Cazoo – Used Car Dealer Gone Bust

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A belated cunting please for Cazoo.

Their stock value has plunged 97 percent (yes, really) in under a year, and as a result they’re cancelling the contracts of their month to month customers – and demanding the cars back – so that they will have more saleable assets available when shit really hits the fan.

Can you run a company into the ground whilst establishing yourselves as the worst in your industry? Cazoo yeah you can.

CarDealer Magazine

Nominated by: OpinionatedCunt

(And here’s an update. Day Admin –  CarDealer Magazine 2 )

36 thoughts on “Cazoo – Used Car Dealer Gone Bust”

  1. Cazoo I thought that was just a annoying musical instrument, like the bagpipes.

    Another bunch of cunts with no business sense..
    Still I bet someone’s come out of it smelling of roses.

  2. Can you make Harry Wormwood look like an honest businessman? Cazoo yeah you can.

  3. Isn’t that the company that poo-breathed fist-accommodator Rylan Clark advertises?
    Imagjne how many oil and plugs changes he’s accomplished?!

    • From Blackadder 2 :

      Physician – “So you’ve started fancying boys have you ?”
      Edmund – “Well a boy…yes”
      Physician – “Let’s not split hairs. Naturally you’re worried”
      Edmund – “Obviously I’m worried”
      Physician – “Well of course you are. It’s not every day you wake up to find you’re a screaming bender, with no more right to live on God’s clean earth than a weasel…..Ashamed of yourself ?”
      Edmund – “Not really”
      Physician – “Bloody hell, I would be ! Still, who am I to complain ? It leaves more rampant totty for us REAL men”

  4. Who on earth would buy a second-hand car from that cunt? He makes Arthur Daley look honest.

  5. I believe racehorse toothed Ryland advertises for Cinch or Clinch as most normal chaps would do around the odd sausage jockey

  6. It comes as no surprise to me.

    I seem to recall some toffee nosed cunt in London saying they were banning cars in a few years,unless it was much worse for “the planet” by being electric and consuming vast amounts of minerals etc to make the stupid fucking thing in the first place,only for some appalling wanker to buy it for his skiing trips.

    Anyway they will go bankrupt as everyone is desperate to turn to the ever superb train and bus services,which people who have chauffers tell us is much better for us anyway.

    Or a bicycle,as amply demonstrated by that advert for dog shit smeared on a garden grass roller Jeremy”please stopping hitting me” Vine.

    Arse piss.

    • Superlative poetry Terence, you’re wasted as a stoker (though much appreciated).

  7. We bought a car from Cazoo
    Drove it down Toussaint.
    But my wife and I felt sick along the way, so we had to stop.
    Got out the car and asked our travelling companions if it would be alright if we were to be sick.
    “Be sick in my wife’s mouth,” said Dave, one of our travelling companions.
    “Be sick in my auntie’s mouth,” said Dave’s wife.
    So my wife, she was sick in Dave’s wife’s auntie’s mouth. I was sick in Dave’s wife’s mouth. She gobbled down my vomit like it was nutritious to her existence.
    We got back in the car feeling a whole lot better.
    A few weeks later we was driving down to Cleethorpes on a Sunday afternoon.
    We had a cow in the back, brought along in lieu of snacks.
    We stopped for a sick, got out the car, and told the cow to open its mouth.
    My wife was sick in that cow’s mouth.
    I was sick in its mouth.
    We were all sick in its mouth.
    The cow got fatter, fatter, fatter, FATTER, till…
    WOW! It exploded all over the road!
    Cops came along, said: “What’s this cow doing splattered all over the road?”
    My wife she gave the policeman sixpence to buy himself a gob-stopper.
    She was very careful about bribing the law.
    I was more direct: I gave him a gob-stopper.
    Cazoo! Cazoo! Cazoo!
    Cazoo! Cazoo! Cazoo!
    Etcetera, ad nauseam….

  9. They’ll crawl back under another guise, remember those wonga shysters ?
    I would recommend fellow cunters read ‘Blood meridian’ for a benchmark of behaviour and retribution.

  10. Now Carzey has gone tits up, here’s hoping something rams his edentate features so far down he gets a free castration. Aubergine-dyed-hair toss pot.

  11. I have to admit I did order from them. Cunts turned up at my house with some grey & white van. When I pointed out to the driver that I had ordered a car, so not what was parked next to my drive, he quickly pulled one out of the back! This car had apparently had a 100 point health check, before Cazoo sold it on. First issue I had was that all the wheel nuts must have been tightened using a scaffold pole, because that’s what I needed to undo them.

    • My father bought a Zafira from them. Within a week the clutch stopped working, and after it was ‘fixed’ it stopped working AGAIN. Second time round other issues were noticed and it took a good six months for him to have the car fixed and returned.

  12. Is that the one that Philip Scrotum Schofield or that other bandit with the huge false railings advertises?

  14. Hopefully we buy any fucking cars will be next, adverts for the lying bastards drive me to despair, and then there is the motorway way…..

  15. I was never attracted to this idea of renting a car or leasing or PCP or subscription. Whatever name you call it the significant thing is that you do not own the car. I own my car and therefore have complete control of how, where and when it is used. No-one can tell me how many miles I am allowed, where and when it is serviced and repaired, what tyres I shall run on or forbid me from altering the car in any way I choose. When I was working the company leased our cars for the last few years. One vehicle I had was an Astra where the ESP came in so hard and early I could barely get the car round the bends. I put a post-it note on the dash to remind me to switch it off. The leasing company picked this up and complained to my boss! I had no choice in tyres and after one replacement of a pair the car had much grippier tyres on the front than the back.That was hilarious, the car handled like a cross channel ferry. I switched the tyres round for safety’s sake and again the leasing company wanted to know why. Their last stunt was to fit these compromised all-year-round, summer/winter tyres so grip and handling were then mediocre in any conditions. The cars had a hard life being used in all weathers in all conditions and the final insult was when the cars went back with 100,000 miles on the clock and the leasing company submitted a bill for returning the car to showroom condition. They’re still waiting for my contribution.

  17. I have a mate who has a rural garage selling 2nd hand cars. He had a nice Ford Fiesta for sale at £1,800. A bloke rang up and ordered it through Cinch. There was a £200 admin fee, which he added to his Cinch finance plan. My mate asked for the delivery address and discovered it was about 10 miles down the road. If the punter had come around privately and used my mate’s finance company (cheaper than Cinch) he would have knocked €200 off. Nowt so stupid as folk.
    I regularly drive past the Cazoo site pictured in the link. All the Cazoo trucks have personal plates on them.

  19. Spending loads of money on shit advertising doesn’t work
    Cinch is a fucking car auction site which has ruined the motor trade for traditional dealers along with sister company we buy any cunt using cunts to advertise ex rental stuff that’s too dear
    All this hype with electric cars fools no cunt
    They are absolute shit nosediving in value as no cunt wants them
    If it’s cheap it’s cheap for a reason
    Stop falling for gimmicks and darkies with big detached houses and ideal lifestyles
    All this perfect lifestyle fools nobody with a brain
    Fuck the msn fuck the bbc

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