‘Loadashite; the Musical’

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I enjoy a good musical, and there have been some crackers over the years. You’ve got classics such as ‘West Side Story’ and ‘Guys and Dolls’. You’ve got rock operas like ‘Tommy’ and Evita’. You’ve got ‘tribute’ musicals such as ‘Buddy’ and ‘Jersey Boys’. There’s pretty much something for everyone.

But heck as like. Producers and fast buck merchants have really come to see the public’s appetite for song and dance as a cash cow, and these days, it seems that just about any film, play or tv show, however unsuitable it seems on paper, is ripe for getting itself turned into a musical. Get some cunt to throw some tunes at it, and however piss poor the songs are, the public will flock in.

Have a look at some of the stuff on offer at the moment. ‘Only Fools and Horses; the Musical’. Just add the magic words ‘…the musical’ to this selection; ‘Heathers’,
‘Back to the Future’, Groundhog Day’, ‘The Third Man’, ‘Pretty Woman’. Would you believe it, there’s even a ‘Great British Bake Off Musical’ ffs.

The latest off the production line is ‘Titanic (yes you guessed it) ; the Musical’. I suppose that it’s got a better chance of staying afloat than its infamous namesake, but I doubt that it’ll be seen as the new ‘Oliver!’ in years to come. Of course I haven’t seen any of this latest batch off what appears to to be a never-ending production line, but that’s because I’m not coughing up anything north of £50 to watch something that most definitely will not prove to be the another ‘Cabaret’.

I’m just surprised that some enterprising soul hasn’t come up with ‘The Exorcist; the Musical’ yet (‘a real head turner’, The Guardian) or ‘The Longest Day; the Musical’ (‘life’s a beach, then you die’, Variety). Blimey, I’d better keep quiet. I wouldn’t want to give some chancer any ideas.

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Nominated by Ron Knee.

95 thoughts on “‘Loadashite; the Musical’”

  2. ” if I had a hammer
    I’d hammer in the daytime
    I’d hammer in the evening
    All over this land!

    I’d hammer the doors
    I’d hammer the whores
    I’d hammer in God’s name,
    I’d hammer in plods name….”

    Yorkie: the musical

  3. I am anything but a fan of the musical.

    People bursting into song randomly and dancing around like twats. No not for me. Never been able to get my head around the concept.

    That was until me and the Mrs happened to watch Jesus Christ Superstar a couple of months back on Al BBC Four.

    Absolutely brilliant. The music on it was top drawer (in my opinion)

    Doesn’t mean that I like musicals now but that one was good. Pretty pretty good!

    Good Morning

    • ‘bursting into song randomly’

      The song should naturally emerge from the storyline.

      • Have seen the film once. Not so bothered.

        I remember at school we sang ‘Jesusvl Christ Superstar walks with a widdle and wears a bra’.
        Appalling.

        No it was all about Godspell in our house Herman My aunt was a a ‘trendy nun full of the ‘springtime’ of Catholicism after Vatican 2 and she loved and pushed it on us.

      • I remember at my primary school we sang:

        Jesus Christ, Superstar
        Went down the street on a Yamaha
        Done a skid
        Killed a kid
        Knackered his balls on a dustbin lid

    • I give anything by the ghoul Lloyd-Webber a wide berth.
      Always seems like self-parody or parody of musicals as a genre.

  4. “The Battle of Britain 2024:A musical accompaniment to the Great Strafing of the English Channel and Graveyard of the Vermin”.

    Please Sir,one more sortie?

    Lovely.

  5. It’s not a genre ive ever been too fussed about. I grew up in the eighties and nineties, when film musicals were largely dead. I remember The Sound of Music and Cats being attempted by my school.
    The only one i remember liking was Bugsy Malone, but that was in spite of the music, rather than because of it.
    And the film Willy Wonka, which I later learned Roald Dahl thought was complete shit.

      • From a time when musicals were the biggest box office draw. There are loads of that era I will never see.
        I watched Les Miserables but rather give that lost time to the book if i’m honest.

  7. Phillip Schofield the musical

    All under 16s must be accompanied by an appropriate groomer.

  8. Josef Fritzl the Musical would be interesting.

    We gotta get out of this place
    Down under
    Going underground
    You’ve got to hide your love away
    Bob the builder
    Rape me

      • Ah, Chicken Floyd George…

        Take My Breath Away (Berlin)

        Queen with One Vision (Just gimme gimme gimme gimme fried chiggen)

        Zippedy Doo Dah from Song of the South

        And Bob and Marcia with Dead Worthless and Black

      • Mine would be Kris Akabusi, Andi Peters or Pat Roach.

        You decide.

        Kris was at the height of his fame.

      • met him in thailand, sat at the next table to me and mrs mcfuck at breakfast in pattaya. had a brief conversation with him and that was that till a few years later he was on the telly. made the mistake of telling the guys at work who still refer to “my pal joe”

    • As good as Springtime for Hitler!
      Would they fit in one e ninng, like “Cav & Pag”? It might be just what ENO needs…

  10. Musicals are for women (with or without cocks), sissies, pansies, soy boys, homosexuals and trannies.

    If any man tells you that he has been to a musical it is a certainty that he also enjoys back door shenanigans.

