I enjoy a good musical, and there have been some crackers over the years. You’ve got classics such as ‘West Side Story’ and ‘Guys and Dolls’. You’ve got rock operas like ‘Tommy’ and Evita’. You’ve got ‘tribute’ musicals such as ‘Buddy’ and ‘Jersey Boys’. There’s pretty much something for everyone.

But heck as like. Producers and fast buck merchants have really come to see the public’s appetite for song and dance as a cash cow, and these days, it seems that just about any film, play or tv show, however unsuitable it seems on paper, is ripe for getting itself turned into a musical. Get some cunt to throw some tunes at it, and however piss poor the songs are, the public will flock in.

Have a look at some of the stuff on offer at the moment. ‘Only Fools and Horses; the Musical’. Just add the magic words ‘…the musical’ to this selection; ‘Heathers’,
‘Back to the Future’, Groundhog Day’, ‘The Third Man’, ‘Pretty Woman’. Would you believe it, there’s even a ‘Great British Bake Off Musical’ ffs.

The latest off the production line is ‘Titanic (yes you guessed it) ; the Musical’. I suppose that it’s got a better chance of staying afloat than its infamous namesake, but I doubt that it’ll be seen as the new ‘Oliver!’ in years to come. Of course I haven’t seen any of this latest batch off what appears to to be a never-ending production line, but that’s because I’m not coughing up anything north of £50 to watch something that most definitely will not prove to be the another ‘Cabaret’.

I’m just surprised that some enterprising soul hasn’t come up with ‘The Exorcist; the Musical’ yet (‘a real head turner’, The Guardian) or ‘The Longest Day; the Musical’ (‘life’s a beach, then you die’, Variety). Blimey, I’d better keep quiet. I wouldn’t want to give some chancer any ideas.

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Nominated by Ron Knee.