Laptops that do as they please

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My HP laptop.
Yes, I’m cunting my fucking laptop.

I don’t know what model it is but it is painfully slow, struggles to run a basic text document, let alone Firefox or even NX Studio, without difficulties.

It has now developed a habit of restarting itself and losing portions of my work AFTER I HAVE SAVED IT.

After a positive experience with the Elitebook all of this is exceptionally disappointing.

Nominated by OpinionatedCunt.

52 thoughts on “Laptops that do as they please”

  1. Agree my fucking lap top spends hrs uploading shit that I don’t want and then I have fuck about removing it.

  2. I wouldn’t have a laptop. Can’t stand the keyboards and I loathe trackpads, no control over the curser at all. My cheap tablet, frustrating as it can be, suffices for round the house and I don’t need anything for our and about.

  3. Oh dear,it sounds like the hard drive is getting ready to pack in…brace yourself for The Blue Screen of Death sir.

    If you have a USB memory stick or other external storage device I’d start saving all your work etc to that so that in the event of laptop meltdown your stuff will be safe from loss.

    If it does die consider buying a laptop that uses SSD memory instead of a traditional HDD,they seem to be the future and are possibly more reliable and long lasting…

    Other than hardware going mad what gets me rather cross is the way Microsoftarse uses its operating system to boss the user about and attempt to force the use of some pretty naff,if not downright shitty,in house software.

    The bloated woke spying cunts.

    • Thanks for reminding me, UT…I need to transfer some truly astonishing dark web pọrn off my PC and onto an external hard drive.

      • They have probably been watching outtakes from some of our films from Boggs Pornographic Film Productions (Taiwan) Ltd. I just hope it isnt those scenes involving Liza Nandy, a whip, jiggle-balls, a dildo, an infltable duck. rubber boots and a mirror on a stick, which I filmed when I was stoned. She will never forgive me!

    • Certainly agree with your first step there Tel; BACK IT UP!

      Before throwing money at it though I would try deleting any junk you can which you don’t need/use and then defragmenting the drive. Probably the main reason machines slow down with age is the files which are broken up and scattered all over the drive.

      SSD I think is definitely the way to go now. Very fast and importantly, especially for a laptop, much more robust and likely to survive hard knocks. They have a limit on the number of write cycles but unless you are loading huge amounts of porn on a regular basis it’s unlikely realistically to be a problem. Found this article which might be of interest:

      https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/estimate-remaining-lifespan-ssd/

  4. I just upgraded my macbook to osx monterey and now my iphone music playlists are missing ?
    Cunts at Apple. Will now have to do an erase and reinstall an old operating system. Don’t ever upgrade your operating system weather it’s Windows or Apple unless you really have to.
    If ain’t broke don’t fix it.

  5. I deliberately avoid using computers deliberately to watch the faces of people in business who tell me to go online or can then send me an email.

    Fucking funny telling people no, sorry don’t do that computer stuff….you will have to send me a letter or call me…’may I have your mobile number?’

    ‘Don’t have one……only have a landline where you can leave a message’

    The look of confusion as to what to do next is priceless.

    Cunts

    • You may not be surprised to discover how many young cunts have no idea what a landline even is.

  6. We didn’t know how well off we were with our Amstrad PcW 512’s. Only had a modem if you wanted one in the early pre-shopping mall days of the internet. The printer was connected to the machine, and there were no phishing scams and no n*g-n*g “Chiefs” who wanted to give us 30,000 pounds in exchange for our bank details.

    • I remember playing on my ZX Spectrum, aged about 14, thinking “this is amazing, graphics will never get better than this!”

      • Well said Thomas..

        I was a heretic and owned the Commodore 64,first class entertainment and yet loading from tape was like walking a tightrope over a shit filled ditch,otherwise known as Birmingham.

      • C64? You posh cunt! “Rich” kids at my school got the shit kicked out of them.
        If you didn’t have a Speccy, you were ostracised and quite right too.

      • Haha!
        Indeed and even more galling is the fact that before the C64 I owned a Vic20..

        I did also own a Raleigh Grifter in my defence.

      • A grifter not a chopper? And a Vic 20?!
        Fuck me, did your parents hate you, UT?!

      • Oi! Watch it Tel!

        My wife was born and raised in Birmingham.

        And she hasn’t got a sun tan.

