Fanny That’s Been Around The Block

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As a noted old cunt and older than most I seem to be in some demand as a wedding guest and on one recent occasion as a best man. Various nieces and nephews have posted me what these days counts as an invite, a little card with dried flowers, ribbons and similar sentimental shit glued to it alongside a wedding favour with a vicious pin to wear at the event. They all know – or should – that I do not do wedding presents and certainly never cash. What I do do, and only too happy, is to offer marital advice to either party free, gratis and pro bono. Words of wisdom based on over sixty years of hard earned experience in the yoke.

Thing that comes up time and time again is sloppy pussy. Disappointed groom is outraged at the lack of tactile sensation provided during the statutory wedding night. Despite having countless trial runs before point of sale, the poor punter wakes in the cold dawn of the morning after listening to his beloved’s snores and is hit by the realisation that there are more than two in this relationship. Probably all of his mates and most of the lads down the pub have trod that well travelled path. Nobody expects virginity in these modern times but going down the betrothal/engagement/marriage route at least implies some sort of exclusive contract. 

The heady implosion of Young Love. Fury and Outrage, a wish to do Violence (alright you can kick her out of bed and then pretend you are dreaming) but no my son, “Welcome to the con”.

Love, Marriage – what is that?

Life’s great deception. A life time marriage only works by mutual agreement, mutual blindsiding one’s mutual peccadillos (nothing to do with Michael Portillo) and getting on with it. EG: she does not tidy your porn stash or change your passwords and you do not open her little parcels from Ebay. Extramaritales? Whatever you can get away with and vice versa but do make sure all valuable items including the house and car are in your name for later convenience.

Have spent some time in India where a bride’s price is dependent upon whether she is intacto or not. Needless to say many dodgy quacks are available to do hymen or ‘fanny repairs’. They advertise in most main newspapers as do ‘certified intact’ brides seeking men of good family.

Where have all the virgins gone? (After Pete Seeger)
Long time passing
Where have all the virgins gone?
Long time ago.
Where have all the flowers gone?
The guys have picked them every one.
Oh, When will you ever learn?
Oh, When will you ever learn?

durexindia

Nominated by : Somehow this has been lost – own up if you will

102 thoughts on “Fanny That’s Been Around The Block”

    • Remember reading it when originally submitted,
      Noticed he’d fluffed the fifth line of the poem,
      Where he must have meant to write “virgins” not “flowers”.

  3. Sounds like Sir Limply to me…….bragging about poking Katie Price. Or maybe her mother.

  5. There can be few things more disheartening than to find one doesn’t even touch the sides at a new point of entry. One is left to ponder how many have gone before, or is one simply dimensionally challenged?
    Ah well, no point in worrying about it. Get the job finished and move on.

    Excellent nomination by whoever.

    • You can possibly get a divorce on the grounds of it not touching the sides from a DNA test these days.

    • Reminds me if a very old joke.

      Rastus is getting married to Emylou. Winston says “hey Rastus, I hear that Emylou has a cunt like a bucket”.
      Rastus says “don’t worry Winston, it’ll stretch.”

  7. I think the mystery poster has a point.
    Marriage is know longer an innocent affair.
    The question usually avoided by both partners but should be asked
    “what do you bring to this marriage”
    A contract as such before either person becomes a dissatisfied moody head wrecking cunt during the course of marriage and it goes tits up with solicitors and money down the drain.
    I will remain single.

  8. It’s either a Miles nom or Sir Limply. I would guess the latter because Miles is a Puritan butter-wouldn’t-melt kind of person.

  9. I used to love a big sopping wet fanny❤️❤️

    Like a split open binbag full of liver.

    Fuckin marvelous!

    This is when I was single and a right dirty young cunt.

    Nowadays I like what I’m told😁

  10. ” how to know if a girl is a virgin”

    She has just had her cock removed..
    So you are definitely the first..

    • The wife does pilates regularly. She also does something called (I think) Kegels exercises, and boy, they keep her tighter than a nun’s arse.

      The best bit is that she’s really proud about how long she can do ‘contract and release’ rhythms for; what a way to blow your wad.

  13. Sounds like the poster might have an unfortunately undersized tinkle.
    There’s a simple solution, of course. Take out your micro-peened frustration on the young lady’s bumhole instead.
    Unless I’ve gotten to her first with my chainmail anal fisting gauntlet.
    Which reminds me – I ought to give it a quick rinse under the tap. It’s starting to whiff a bit.

    • I trust the rented car and apartment under a false alias were deep cleaned before you returned to the UK.

      Did you wear a raincoat like Patrick Bateman?
      I bet you did, didn’t you?

  14. I don’t like tight or bald fannies.
    I’m not Stuart Hall

    I once did a fat bird,
    Her Clam was like a velvet mitten !

    Sublime.

    I couldn’t be doing with these dry anorexic types,
    I like ripeness in a woman

    • Afternoon MNC, how goes it?
      Did you do her Snoop Doggy Dogg-style to avoid having to lift her gut out of the way?

      • Welcome back, Thomas!

        You have returned ISAC back to its usual low-level of disgustingness and depravity that we have missed so much in your absence.

      • Thanks TC…I’ll redouble my efforts and really plumb the depths of degeneracy.
        I did actually make my ISAC chums a quick video from up a spectacular mountain which I’ll upload to YT tomorrow.

      • Wasn’t Ted Bundy a fan of running through the mountains when up to his shenanigans?

        Don’t be posting any snuff shite lad.

    • Biggest lady I’ve ever been with was a size 14 which was mainly because of her hips and arse.

      I’ve been with a skinny lass before who was a size 8 and I was worried I was going to accidentally crush her.

