While on a job yesterday I spied one of these things hanging on the wall of the garden room.
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
How profound. It sounds like the kind of gooey bullshit you would hear at the end of Oprah. I bet some poor cunt with asthma is thinking “I’ve hit the fucking jackpot!”. You can see them on TV too, maybe a ‘Love lives here’ or the classic ‘Home sweet home’ just before someone gets bludgeoned with an Eiffel Tower snow globe or the husband tells his wife he has been shagging the Dutch nanny.
God knows what the tiddleywinks who undoubtedly make all this rubbish think.
Family is family I suppose.
If you want to put a piece of over-sentimental chintzy shit on the wall, buy a Banksy but you will still look like a wanker.
Nominated by Liberal Liquidator.
They’re always pseudo spiritual or sort of guru shite aren’t they?
” Flow, be like water”….
Sort of stuff master Po would tell a young Caine in 70s TV series Kung Fu.
Shows they’re DEEP.
Very spiritual.
£4.99 eBay UK
19
How much to commission a 100 foot high one for the white cliffs that says “no more brown people thanks”.
In 25 different dialects, don’t want to accused of being racist now..
Morning all.
39
I like the old fashioned ones like ‘No trespassing’ or ‘Beware of the dog’. A millennial would burst into tears at the very sight.
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A simple “keep off the grass” triggers them into a nitro burning, fuel injected, turbo charged, mega spin.
7
Or as Clint Eastwood once said in the movie Gran Torino “Get the hell off my lawn you fucking Gooks!”
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What about those other old-fashioned ones; “no blacks, no Irish”.
Don’t see them as much around anymore.
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I remember one sign in New Moston when I was a lad Mickey.
It said
No Irish
No Blacks
No Dogs
No Theatricals (i.e: pooves)
6
People decorate their homes with the strangest things.
Enlarged photos made to look like oil paintings of their snot gobbling kids.
Horse brasses on fake, black oak beams.
Toby jugs.
Worthless ‘special edition’ plates.
Royal memorabilia.
Dinky toy cars.
Crocheted covers for their toilet roll.
It’s as if they have had a ‘good taste’ bypass.
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Nothing wrong with Dinky Toys AC !
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Or Rileys and Corgis either. I think I still have loads of them in the house somewhere. Best place to get them now is Hattons. Diecast vehicle specialists.
4
These things are much loved by mums of a certain type, along with those cheap and nasty montage photo frames full of family pics, minus absent fathers.
I’m tempted to produce my own line that perhaps may be nearer the truth.
HOME. lived in by the feckless. paid for by the tax payer.
FAMILY. we might not have much, but we’ve all got the latest iPhones.
LOVE. mum has loved all of our dads at some point or another.
The badge of the true chav. Available at all park key run shops and market stalls.
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An excellent cunting.
However, there are a few I find (somewhat) meaningful and have them posted in strategic places around “The Villa”:
On the front door; Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
In the kitchen; This isn’t Burger King. You don’t get it your way.
Over the bar; In God we trust. All others pay cash.
In the living room; Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Keep yours to yourself.
In the cellar; Silence is golden. Duct tape is gray.
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I like that last one…”Duct Tape is Gray”
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Burn them all
3
My gran had “God grant me patience but be quick” in the hall. I’ve the more traditional “No hawkers or Campbells” on my front door.
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You can’t go qrong with the vkassucs, Shackles. Simplicity is integral:
No Blacks
No Irish
No Pakîstankis
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*wrong
*classics
Too much ale watching the grouse cricket yesterday.
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The sign would also say NO DOGS. It used to make me laugh, to think they had a choice.
3
Reminds me of magnetic fridge stickers
I still have kept one though
Van Gough, the rest of them
2
I have the Pears soap anniversary fridge magnets, given away with every bar. I have them coupled with ones from VIZ. I find it a laughable contrast.
3
My own signage was removed following a visit from Plod.
Im afraid the term “dark keys” is now well known beyond this site.
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I have letter magnets on my fridge, one christmas i put ” merry christmas cunts” on it, when the family came over on the big day my mum tutted.
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My own favourite according to my family is
Fuck off and leave me alone
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I’d like to put that on my front door.
5
I saw this yesterday, while looking for knobs and knockers for me new front door.
https://www.gipsyhillhardware.com/product-page/go-away-door-knocker
It looks fugly, and costs an arm and a leg. But I like the sentiment.
0
I class them with the bullshit slogans you get from managment courses. There’s no I in team and suchlike horseshit.
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One of the ‘team leaders’ in a former workplace said that to me once and I replied that there is an i in bullshit. She was certainly full of it.
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You have 2 ears and only one mouth.
Listen more than you talk.
“Well you have 2 legs and only one head.
Perhaps you should stop thinking up so much bullshit and just fuck off more”.
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I would have told him there’s a “u” in cunt.