  7. Don’t take it to PC World to get it repaired like Mr Gadd did. I bet the cunt thinks about that everyday, life’s never been the same since he took his in for repair

    • Best reason to avoid PC World is the fact that they are fucking clueless, they don’t know their arse from a hole in the ground. A friend of mine returned to the shop with a machine he had bought a few months earlier for some minor fault. One of their “experts” put the machine on the desk, switched it on and he was then treated to the spectacle of this clown pushing the blade of a screwdriver through a grille and producing a flash and a bang followed by a plume of smoke. Said idiot waved away the smoke and said;

      “Oh. You’d better leave it with us.”

      I asked about the network port on one of their machines and they gave me a smart-looking printout of all the specs. The printout said it was Broadcom. It was Realtek. That had me going round in circles for a while trying to load a driver. A better bet is if you can find a small setup run by knowledgable enthusiasts, commonly to be found working in small industrial units. I’ve dealt with one such in Watford for decades though I realise thay’s not much use to you if you live in Durham.

      • Yeah I know, I wanted a new battery for my iPhone and apple wanted 100 quid and me to schedule an appointment. Fuck that. Looked on Facebook and found some chinky kid that was well recommended locally. 75 quid for new battery, plus he cleaned it up and stuck a new screen protector on. Happy days

  8. No idea what you’re on about. Each of my Macs has been fucking fantastic.

    • I would. But then, I’d quite like to watch a prostitute get dissolved in a vat of concentrated sulphuric acid, as Hunter (allegedly) did, with Joe watching on…

  10. It’s more likely the o/s to blame, especially if it is Bill Gates Microsoft bloatware.
    At work, someone filled the hard drive just putting on their bloody patches.
    At least that annoying animated paper clip seems to be history

  11. My laptop is also a cunt. Just sits there with its fans on full chat normally frozen when I’m trying to undertake basic Word stuff

  12. I’ve always found that a brougue hand adjustment works wonders on misbehaving electrical equipment.

  13. I dont use a laptop as you cant readily customise them without hassle and the’y’re too expensive compared to desktops with the same performance.

  14. Save everything you need to a data stick, wipe the operating system. Either
    (1) reinstall the operating system if you have the disc. Or (better)
    (2) Install Linux*. If it works ok, fine – you can read most Microsucks files in LibreOffice ™. If it doesn’t work, bite the bullet and scrap the thing,

    *Free, or extremely cheap as CD on Ebay. I like Mint, but Ubuntu is also fine for non-techies. If the laptop is very old, a smaller distro may be better.

  15. When I first went self employed my missus insisted I get a laptop.

    ” It’ll be so useful!.
    All small businesses use them!.”

    I told her I hated computers.
    I told her I’ve a tendency to kill technology.
    She insisted.

    I’ve used it once a year to compile my tax return.

    And now use my phone for that.

    I only really go online to post on here.
    For which I use my phone.

    My laptop must be Scouse because it’s done a hour a years work for 10years and now’s retired.

    Laptops 👎

    • Off topic –

      Archbishop Justin Welby given a £500 fine an 3 points on his license.

      😄
      Obviously he doesn’t see speeding and dangerous driving as immoral?

      I just wish Doreen Lawrence was crossing the road at the time!
      Or Saddick khan.

      The image of one of them wrapped around the wheels as Justin panics is too delicious.🙂

      • When the policeman told Justin he was going to charge him I bet he said “Oooh, duckie, you’ve got me banged to rights, dear. I do love a man in uniform”

  16. My laptops 8 years old, works fine.

    If you buy a laptop buy one with a decent CPU, go for one with enough memory to run apps as well as the operating system.

    Make sure it has an SSD not a mechanical disk. If you can afford Apple then go for a MacBook Pro.

    If all you’re doing is browsing and sending emails a Chromebook is fine but if you run any kind of hardware hungry app then spend money.

    You can refurb your old laptop and stick Linux on it but you may as well wank on a bus because most Linux enthusiasts are fucking weird.

    When I see laptops that are running badly it’s because they are cheap shit or because they have been used by chimps who download shit software and look at too much porn and get infested with all kinds of nasty malware.

    • ” you may as well wank on a bus because most Linux enthusiasts are fucking weird.”

      Non sequitur. The weirdness of Linux enthusiasts does not make the system any less useful. Rather the reverse, in fact, as they are able to contribute to its constant improvement.

      So, as we’re being snotty, most Mac enthusiasts have more money than sense.

      Behind the marketing hype and the hardware incompatibility, Mac is derived from UNIX, just like Linux and BSD.
      Like Android, incidentally, and the Red Hat Linux your server is probably running.
      And that’s what makes them all more useful than Microsucks.

