Okay settle down children, I’m going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time in a faraway land called New Wokeland there lived a tribe of people called The Keewees. One of the Keewees, a girl called Jacinda, was not happy because lots of Keewees were so poor their children lived in cars. ‘Make me your Queen’ said Jacinda to the other Keewees ‘and I will stop children living in cars, for I am Jacinda, I am kind and I can do no wrong.’ So the Keewees made her their Queen and Jacinda set about making New Wokeland a better place.
Some time later a strange yellow virus started affecting people worldwide. ‘We don’t want that here’ said Jacinda, so she shut New Wokeland off from the whole world. Even Keewees who were visiting other lands could not return home, and they were not happy. When vaccines against the virus were available, some Keewees did not want to have them, so Jacinda made them second-class citizens. Then she gave more rights to the Mowrees, a group of Keewees who had been in New Wokeland longer than the other Keewees, who were not happy. When some Keewees contradicted her Jacinda said ‘They all lie, only I am to be believed, for I am Jacinda, I am kind and I can do no wrong.’
Then some people from other lands wanted to live in New Wokeland to make a better life for themselves, but Jacinda would not let them come because they had medical needs and her doctors were already busy. ‘This is terrible’ shouted all the world’s Right Thinking People, assuming a horrible man called Donald or Boris must be King of New Wokeland. But when they found out it was Jacinda, they all chorused ‘That’s okay, for she is Jacinda, she is kind and she can do no wrong.’
But the Keewees were not happy. Three times as many children were now living in cars and Jacinda realised they didn’t want her to be Queen any longer. She had ‘nothing left in the tank’, a strange allusion to the burning of fossil fuels for a girl who believed in climate catastrophe. So she gave up being Queen, and all the world’s Right Thinking People were very sad.
But then one day, Prince Charming from the land where illegal immigrants live in hotels and army veterans live on the streets contacted Jacinda. ‘I want you to be Queen of the World’ said Prince Charming ‘and fly around the globe many times over to lecture the great unwashed about Climate Catastrophe’. This was just what Jacinda had been hoping for, as frankly New Wokeland had been too small to accommodate her ego.
So Jacinda became Queen of the World, and all the world’s Right Thinking People lived happily ever after.
Nominated by Geordie Twatt.
She was one fake insincere cunt. I got so sick and tired of her wheeling out her compassionate face. Why did nobody call her out for cultural appropriation when we dressed up in all that Maori clobber?
2