Any Church’s Claim of a Miracle

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is a cunt, isn’t it.

The Vatican is investigating a possible miracle that happened in St.Thomas’s church in Connecticut.

During the “body of Christ” bit, the box of wafers ….suddenly filled up again. It’s amazing.

No, no, it wasnt that it was just topped up or the priest miscounted. No, no. It was a miracle. Just like that cow statue in India whose eyes bled milk or some nun whose body didn’t decompose. Who can explain these weeping statues or Christ’s Turin Towel?

Is this high on gOD’s agenda? Does he have a daily list?
Cure those children with leukemia? Cure those children with muscular dystrophy?
Magic a few dozen biscuits into a bowl?

Independent

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous.

123 thoughts on “Any Church’s Claim of a Miracle”

  1. How timely,I happened to be in St Peters Basilica yesterday..

    There were no miracles but I did wonder at the airport level of security to get in the place..

    Surely a plague of locusts or a burning bush is enough to ward off the carpet riding enriching gift of Islamic terrorism?

    • Also my fellow cunting enthusiasts will note Mrs Terry decided visiting Rome in July in the middle of a heatwave was a splendid idea..

      Now there’s a power cut and the air con is very sadly missed.

      These foreign cunts are cunts.

      • I’d love a miraculous box of biscuits I would!

        Mcvities working with the heavenly host.

        Miracles are great aren’t they?

        Whether the ones backing Smokey Robinson or the statues crying milk,
        I like them all.

        My little brother had a miracle happen to him.
        He wandered into st Augustus when we were playing and his underpants dissapeared?!!

        Not only that but after that when he farted his bum made a whistling sound!

        He doesn’t like to talk about it though…

      • @Unk. Don your pith helmets.

        I trust that you’ve packed them ?

        Along with your Webley service revolver, ( these foreign types aren’t to be trusted )

        And a flask of Good Brandy.

        You’ll have a splendid Grand Tour.

        Mad Dogs and Englishmen !

        Jolly good.

    • Stunning, innit Unkle?

      I particularly liked the mummyfied body of a late Pope.
      Do these savages have no sense of propriety?

      • None whatsoever JP.

        There are about a dozen types of police I’ve noticed,all armed to the teeth..and the army is out and about as well..

        So in some respects they know what they are doing.

      • White people are quite fine..dark keys and other rubbish are in for a “rough ride”..

        It makes for a nice holiday.

    • What’s Rome/the Vatican like? I’m planning a trip to Italy next year and have it on my itinerary.

  2. I imagine the choirboy bothering priest has thought of a new way to grift the gullible.
    Fools will be turning up from far and wide to part with their money.
    A much better miracle would be the Vatican giving away money instead of raking it in all the while.

  3. I’ve got a feeling our old friend, Comrade Welby, is going to say….”miracle?……fucking bollocks!”

  6. The miracle of a catholic priest 𝗻𝗼𝘁 being a pædo?
    It has to happen sometime, surely?

    • As soon as the Cardinals choose Icke and the white smoke is seen, St Peters square will have The Shamen’s ‘Move Any Mountain’ booming across it.

  8. If God can perform miracles why are the goatshagging Peacefuls still here? Surely he could at least put them back in their own shithole countries? What a bastard.

    • Sod miracles, how about an act of God and a massive whirlpool appearing in the middle of the English Channel?

      • A permanent force 7 blowing through the channel, now if that happened I would believe and be straight round to the nearest house of god to give thanks 😂

  9. A endless box of wafers,the world’s driest and blandest biscuits..

    Hardly news scoop of the year….

    It’s about time the church of England cunts gave up and got assimilated by the religion of peace.. because it will be a miracle if they are still around in 50 years.

  10. I thought the church had chocolate fingers for communion?

    Maybe that’s only choir practice.

    • Jesus Baz.

      Suffer the unimaginative for they know not what they do….

      You take a jar of Nutella and a butter knife to church.

      You coat the wafers…
      Miracle!
      Just like Blue Riband!

      Remember them?

      https://youtu.be/rQnRgVipDTA

      I know every word to that,
      Can’t remember a single advert from last 20years.

      • @MNC. I have a customer who always makes me a pint of tea with not one, but two Blue Ribands. 👍👍👍

        And she always pays in cash £££ 😀

        How’s it going ?

        All right ?

      • Alright Jack!👍

        Yeah ticketyboo.
        I’ve been doing a sideline in scrap metal.

        I normally offload it to get my weight down at the tip,
        But fuck it,
        I’m just giving away money!

        I’m in the good books at the moment and I want to keep it that way!

        Missus birthday Saturday and I’ve paid for a spa day for her, the daughter and her mate.

        I can use this under appeal when I next fuck up😁👍

      • Nowt wrong with banking Brownie Points.

        But remember, you’ll never have enough. 🙂

        Good money in scrap.

      • Something wrong with that ad Mis.
        White couple and white daughter?
        Nah! I can’t believe it’s genuine. 🤔

      • It was way back in prehistoric times Cuntalugs.
        The 1980s.

