Rug Doctor

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A few days ago, the wife attended a gynocology clinic for a consultation regarding an undercarriage problem. Mercifully it turns out that it was a minor matter which could be dealt with routinely, and thankfully she’s not up on blocks.

Yesterday we were in Asda, and I noticed that they were advertising the services of ‘Rug Doctor’ for hire. In an attempt at levity, I expressed surprise that such a service was available in a supermarket, but went on that for a nominal fee, the wife could have saved herself months of waiting time on the NHS.

Cunters would be well advised to note that any attempt at humour with regard to this subject will most certainly not be received by the other half in the spirit that it was intended.

Nominated by Ron Knee.

50 thoughts on “Rug Doctor”

  2. By the same token ‘Drain Doctor’ could offer the services of a urologist.

    Mrs Twatt’s reaction would have been much the same as Mrs Knee’s. Some things are better left unsaid Ron.

    • I bet Reggie made good use of the Rug Doctor after his set, a nice way to relax, on all fours on the rug, bottom up in the air and a nice hose in the derriere.

      What more could a mincer ask for.

  4. Clearly the intention of this cunting is not to cunt Rug Doctor itself. I hired one of their machines for our new offices, where the landlord had been storing building equipment temporarily and the carpet, although new had become a bit grubby.

    The machines are fucking awesome, so Rug Doctor isn’t a cunt. Strained several pints of thick brown gravy from the carpet. Mis would have wanted it on his chips, as thick and brown as it was.

    • Ron@

      I have some expertise in gynaecological matters.
      While not qualified I’m a keen hobbyist

      Have you any photos to support your nom?

      • Afraid not Geordie.

        Such items are strictly for my personal use only.

        There’s some extremely valuable reference material on xHamster for the keen amateur (but I’m sure you know that already).

  5. First time ever I’ve had to look up two nominees on the trot and have no interest in either. Can’t drive and don’t have fitted carpets, due to living a bohemian lifestyle.

  6. Assume “Rug doctor ‘ is some new carpet hoovering thing?

    My missus is a right sucker for Hoover’s(😄)
    And believes the hype.

    We currently have a Shark®
    Bag of shite.
    Asthmatic fucker.

    We had a Dyson®
    Weight of a fuckin car!!
    Completely impractical.

    I lost my shit with her.

    “Why are you wasting money on gimmicks?
    Get a fuckin Henry®

    Contract cleaners all seem to have them?
    So they must be pretty good?!”

    Won’t fuckin listen.

    • The cleaners at ITV have Henry Hoover’s.
      Little smiley faces🙂

      I heard a young Henry got lured into Philip Schofields dressing room and they found it sobbing in a corridor with its bag all tattered !

      • Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet also looking tattered and torn, it wasn’t the spider who sat down beside her, it was Little Boy Blue with the horn.

      • Don’t you mean Henry Cooper who was boxed into a corner cupboard and couldn’t get out ?

      • Speaking of cupboards, old Mother Hubbard went to open one to fetch poor Rover a bone, when she bent over Rover took over and slipped her a bone of his own.

      • He wouldnt get in the door Baz.

        Probably find money starts to go missing.
        Wife’s earrings and jewelry.

        He was good as Arnold in Different strokes though!

    • Yep – henrys are good (or is it henries?). And they aren’t made in the far east by a tax dodging cunt.

    • My parents’ old Electrolux used to have an “accessory” that included a glass vessel that allegedly was a paint sprayer, when the hose was attached to the rear-end exhaust. But it looked suspiciously like a hospital vacuum unit, and am sure it could’ve been used as such… It also had a “crevice tool”

      • Yes I remember we had one of those HB.

        My dad tried to use it once to paint a room and it was fucking carnage.

        Absolutely useless.

      • Mr. Knee, my Da did some painting when I was away from home. I asked my mother why the spines of the books in the shelves were rather white, she replied that he’d been balancing the paint tray on top of the door…

  8. Aw, I would have laughed! Some things you can’t take too seriously. In fact, when I was wearing a wig, my brother pointed out the services of Rug Doctor when we were in Homebase, which I found pretty amusing. Rather sn1gger at life’s absurdities, than dwelling on shite and being a morose fucker (PS. Not referring to Mr Knee’s wife here, of course)

    • The dog-God has just said “Wait until she’s taken the kit back to the depot…”

      • Did J. Edgar Hoover with his strange peccadillos ever hoover up his carpets in black lingerie?.I wonder…

      • Right weirdo wasn’t he Miles?

        Looked like one of those pug dogs,
        Bulging eyes.
        He accused anyone and everyone of being a closet communist.

        Ruined people’s lives.

        Yet he was a transvestite 😆

        Putting on lippy and a floral hat and having tea parties for one.

      • Not sure about the horse drawn hoover minge,never get the horseshoe marks out of your carpet.

        And it’s bound to have a crap 30 seconds after you finish.

      • Hoovering for the Masses…
        I can just imagine this being part of a thing during a N Korean May Day (Mat Day??) parade. Tens of thousands of nubile N Koreans, doing a display of synchronized hoovering.

  12. Ron/ Geordie. I think er indoors reaction would be the same as your good ladies. EG it’s going to hurt. How much depends on how pissed off she is. Here endeth the first lesson.

  13. When it said Rug Doctor, I thought it was some sort of repair service for syrups and Irish Jigs.😉

    How are yer, Ron?👍

    • Aye up Norman.

      Not too bad thanks; hope all ok with you?

      I wait with interest to see who Villa might sign next after getting Tielemans on a freebie from Leicester. Need to get rid of some dead wood tho.

      Anything in the pipeline for the Reds?

  14. Poor Ron. One would expect Mrs Knee to have a bit of a sense of humour after all…. I thought it was a good gag.

    • Aye up ACM.

      No to be fair the missus said later that it was a decent joke. She was just a bit shirty (understandably) about getting poked and prodded by some bloke in gynecology.

      I know how she feels, having had to suffer the indignity of having a wee lassie who looked about 18 shove what felt like a cucumber up my arse to do a prostate biopsy.

      That’s a fun day out in Urology alright.

      • I know exactly how that cucumber feels. Not that I’ve been up your arse of course! Just that I had 19 prostate punch biopsies a few years ago, not much fun. I used to think women were the ones with their bits on the inside. Turns out the only way to access our plumbing is anally😢 Hope the results are good news matey. Fingers crossed.

      • @ACM

        Thanks for your kind remarks mate.

        Actually I’ve had a couple of these biopsies done, the last was about three years ago and I got the all clear, so it’s not a current issue.

        But I appreciate the sentiments all the same.

  15. The scoffield comment is probably true
    He looks the type to have his knob up a Henry hoover

  16. Ron re the wee Lassie with cucumber
    Was the skin removed first ?
    And the name of the hospital please ( asking for a friend )

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