Public emergency alerts

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The government have announced that from April, its thick as pig shit citizens are to receive mobile phone alerts for serious weather events, such as flooding, or even possibly terror incidents.

All sounds noble enough and it will apparently ‘save lives’.
Yet we all know where this is leading when they use the word ‘initially’.

‘Initially’ it will only be used when there is risk to life, but you can bet your bollocks it’ll morph into risk to health or the environment.

Our phones will be emitting a siren like wail whenever the temperature drops below zero, or there’s a 10 percent chance of a centimetre of snow, or if the thermometer goes over 20, or it hasn’t rained for a fortnight.

Yes we can alter the alerts in our settings, but big brother strongly advises we don’t, which probably means they’ll change it so we can’t.

Apparently it’s used by the USA, Japan and the Netherlands and good luck to them but the last time I checked, we aren’t at risk from tornadoes, tsunamis or earthquakes.
I look forward to my phone howling advice on applying sun block at 3am.
What a load of cunt!

Bbc news

Nominated by Field Marshal Cuntgomery.

119 thoughts on “Public emergency alerts”

  1. Despite much digging I’ve not been able to find a way to block this shit on my rather old mobile telephone.

    Bitterly disappointing,as I fucking hate these cunts interfering in my private business..plus of course it’s the thin end of a particularly vile wedge.

    I think the best solution is to encase my telephone in concrete then put it in a lead box til this bollocks blows over.

    The mithering Big Government Cunts.

    Fuck off.

  2. What a load of old cunt! Does anyone else get threatening calls from the Chinese embassy? I’m fucking bored with them!

  3. “You are about to enter Tower Hamlets. This is PEACEFUL country. Please go home and do not disturb the PEACEFULS. Especially if you have any underage girls with you. Thankyou, we appreciate your cooperation.”

    • Now that’s an acceptable use for an alert system in my opinion.

  4. If it was a video of Lucy Verasamy in a bikini demonstrating how to apply sun cream, I could live with that.

  5. Maybe the Dutch need phone alerts on how they are going to feed themselves after they have got rid of all the cows, pigs and sheep and sold off the dairy farms and hatcheries in the name of net zero headbanging. Apart from all the bugs they are expected to eat.

      • https://archive.is/DGfQA

        or search on balmoral hotel sturgeon for more of the same…

        The interesting thing is though, seeing as there’s no truth behind these vile rumours…Krankie itself has said so, and Krankie is an honourable manwomanbeard type thing… are these truly what the Interim Interdicts and Super Injunctions are hiding?

    • She went from wanting to be a high-flying stateswoman, a “global leader”, the most significant person in Scotland to… a nobody. You got it, hen, you got it!

      I would imagine very few people can roll of their tongue, the name, “Humza Yousaf”. It must sound like, “Huns are useless” when Celtic fans say it. What a shower.

  8. https://www.gov.uk/alerts

    You can opt out, the article tells you.
    More meddling bollocks, they can fuck right off, I’ve got a 2g dumb phone if they insist on interfering.
    It won’t stop there either, you can bet your house on it.Ill dig up another link to give you developer authorisation for your smartphone.

  9. If the government and the civil service are in charge of it, all we will probably get are our phones hacked.

  10. The only emergency alert of any value would be to warn the public that Lady Nugee, as a good Socialist, has just emerged from the Connaught after a night on the foie gras, oysters, caviar and truffles, washed down with a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild ’78, and is about to let rip.
    The ensuing storm force gale and noxious gas emission would pose a severe risk to life, so people should be advised to stay indoors with all windows and doors kept shut.

  11. I think we are being warned for when our little island is on the verge of being sunk, when the final 15 year old bearded 30 stone illegal immigrant steps from a solo dinghy on to our British shores.

  12. More Nanny State bullshit. They love to scare the shit out of us and control us. We know how much they loved the Batshit Flu, pushing us around and closing things down. While we were cowering at home and social distancing they were pissing it up and , in the case of the Minister of Health, fucking their secretaries. They took us for fucking mugs so they can kiss my arse and fuck off while they’re doing it.

    • There must be more material other than what they’ve already shown.
      Although, I don’t suppose we’ll ever get a news story with some pixelated footage of Wancock bumming his floozy over the ministerial desk.
      Or vice – versa.
      Stay safe.

  13. I feel secure knowing that this will probably implemented by the Home Office, that bastion of competence and efficiency.

  15. I’t’s only natural as the IQ of the nation plummets that we should have the government telling us when to take a shit. Professionals are on the move out, gorrmless transkids being indoctrinated in schools and leaving school illiterate, with no social or practical skills, and importing of boatloads of criminals.

    Welcome to the new feudal age.

    • Aye CP,plummet it certainly does as immigration increases.

      Perhaps an alert to how many potential brain surgeons have landed on Kent beaches daily would be of benefit.

      Then again,mustard gas.

  16. Katie Price already gets alerts for when its too hot and bits of her are in danger of melting.

    • We should get an alert when she is out driving. Cheaper than putting her in prison where she fucking should be.

    • Alerts? For public emergencies?

      We here in the UK are blessed with boring weather.
      No tornadoes
      No 7ft of snow
      No tsunami
      No earth quakes
      No active volcanoes
      No angry surfacing Godzilla off our shores

      We’re lucky.
      Terror attack you say?
      Fair enough,
      Won’t it be localised though?