    The theatre bogs at half time must be a hot bed for disgusting debauchery.

    Andrew Lloyd Webber is a massive cunt and he looks like a gargoyle.

    • Perhaps thats where my apathy of musicals as a whole comes from, ALW travesties being the first examples I was familiar with through school productions and his cultural influence in the eighties.

  11. Musicals are for puffs in general.

    I too liked Bugsy Malone when I was about 6 or 7. Jodie Foster as ‘Tallulah’ I think it was, gave me my first ‘twangy warm I want to touch myself and I don’t know why’ feeling.

    Turned out to be a bit of a dog and tuppence licker in the end.

    What a let down.

    • I heard crybaby Robert deNiro breastfed Jody on the set of Taxi Driver (allegedly)

  12. I always assumed with having a beautiful singing voice I’d be snapped up to star in a musical?

    Most likely becoming a huge Broadway hit and doing a performance for star struck royals.
    But now the Queen is dead I’ll probably not bother?

    Not had the knock yet anyway.

      • I’m prepared to go naked for my art LL.

        I’m willing to get my winky out and sing on stage to a crowd of bucktooth chinless posh cultural types.

        I’m a true artiste.

        An flasher 😎

    • I used to watch World Cups and think ‘Im still young enough to make the next one’.

      I played a bit of seven a side at a very low level.

      I still saw some keeper played at 50 or summat and still said to myself ‘Well if he’s done it…”

      What do you reckon? Do 20 minutes a day on the exercise bike and a few keepy uppies in the garden at weekends and I could be volleying in a 30 yarder for England in the final in my mid 50s?

      I’ve told the FA I’ll only do it if they sack Wokegate and put me in charge as player manager.

      No answer yet but an ambulance with some fellas in white coats has just pulled up outside.

      • Did you ever read Roy of The Rovers in your younger days CB?

        There was a story in there called Billy’s Boots. I used to love it.

        The young lad called Billy was fucking useless at footy but found an old pair of boots which had belonged to a goal scoring machine from the 1920s or something.

        When he wore the boots he was suddenly a world beater.
        Most of the storylines revolved around him losing the things before a big game.

        Sounds like you need to try and get hold of a pair of Blackpool legend Stanley Mathews old steel toe cap numbers to help you realise your dreams.

      • I’ll need more than magic boots, HJ. I’ll need a large robot suit like Iron Man, as I don’t want to get tired with all that running about.

      • My cousin played to a good standard back in the day. Gave me his old boots which where ankle high and had steel toe-caps. Like old rugby boots. I was still shit at football though.

      • There was Miles!

        Big hairy fannies!
        Unshaved armpits!

        Shaking it all about,
        Brilliant 😁

    • I assumed you stood for Hugh Jackman in his run of Oklahoma! on Broadway, before he became a film actor.

  13. Jerry and Kate the Musical

    It wasn’t me
    Who let the dogs out?
    He came in through the bathroom window

    Allegedly erm…

    • ‘Been Around the World/we can’t find their baby’
      Met Police in chorus.

  14. I went to see a wild west show that was staged in the evening.
    When it finally got dark, all of the lights were dimmed, and then suddenly, all of the horses started to glow.
    They were rodeo active….

  15. The battle of Midway – The musical.

    Anne Frank – The musical.

    Dresden – The musical

    Jimmy Saville – The musical

    Andrew Lloyd Webber’s face – The musical

    There is absolutely nothing sacred or bizarre enough not to be turned into a musical.

    I fucking hate musicals.

    • I was given a ticket for (the musical) Kinky Boots, down at Cardiff Bay, as a thank you for sorting some ody’s kitchen out. What a load of mincing chutney ferrets. Follow the Bournville Boulevard. It made Wagner’s Ring seem like a light classic.

    • for Dresden: The Musical

      Hot in the City.
      Dresden Inferno.(to Disco Inferno)

  16. OT but trying to enjoy the cricket but no Botham, Gower or Anderton on commentary or presenting.

    All bud bud ding dings (can’t understand the cunts thank you please) and wimminz FFS, apart from Ricky Ponting, not exactly know for liking the English.

    First thing I saw on Main Event was ‘No room for discrimination’. It was then flicked over to the cricket channel who had an advert on about ex soldiers crying about being discriminated against for being puffs and fish eaters.

    Good job I’m not paying for it.

    • There can and will be no escape from “the message”

      Bring back Geoff Boycott. I’m sure he’d be more than welcomed into the commentary box by the wimminz.

      I often listen to 6 music at work (as much as I loathe the Beeb) because it does genuinely tend to play a good variety of music during the day compared to most other stations. Despite the DJs generally being woke BLM arse kissing self loathing white cunts.
      Unfortunately, yesterday (and today probably) has been the promotion of LGBTQXYZ pride month loud and fucking proud bollocks so I’ve had to knock the cunt off.
      Camp fucking lispy voices coming on randomly and telling us about their favourite tracksssss before subjecting the listener to some bum boy anthem.
      Fuck off

      Cunts just can’t leave it alone can they.

