Heatwave! I used to call it Summer

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Now do fuck off.
Are we having thunderstorms, with flooding, etc.

Or is the sun going to carry on shining, with no rain and hosepipe bans already in place?

Make your bloody mind up, I wanted to wash the duvet cover this weekend!

Fucking fence-sitting ditherers!

More on the delights of summer from Jeezum below.

Summer days but, ah!, those Summer nights!

It really nice, when the weather is kind and you can go sit outside with your e-reader, dog and a glass of something chilled.
Equally, when you can open windows to get a through draft.
What’s not so nice, however, is the donner cyclists doing wheelies at +90mph on their illegal dirt bikes ( oh, how I pray for one to encounter a HGV, as he drives up the wrong side of the road, whilst turning his head to grin at his mates).
Also, why do the people who live in the house that backs on to mine, think there’s a fucking forcefield round their boundary fence that prevents me, and a good few others, hearing their shite music and inane, drunken conversation?
Woman: laughs like a donkey braying, “oh, Barry, I never knew you were so funny”
Barry: ” It’s the way I tell ’em!”

Original, Barry. Never heard that one before. BTW, you’re not funny, you’re both just pissed as farts at 3pm on Saturday afternoon.
Tomorrow, around 5am, I’ll be walking my dog & playing Tina Turner at full volume, outside yours.
You cunts.

Independent

sheffield.gov

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

124 thoughts on “Heatwave! I used to call it Summer”

  2. Stay indoors, the sun is dangerous.
    You’re new heat pump sealed insulated house will protect you from a tan and that dreaded vitamin D.
    Trust the science.

  3. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with our weather. It used to be simple in the good old days, you knew where you were with it, it was either warm or cold and usually wet. This summer since the sun came out, there’s been a cold breeze blowing, and I got fibrositis in winter which was bloody painful, so it’s a choice of wearing summer gear and risking it or staying wrapped up and arriving home drenched in sweat. And talking of sweat, I’m getting fed up of watching tv in the evenings with it trickling down the back of my neck and having to continually dab myself with a towel. None of this used to happen before brexit.

    • Solar winds playing a major part of this summer.Tons of flarings interacting with earths magnetic field.In a nutshell.Increased volcanic activity and tectonic movements also a feature.

      Part of a 12k year regular cycle that generally ends in some type of mass extinction event.

  5. Those BBC shitheads dishing out ‘warnings’ and bitching about climate change bollocks. When everyone else is enjoying the best Summer since 2018.

    In 1976, weathermen like Michael Fish and Bill Giles would tell us to enjoy the hot weather and to have a lovely day tomorrow. Now on the BBC it’s ‘climate this, climate that’ and real scaremongering and negativity. Anything the British people like or enjoy, they (the BBC) hate and try to ruin. Well, they can fuck off.

    Talking of climate bollocks, that Greta Mongberg did actually say on June 21st 2018 that climate change and use of fossil fuels would ‘destroy all humanity in five years time.’

    Well, five years later (last week) I waited and fuck all happened. What a stupid shit talking rubber faced gobshite spaz she is.🤣

    • Latest BBc woke right on shite.

      Stephen fucking Lawrence, again.
      ( Even though the latest suspect is DEAD…!

      Costs more to send illegal immo,s to Rwanda than keep the cunts here .

      (LET’S KEEP ALL THE ILLEGAL FUCKERS THEN)

      You see that smug twat Fiona Bruce and before she opens her gob you know it’s all going to be lefty liberal woke anti British propoganda…..💩

      • Not for nothing is is now known as the Black Broadcasting Corporation.

        Ah, Saint Stephen of the Blessed Lawrence again. One of the Beeb’s major obsessions. Of course they still tell us that Saint Stephen was a shining example, an aspiring NASA scientist, a concert pianist, a tireless charity worker, a perfect son to his horrendous mama, and he never did nutihn wrong in his life nevah.

        No doubt there will be yet another ‘Black History Month’ soon enough.

      • I don’t mean to sound overly harsh here but I’m sick of listening to these black cunts.

        There’s been many more “racist” murders in this country than just your son’s. However unfortunate and horrendous it may have been to those who were emotionally involved.