      I’m not massive but in decent shape and weigh about 13 & half stone.

      • Size 14? That’s slim for most birds these days, at least along the South Coast.

        They don’t want sex, just chips and cake..

  15. Fucking hell, this post is a bit wild.

    Wives are two types.

    The first type listens to her husband, understands his thoughts, always behaves lovingly and even if the husband is angry, keeps smiling.

    The second type is the one everyone has.

  16. Alright Thomas 👍

    The yanks deport you?
    Had fun?
    You wanted in a couple of states?

    Glad to see you back!

    No mention of a present I noticed

    • It was fucking amazing thanks, MNC.
      Lots of hiking in moutains, forests and canyons. The scenery is almost out of this world beautiful. I went all the way round Colorado and some of Utah.
      I did get you a present actually, but it was confiscated by the TSA at Denver airport. Turns out the authorities don’t like you zipping up a 20 year old wetback into a suitcase and trying to smuggle her through customs.
      I thought they’d be grateful…one less beaner clogging up their country.
      Maybe I should’ve posted her to Northumberland instead.

      • Get your bumhole inspected by little grey blokes while hiking around Utah. Seems to be a popular pastime out that way?

  17. Give me a sloppy one over a dry itchy one any day.

    And preferably one that’s in the possession of a woman that’s been struck dumb.

    Ethel never shuts the fuck up.

    Even when she’s asleep.

    She’s got to fucking go.

    Before I retire, next year.

    Any ideas ?

    Answers on a postcard please.

    Thanks awfully 👍

    Good afternoon.

    • Afternoon Jack. I’ll take her.
      How much?
      I’ve got big plans and need to expand my harem.

    • All this talk of sloppy seconds has put me right off any thoughts of ordering a Chinese or Indian takeaway tonight!

      Thanks, cunts!

    • Decades ago I knew a girl who gave me every opportunity to make a woman of her. She had tits to die for. Her family didn’t originate in this country and meetings had to be kept secret. She knew nothing about what was involved in losing her virginity and didn’t believe me when I told her. I restrained myself from going all the way because I knew it could ruin her life when she eventually married. And because her brothers would have cut my throat. i expect she’ll now be middle-aged and fat with a load of kids.

      • My grandad’s take on women of a certain persuasion;

        ‘by the time they’re 30, they’re all fat as fuck and twice as ugly’.

        (or was it ‘ugly as fuck and twice as fat’?).

  18. Definitely Sir Limply. Reference to India. Must have been a colonial family.

    Must have moved in fairly high circles back then so would have regarded himself (in the modern terminology) as a ‘high value male’ where ‘body count’* mattered.

    *That’s previous sexual partners Mr.C-E. Not bodies under the patio.

    Well it mattered to us lowly bods as well. But it was hammered out by Feminism.

    Chasteness is making a comeback though.

  20. Theres nothing worse than chaining yourself to some dishonest slag who has the morals of an ally cat and a higher body count than fucking Rambo, she has been ridden more times than the local bus, after the years wasted thanks to being trapped by affore mentioned whoooer, we had a family, i played the game, put up with all the crap she sent my way, until luckily me as all hohoho,s always do she fucked some other guy and we got divorced.
    Since then she has fucked her way through half of Wales and as i understand it is about to be going on a cruise , the laugh is she now has met a new guy who i strongly suspect knows none of this, and is looking to put a ring on it, do you recon he would if he knew that she has laid more pipe than super Mario, has had a mile of cock, more pricks than a cons club dart board and is rivalling Katie Price for bucket slops and thats before she slides her way onto the boat that rocks or will be once she is on it.
    Had i not met my present love i would never have risked getting into that situation again and would happily have stayed single.
    The moral of the story is no fucker needs,wants or deserves have a well used bike in their lives, you will never trust them and if you dont have trust you dont have anything, so avoid, avoid,avoid life is to short to waste time with some mongrel slapper who managed to trap you into the best part of your life and thanks to the new guy she isnt giving me a hard time these days, leave the sloppy slapper to someone else if you know whats good for you…./

  22. I remember my wedding reception with Mrs Fistula the 1st.
    My uncle Joe approached me with words of wisdom . He said i bet you love her so much that you could eat her, in ten years time you will wish you fuckin had dear boy.
    He was partially right , i served eight years with that cock happy money obsessed bitch.

    • cock-hungry, money obsessed bitches?
      Lots of them in our neck of the woods Fenton.

      I’ll add sarcastic, condescending, narcissitic, histrionic and generally obnoxious.

  25. My problem is that i have always been drawn to filthy slags i just got bored with good girls.
    Went out with this bird in my 30’s who loved swingers party’s. That’s the sort of bird that drove me insane with lust.But she left me skint and broken hearted , she was a filthy harlot and i got what i deserved for being with her.

    • I used to like wild rock chicks when younger.

      Wilder the better.

      And was tapping a groupie who was backstage with a few famous bands.

      Nowadays she’s like a bouncy castle,
      Dead fat
      Married and pretends butter wouldn’t melt 😁

      • Fed Zeppelin

        Rolling Scones

        Buns and Roses

        Fleetwood Big Mac.

        I bet she loved all the classics.

  27. I quite like a dirty bird. Not fat though. Not tattooed up like an art project.
    Now it’s all loud minxes. Lewd yes, not loud.

  28. My late partner used to do this howling like a wildcat in season thing.
    She said it was to annoy our very nosey neighbours.

    I’d be in the garage, trying to figure out why the fucking bike wouldn’t start and she’d be howling like a wolf.

    Mind, I did wonder why the window cleaner left his ladders in the front so often.

  29. Trouble with vaginas is they are attached to a cunt. I used to love women, now I just see a whole load of earache and strife.

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