Santander

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The sad lack of customer service is a cunt.

I recently had a nice pay rise on my pension. Being a tight cunt I was looking at doing a regular savings gig for myself and ‘er indoors. Santander had one such offer on. You can invest up to £200 pounds a month for a year at 6% interest. I went down to Exmouth and thought pop in to the bank and enquire about the account. As Nat West is closing their branch in Exmouth I cannot get a face to face appointment until September.
I went home and rang the Honiton branch. Why don’t you go into Exeter and you can see someone there? The reason why I don’t want to go into Exeter is it will cost me £5 for either bus fare or parking. There are only three staff there in Honiton, including the transformer. No I didn’t want to deal with that cunt either. The either of the other two Doris’s would have suited.

So it looks like that idea is dead in the water then. Has any cunter any recommendations where I can invest £200 per month on a regular basis?

So I know £200 isn’t a earth shattering sum but there must be some fucking bank that would say oh yes please and thank you for investing with us.

trust pilot

Nominated by CuntyMort.

46 thoughts on “Santander”

  1. For two hundred a month you can run water pipes to sam beau’s mud hut, saving her the 50 mile round trip to the local bison piss hole.

    Or better still spend it on luxuries before this shitshow of a government come for it.
    To waste on undeserving cunts.

  2. What else would you expect from a bank that has Ant & Dec as its mascots?
    Good morning.

  3. I use the posh cunts at Hargreaves Lansdown. .

    Take a look at their active savings section..everything from easy access paying 4.5% to fixed rate savings bonds paying between 5 and 6%..

    I’ve used them for years and it’s all online (if that’s what you’re after) so very easy to deal with.

    In fairness other posh cunts are available.

    • I like Moggies suggestion below, but failing that a HL stocks and shares ISA direct debit. pick a company or sector you think will do well in the next 2 years. I suggest iShares UK property, might go down short term but decent chance of doubling up in a few years. If risk averse then premium bonds, only averages 4 point something percent, but outside chance of a big win, and easy to take sums out or add more when available. (in the first year each 1% of interest on £200 regular savings is worth about £12, though this will accrue with time. Remember that rates will be cut as soon as bank interest rates come down.) You will be taxed if savings account not an ISA. Almost forgot to say Fuck!

    • Dinghies might be a good investment, Moggster. Unless of course some Afgan cunt is combing the Kentish beaches and re-cycling them.

      • I wouldn’t save the first 200, but go down the fancy dress shop.
        Get a French Gendarmes uniform.
        Well worth the investment, as the UK government will then pay you subsidies to sit in your car, drinking coffee and watching migrants set off from the Dunkirk beaches.

        Either that, or buyvyouself an orange lifevest, drape an old towel over your head and jump aboard a boat.
        3 squares a day, free hotel room and 70 a week spending money. Rent out your own house while you wait till election time and they’ll grant you citizenship without checks.
        You can then get a ‘job’ cash in hand at a turkish ‘barbers’.
        No taxes and just watch your pension grow – happy days 🙂

  6. After a year, you too could have your own bespoke Country Cream gates.

    (migrant installation labour not included. See T&C’s)

  7. Have a look on money saving expert or money supermarket.com.
    A lot are online so might be a pain to prove who you are.
    And never trust a company who have a red dog turd as their symbol.

    • Is that what it is?

      I thought it was steam coming off the puddle of piss, while waiting for the phone to be answered.

  8. First direct, 12 month regular saver 7% amounts between 25 and 300

    Or, one whore per month or one every two months if you want better quality 😂

  9. I give the dago owned Santander a wide berth. It, along with The Halifax is always festooned with that rainbow and BLM shit. Fuck off,

    • i have had this argument with the Santander twats on many occasions. Always told them if they don’t like it, I and the money are going up the road to another bunch of cunts. When they check the account balances rapid backpedalling.

  11. The banks abolished customer service years ago. Our experience I believe to be typical. I opened a current account with Barclays in 1970 when I was eighteen. All ran sweetly and when we married in 1974 we made it a joint account. When we were about to move to another house in 1979 we were in the usual chain of people moving. On a Sunday evening we discovered that the chain was about to fall apart. I phoned our Barclays branch on the following morning and asked for a bridging loan. The manager phoned me back same afternoon and said we had the loan which was open ended because we had no date for completion. Five years later when we were in a stronger financial position we asked the same bank for a much smaller loan which certainly would not have been open ended. I received a phone call in the car to tell me the loan was refused. We abandoned Barclays.

    • I had a similar experience with them, My old man opened an account at Barclays Hackney branch for me in 1962 when I was 8. The account was kept in good order.About 10 years ago I asked for a temporary (2 month loan) to pay a tax bill and the chap behind the counter looked at my accounts and said no problem, they’re fine and said just need to check with the computer which had a direct contact with Experian. I was turned down. I then logged onto Experian to find out the problem and had to sign up for £14 a month to get any information. Experian deserve a cunting all of their own, a truly parasitic company.
      In the end I spoke to my tax office and they gave me 6 months interest free to pay it and I paid it the following month.