        If only the same sense of balance was shown with every murder which involved being the wrong complexion or ethnicity in the wrong place at the wrong time.

        As for the Met coming in for yet more criticism – keep it up BBC , Dame Lawrence and the rest of the rotten fucking media, because before you know it, there’ll be no decent male coppers left in the police “service” due to the constant demonisation of the institution.

        CUNTS

      • Yes – Stephen Fucking Lawrence again – and that shit-stirring ape that is Doreen. Did Lee Rigby’s mum get a dame hood?

        Anyway, saw a clip of the beeb “journalist” haranguing two blokes who were alleged to have been involved or something. What business it is of the bbc? However, I doubt plod would do anything about it.

    • People who watch the BBC are the reason there are instructions on shampoo bottles.

  6. Alex Beresford who does the weather on the evening ITV News is one of the worst for dick holding nannying ‘advice’ on drinking water, staying indoors out of the sun and putting on sun cream. Cheers Alex, I was just about to squirt some factor 30 on my burger.

    Wanker.

    • I’ve seen loads of clueless cunts in the past week with dogs but no water for the dogs with them, water for themselves of course, but the dog is panting like Gary Glitter at a… well… a Gary Glitter concert.
      Clueless, utterly clueless.

      • This is another thing that infuriates me.
        Since it started warming up, I’ve taken my pup a walk before 6am most days, and certainly no later than 7am.

        Then I see muppets with their designer mongrels out from 11am onwards, walking on the hottest side of the street on the tarmac. Poor hounds. Not only that, but they rarely pick up the crap.
        Doing their bit for the environment, by fertilising the weeds, twats!

      • Not a big deal to pack a small rucky/shoulder bag is it ? water,dish,leatherman,basic first-aid and a mason screwtop jar for onward disposal of canine logs ?

    • Aye. Why doesn’t he just say, “Remember that today temperatures will rise to about 39 degrees Celsius, so make sure that you don’t direct the sun’s rays through a magnifying glass directly onto your bellends or fannies.”

  7. You knobs need to live in the modern world. We don’t have weather anymore, we have CLIMATE CRISIS!!
    A few days of temperatures in the high twenties…..CLIMATE CRISIS!
    A big thunderstorm with shitloads of rain……CLIMATE CRISIS!
    Some cunt lobs a fag butt and starts a forest fire…..CLIMATE CRISIS!
    So be very afraid and don’t moan when we take your money…..it’s all for your own good. Don’t you care about the Polar bears you fucking raaaaaay-sists and homophobes?
    Consider yourselves educated. No need to thank me.

    • Even the bloody energy company, EOn, have started yakking about the ‘climate crisis’ in their ads!

      • Yes a complete load of shite. Fucking wankers. Should I let them know of the 30ish year old boiler I have which is still working? Might give some cunt a stroke. Hopefully its Greta.

      • @CuntyMort; You’re ahead of me, our boiler is 1997 vintage, works a treat, had a couple of faults which I fixed myself at minimal cost. Friend of mine persuaded by British Gas to replace his old boiler reckons it’s the biggest mistake he ever made. Claimed to be more efficient but any savings wiped out ten times over by cost of repairs on this over-complicated unreliable piece of shit. That’s before you even put the capital cost of installing the thing into the equation.

        @Miles; suggest you tell them your preferred pronoun is “cunt.” With any luck the twat who reads it will have an attack of the vapours and fall off it’s fucking chair.

  8. There’s usually only a few minutes in the day when you can actually enjoy the nice weather as the neighbours will invariably go outside and behave like grade A cunts.
    I seem to have developed a distaste for screaming kids. I bet if I start bellowing drunken songs, their parents will be the first to complain.

    • My neighbour has been out in the road, howling like a wolf/banshee, and upsetting the local dogs and gulls. I believe the rozzers are already onto him.

      • Perfectly normal behaviour round here. We only worry when the idiot starts saying he’s a werewolf, and tries to bite people.
        Then we get the dangerous dog restraining pole out, and the tazer.

  9. Never mind all this catastrophizing about heatwaves and thunderstorms.

    Did you get that duvet cover washed or not JP?

