The sort who constantly go on about how wonderful they are (or think they are), or what they possess.
Example, my mother’s gentleman friend. He’s a decent enough bloke, but he fits into this category.
Whatever the conversation, he’ll always turn it into something about himself or his family.
He’ll bore me to death rabbiting on about how wonderful and successful his children and grandchildren are, or what fabulous homes or jobs they have.
Wherever you’ve been, he’s been, or knows someone who owns property there.
Whatever ailment you’ve had, he’s also had it and much worse than you.
Makes supposedly humorous comments and then laughs out loud as if he’s made the funniest joke in history.
I won’t call him a cunt, since he’s generally a decent bloke, but he irritates the fuck out of me. However if my old mother is happy with him then that’s ok, fortunately I don’t see him all that much.
Nominated by : mystic maven
Good nom.
But I have written better.
55
As I stand on the plum slate garden path I take a sip of my exclusive coffee from a artisan made mug and stroke my chiseled jawline,
Ponder your nom,
And think.
No.
I don’t know anyone like that.
34
I thought of having plum slate for the driveway to my mansion but opted for carrara marble.
Horrendously expensive of course.
12
…….and anyone who claims to have a country cream gate is a fucking bullshitter.
16
All the times I’ve been over new mills I’ve never seen it ,unless it’s marked out by the panzer division
4
Just back from walking dog. Trouble closing my country cream gate to the back of my estate. Will have to see the handyman
10
I initially read that as “see to the handyman” – I thought you were Lady Chatterly!
3
In the Royal Navy such persons are referred to as black caters. You mention your black cat and they say that they have one too only theirs is bigger and blacker.
9
Ffs , it’s catter not cater. Fucking phone.
6
Black caterer is Ainsley Harriot.
22
Black caterers seem common in the US Navy. Never F-18 pilots or weapons officers. They”re in bowels of the ship cooking up chow.
3
Caters ffs !
You’d think that my Solid gold ,diamond encrusted Apple 23 would not fuck my spelling .p
10
Caters ffs !
You’d think that my Solid gold ,diamond encrusted Apple 23 would not fuck my spelling .p
3
Caters ffs !
You’d think that my Solid gold ,diamond encrusted Apple 23 would not fuck my spelling .p
4
And stop you stuttering.
20
Fffffuuccckkk ooofff
11
Too much coffee, or not enough?
5
We all like to dream and fantasise, I like to think we live in the greatest country in the world.
Full of the finest hard working, law abiding citizens then I snap out of it and think did I lock all my doors and windows.
14
Why not check the app on your mobile to see if all your windows and doors are locked?
They are connected to WiFi I take it.
4
No need either my butler or personal chef will deal with it.
6
I’ve a customer who is dead flash.
Nice bloke, but likes you to see he’s doing well.
He was nearly pissing his pants to show me his new Bentley!
But suppose he’s just happy to be doing well?
He always gives me a good tip which makes me very forgiving of his shameless showing off.
He’s the bloke who said to me
” Oh we’ve just had a few weeks in Mauritius.
Have you ever been?
MNC – ” is it near Rhyl?”
Hehehe 😆
His fuckin face!
15
Morning MNC, I like to inverse brag, say to people that I’ve got a really rare car that I’ll turn up to a social event in…then turn up in my rare shit brown Allegro.
18
Morning Thomas👍
Yeah! I can see how that’d be good fun.
My love of outrageous bragging started as a little kid with Muhammad Ali.
” I’m so pretty!”
” I’m king of the world!”
My grandad (and others)
Hated him.
” Bleedin big-mouth!”
” Bloody show off”
But even as a little kid I got it.
He was saying it to get that reaction.
Winding people up.
Then insulting them.
“Joe Frazier’s so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of wildlife.”
“Joe Frazier’s so ugly that when he cries
The tears turn around and go down the back of his head”.
Genius.
10
“When he cries”, ho ho!
Not giving him the option of not crying.
Like when you’d say to your mate, “has your Mum ever caught you wearing her underwear and having a wank”
“No!”
“Oh, so you admit to wearing her underwear and having a wank, she just hasn’t caught you yet.”
9
Hey Thomas you have bragging rights if you own a running Allegro of any colour. Had a vintage and veteran car show at my local park few years back. The entrants that appeared to attract the most interest where a dark blue 1.8 tc Marina saloon and a mustard yellow Allegro both in near showroom condition
Even the Mk1 escorts were feeling neglected.
8
Morning BB…I fucking love a Marina! I’d have a purple mk1 if I had the room. I turned up to a classic Ford event in my mk2 Cortina, all the other Cortinas were in perfect condition and mine was muddy and rusty as fuck (engine runs like a swiss watch) and those snobby cunts didn’t want to talk to me, sad old bastards.