    • Modern business all seems to run:

      Customer: Can I…?
      Company: No.
      Customer: (heads for the door)
      Company: Why are you leaving?

  12. Move your money to Coutts. You get a better class of cunt banking there.
    As long as your values align, of course.

  13. Hello my friend, I am simon the rightful King of Nigeria..

    For 200 a month I can arm my freedom fighters and take back my country.

    Once back as the ruler I will grant you rights to our vast mineral wealth..

    Please send me your banks details online, or we can meet personally as I have just arrived in Dover.

  15. When my father died, I was advised to open an executor account.
    So off i trot to my local NatWest, where even the manager didn’t know what I was on about
    She did however, offer me some account that cost £10 a month, but it did offer discounts on cinema tickets and at Frankie and Benny’s.
    The incompetence and insensitivity was staggering.
    To be fair, one irate phone call got me what I wanted pretty smartish, but the fact remained that the branch manager knew how to sell ‘products’, but not how to provide a service.
    That was twelve years ago. Fuck knows what they’re like now.

  16. Aren’t Santander the fucks that close accounts and cancel customers just because they dare to say that they don’t agree with all that LGBTQ Pride bollocks?

    You could be putting a hundred grand into Santander. But if you said in the queue, just casually ‘Why all this pandeing to gays? Veterans don’t get this, do they?’
    Wallop, you are grassed on and officially cancelled for ‘hate crimes’ and ‘rampant toxic homophobia’.

    They are bastards, so I’ve heard.

    • I opened an ISA with them a few years ago, ready to deposit cash when the new financial year opened.

      When I went to make my first deposit, they told me they had no record of my opening an account, and that I’d have to do it again from scratch.

      I told them if they couldn’t be trusted to get something as simple as opening an account done properly, I wasn’t going to trust them with my cash, and went to the Skipton BS instead.

      Santander strike me as bastards, and incompetent bastards at that.

  17. What makes me laugh about banks is that you (in effect) lend money to them, but they act as tho they’re doing you a favour.

    When I become the dictator of the world, Unkle Terry’s oven won’t be big enough to hold all those involved in the ‘financial services’ sector.

    (not to mention politicians, the woke, luvvy celebrities, burglars, the Markles, flies and wasps, dandelions, dingy divers…).

  18. My business account is with ‘Tha’tander.

    The on-line banking facility is like something built on a 1978 Tandy TRS-80 platform. Utter wank and useless for interrogating even the most basic enquiries, i.e. a particular client’s payments between date A and date B.

    As well as making a shed load of cash with investing the large sum of money I have in there as a war chest, they have the cheek to charge me £36 a month for banking with them.

    If a client issues a cheque, I can’t even get it put into the business account in one of their branches – I have to pay into to the Post Office instead. What kind of crazy shit is that?

    Will be swapping the whole business over to Starling shortly.

  19. I’m sorry Cuntymort,
    But Santander is a dossers bank.

    For big issue sellers and people in halfway houses.

    A gentleman like you should bank with Coutts like what I do.

    I see that Nigel Farage in there.
    Putting a big jar of coppers in the Cointel machine!

    “Aye up! It’s Two BoB Nige!”

    I say as a joke,
    Shame though really.
    He’s not got a pot to piss in.

    Lines his shoes with cardboard.

    That’s why I signed his GB news petition to just keep cash.
    Poor cunt paying in 2ps in Aldi from a carrier bag..

  20. Fully agree with this cunting. A few years back Santander fucked up my savings account. I rang and made an appointment to discuss.

    When I turned up for the appointment I was met by the teenage meet and greet dolly – who turned out to be the branch manager! She informed me that Santander don’t do appointments so I asked her why they gave me one. Er….. splutter…. sputter…..!

    She told me the girl that deals with the issue was busy so I’d have to come back another day. I informed her that I was going to stay where I was and if I had to wait more than 5 minutes I was going to start shouting…. loudly.

    She told me if I did that I would be removed. I replied then I’ll stand on the pavement outside the door and shout even louder. 2 minutes later they found someone to deal with me. I was then informed that they couldn’t deal with me as I had no proof of identity. Apparently the letter from them I was holding wasn’t sufficient. Refer back to previous paragraph for remedy.

    The manager / greeting totty then informed me that they would close my account as I was being unreasonable. I stood there until they did so and insisted on a cash withdrawal. Then I walked across the road and paid it in to Nationwide – also cunts but that’s another story…

    I now refuse to have anything to do with these fuckers. If they offered me 200%APR I’d still put my money somewhere else.

    If you want instant access, try Saga at 4% or Charter Savings for 1 year fixed at 6% but that’s a lump sum. Dealt with both of them for years and they actually know their onions.

    On a side issue, I won’t deal with Tesco Bank, First Direct or Virgin whose only differential is the depth of their cuntitude…

  22. Nationwide.

    Open an account online in 10 minutes.

    You need a webcam and a driving licence.

    You get a current and savings account

    I did it a few months ago when I was Faraged by my bank of 30 years

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