      • Dear me, CM, 20° if you don’t mind.

        The ecofriendly tabs I use are effective at practically zero, plus I used a laundry cleanser the kill the germs.

      • Jeez, I think I’d rather hear neighbour Barry’s hackneyed jokes than Tina Turner.

      • Well, Captain, short of “The Birdy Song”, I couldn’t think of anything more annoying.

      • More annoyin than the Birdy Song? The eu anthem. I wonder if Uncle Elsan and floppy-haired twat Verminhoftwat are by any chance related (and possibly to the editor of Private Jap’sEye).

  10. I have a love/hate relationship with the summer. I do love the energising rays of our glorious Creator/Destroyer, Yahweh beaming down on my bean, healing my physically, mentally and spiritually, but on the other hand, everyone seems to get loud as fuck in Britain on hot days. The engine-revving cunts who are bad enough the rest of the year, get really giddy and amped up, don’t they? I heard a cunt at 9:30 today that sounded like fucking Elmer Fudd trying out Formula 1.

    We don’t do really hot weather well in Britain, our society is not designed for temperatures over 23 degrees, that’s when things start to get uncomfortable and disorganised and people start acting like bellends. Not that people need a reason to act like bellends these days.

    • Alright Gordon 👍

      Not many of you Scots tan well!!
      Go a sort of angry red😡

      I being a Englishman of good breeding tan beautifully.
      Golden you could say.

      • Scots and tan do not go hand in hand.
        Did you ever see that Billy Connelly sketch, where he describes going to California or some such.
        He describes the Scots as pale blue, taking up to 4 weeks to turn milk white.

    • Surely depends what engine they’re running though PMF? Our next door neighbour has a Ferrari 308 and he’s been working on it today. I’ve been sitting in the garden listening to him running it up intermittently. Such music, up there with Mozart and Wagner.

    • That was the year that Jim fixed it for me to go to Jersey and live in an decrepit, dingy orphanage for the summer. It was so hot, the wizards there (yes, wizards, it was amazing!) made us pale white boys wear no clothes all summer and we did “scavengers hunts” in the woods and some boys disappeared without trace. Ten of the “best” boys got to go on ex-Prime Minister, Ted Heath’s yacht and again, only seven returned. Apparently, they got jobs at Buckingham Palace in the stables… where again some disappeared without trace.
      Oh well, happy days! 🙂

      • It’s a well known fact that Grocer Heath and Maggie the Milk Snatcher often ventured out in his Humber Super Snipe, Maggie’s hard erect nipples oozing milk, luring little boys from the side of the road onto the Snipe’s plush green leather rear seat…

  12. In the Daily Supress recently.

    “make sure you’re elderly neighbours are staying hydrated”
    Yes, because once you reach pension age, all your braincells die, and you need someone to bottle feed you and change your nappy!

    Also, ” 5 ways to stay safe in a thunderstorm”
    Err, don’t go outside carrying a copper rod?

    • The press are mardarsest these days Jeezum. There was none of this nanny state crap in 1976.

      And the Express are real nutters. Their front pages are usually about space aliens or the long dead Diana, Princess of Knobsuckers.

    • How do you keep your elderly neighbours hydrated, by turning the garden hose on them?

    • Last week the tarmac melted near where I park my van.

      Weather in the 30s🔥
      The grass all brown like in fuckin Kenya.

      I only remember it getting that hot in 1976 and 1991.

      It is getting hotter.
      I agree with the doom mongers on that.
      Records prove it.

      And it is a disaster.
      I now look like Trevor McDonald.
      Through no fault of my own .
      I had any say in it I’d hide in Blue John mine and only come out at night.☹️

      But it’s the cheerful cunts rubbing it in that really winds me up.

      Breathing out my arse
      Dripping in sweat,
      Flies everywhere,

      ” Nice day isn’t it?”

      “Just go fuck yourself”.

      • Horse flies are bastards. The fuckers will suck blood out of you if you stand still. The lane near us is a lovely walk in the Summer. Horses and lots of birds (including Herons and even Kestrels on occasion), but the bastard horseflies are fucking evil. And I am glad that that the birds, bats and dragonflies eat the little bastards.