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My Paddy boss often said that. I’d respond with, there’s no I in team but there’s a u in cunt. The cheeky fucker replied, there’s also a u in unemployed.
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Smart Mick that cunt and there’s an I in, I Think
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Theres also an I in, Thinking on ones feet, boss
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Was it too late to reply with, there’s also a u in humour.
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There’s an “I” in Idiot…I should have read further.
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All my life some cunt has been trying to tell me what to do.
Do not enter/private
No swimming/danger!
Do the shake n vac!
Stop,look , listen!
Do the funky gibbon
Wash your hands
Wash your arse
No smoking!
No diving!
I’m fuckin sick of it.
Your not the boss of me!
So I don’t take advice from garden signage.
7
Klaus insists Mis, the message is clear
Paint your country cream gates to a rainbow collage
You know it makes sense and business will flourish having ticked the boxes
4
When you join the common market, stick an onion up yer bum.
From Private Eye in the good ole days, about 40 years or so ago.
Nowadays, I’d stick a ferret up Hislop’e arse, but he’d probably enjoy it, the dirty bastard.
3
Live
Laugh
Love
😐
8
Nothing wrong with amusing signage, just not the soppy and sentimental kind. Although I find that “inspirational” quotes in general are mostly cringe bollocks with little relation to reality, for those who struggle think originally for themselves.
3
Hamshankland have a sign in capital letters, to let you know where this certain crass place is. The second syllable is WOOD. What’s all that about ?
3
YOU’RE SHIT AND YOU KNOW IT
Good morning.
5
I have the letterbox sign most people have and does the postman take heed ? Does he fuck ! One day I’m going to take all their shitty leaflets back to the sorting office and see if they take note.
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Sirs:
“He who laughs last gathers no moss”
You’re welcome.
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My ballot paper at the next GE will have a few profound remarks
SINK THE BOATS
NET ZERO IMMIGRATION
WOMAN, ADULT HUMAN FEMALE
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At a place I once worked, one of the managers put up that fucking twee ‘There’s no I in team’ sign in the kichen, of which I responded to underneath, with my trusty marker pen, ‘But there’s U in cunt’.
They never discovered originator of the addition, and it caused the most welcome of upsets.
It was just a pity that I never got around to putting tapeworm eggs in the milk during my tenure.
I still chuckle in bed thinking about it.
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Wine me,
Done me
and
Sixty-nine me.
Disgusting
2
Any institution that finds it necessary to plaster the walls in slogans is in big fucking trouble. It reminds me of the Ministry of Truth in 1984. I notice that a certain immo bastard uses the walls of the London Underground for his own nefarious purposes.
Cunt.
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Dine, not Done…
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Damn. Damn, damn, damn. There goes my plan to have a plaque made – German Gothic script, 3ft high – to hang in full view of next door’s collection of fluorescent garden centre pot plants and fairy lights, saying simply “Fuck Off And Die” Or would such an application be acceptable in special circumstances? The cunt* only stopped short of having a plastic gazebo because there was no room left next to the fucking stupid pub umbrella thing. Maybe I could do it in Mandarin, and explain to anyone interested that it was a quotation from Confucius? Please?
*Whom I would have cunted long ago, but I have not yet found a link to do justice to the horror.
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We never had this sort of crap back in the day. Instead we had the Tretchikoff replica on the wall, the brandy glass with the porcelain cat and mouse, and the wax fruit bowl. The 70s had style. Take me back…..
5
No china ducks?
2
Oh yeah, my mum had them too Komodo. Like Hilda Ogden’s ‘Muriel’. And a few glass bottle lamps. My granddad was a master at the ships in bottles stuff. He also used to make lamps out of bottles. The Stones Ginger Wine green bottle one with the green velvet cover was a great one. He’d make a fortune on Ebay and Etsy now, bless his soul.
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Glad to hear it. My grandmother had a large collection of seaside china miniature odds and sods, collected during her time in touring light opera. These were in a cabinet of their own in the sacred front room, with the piano – and maybe that was responsible for the old man being obsessed by good taste and favouring bare walls. My best mate had china ducks. I’d have killed for china ducks…
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We`ve got flying ducks. They`re great!
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Don’t forget the onyx cigarette lighter , ciggie case and spinny ash tray. If you didn’t offer any visitor a ciggie in the front room then you were rightly labelled a cunt back then.
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Oh aye, those heavy ashtrays and the brass stand they went on. And the faux fur white rugs in front of the fire.
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Anyone still got the ‘Britvic pineapple’ ice bucket?
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All this along with patriotic crap is all made in China. Ironic.
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The family that hates together, stays together.
Thats what I want on my wall. In cross stitch
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One from Spine Millington’s The Bed-Sitting Room:
How dare you presume
To wet the bed
When there’s a
PO in the room?
Also,
Stretch and repent!
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