the Good Lord had meant us to indulge in anal sex he wouldn’t have made shit so unpleasant.

    • Morning WS…I think Kevin Spacey and Marc Almond would disagree with you.
      One can only imagine the disgraceful filth they’ve subjected themselves to.

      • Good Morning Tom

        They may disagree but they would be wrong.

        I have plenty of mates who advocate a bit of back door action but only one who described his winkle coming out covered in shit. That put me off for life.

  6. Never had anal sex, even though I reckon at least two of my past girlfriends were likely up for it. Saying that I the find idea unappealing is a massive understatement.

  7. I love it with a naughty girl who is up for it.

    Has to be gentle though. None of this pounding away like a jackhammer you see in specialist gentlemen’s movies.

    That looks painful for all involved.

    • Bacterial transfer from rear to front can’t be discounted if not fully johnnied ? Partial to a spot of rimming though.Why should the lezzers get that pleasure (assuming hygiene is top notch) as a default ?

  8. Just remember to use tons of lube.
    That way, when a chap is bumming a lady in the missionary position, he can super-lube her pussy too, gently and carefully get his hand in there and, essentially, wank himself off inside her body.

      • I knew Thomas wouldn’t disappoint.

        Morning Thomas!

        Ever pulled out of a ladies bottom and found a brown tidemark round your old chap with a bit of tomato skin stuck in your hog’s eye?

    • Indeed, Thomas.
      And who could forget the Beatles tribute to anal sex that was broadcast live around the world in 1967:

      All you need is lube
      All you need is lube
      All you need is lube, lube
      Lube is all you need

    • The terrifying thing is I think Thomas is being entirely serious.

      At least the lady was still alive. I think?

      • Thomas must have a ‘s’ shaped nob and all to bum a bird in the missionary position. And a hoist to suspend them from the ceiling, which no doubt he has come to think of it 🫣

  9. A dear mate of mine sent a short video of a young ” lady” doing the rising trot on a well lubed traffic cone up her tradesmens or should it be tradesperson entrance along with the obligatory camera shot of a gaping black hole. I bet her turds dont nip off nicely anymore.

  10. The medical name for the muscle up the arse is a ‘nipsy’.

    It is a one way valve that lets the shit out but nothing in.
    That way you can sit in a bath or go swimming without filling up.

    Nipsy trauma is when that valve has been used in reverse.
    Shit falls out unexpectedly and the sufferer can no longer produce meaningful farts.

    It’s vital that you don’t try to fight nature.

    • That’s why gay or tranny porn stars ending up with jam rags up there as they need something to hold it all in as they will suffer with anal prolapse due to the degenerate activity.

  12. It used to be good fun with the Mrs thirty years back but can’t be arsed any more..

    Good morning gents

  13. It wasn’t until I discovered Is A Cunt that I realised what a sheltered life I’ve led.

    • Indeed Geordie.

      Ex-IsAC cunter Black and White Cunt would have loved this nomination. He loved tonging arseholes and then telling us all about his debauchery.

      • It’s educational if nothing else. I am particularly indebted to Professor Cunt Engine for illuminating myself (and I suspect many others) on the many facets of human sexual depravity. Surely such dedication to academic study (including all the practical work involved) should be recognised with an award in the next New Year’s Honours List.

  14. This bumming women is a route to damnation.
    Before you know it your a fully fledged sodomite
    On your way to Brighton in a feather boa and satin hotpants.

    I refuse to take sexual health tips from Dr Cunt Engine
    And may God have mercy upon his soul.

    • Do you reckon he has been on Embarrassing Bodies with genital warts or some boils? Fruity Dr Jessen would be more than keen to take a look.

      • Oh without a shadow of a doubt LL.

        Thomas is built like a west country Golem,
        All sinew , bone , and whip-like reflexes.

        He’s put his winky and immortal soul in serious jeopardy most of his life.

        No doubt picking up all sorts of bordello maladies.

        Knobrot
        Brasses warts
        Pubic Sea monkeys
        Spotted nudger

        The works

      • I missed it but my daughter told me about an episode where the hapless punter went on national television because his arsehole was itching like mad.
        The good Dr Jessen who was sporting a stiffy in anticipation of spreading the cunt’s cheeks nearly puked his ring ( pun intended)
        when it became abundantly clear that the diagnosis was simply that the “ I’d do anything to get on tv” weirdo was incapable of wiping/washing his shit-encrusted natal cleft.

  15. It’s Weird getting to this Topic seeing we just Discussed Katie Price

    She is one major Arsehole

    I Bet Katie’s Arse is like a clowns Pocket

  16. What happens to the sperm cells that would, ordinarily, have made their way towards the egg?
    How far up do they swim? Or do they get absorbed into the body, thereby temporarily raising a lady’s common sense, understanding of the the internal combustion engine and ability to parallel park.
    Or do the sperm cells, after repeated additions to their ranks during a very saucy weekend, form a sort of conglomeration and then rudimentary society in her bowels, like a Dr Seuss book?

  17. Mate of mine once claimed that he was indulging in a bit of bum love with a young lady and on pulling out found remnants of sweetcorn on his bell end.

    • That was a gold nugget. It’s a reward a chap receives when he successfully manages to capture and bum a leprechaun.

  18. That this discourse is taking place on a Sunday morning, is an outrage.

    Cromwell would be horrified.

    Now I must get ready for church.

    Good morning.

      • @Thomas. I’ll bet that Katie Price has had to have loads of corrective surgery on her bottom.

        There must have been numerous occasions when a lust filled Harvey has bent the steel bars on her bedroom door, in the middle of the night and driven his grossly enlarged, baby’s arm sized spunk cannon into her fragrant back bottom.

  19. Thanks admin. First the luvvverrllly Katie Price and now Anal. You do spoil us.

    I think I’ve got the Sunday morning horn.

  20. So typical of admin to schedule this discrete / explicit nomination at breakfast time!

  23. An ex once asked if we could have it the other way.
    Don’t blame me if you get pregnant says I.

  24. Agree. Tried it three times too with different birds. Overrated.

    Fannie’s are designed for shagging. Arses for shitting.

    Too tight for me and you get bits of shite on your bellend. Just asking to get a nasty ‘bacterial infection’. Which the gays get quite a lot I hear, but that never gets taught to kids in sex ed, where gay bumming is as healthy as eating salad or jogging in the clean air of the Swiss countryside. As clean as a man covered in Dettol walking through a sterile operating theatre, innit.

    Stop bumming your birds (and wives ffs!), you filthy animals!

  26. My mates wife works as a sexual health nurse at the local hospital and told him (in confidence) that occasionally men who are light on their feet would have to get their arses packed out with sanitary stuff to soak up the leakage.

    Breakfast time now!

  27. Good anal-ysis.
    You really got to the bottom of things.
    Hit a bum note with some people.
    What a pain in the arse.

  28. Well, we live and learn. I’ve never pushed my old chap up a woman’s Gary before.
    I’ve smashed the missus back doors in on multiple occasions but only rhetorically as I still only aim for the hole that I’m happy to eat my breakfast from.

  30. Never could understand the appeal of it. I buggered a bird years ago and it didn’t end well. After pulling it out my knob it was caked in brown fudge , she also shat herself all over my nice new Asda sheets. The whole affair was very undignified especially for her.
    Why fuck a bird in the arse when theirs a perfectly good pussy in the front ?

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