      • Horse flies are evil villianous little bastards.

        They don’t differentiate between a horses arse and a picnicking manc either!

        They’ll bite anything.

        Like Di Abbott’s son
        Gnasher Abbott.

      • You’ve given me an idea.

        You know these celebrity boxing/UFC fights we keep seeing?

        How about Flabbot’s cannibalistic son vs Harvey Price?

        I’d pay to watch that.

      • I thought it was going to be ” Elephant Walk”, or ” King of the Wingers”

        Disappointed of Sheffield.

      • Swingers, fuck me sideways.
        It even corrected wingers to singers.
        I’m sure there’s someway to turn cuntingcorrect off.

      • You need to be careful Miserable before someone reports a suspicious big swarthy looking man with a beard, sweating profusely and driving a van.

        Instead of running over infidels you can say “honestly officer, it was the sweat running in my eyes that caused me to drive over those Just Stop Oil nutters.”

      • I do stay out of the sun. I have an aversion to sweating so much, muck and grass seeds stick to my skin and I feel like I’ve pissed myself.

        But of an evening, when the sun is off the garden and it’s still light and comfortably warm, I do like to sit outside. Unfortunately, there’s either some twat lights a stinking garden fire, forcing me back inside and closing the windows, so the house doesn’t smell like a compost heap, or the idiots who think their favorite rap/drill should be shared with everyone.
        Have some fucking consideration, you cunts.

    • Attach the copper rod to your electric car, get the cunt to do 400mph, for about 6 seconds.

    • Don’t knock it. I’m glad of their advice. I was about to climb a mountain carrying a forty foot copper pole during an electrical storm.

  13. And hot weather means lots of fit birds wearing not very much. Manchester City Centre has so many tits and arses on show, you could stay there all day and marvel at them.

    Always a bonus, that one.😜

    • At Piccadilly near the top of Market Street last week.
      It was a case of ‘Cor! Look at that arse!’ and ‘Cop the lungs on that!’
      and ‘There’s another one’ to ‘That one there’ and ‘Fucking Hell’ and so it went on and on. Lovely stuff.

      • Yes. I recall getting a stiffy in a beer garden (and getting laughed at for it – I didn’t give a fuck I was too pissed) after a procession of half naked fit birds on show. Mind you, this was the 90s. Now, it seems most birds are fat, gobby munters with blue hair. Seen a few fatties in tight leggings with sweaty arses.

        Not quite the same, is it?

        Glad I’m not a young, single man anymore. Not much pickings about.

        If I was, my only girlfriend would probably be Pamela Handerson.

  14. An ‘extreme weather event’ due to climate change.
    Yeah right. In other words it’s a bit wetter/drier/hotter/colder than the average for the time of year.
    The worst storm on record in Britain when more than 8000 people were killed occurred in November 1703, ie 40 years before the start of the Industrial Revolution. What caused that then?
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_storm_of_1703#:~:text=Defoe%20reported%20that%20the%20sails,to%20overheat%20and%20catch%20fire.

    • In the 17th and 18th centuries the Thames regularly froze over. In fact there were at least 7 “frost fairs” during this period where people set up markets, pubs and even lit fires on the ice. No fucking CLIMATE CRISIS back then apparently.

      • My grandfather told me about the Winter of 1963. He lived in Collyhurst, and he told me about how he had to use a shovel to dig out the outside bog from under heaps of snow.❄

        He then said that English weather has always been barmy. Arctic style snow and ice or blazing Sahara type weather That’s the way it’s always been. His exact words.

        Fuck all to do with climate change. It’s just woke negativity and lunacy. The leftie cunts have to be offended and wronged by anything and everything. Whether it’s a packet of rice, a tube of wine gums, a kids T-Shirt, or the weather. Bloody cunts who need culling.

      • I hadn’t realised you’re just a young lad Norman! Many of us on here lived through the ’63 winter. My siblings and I went to school as usual and most people went to work as usual though in those days few people travelled very far to their place of work. Virtually no-one had central heating. It was regarded as just another harsh winter as in 1947 for instance. Next such winter we have the green lobby will be on the tele telling us The End of Days has arrived.