6
Smoking Joe had the last laugh, he used to laugh at the pitiful state of Clay and say I did that. Joe who lived in the same Philly slum teaching kids boxing the rest of his life there was only one Uncle Tom and it wasn’t Smoking Joe.
2
“… I like to inverse brag, my rare shit brown Allegro…”
lol, fucking right. A couple o’ mates have these fuck off knuckle duster Breitlings and (dog forbid) Rolex’s, thankfully they don’t conspicuously raise a forearm and ostentatiously ‘comfort rattle’ it but ne’ertheless I will not hesitate to point out that my 40yr old cheap ass Vostok Kommandierski mechanical is more exclusive…
“Errrr… say what? Chops, you’re talking bollocks”
“Ok, I’ll bet you that there fine sparkley spanking wanking Rolex that mine is the only watch in the room, in this street, with a genuine ‘in house’ movement.”
“So tell me, who made the movement in that Roly?”
“Well… errr… highly skilled short sighted gnomes on the shores of Lake Geneva … probably…”
“Nope… Rolex has all its main platter and bridge plates made in …duh duh durrrr… China.”
2
I havent owned a watch since the nineties.
1
I remember someone posting on a similar nom about a person who, if you said you’d been to Tenerife, would claim to have been to Elevenerife.
It made me laugh then, and still does today. Braggarts, got to love them for their comic value.
13
The roof of my mud hit is made from armadillo carapaces trimmed with spiny echidna fur. And I have a white rhino rug.
15
Fucking uppity yuppie!
0
I’ll call him a cunt.
Cunt!
4
It’s just a second childhood. When we were nippers we used to boast about our usually non-existent sexual adventures and about how ‘our Dad would beat up your Dad’. As we get older we boast about where we have been, what property we own and, finally, what medical conditions we suffer from. MM’s Mum’s new boyfriend is just trying to impress him.
Fucking hell! That was all a bit understanding and touchy-feely. A bit Marj Proops, if you like. Perhaps I need a lie down. He is probably just a conceited bigot who needs his fucking face rearranged.
Good morning, everyone.
4
When I was a kid, it was the other kids who said my dad could beat up their dad.
3
This particular subject I’m well versed on, especially after having a father who romanced in telling porkies of his time in the army when stationed on Malta, where he fried eggs on the rocks because of the heat and snakes in caves. The only subject I’m most certain of that was never spoken about was the amount of brothers and sisters that will now be roaming that Island today.
There was a factory I worked at in the 70s, where we all gathered round a table at break times discussing the previous nights TV and there was as in all work places a college who had seen every film under the sun that was mentioned. This one time we decided to take the piss by making up a film title and putting all the actors we could think of who have never worked together in their lives and this lying bastard said he had watched it.
10
Facebook is a gift from the gods for life’s show offs.
People with perfect husbands or wives.
Perfect high achieving children.
Perfect homes.
Perfect friends and social lives.
Perfect holidays in supposedly exotic locations that only they have discovered.
Yet I take comfort in the knowledge that people like that often have a big hole in their lives, something missing.
They are certainly fucking annoying though.
7
‘Perfect friends and social lives.’
Not if they add me or my brother as friends.
Their lies and bullshit get exposed.
Fake bastards.
6
‘Humility is truth’ said St Teresa of Avila. I am full to the brim of humility me.
I never ever think of myself.
I have devoted my whole life to the well-being of others.
When I get to Heaven I will be in the top tier. Up there with Mother Teresa and Saint Francis of Assisi.
I am so glad I will be dead at my funeral because of all the wailing and crying and tearing of hair out at my passing.
I feel sorry for other people because they will never ever be as Good as me.
8
I have a regular customer too like Miserable’s post above, nice bloke really and loves his Porches. He looks like a bit of Ken doll with his perfect teeth and year-round tan (off to the Caribbean next week), trophy wife and big house with a stunning garden, obviously. I always joke with someone who knows him that he launders money for the Mafia because I have no idea what he does and is a few years younger than me.
Doesn’t have any Country Cream gates though, fucking peasant.
10
Among a group of us thrown together by the malevolence of HM Forces, there was one of those blowhards. We went for a curry, and of course he was giving us details of how hot he liked his curry. This was in the days of reasonably authentic Indian restaurants. We got him a plate of raw chillies and invited him to demonstrate, which he was pissed enough to do. He didn’t say another word. In fact, he couldn’t…
7
I remember a friend of mine feeling imagined peer pressure so.much he ordered a vindaloo at 16 and had never eaten in an Indian restaurant.
He claimed he’d polished off but all he’d done was pick or the chicken.
The silly thing is only one other lad had orded a vindaloo and my mate took it as a challenge. I stuck with usual for the time, the Lamb rogan.
