Horror films are cunts

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This may be a controversial cunting but i think it’s a long-held opinion of mine.

Horror films are cunts. They aren’t scary.
Most are laughable compared to the horror to be found in the real world.

I don’t understand the appeal of them. Slasher films sre populated by idiots you care nothing for. The gore fests ate silly and gratuitous, and you get much worse, real imagery in documentaries about medical procedures and trauma. Creature features are puppets with a bit of ketchup smeared on them or CGI patterns with a bad actor trying to react to them.

Suspense and that lingering chill are usually delivered far more adeptly by the psychological thriller with its slow build and more realistic characters.

Many of the ‘classic’ horror films of yesteryear look daft or are unmemorable. The Exorcist is the best example. Not a bad start, but by the time the pea soup is being shot out it really resembles a b-movie.

Modern horrors all use a very limited repetoire: weird kids, limbs with unnatural joints (dear God), the jump scare (usually no scarier than the flapping pigeons of John Glen’s Bond films), silly ‘diabolical’ screeching and the security cam/found footage gimmick. ‘Oh look it’s an unconvincing CGI spectre/creature/alien. Yes sorry my screams of terror just sound a lot like laughter. it’s really terrifying, honest’.

Return to Oz was more unsettling than most horror films of the past 50 years, and it was made for children.

Horror films. Largely shite.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.

129 thoughts on “Horror films are cunts”

  2. I’m in the mood for a horror film now.

    I’m not sure about this nom CP,
    Maybe it’s ‘ unimaginative horror films ‘ or modern horror films you meant,

    But think I love em?!!

    Those universal monster ones I loved as a kid,
    From the 30s starring Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi,Lon Chaney,etc

    Then the Hammer ones.

    Nerd stuff+ in Revenge of creature from the Black Lagoon a very young Clint Eastwood gets his debut.
    He doesn’t even appear in the credits!
    But it’s clearly him.

    • I’m surprised this nom has as much support as it has.Horror seems a popular genre with so many.
      I think my beef with it is mostly the films made since the silver age of hollywood 1968-’80, but stuff like the Exorcist is in that era and I cannot take it suspend my belief or derision.

      I find that plenty of non-horrors, be they sci-fi, thrillers, crime or war films, do the job better.

  3. Punch and Judy was scarier than some of the dross they describe as horror.
    Speaking of which, I asked the Punch and Judy man on Swanage beach how the new order had affected his show?
    He said he wasn’t allowed to club Judy anymore but throwing the baby out onto the sand was fine.
    I’ve tried to figure this out but just can’t see the reasoning.
    The bloke who does Punch and Judy on Llandudno said “Fuck em, I’m carrying on as normal.”
    He did too, every fucker got battered and the kids loved the terror.

    • I was barred from punch and Judy as a kid infidel.
      Got over excited.

      ” Fuckin stab the whore!”

      I’d gleefully encourage Mr Punch.

      Puppet domestic violence had a bad effect on me.

    • Remember the 70s horror adaptation of the latter part of Punch and Judy?

      Alligator, with Robert Forster as the policeman tracking down in the sewers.

    • ISAC should award an annual research prize, and your enquiries would be an excellent candidate. In fact, that would make a better TV programme than most. Try GBNews – you might get a bite…

  4. Two things immediatly come to mind, well four things really, when it comes to horror films. Valerie Leon and Madeline Smith. Nuff said.
    Oh the story line? Fuck knows, who cares.

    • Valerie Leon was an absolute goddess.

      Emily Blunt looks a bit like her but hasnt got the incredible figure.
      Apparently she had a thing for Roger Moore, but married an ugly bloke.

  5. OT the finance minister of niger has 48 hours to account for all the stolen money or he is up before a firing squad..

    Can we do the same for all the chancellors of the exchequer for the last 20 years..

    • I have no doubt they’ve been syphoning off the cash. African politician? Fucking hell, they’re not even subtle about showing off their wealth and bling too much, the silly twats.

      Of course, this new general El Presidente type will be completely incorruptible though lol.

      • Is that what gary Linekers funeral will look like?

        But with more dancing on his grave.

    • Delighted to hear it. This comes a couple of months after the Tony Blair Institute for Tony Blair announced that it was proposing (having experienced problems elsewhere) to extend its presence in Niger.

      Blair takes his huge profits from the the moral vacuum between international aid funds and the cronies of African dictators. I was looking for the usual pic of Blair hugging ex-Pres Bazoum – crazy name, crazy guy – but couldn’t find one. You can imagine it, and welcome. Two cunts.

  6. OT

    England cricket team just now. A choir of dementia sufferers sang Jerusalem at the start. Very well.

    Should’ve left it there.

    The England team are wearing the wrong jerseys to show the confusion dementia causes. Barstow has Stokes’ name on it etc.

    Well meaning, but it just looked like they were taking the piss and I just started laughing. I bet it proper confused the choir who were right next to them.

    I am going to hell, aren’t I?

  7. Out of the thousands of rubbish horror movies, there are a few, just a few that stick out, for me at least:

    28 Weeks Later
    Paranormal Activity

    After watching Paranormal Activity I went to the bathroom and didn’t turn the light on, accidentally knocked the loo roll off the holder, didn’t realise I had done it and screamed. Thought there was something in there with me, well for 30 seconds anyway.

    Can’t think of a third one.

    • 28 weeks later was a horror film?

      I was laughing through half of it.
      Robert Carlye getting bitey. Zombies running into the sun, owards the Eiffel tower.

      I was quite drunk though.

      • I thought world war Z was quite good in the way it was so full on , in your face relentless violence.

  8. Tell you what would make a good horror.

    Would have you hiding behind the sofa and peeking through your fingers in fear of what you were watching.

    Anneliese Dodds scissoring Nicola Sturgeon.

  10. My missus was a big fan/follower of that particular genre of gothic psycho-religious, demonic slash horror. There was always “something of the night” about her, part of my attraction if I’m honest. All brain dead innocent Hollywood fluff of course… until it got serious… She started studying astrology (complete bollocks) which morphed into Tarot (might make for a great album cover but no way to organise one’s life) which morphed into hierarchies of demons and an inarguable belief in “Angel Theory” (wtf?)…

    …I’ll tell you this; watching your Wife descend into full blown, violent, hallucinatory paranoid delusional psychosis is … a living horror. on two occasions I had to rapidly remove every knife from the drawers and stash them in genuine fear of her carrying out her threat as I slept to undertake some impromptu spinal surgery.
    “NO DOCTOR this is NOT post natal fucking depression you witless bitch!

  11. I nearly shat myself when I saw ‘Alien’, in 1979. That’s the horror film benchmark for me.

    The greatest horror film ever made though, was the 1985 Russian film, ‘Come and See’.
    All the monsters and events are of the worst kind – human.

    • This nom made me want to watch a horror film.

      I’ve just watched Race with the devil (1975)
      Really enjoyed it.

      Satanists after some people in a campervan.

      Satanists hate campervans.

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