Bizarre Sex (2)

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As ever, I’m fascinated by the weird and wonderful world of human sexual proclivity.
Not long ago, I cunted a couple from Oz, who’d been charged with bestiality after indulging in an act with a live trout. Well when it comes to the bizarre, it seems that the olde country won’t be outdone.

Step forward one David Lee, who recently appeared before South Tyneside Magistrates’ Court, to be charged with capturing a seagull and shoving his dick into its beak, causing ‘significant suffering’ to the bird.

For fuck’s sake; can you imagine the sheer humiliation resulting in being brought up before the beak on such a charge?.

‘And in the next case, the defendant is charged with performing an act of gross indecency with a seagull. What plea is entered?’.

‘Justin Thursby-Churlish for the defence m’lud. My client pleads not guilty, on the basis of insanity’.

*Spectators in the public gallery fall about*

‘Or-der! Or-der in the court, or I’ll have the gallery cleared!’ *bang bang* ‘Or-der!’.

I mean, you’d have to be insane (or maybe utterly desperate) to put your knob anywhere near one of those vicious flying rats. Those fuckers will eat anything; chances are they’d see it as a tasty snack and have it off before you knew it.

If you ask me, this is just one more example demonstrating that cuntitude does indeed have no boundaries. What a fucking tosser.

Daily Star

Nominated by Ron Knee.

62 thoughts on “Bizarre Sex (2)”

  2. Think his name was cliff?

    Top tip

    If sat on a bench at the seafront like you pensioner types do
    Hollow out a styrofoam chip tray,
    Pop your winky through and a seagull will come along and deep throat you.

    No need for rape

  3. I’ve heard it all now. Those buggers have razor sharp bills to deal with the bones of fish. If he had managed the dirty deed, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn his todger was left like a rasher of streaky bacon.

    Unless there is medical evidence of damage to his filthy appendage, I suspect this one may be difficult to prove it actually took place.

    • Unless the mad cunt filmed it on his phone for “future ornithological research”.

    • Interesting point Paul.

      You have to assume that there were witnesses, and I presume that the cops were involved also, otherwise I can’t see how the case made it to the court in the first place.

      The cunt pleaded not guilty; can you imagine having to go to court as a witness?

  5. Seagulls are called “Shitehawks” for a good reason-imagine the filth, disease and contaminants.
    Poor seagull!!!

    In all seriousness, probably a safer shag than Amber Heard.
    Or any peaceful🤢

  6. When a seagull has sex, it dies.
    Well, the one Jamal had sex with did.

  7. My list of people I think would have sex with animals if left unsupervised

    1.Matt Hancock
    2. Paddy McGuiness
    3. Doreen Lawrence
    4. Nicholas cage
    5, David Lammy

    Theres probably loads who would/have.
    But them five need watching by the RSPCA

    • Surely having sex with Doreen Lawrence or David Lammy is, in itself, an act of beastiality?
      Morning MNC

    • Personally I’d rather have sex with a vegetable.
      Starting with Sacha Johnson.

  8. This is what happens when you are not allowed to shame people or question them, they have no standards and think they can get away with degeneracy like this. The West is about to hit rock bottom. Bet Putin sees shit like this and the speeches write themselves.

  9. Nobody – certainly not the managing director, chief operations officer, filmographer, producer and blackmailer of Boggs Pornographic Film Productions (Taiwan) limited isshocked by any sexual peccadillo.

    I well remember when our company had a controlling interest in the Steaming Pussycat Strip Club, which, as you know, is in Soho, we run a monthly club magazine “Strip N’ Whip”, mainly produced to further the career of our chief and dirtiest stripper, Angela “Whiplash” Rayner, and you should have seen some of the small classifieds we printed. As so much water has now run under the bridge perhaps it isn’t too indiscreet to mention some of the advertisers. A certain Mr. Mandleson of Mincing Lane had a seemingly endless collection of Tony Blair’s soiled underpants, which he sold to “collectors” for fifty pounds a time (postage free). I am told now in his dotage and living in sheltered housing at the “MinceAWee” Care Home he still sells the occasional pair to a gentleman in North London and one in Ilford North, though we are not at liberty to name names. It helps eke out his old age pension and buys him extra bottles of poppers. It is best not to dwell on what the purchasers do with them. Another man from Oxford run a bizarre private club called “The Pig Fuckers” which was so secret he had a box number to protect it. A Miss Phillips used to run a home mail order business selling used strap-ons (recycling was all the rage back then). A Miss Thornberry, also of North London offered to come to your home and sit on your face for half an hour for 100 pounds, and who will ever forget the dear old unfrocked vicar in Cardiff, forever offering “odd jobs” to young unemployed boys. Very often they didn’t even have to come to him, he would go out in his underpants on winter days looking for them.

