Horror films are cunts

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This may be a controversial cunting but i think it’s a long-held opinion of mine.

Horror films are cunts. They aren’t scary.
Most are laughable compared to the horror to be found in the real world.

I don’t understand the appeal of them. Slasher films sre populated by idiots you care nothing for. The gore fests ate silly and gratuitous, and you get much worse, real imagery in documentaries about medical procedures and trauma. Creature features are puppets with a bit of ketchup smeared on them or CGI patterns with a bad actor trying to react to them.

Suspense and that lingering chill are usually delivered far more adeptly by the psychological thriller with its slow build and more realistic characters.

Many of the ‘classic’ horror films of yesteryear look daft or are unmemorable. The Exorcist is the best example. Not a bad start, but by the time the pea soup is being shot out it really resembles a b-movie.

Modern horrors all use a very limited repetoire: weird kids, limbs with unnatural joints (dear God), the jump scare (usually no scarier than the flapping pigeons of John Glen’s Bond films), silly ‘diabolical’ screeching and the security cam/found footage gimmick. ‘Oh look it’s an unconvincing CGI spectre/creature/alien. Yes sorry my screams of terror just sound a lot like laughter. it’s really terrifying, honest’.

Return to Oz was more unsettling than most horror films of the past 50 years, and it was made for children.

Horror films. Largely shite.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.

129 thoughts on “Horror films are cunts”

  2. I haven’t been able to watch a single horror movie ever since ‘Carry On Screaming’ scared the shit out of me.

    • That fit Alvira-looking bird was sexy as fuck “Do you mind if I smoke?”. Classic.

    • Seriously Geordie, I can’t watch em, fucks my head up.

      The Event Horizon, fck me, I was cabbaged.

      • It would have been awesome if the studio hadn’t have shit itself and cut out all the hell footage.

      • @Chris

        Yeah I watched an interview that Critical Drinker did with that gothy bird from the 90s/early noughties (her name escapes me) and she said that “the place was filled with dicks…. everywhere… dicks everywhere” ….. or words to that effect.

  3. Hollywank can’t produce anything as scary as what life will be like in 20 years time.

    • “…Hollywank can’t produce anything as scary as what life will be like in 20 years time….”

      I’m firmly of the belief that Hollywood’s role in this is through pre-conditioning and predictive programming to de-sensitize the gawping masses and thereby normalise the shitehousing fuckery that is to come.

  4. I found lassie come home particularly distressing.
    The title itself brings up many possible connotations
    All seem to include wee krankie

  5. A cunter after my heart! You’re saying what I’ve been thinking and always get lambasted for if I say it out loud. Most horror movie fans (or the most vociferous at least) tend to be pseudo-intellectual, stuck-up, pretentious bellends who think that George A Romero was some cinematic visionary…… spoiler alert….. he was a cunt.

    Horror movie characters are corny, unlikable, dumb cunts who do dumb shit to further the “plot” while ultimately making you wish for their demise, the gore (which I suppose is meant to be highbrow and edgy) is needless and very few horror movies are genuinely scary.

    The only scary horrors I’ve seen are few and far between and they mostly cross over into the genre of sci-fi – such films as the Alien movies, Event Horizon and Vivarium spring to mind.

    I’m a lifelong sci-fi fan so you can imagine my disgust when a guy I used to work with told me that “sci-fi is an off-shoot of the horror genre”. I had to inform the simple bastard that Mary Shelley, HG Wells and Jules Verne were writing sci-fi/proto sci-fi long before the invention of the cathode ray tube ……. then I called him a cunt.

    • I know exactly where you’re coming from TiTS. I took to science fiction in my early teens and I read every sci-fi book they had in the branch library opposite my old school. The thing I always stumble over is the way sci-fi is often lumped in with witchcraft and magic. I’ve seen this in upmarket book shops and to me it makes no sense, it would be like putting horticulture and radio theory in the same classification.

      • Yeah this is what I don’t get:

        – Science Fiction….. the fictional, literary exploration of the effects science has on larger human society.

        – Witchcraft and magic AKA woo woo….. unprovable, unfalsifiable nonsense which cannot be rationally or empirically-explained using the scientific method.

        Sure I can see how fuckwits would mistake 2 diametrically opposed things for one another.

      • The only horror film I like is American werewolf in London.

        Funny as fuck.
        And the humour is dark.

        The hospitality shown to the yanks in the Slaughtered Lamb pub always makes me laugh!

        ‘theres nothing for you here.’

        And the soundtracks good too.

      • Oh and the Wickerman.
        The original with Christopher Lee
        Not that abortion with that cunt Nicholas cage.