        I should of warned people really.

        *Contains scenes of white normal family unit*

        Hehehe 😄

  12. He created Heaven and Earth in a week and even had time for a day off.
    And what does He do now? Tops up a packet of wafer biscuits. To paraphrase Anne Robinson, it’s not ruddy good enough. Come on, get your finger out and lets have a big one:
    – A cure for cancer
    – An end to all wars
    – Show women how to park a car
    Time to sharpen up your act mate. I’m waiting.

    • “…and even had time for a day off….”

      What? …daft cunt should’ve had the Saturday off and trousered double-bubble for the Sunday? Fuckin’ deities eh; think they know it all…

    • Unfortunately cancer is a footnote in the Almighty’s technical manual for evolution.
      Mutations occur. Some are beneficial to the host organism, some aren’t.

      Ask The Creator Chap about cancer in the Afterlife and you’ll get a wink and a cryptic ‘trust the process, my son’.

  13. What about all these blokes becoming women overnight? That’s a fucking miracle innit? I know for a fact Welby believes in that one.

  14. I didn’t believe in miracles until yesterday.
    Watching Huw go from being a diddler, to dirty old man and then a mental health martyr, all in the space of seven minutes.
    Praise the Lord!

  15. Its the symbolism that matters to God
    God was never one for David Copperfield type events, too Gaudy for his tastes,
    but he did get angry with us along time ago and flooded the whole of everything.
    He could be Biden his time to strike again, with another block buster of a show and who could blame him.
    God be with you all.

    • He might give Apophis a cheeky ‘nudge’ as it nears Earth in 5 years. A couple of gigatons-worth of force in an impact there.

      Not something to build a space ark for but it woukd shake us up.

  16. God duplicated himself inside the coborum’.
    idmf he duplicated himself, that means he created another of himself.

    What a load of swivel-eyed cack.

    I’d sooner believe that Greek bloke from Ancient Aliens.

    • The bloke who looks like a character out of an Adam Sandler film or Ben Stiller film?
      https://i.imgflip.com/2szvv2.png

      Is he still alive? 🤔 Might be a good future Deadpool pick.
      Will keep in reserve on my Deadpool nom database
      He might go batshit crazy on whatever cocktail of drugs Peter Buck from REM was on during that airplane flight and meet a sticky end.

      • Yes Giorgios Tsoulakis.

        Free box of doner meat tobanyone under 4 feet with large black eyes and a big napper.

  17. A box of wafers?

    It’s hardly loaves and fishes, is it?

    That’s not going to feed starving nations, in war torn countries, or drought? Hardly a balanced diet.

    Colour me unimpressed.

    Still, the church is more Aldi than Waitrose, these days. Definitely down market.

    • JP @

      I like those pink wafer biscuits with a brew.

      I know this opens me up to accusations of Huw Edwardsism ,
      But it’s true.

      • Cadbury Roundies, Blue Riband but with thicker chocolate.

        A nostalgia biscuit, soul soothing.

        Them pink wafer things, naw!
        I like to dunk, them wafers dissolve.
        Rich tea, now there’s a dunking biscuit!

      • What are those McVities ones in the purple packet. Fruit summat I think.

        Not had them for years. Got a craving now. I can demolish an entire packet faster than Rick Waller.

      • My missus likes Rich tea .
        I’m no fan.

        I like shortbread .
        They stand up to dunking.

        I miss bags of broken biscuits.
        My gran used to get them.
        They were great.
        Rejects.
        Like the Dirty Dozen of baked goods

      • I reckon they broke because they fell on the floor, which some factory cunt stood on with his trainers with dog shit on them.

      • You’re safely in granny territory there Mis’, despite the colour. I suspect the light of feet are a bit more upmarket.

      • My nan used to buy those pink wafer biscuits. They were full of tartrazine. As a nipper back in the 80s they used to make me hyper as heck. I’d be bouncing around like Tigger after a packet or two of those.

        It’s a wonder I haven’t grown up to be like Bez from Happy Mondays.

    • Bet Ted was popular as a school boy with them deft fingers?

      All the girls had a soft spot for Ted..😁

  19. Where I live near Mexico and in a VERY Catholic area, it makes the news if the face of Our Lady of Guadalupe is seen in the burn patterns of a tortilla or a turd in the toilet bowl is shaped like Jesus’s profile or some stupid shit like that. Cunts line up outside to pray and be blessed. Better hurry because that turd is falling apart!

    • Meat, don’t ever do an alfresco piss in the sign of a cross.

      They’ll have you nailed to one in a heartbeat.

    • Especially with all that corn.

      Besides, they should be worshipping a winged Serpent, not a Spanish import of a Roman religion.

      • That’s truly sick.

        Imagine if that was your sister, daughter, niece. Some cunt labelled her RILF?

        Her face! She’s so proud of what she’s doing, and some sick fuck has to put this obscene label on her?

        Hang you head in shame, you utter, utter twat!

      • It’s sickipedis, HJ.