      If it’s a nutter with a machete on London Bridge no real need to alert Duncan in the Outer Hebrides ?

      He’s a sheep farmer and not seen another human being since last Wednesday.

      I’ll opt out.
      I like surprises.

      A alert screeching at me at 2am because it’s raining isn’t on my list of things I need.

      Shove it up your arse.

      • That nutter on London Bridge would be the sultan of London keeping the place safe from the right wing climate deniers.

      • You can just see zombified dumb cunts dehydrating or getting sunburnt because their phone hasn’t told them what to do.

        Or maybe working from home after being alerted “today there is a 27% chance of a terrorist attack. Happy Ramadan!”.

      • There will always be a risk of terrorist attacks as long as they are here and the dinghy/RNLI t taxi rips continue unabated.

        Anyway, since when did our intelligence services or government warn anyone? They knew who Lee Rigby’s murderers were, but was he warned? Were the Manchester Arena concert goers warned? Was Sir David Arness warned? A bit fucking late now.

    • Beautiful day cunters!
      Dickie birds tweeting in the hedgerows
      Lambs frolicking in the fields,
      Sun shining,…

      Just been the pub for Sunday dinner and a pint,
      Paragliders floating around Mam Tor,
      People out walking with family,
      Mountain biking etc.

      God I wish it would rain..

  18. Just disabled my emergency alerts.

    The only alert I need is the mass deportations of dinghy cunts, but I can wait for the tears of Woke lefty cunts, probably causing a flood 😂

  19. Yes, we have this shit in the US and you cannot disable it. It’s some kind of presidential notification thing. It is a blatant abuse of a privately owned communications device. I deeply resent this intrusion.

    My device – my rules. Fuck off.

    We also have to endure “Amber Alerts” on weather radios as well. When I bought mine I don’t remember agreeing to be notified at any hour of the day or night about some cunt abducting a kid. I don’t fucking care. Some kids are little shits and ought to be abducted, but I still don’t want to hear about it.

    • If anyone wants to abduct a kid they just dress as a trannie, go into a school and take one. Nobody will stop them.
      That’s if there’s any left after some cunt has gone in there and shot the fuck out of the place.

    • The fucking Amber alerts are the worst! Some couple in Rebel Corners, Alabama get into a custody battle and I’ve got to be on the lookout for their kids Dylan and Madison, last seen in Dad’s pickup truck heading for the park.

      Speaking of Presidential…the only message I want on my phone is when Trump gets re-elected…and then sound them all…sirens, horns, church bells, choirs of Heavenly Angels…

  20. Instead of a siren. Can I have an alert tone that shouts…..
    Mr. Grimsdale !
    Mr. Grimsdale !
    It’s a more civilised and light hearted way of being alerted to tosh.
    Good afternoon.

  21. Imagine if they sent one out every time Katie Price had cock in her mouth?

  22. Here in the US we get so many that it’s become crying wolf. Usually a domestic abduction in a town I never heard of. You hear everyone’s phone around you going off with this shit at once. Annoying but I guess it may help get kids back from one shitty parent to the other.

  24. We’re becoming a nation of fucking morons who can’t thinknfor themselves as indicated in the shite we keep getting sent to. Yesterday, 40-something yof, diarrhoea and vomiting, started two hours ago, called 111 (and the cunts fucking love passing calls to us…), for ‘advice’. On fucking what?? You’ve got the shits, love. What the fuck do you think I’m going to do about it??? Take some fucking Imodium, sip fluids and stay near the fucking khazi. Dozy fucking trollop. One of many, all fucking day.

    “Just in case”. Cunts who say this will lap these ‘Alerts’ up.

    • Never mind DCI, doubtless social media will be the saviour of the terminally short of IQ.

      • Must be something in that, Mr Cunt-Engine judging by the amount of cunts that are ‘iphone +ve’ in the truck or ED.

      • When the doctor was giving Freddie Mercury the devastating news that he had full-blown AIDS, he asked the doctor if he was sure.
        “Am I sure?” retorted the doc, “I’m HIVpositive!”

    • I dare say the toll on our emergency services due to this new siren will be quite awful.

      Not that a load of pencil necked cunts in Westminster will give a fuck.

      Oven.

  25. My Dad said they did this before WW2 broke out , obviously not mobile phones but they would set off air raid sirens and say, no need to worry, theirs no chance of a war we’re just testing the sirens

  26. I was at a dinner party and got involved in a conversation half way through when the host asked, “So, what’s yours like?”
    I said, “Sorry?”
    He said, “Your ring tone, what is it?”
    I thought it was a strange question but I told him, “A light browny colour I’d imagine, I’ve never looked. I’d need a mirror.”
    He said, “On your phone, the ring tone on your phone.”

  28. That Tomaz Knackers-yard. He cares that bloke. When it’s cold he says- ‘wrap up warm if you’re going out’ then adds -‘put on an extra layer’.

    They care about us in Telly Land.

  29. One day little 12 year old Johnny was on a day trip with his Mum and Dad when an evil snackbar got out a gun and began shooting indiscriminately. Johnny’s Dad was killed but before Mum was despatched she told her son to run and hide, so he did.

    5 minutes later the snackbar was still alive and looking for more people to shoot. Then he heard that emergency phone alert and figured there must be someone just there and sure enough…

  30. Perhaps we could have one five minutes before Linekar opens his trap and Jordan opens her legs?

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