      • The Blair witch project was horrifying, various labour grandees lining up to plough cherie’s various holes.

        Intercut with shots of a grinning lunatic.
        Scarred me for life..

      • The Blair witch was the photo of the cunts wife the morning after the 97 election victory.

    • It’s rubbish. I started reading Asimov and Arthur C Clark back in the 70’s: intelligent, well written sci-fi and not even a tenuous connection with horror. I’ve tried watching Exorcist some 4 times and never got past 30 minutes or so.

      • Although the guy was renowned at that place for making up bollocks on the spot to appear authoritative, I’m being charitable here and assuming that he thought this to be the case because Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein and HG Wells’ Time Machine had some scary creatures in them like Frankenstein’s monster and the Morlocks.

        Most likely though he was just making shit up on the spot without to seem knowledgeable without realising that the person he is talking to can smell bullshit a mile off and google is my friend. He was a nice bloke, but a complete tit.

      • As i said, , not a bad start to the Exorcist, with Max von Sydow in the Middle East. The first few ‘phenomena’ with the kid are quite unsettling, but it gets silly.

      • “…I’ve tried watching Exorcist some 4 times and never got past 30 minutes or so….”

        The book was better.

  6. If you want real horror, try question time.

    A lone protagonist battling various monsters while being hounded by a zombie horde. “Makeup not required”

    And the shocking revelation people have to pay to watch that shit

    • There was one episode that disturbed the Remainers, which featured a lot of Brexiteers with red faces and spawned a meme.
      The wall of gammon.

  7. The only thing that I find frightening in the cinemas is the price of the hot dogs.

    • Would Jaws be classed as a horror film?

      Because Jaws is a brilliant film.

      And the Shining with Jack Nicholson is good,

      I’m like Kier Starmer – on the fence over the issue of horror films.
      I can flip flop at any moment,
      Be swayed either way.

      • Yeah i think Jaws and the Shining are exceptions, although the shark belly-floping onto the aft deck of The Orca and biting Quint is b-movie stuff.

        Other exceptions include Alien, The Thing and Event Horizon, but they are also Sci Fi.

    • Cinema hot dogs. Tried one once. pretty sure it was the same meat as the dogs had with their biscuits.

  8. I have to say I love a good horror movie the old B types from the 50’s onwards are very much worth a watch I consider the cut off point with them to be around the early 90’s after which I can’t abide them my theory is that like any movie or book it’s the imagination that fills the gaps and makes it truly terrifying, however since the younger folk these days are about as imaginative as a house brick they are easily bought by all these crappy cctv/ internet/ baby monitor/ based modern shit that Hollywood turfs out now so I can’t say all horror is a Cunt but modern horror certainly is because hollywank is more interested in what sells to the millennials

    • Not all horror films no, but it is a weaker genre in terms of production quality, cinematography and writing.

      The best b-movies are usually Sci-fi with a horror element. A lot of cheap horror films end up as horror-comedy.

  9. A tricky nom for early in the day CP.

    I would certainly agree that most modern horror films are utter cunt. As are the bulk of older horror films. However, horror no no different to other genres. Classic horror films tend to be classic for good reason and there are some real gems.

    Hollywood slasher films are usually crap. However, the Italian giallo are often superb. ‘Suspitia’, ‘Blood and Black Lace’, ‘Deep Red’…

    British horror films can be great eg ‘Don’t Look Now’ is a masterpiece, as are’The Innocents’, and ‘The Wicker Man’ to name a few. Of course, Hammer are a sub genre all of their own!

    If you want to be scared, or maybe even scarred, check out the French extreme, ‘Martyrs’ and ‘Inside’ are probably the best/worst. ‘Incident in a Ghostland’ is a more recent classic.

    Agree about sci-fi crossovers, TiTS. My favourite is the remake of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ (1978 version, with Donald Sutherland – also ‘Alien’ obvs, and ‘Screamers’. Mrs Twenty loves ‘Event Horizon’.

    Some Korean and Japanese stuff is great too. ‘Ringu’, ‘Audition’, ‘I saw the Devil’, ‘The Handmaiden’. The last two cross over into psychological thriller territory but I think of them as horrors!

    Fuck me, that was a tad didactic so I will fuck off now.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Yes, Invasion of the Body Snatchers at the end when they point him out with a screech sent a shiver down my spine. I use the same gesture myself on seeing a masked person these days.

      • That was indeed quite haunting. Luckily the close up of Donald Sutherland’s beautiful moustache was a momentary welcome distraction because I was in thrall of it as I was looking closely for any stray cornflakes.

    • I appreciate the recommendations. I’m afraid Argento’s films are not really for me, having watched one years ago.