      • Apple products work Komodo. Microsoft products work…..mostly. Linux has its place but for the average user it’s just not a useful OS.

        OSX might have Unix roots but it’s a long way from Linux. Linux is useful for some jobs but most of them are backend services. For the average user linux desktop distributions are akin to wanking on a bus. No we don’t have any Linux servers on the network, we are even retiring our Linux based firewall because it’s wank.

        The free desktop operating system hasn’t caught on because it’s clunky and once you start to purchase support for paid applications it’s more expensive than windows as a desktop OS.

        Android is also shite, even when it’s been tweaked by Google or Samsung for their devices it’s a glitchy peace of shit.

      • You are rattling my cage, SV. So I’ll rattle yours.

        You appear to have more familiarity with wanking on a bus than with any variant of Linux. I’m not a huge technophile, but I’ve been using Debian-based distros for 15 years and your description, while once true, is well out of date now.

        Paid applications? What for? I’ve never needed one. Photoshop? (@£££ per month)… I use GIMP. Free. Molecular modelling? Audio editing? Free. What have you in mind that I am likely to need?

        I think you do protest too much. And I know you pay too much…as does your employer.

      • You’re going to have to try a lot harder to rattle my cage than that me old China.

        I’ve enough experience of Linux to know the average user can’t get along with it, some of them have meltdown’s because the windows start button has moved a few inches.

        You have 15 years experience with the nerd operating system but Doris from HR does not, besides which none of the software she uses runs on Linux.

        I don’t know why you’re so upset? This isn’t the site to be thin skinned and I didn’t call you personally a bus wanker but I might possibly think your sense of humour is about to blue screen.

        Smile brethren…..

      • GIMP won’t let you save images as cmyk, and seems to have wholly incompatible file ext.
        I spent two days trying to ‘disassemble’ a job that a client made, ready for print.
        It’s bollocks, and you can download a cracked copy of PS for free.

    • I’m using Linux on a 10y old laptop.
      Works like a charm.
      Never had any significant problems.
      Handling is way more efficient & the OS by magnitudes more customizable than that patronising Apple crap. I have so far converted two former Apple/Windoze users to move to Linux. Both have been happy ever since.

      Apple is woke papism, viz a Cunt.

      And yes, cost me less than 300 quid a piece (used Lenovo T4xx ). Fine & durable hardware.

  17. I disabled the trackpad on mine and plugged in a mouse, and a full size keyboard via usb.
    Don’t know people operate one using that useless fucking tracking pad.

    • I find an onscreen keyboard mouse operated arrangement works well.If occasionally dipping into the mailonline (appointed rimmers of the Windsor corp) i can deftly conceal the celeb crap in the right side of screen beguiling me with tales of ‘taut abs’ etc and the general z-list sewage of the day bubbling away,concealed beneath the expanded black screen.

  20. I don’t pay for a TV licence anymore haven’t since 2012. Fuck them. I used to love BBC Sport back in the day. Match of the day, boxing, Olympics coverage, Grandstand! Motocross on a Sunday. These days it’s shite and full of lefty cunts like Lineker. I don’t even watch the snooker on it anymore which was a staple for years with David Vine and Ted Lowe.

    Used to love wildlife on one, any Attenborough nature program. Stopped watching when they staring preaching at the end “look at what you have done to the planet!” Fuck off, it’s not my fault Brazil are cutting the Amazon down or America are pumping out CO2. What do you expect me to do about it?

    I do illegally watch Inside No.9 on iplayer I must admit but I can’t justify paying a full licence fee for one program.

    • That should have been in the BBC cunting!!! Fucking technology! I’ll copy and paste!

  21. Hp laptops are a fucking joke, you might do better with a speak and spell if you can stand the steven hawking voice box. My dad had an hp one and we put a grinder through the cunt, no intel inside now. Lenovo all the way in my gaff, still running windows 7, there tablets are good too and not that pricey. Gert lush.

  23. Laptops are fiendishly expensive when you examine their specs.
    Even the top end ones have cpus about 2 generations out of date. Their storage is pathetic .They charge a fortune for a 1Tb ssd which you will fill up surprisingly quickly.
    Am I right in thinking that they eventually get clogged with dust and get too hot ?
    Best to build your own desktop with components purchased from places like Scan or CCL.
    (Have you seen the size of some of the HDDs on sale? Some of them are 22Tb ! Imagine the data loss if one of them dies on you!)

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