        Not exactly known for decorum or holding back. That joke is nothing for that website btw.

        I don’t mind a sick joke that makes me go ‘Nnnnno!’ or ‘Urrgghhhh!’

        Some of there stuff is about as sick as can be. Like it’s a competition to see who can tell the sickest joke.

    • Get her a job presenting The One Show or Countryfile. Nobody would notice these days.

      Looks fairly ‘local’. She’d be May Queen material around these parts.

    • “..You want a miracle?..”

      Ooh spooky – somebody called “mrcuntychops” left a comment on the downsey damsel ! It’s a miracle! a sign I tells ya, follow the gourd!

  21. Anyone remember Wagon Wheels? I don’t think they count as a biscuit though, more of a snack type thing.

    • Get smaller every year. In the 70s you needed to hire a dumper truck to carry them home they were so huge.

      Now, you can only pick one up with some tweezers.

      • Yeah we used one as a dining table from 1976- 1987.

        Now they’re same size as a 10pence piece.

    • Disgusting claggy things.

      Marshmallow filling, sandwiched between two biscuits, covered in chocolate?

      Soggy as all get out, the filling was awful and the chocolate? Well, it was brown.

      Even at six, I had a more sophisticated palet.

    • Magic.

      See you in a bit. I haven’t seen Michael Caine playing Michael Caine for a while.

      Always good value.

      • That’s nowt.
        Other night?
        Ain’t Alf hot mum
        And till death us do part.
        Was Wednesday on that’s TV channel.

        Couldn’t believe it!

      • a great quote from Caine.
        ‘I never read the reviews for Jaws: the revenge. I was too busy buying another house’.

    • at all

      Even Larkin the staunch atheist grapples with the idea of coming into existence-

      ‘At death you break up: the bits that were you
      Start speeding away from each other for ever
      With no one to see. It’s only oblivion, true:
      We had it before, but then it was going to end,
      And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
      To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
      Of being here. ‘

      ‘To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
      Of being here.’

      isn’t that just another way of saying it’s a miracle we are here

      • Evening MP, I like your use of the phrase “coming” into existence…🫨

      • Given that so many Sperm and eggs sre created and never get to join, not really.

      • Grappling? I think he gets it pretty well. Though another POV suggests that it is inevitable that we’re here. Or we wouldn’t be…

      • Errrr, no, Miles. Rather the reverse – hinting at the anthropic principle. Douglas Adams, rather than GKC, is helpful here:

        “If you imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, ‘This is an interesting world I find myself in — an interesting hole I find myself in — fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!”
        Though I find myself increasingly thinking that cause and effect are artifacts of the separate consideration of space and time, while Minkowski spacetime is unitary.
        So to speak.

      • Its faith that keeps one living, even when one is lost
        I have no theories to back it up but instinct.

  24. Joseph and Mary are in the stable just before Xmas and Joseph presents her with a steak pie. She cuts a slice and it’s hot and delicious.
    “Where did you get this Joseph?”

    “I made it myself” he says.

    “But we haven’t got an oven.”

    Joseph says “Ok, God gave it to me, it’s a miracle………you see how fucking stupid that sounds Mary !!”

    • Mr Frog your parable has truly shone a light upon the miracle of..

      Oven?

      Yes that’s it..like the shitty slogan “when life gives you lemons”..

      When life gives you cunts then oven them.

      Hear endeth the lesson.

  25. Does anybody remember the image of christ that appeared after it rained on the side of a building somewhere in South America in the 80s? Pilgrims were gathering to see it. It rained again and it transpired it was a poster for a willie Nelson concert that had been white washed over. I like to think it’s a true story

  26. Religion is the biggest load of bunkum to ever exist. If it wasn’t for its beautiful churches, I doubt whether it would’ve survived.

    • Just realised, I could make Turin Shrouds to order. After every shit I wash my arse and sit on a towel to dry it. Each time a light stain occurs and gradually the towel begins to take shape into an image of the Shroud.

      • I’ve seen that thing when I was in Turin Sammy. The weird thing about it is it just looks like an old sheet with tea and shit on it. But, in negative, an image of a bloke can clearly be seen. Creepy as fuck, sand fuck knows who made it and what with….

      • Hi Norman,

        If United sign a black goalkeeper, I feel it’s the end for me, especially my subscription with MUTV.

  28. I reckon this goalie will be a classic Glazer era panic buy Sammy. I am still not convinced that Ten Hag has an eye for a quality player.

    MUTV is now shite. Not enough classic games, Glazer propaganda and bloody wimmins team crap.

    • You’re right Norman, MUTV is shite. Hardly watch it now. Still pondering whether the kick it into touch.

  29. Christianity – The story of how one woman’s lie to cover her adultery got waaaaay the fuck out of hand.
    …all based on sociopathic jewish patriarchal revenge fantasy tales, the ‘curse of the Magic Apple’, the walkin’ talkin’ snakes, pillars of salt, parting trillions of gallons of the Red Sea … Mauri! Mauri!! can y’ believe it? da goy swallowed it hook line and bagel.

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