      Sadly i still havent seen the Wicker Man, it’s one I would watch. Straw Dogs was okay but again a little underwhelming given the hype.

  10. I’ve given up on modern movies and gone back to watching the oldies with Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. The femme fatale vampires were all smoking hot, and to be honest I used to dream of getting bit off of one and turned into a Dracula! The fit bird who was in Magpie, Jennifer Hanley? was a Hammer Horror starlet and always getting her jubblies out!

    • I have Ingrid Pitt’s autograph. Phwoarr! I think all those hot Hammer birds were dressed entirely by Brentford Nylons.

    • Jenny Hanley is now on Boom radio, still looks great. I used to watch Hammer House films and don’t remember her ever getting them out.

    • I have to admit I don’t see Hammer as real horror. More soft erotica.
      Most Hammer films made my cock rigid with ‘fear’.

  11. Wife one was fucking horrible, put me right of movies……oh wait that wasn’t a film.

  12. I shat myself watching the Blair Witch Project. It was made in 1999 and I didn’t have internet yet so had missed all the hype (here come excuses for being a gullible cunt back then.)

    My bruv lent me a pirated VHS version and told me it was a scary documentary. He’d cut the first few minutes/ending ctedits so I wouldn’t see the film company ads and starring/ending credits, I suppose. The cunt.

    I fell hook, line and sinker for it. I watched it alone at night (I’d not long split up with an ex). Kept the light on in bed lol.

    Next day, I’m telling everyone about it and everyone is laughing and calling me a stupid cunt lol.

    I was relieved to find out it was just a film with actors. I don’t think I’d have slept properly again.

    Although I didn’t fall for Michael Parkinson getting possessed by the devil on fake BBC reality show ‘Ghostwatch’.

    That was funny as fuck.

    • I’ve always been a little gullible and I watched it with my cousin as he said it was “real footage” but even then as a naive 17 year old I thought it was bollocks.

      The only mystery that remains is whether my cousin genuinely thought it was real or if he was pretending in order to take the piss out of me for being a dumb ass… because he was and still is a bit of a cunt.

    • The Blair Witch Project is the film i think of when I think of overrated Horror. It’s a good example of a terrible film built on a gimmick that had already been used in lower budget horror. It was bollocks from the moment they discard the map.
      Also, they shouldve followed the river if they were lost.

      Had no time for it.

  13. The first two Omen films are quite good fun…but not a patch on The Wicker Man.

    Watching dumb Americans getting chopped up is mildly amusing but only so long as the films are borrowed off the internets..

    Paying for them would bring me out in a cold sweat.

    The cunts.

    • All slasher films are boring. They are boring because the characters are dumb and ‘types’. Christmas panto is less predictable. Scream is no real exxception. Oh it’s Postmodern though.

      And?.

      Zzzz.

  14. Why is it that every supposedly scary film has a house that looks derelict and creepy only for some daft fucker to go inside?

    I’d send the missus in first, see how they react to her.

  15. Tell you what scared me as a kid.

    The opening titles to ‘Armchair Thriller’.

    • Those long fingers spreading over the ends of the chair arms!

      They also used to modify the Thames ident for it – the normal Thames bank reflected in the river was set at night.

      Bryan Marshall was often in these – an underrated actor. Sad he passed a few years ago.

  16. The original Jap’s eye version of “The Grudge” is pretty scary because of the sound design and the genuine sense of dread that pervades the whole film. Probabky the only film that’s ever unsettled me.
    Oh, and the first ‘Conjuring’ film is pretty good too.

  17. The ring where she climbs out of the tv, jeepers. Swmbo and me are horror fans she is 36 i am 50, cashback. Watched the abominable dr phibes the other day pure class, along with many others of the time.

  18. In these slasher films where a bunch of ADHD annoying as fuck yank teens cross paths with a serial killer with a boat hook,
    I’m always on the side of the ‘bad guy’

    He’s doing a public service.

    I’d hold his hockey mask while he kick-started a chainsaw,
    Fuckin Brandon and token black Tyrell shouting “please dude!!”

    Be nice and quiet after those fucks are skinned and made into lampshades.

    • On the side of the bad guy?
      Always wanting teenage boys to get hurt?
      You are President of Kevin Spacey fan club and I claim my 5 used johnnies.

      • Teenagers are annoying as fuck.
        Especially yank ones.

        If a escapee from a asylum, a demon from another dimension,
        Or inbred hillbilly wants to teach them to behave and shut the fuck up,
        It’s with my full approval.

        Fuck em😁

      • The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was good.
        Especially the bit where the teenage girl was stuck on a meat hook.
        And the retard family giggling as grandpa was failing to smash another teenager’s head in with a lump hammer, lol!