    • I came across (in more ways than one, I can tell you) some images of ITV’s Natalie Green. Saucy little minx.

  17. Went to see Saturday night fever when it first came out never seen a musical before, what a lot of bollocks blokes dressed like mincers combing their barnet constantly and always checking themselves out in anything reflective then singing some shite they could have conveyed quicker in a 1minute conversation. Absolute crap of the first water like all musicals, I must be a philistine or just not bothered with keeping up with the latest nonsense the rest of the population get jizzy about. Cunts.

  20. “I enjoy a good musical, and there have been some crackers over the years”

    Ok, fruity.

  21. Perhaps the most loathsome musical of all time is Hamilton. It was created by world class cunt Lin Manuel Miranda…whose heritage is Mexican, Puerto Rican and African…starring as the great American statesman of Scottish descent, Alexander Hamilton.

    His great nemesis, Aaron Burr was originally played by Utkarsh Ambudkar the former star DJ for MTV Desi, who was later replaced by the Groid, Leslie Odom Jr.

    Phillipa Soo…who is only half Chinese…played Hamilton’s wife…Eliza Hamilton…daughter of the Dutch American General Philip Schulyer.

    Her sister Angelica Schuyler was played by Groidette Anika Noni Rose and later by mongrel Renee Elise Goldsberry.

    And of course who can forget the monumental performance of Groid Joshua Henry in the dual roles of English Monarch (and tyrant) George III and American patriot extraordinaire James Madison.

    All of course to the beat of classic Hip Hop music.

    What a show!

    • Sounds like my kind of show General.

      Must dash; I’ve just got to get tickets…

    • It was vaguely on my radar a few years ago but knowing the sort of cunts who gush about anything gayblack and theatrical I didn’t look into it.

      Sounds a bit Netflix.

  22. I suppose that like any ‘art form’, there are brilliant musicals, and utter shite, but it’ll be predominantly the latter these days with the production line they’ve become. The ‘cash in’ musical is nothing new, and I offer the following as testimony to that fact;

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJQGkx5LpuA

    ‘Grease 2’ is my personal nomination as the worst musical of all time, as much for the cynical attempt to squeeze more bucks out of a smash hit, as due to the fact that it’s utter, utter shite.

    • Remember ‘Jerry Springer: The Opera’?

      You can imagine the shitstorm if this was about Muslims or Hindus or some other BBC/Guardian pet victim group. Nothing against taking the micky out of religion but we all know some are off-limits and I doubt any theatre would even risk showing it.

    • I agree completely that some are brilliant and some are shit and others are just fun.

      While the film version of Annie Get Your Gun with Betty Hutton was by most accounts a better musical, my personal favorite is Calamity Jane with the irresistibly, desirable* Doris Day.

      *Is that redundant?

    • Grease 2 was dire bollocks. But it had Michelle Pfeiffer in it at her most fuckable…

    • I didn’t think much of the first one to be honest. Less the film, more the theatrical types who love it, and the egregious Rocky Horror.
      tried watching that camp wank. lasted ten minutes before switching over.

    • Especially the abysmal Rocky Horror Picture Show. That and Fame! are essential viewing for every camp, self-absorbed, annoying, loud, obnoxious cunt that ever went to stage school or hoped to.

      ‘Silence, f@ggot!’

  24. I like Cabaret.
    Well crafted tunes, good casting.
    And I never miss a chance to dress up during the beer garden scene.

    • ive only watched and listened to that scene, posting it to Facebook as my ‘favourite moment from any musical and tribute to my grandad’ to wind up the uptight PC women and effete men who were friends of friends. The lad portrays my grandfather pretty well.

      I have the book from which Cabaret took inspiration (Goodbye to Berlin, Christopher Isherwood) so never watched the musical…
      Mein Herr.

    • ‘Gimme hope Amon,
      Hope Amon,
      Gimme hope, Amon
      Before the mornin’ come.’

      (a capella), Oskar Schindler, bring me a dream…

      When the workforce is just standin in the yard,
      Goeth yer! (rifle shot)
      When the old babuska sin’t workin very ‘ard
      Goeth yer! (rifle shot)…

  27. For a long time I wanted to bring Allo Allo to the stage as a musical. Good moaning, good moaning…

  28. The ones I hate the most are ‘musicals’ that are somebody else’s work and cashing in somebody who is dead. Like ‘Small Faces The Musical’, totally offensive and an insult to Steve, Ronnie and Mac.

    Then there’s that fat four eyed turd Ben Elton. Puts loads of Queen songs to a crappy story, and makes out it is ‘his’ musical. Fucking twat.

  29. Right Said Fred The Musical would run into trouble…

    ‘Well, there’s I’m Too Sexy. Oh, and Deeply Dippy. And errr I’m Too Sexy and ummm Deeply Dippy🤣 …’

  30. Anyone remember ‘Time’, the absolutely shite 80s musical featuring those old phags Sir Clfford of Richard and Sir Laurence Olivier? Crap of the highest order.

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