He was still suffering as my girfriend at the time tried some of the sauce with a naan and ended up eating half..
Ive since developed a love of hot food but of the four people I know can easily take hotter food than me, three have been women.
3
Yeah, but don’t forget that when women have a shower the water is hot enough to blister paint.
4
I had a Tindaloo in the Koh-I-Noor, Conduit St., down the side of Leiicestwr station. The waiter resembled Kenneth Williams, in a greasy black nylon jacket, a button here and there attached with fuse wire. His accent was sort of Ken Williams Welsh Stanley.
That curry was fuckin lethal, I drank pints of warm water with sodium bicarb, and ended up with arse like Jap flag. The acronym SLUDGE described the horrific aftermath perfectly.
Don’t I have the literary skills of a Trollope?
1
Might add that another Services acquaintance was from Sri Lanka, or Ceylon as it was then known. A bag of really high-octane chillies went wherever he went and in moments of stress he would get one out and chew it whole. The wise did not accept his offer to share.
4
I was a piss head and yob in my younger years, sometimes I tell people about it, nobody is impressed.
I couldn’t give a fuck.
7
When one is blessed with good looks and charm such as myself for instance, I don’t find the need to brag as its given that I everything I could possibly need
People tend not to hold me up for too long as they tend to be overcome by the oozing charisma and simply cannot compare, I smile bidding them goodbye.
“Simon, you haven’t forgotten the Imperial Leather this time”
Sometimes I have to do everything for myself.
3
I’ve got a bigger prostate than any of you.
Afternoon all.
11
Bad luck mate.
3
I’ve known a few of these bores. Luckily ive always been able to simply never see them again, apart from one who was just tragic.
A very insecure man who was always trying to be the smartest in the room and a real Walter Mitty.
‘When i’ve sold my books and a millionaire…’9
The stuff he used to boast about was fucking cringe-inducing. Hetting a high score while watching University Challenge.
He used to call himself a genius.
Perhaps because nobody else would.
2
*getting
1
I’ve known a few like this too. They’ve got low self esteem and compensate by bulling themselves up all the time. Like lighthouses they pump out the same message non-stop, and it’s inevitable that you get tired of hearing it. Going abroad? They’ve been there, or a bit further. They’ve had better jobs than you, better cars than you, better televisions. Something makes they feel inadequate so they’re desperate to impress, and they don’t realize how embarrassingly obvious it is to others.
3
“Lord” Archer, by any chance?
0
Opposite end of the socio-economic spectrum, to be fair.
I think that’s where a lot of the insecurity came from.
His problem was that he had no excuses for his failure as his brother was an executive at a large industrial firm and lived in Chertsey. That’s why he was always bragging about nonsense. The saddest part was he thought he was fooling his mates but it was painfully obvious it was aĺl hot air.
The bloke had nothing to his name, didn’t drive, lived with his mum, spent 7 years out of work. He failed to finish his degree. He was supposed to spend the third year out of four working abroad but never bothered organising a placement and just spent his student loan drinking in
and between Portsmouth and Brighton. This meant he forfeited his final year of his degree and quit after running up a sizeable debt , although ive since discovered this is very common.
He would dish it out but couldnt stand anyone pointing out his failings. He was extremely defensive as he knew he was a bottom feeder.
0
I well remember the Dalai Lama prostrating himself to me and offering to resign immwdiately and give me the job.
But I was far too humble to accept.
3
Had one of these types as a temp at work, short, balding and fat and he never shut the fuck up.
Claimed he knew this person and that and never came up for air.
Thankfully i clocked him pretty quickly and stayed well away.
A few months later a workmate said he bumped into him and was asked to put in a good word for a job. Are you going to? says I.
No, he talks too much and smells like a tramp, came the reply.
2
I am considerably richer than yow.
2
Does that make up for coming from Brum?
0
Always sussed in the end, very hard to remember every detail of a bullshit tsunami.
Sometimes I have been tempted to slip a bit of bollocks in, luckily the truth fairy’s magic wand saved me from making a complete cunt of myself, To old and fucked up mentally and physically to bother about such shite though I will say that the number of ex paras, ex sas, ex sbs, ex Royal Marines ex that recon group in NI? Rangers , dangers underwater farriers that I have met over last 30 is rather large. Funny old World especially when I run out of meds on a bank holiday weekend.
3
Perhaps off-topic, but Danielle Wets out now has bangers like space hoppers, bigger even than Vordwrnorks’. The two problems are a) that she resembles a badly fucked-up Edwina Gizzard, and b) her face looks worse than ever, like a donkey:s balloon knot, complete with prolapse. I don’t think even the most depraved Abu Hook would go near her, she’d probably go into terminal fulmination and shit out.
1
Wetsnout…
Phone prefers Wets out…
0