    • There’s always the “jock” dickhead who talks shit to the other characters, thinks he’s hard, sneaks up behind his missus for a jump-scare, doesn’t believe that what’s happening is actually happening and then tries to take on the unstoppable killing machine using a broken beer bottle.

      The dickhead in question is usually wearing a Letterman jacket and is called Chad, Brad, Tray, Troy or some other wankie Yankie name.

    • I’m with you Mis’. Let the maniac win.
      Even as a teenager, I hated teenagers. Thick, faux-rebellious, cowardly shits.

      Shoukd’ve played truant. Woukdn’t have missed a thing.

      • I hated teenagers when I was one myself and I ceased being one in 2002……. I can’t imagine having to spend time around a bunch of zoomers with their stupid broccoli perms, their vape pens and their mobile phones glued to their heads.

  19. It’s funny how films that scared you as a kid or young man don’t scare you now.

    I was about 13 when I first saw The Bodysnatchers (the one with Donald Pleasance.)

    Fucking bricking it at the end, when Donald raises his finger and the woman screams.

    Watched it a few years ago and thought it was shite and about as scary as Scooby Doo. Every time now though the cricket umpire calls a batsman ‘out’, his slow raising of the finger reminds me of the Body snatchers.

    • I used to beg me mam an dad to let me stay up to watch Hammer horror films as a kid.

      Casually ask in the playground

      ” Did anyone else watch scars of Dracula last Friday ?

      You’d be envied!
      Practically a teenager!

      ” Think it’s ‘blood on Satan’s claw this Friday?’

      Wow. He’s like the Fonz.
      Cool as fuck.

    • Jaws 3 is the perfect example of that.
      Scared me silly as a kid. Trapped in a water park with a 35 foot long great white.

      Now it looks like complete shit.

      The best bit is the poor English Ben Fogle type getting swallowed and crushed inside the shark’s mouth.

      • Add to that, ‘Salem’s Lot.’

        Monster! Monster!

        Ive seen He-Man characters scarier than that vampire.

  20. The dinner scene in the original Chainsaw Massacre always gives me the shudders.

    • They could reshoot that with Joe Biden as the codger who’s too weak to wield the hammer and Donald Trump’s daughter as the fit blond tottie.

  21. Just switched on the box, Womens Football, usually a horror show but it’s Sweden and Italy, lots of blondes on the Swedish team and all white (how terrible).

  22. Used to love the Christpher Lee (RIP) Dracula films.

    And anything with Ingrid Pitt in it,❤

    Horror is now like Heavy Metal. Once there were great films and bands like The Wicker Man and Black Sabbath, Now it’s all shock and schlock. Overdone gore and arseholes dressed in crown of thorns and fake blood on their faces. Knobheads like Slipknot and that cunt Marilyn Manson started this shit. Now all they do is try to out-gore each other and look ‘shocking’. A load of shit, like most things these days.

    • If I’d met Christopher Lee as a kid I’d of dropped dead of a heart attack.

      He was Dracula for me.

      Scared the shit out of me!

      R.I.P indeed.
      Great actor

      • “…He was Dracula for me….”

        Always found it ironic that after years of playing Dracula and getting his comeuppance at the point of a stake his final screen death was as Saruman toppling from the tower of Orthanc onto the sharpened spokes of a waterwheel.

    • Saw and Hostel. Both recommended to me by frantic millennials.

      Watched both.

      Zzzz..

  23. Agreed, it is a genre that has long run out of steam.

    But two that scared me as a kid were The Devil Rides Out, and Theatre of Blood.

    If anyone remembers them from late night 70s TV.

    • I was thinking about Theatre of Blood only the other day, not seen it in 20 years or more, love Vincent Price.

  24. Definitely The Shining for me . The atmosphere in that film was amazing in the Overlook Hotel.
    You could actually feel the stark cold atmosphere. I’ve always liked a good old haunted house film. They don’t make them like that anymore.
    Nowadays It’s all teeny horror and slasher films without no thought going into it

    • I like that old film Norman but I can’t stand the part where the protagonist is having a conversation over breakfast with continuous mouthfuls of what appears to be boiled eggs.

  27. What’s that one where Barbara Hershey gets screwed by that ghost?
    That was a good one.

    • I’d forgotten all about that film. I’d like to see Maximum Overdrive again, so-so film, great AC/DC soundtrack.

  29. Back in the early 60’s their was a tv series called “ Mystery and imagination “ used to scare the hell out of me as a kid

  30. Deathline (1973) with Donald Pleasance. It was about cannibals living in the ghost stations on the London Underground. They would snatch commuters and eat them!

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