  15. So, was it climate change that caused the great hot Summers of 1976, 1983, 1995 and 2018? If that’s the case, then hooray for climate change.👏🌞🌞🌞

    Oh, and the BBC, the Grauniad, Sky, ITV and Wikipedia can all sod off.

  16. Mrs Norman is over the big four oh. But she’s what would be referred to as a MILF, I have to say.

    She still looks top drawer in her shorts in Summer.❤

  18. On the somerset levels with all this heat and that, there has been a bumper crop of dragonflies, quite rare and unusual ones at that. So bring out an expert who says, well the long hot summer so far with little rain and the dry easterly wind has blown them in from somewhere, then goes onto say its all down to climate change. Get fucked you cunts. I am 51 this year and school summer holidays back in the late 70s early 80s were just the same then climate wise. Why these cunts have to crow bar it in to every news story is beyond me. Give them a place to stand, preferably on a rifle range.

  19. My neighbour gets her baps out sometimes when she’s sunbathing and now we have a loft I don’t need to crane my neck to get a good view.

    • That seems to be an extremely expensive way to avoid a crick in the neck, CM.
      Surely a cunning arrangement of spy cameras and mirrors would have done the job?

  20. What the fuck do these climate crisis fkn idiots want a Baltic summer, freezing your bollocks off, living in igloos and chanting “we saved the environment”

    Look behind you Greta, granny hasn’t moved a muscle because she’s dead you blind cunt and your fathers fingers have turned black because you wouldn’t allow us to light a fire you cunt and
    I’m sick to my stomach from raw fish and I can’t just fuck off because my bike isn’t worth a bollix in the ice and snow

    • I tried to express in more detail what I have been through in my life and for some reason l wasn’t allowed to.

  22. According to the television..

    Sun comes out shit yourself.

    If it rains shit yourself.

    Windy? Shit yourself.

    Snow and ice? Shit yourself then hide under the bed.

    What a set of soft cunts.

    Eco Oven.

    • I’m sat in the garden now.
      Sparrows all over the apple tree fighting over the fat balls in the birdfeeder.

      Lavender everywhere.
      Just below the dovecote a huge multi headed poppy has burst forth,
      Delicate pink in colour.
      Bees buzzing away,
      There’s a light cool breeze.
      I teach down and pick a mint leaf to chew.
      There’s a fern it’s looks prehistoric!
      5ft tall 6ft wide.
      Very relaxing.

      This isn’t a comment about the weather.

      I just wanted to brag about my garden.

      As you were.

      • See, that’s all I want to do!

        Is it to much to ask? An hour of peace, to watch the bees and butterflies taking turns to savour the nectar of my insect attracting plants?
        No bikes, no music, no drunken idiots, no screaming children.

        One hour of peace.

      • Cunt cats love to spray liberally over edibles, christ only knows what there up to at night
        wash em well.
        A straightened cats tail in a slow reverse mode is usually a target for my air rifle.
        Fantastic gymnasts are cats

      • You are Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and I claim my free night at the river cottage.

      • Have you also got foxgloves taller than yourself and a morello cherry tree taller than the house. I hope so.

  24. Generation iPhone, addicted to the ridiculous for likes and attention
    A very real global threat and much worse than the climate throwing a wobbly now and again.
    Remove an iPhone from any teenager these days and witness the meltdown.
    No eco warriors or politicians talk about this, as they are way too busy saving us from our wicked ways , uploading content for their fix of likes.
    All are addicted, junkies for attention, all the while the real grasp of importance slips and may never return. the Abyss

  26. Off topic, but Matthew White, the possible 6th killer, in the murder of Stephen Laurence, never convicted, due to “institutional racism,” died before he was tried. Well I guess he had the right surname! Fuck them all !!

    • Baroness Doreen will demand his body is exhumed and made to stand trial.

      And she’ll sue for millions.

      Stephen Lawrence.
      Shite martial artist
      Every giving cash cow.

      • Between that racist owd grifting bitch and the fifth column that makes up the BBCistan I dare say they’ll have the cunt dug up,tried then hanged.

        A parade of vermin.

      • Maybe she can see the rug doctor and get a new syrup for the occasion.

        Her hair looks like it’s had too much foot traffic.

    • Baroness Doreen Laurence indeed! By god she’s fucking ugly! Probably gave her that title to shut her up. Well that didn’t work did it? She reminds me of one of those servant/kitchen maids that would have been around many years ago. Ever house needs a slave, or two. Probably after that Windrush fucking lot, that never bothered to rush back. Bunch of complaining cunts! Well you’ve had ye holiday, now do the decent thing & fuck off back to where you came from.

  29. Off topic-

    Poor Prigozhin. His march on Moscow has ended prematurely.
    He has failed in his goal.

    ‘Putin’s Cook’.

    But now he says didn’t want to topple Putin.

    They said he could ‘move’ to Belarus. But Belrussians don’t want him there.
    And he had all his bags packed.

    Where is he going to go?

    He was a hot dog seller when he started out.

    • Where’s he going to go? It’s a bit obvious innit? That’s if he doesn’t accidentally fall out of a window beforehand. That tends to happen to cunts who oppose Vlad the Lad. Fingers crossed.

    • New head of the met police miles, I reckon he could get a grip on the just stop oil vermin..

      • Isn’t it great when a someone with Power starts to lose power….
        Like…can’t spell it…the guy in Romania. Suddenly his authority started to slip. At that speech he gave.
        Same with Saadam. Laying the law down until until it doesn’t hold sway.
        Same with Putin now. He’s going to ‘bring the traitors to justice’
        No you’re not. Your hold us …failing.

      • Very true Miles.

        Every dictator (you would hope) has his day.

        Not much different to cunts such as the Canadian soyboy Justin Turdeau, Granny botherer Macron and Jacinda “the kind one” Ardern a couple of years ago one could argue.

        Just that they were political tyrants from a different geopolitical region following a different agenda.

      • Very true Miles

        Every dictator (you would hope) has their day.

        Not unlike the behaviour of cunts such as Justin Trudeau, Emanuel Macron and Jacinda Ardern a couple of years ago one could argue.

        To think that if we’d had a Labour government then we’d have had Sir Keir joining in with that trio of corrupt cunts.

        Political tyrants from a different region.

        It’s ok when we do it.

    • Prigozhin separated from his Wagner legion, who are basically loyal to Russia. it’s doubtful that he was on the Wests payroll as he would already be dead but it looks like frustration on he’s part with the Russian strategy in this conflict
      He has made it clear with Moscow that it’s time to finish the job swiftly and it will be Washington calling for peace negotiations but Vlad is not for that so far, so isolation for Prigozhin.
      One sure thing though is that “Wagner will be Bach”

      Vlad will probably up the ante as a result of this internal visit, to show strength in Moscow.
      Ukcrying is going down the drain, there won’t be a Ukraine left, just another Kosovo west of the napper

      • It’s ok with the West when a country allied to Russia (Serbia) has a chunk of its land stolen from it by an ethnic majority in the region (Albanian Muslims)

      • “…Prigozhin separated from his Wagner legion, who are basically loyal to Russia….”

        Exactly, as I pointed out in an earlier thread, the average Russian soldier is a patriot before he is anything else. Yer man Prigozhin was Putin’s greengrocer and knows nothing of military strategy but yet insists he knows better than the Russian general staff on how to prosecute a war. Fucking twat.
        Claiming that he didn’t have artillery munitions when all around him Russia was laying down 20,000 rounds a day? He was talking total shit.
        He’s just another kvetching elderly jewish… (what? you didn’t know?) …billionaire oligarch bitching that his toys have been taken away from him through Putin’s decision to break up Wagner and incorporate them into the regular army.

  30. I remember fondly the summer of 1995.

    The sun seemed to shine for about 4 consecutive months bar the very odd day.

    Everyone loved it and not once was climate change mentioned.

    Now, thanks to our lovely media and “the science” (yes! those lot, remember them – who wish us no harm – honest) you must enjoy the warm summer sunshine but with a subliminal never ending feeling of fear and panic that the world is about to end.

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