    There are nowt so q ueer as folk, gentlemen, believe me.

  10. My living by the sea and hearing the regular squawking of seagulls means this sexual behaviour is rampant and not the trawler throwing fish into the sea, I’m lead to believe ? Well I’ll be be blowed !

  11. A bit off topic maybe:

    https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-64813653

    are people really that fucking stupid that they would eat a full course of daffs before realising they weren’t onions? Perhaps the fella nominated was half way through getting a blow job form the seagull before he realised it was not a mammal?

    • In some parts of the realm, daffs are a substitute for leeks.
      Thank you to the fellow counter who posted a link to that Cordon Gris Vietnamese recipe for cow’s vagina. For seem reason it put me in mind of that old bag Esther Rancid and her teeth (vagina dentata, Al dente, perhaps. Be afraid… Very afraid}.
      With apologies to Victor Lewis-Smith, RIP, “Walls have ears, or at least that’s what goes in their sausages.”
      Having lived in Cardiff, I would cross the road to avoid those vicious bastards. And the gulls.

      • yes – RIP VLS. His offensive calls were legendary. Telling Mary whitehouse that Dennis Potter was a foul-mouthed cunt was classic.

  12. Looking into the annals of the seagulls mating behaviour, I found this, verbatim:

    Both sexes make a repeated huoh-huoh-huoh in courtship, territorial disputes
    and nest selection to indicate some version of “I’m not moving”. It’s been called their “choking call” because the birds deliver the call whilst leaning forward, head down and heaving upwards as they call.

    • There was a pair of mating seagulls banging away on my roof a few years back, so I shot the female with my suped up air rifle. Didn’t deter the male one bit and it carried on fucking the dead body, while screeching like a Banshee. Dirty fucker!

  13. This cunting brings to mind a Nationwide report by Michael Barrett a few decades ago.
    Six old men were smelling badly
    They’d taken all precautions too
    They’d had a bath on Saturday night
    The previous year they’d had a shower
    They went to the annual dinner dance
    Smelling badly
    Went in, found six women smelling badly.
    One man said: “would you like to get stuck to a piece of barbed wire?”
    Lady on his left said: “No, but take me out to your ranch.”
    He said: “okay, but things might get a bit strange.”
    She said: “Ooh, I’m one for adventure.”
    The other five ladies all went home to clean their gas cookers.
    “Are you sure you wanna come to ma ranch with me?”
    “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice!”
    The man he stank of rotting flesh.
    When they arrived at his ranch
    Lady got out and was attacked by a pig
    “Argh! Get that animal off me, please kind sir.”
    Man said: “it’s none of my business what my pigs get up to in their spare time.”
    The pig took her by the throat and stuck it’s snout in her mouth.
    She was getting rather excited by this
    She played along with the pig
    Then a billie goat came up,
    And a ram came up too.
    By the time of 6 o’clock she was covered with various animals
    They was all trying to get in, have a good time with her
    The man standing by smelling felt a bit left out
    Asked his pig if he could have a go
    The pig said: “NO – wait your turn.”
    Man waited five minutes then the donkey got off
    The pig went away feeling dejected, and the cats all cried out.
    The lady, who by now was the man’s girlfriend, got up and said:
    “My Gawd, ‘ave ah been sent ‘ere to do this?”
    Man said: “Well, it’s only natural.”
    Into the ranch house they went, man burned her with a match
    Then he set fire to his paraffin lamp,
    Set fire to the settee,
    Pulled up the carpets,
    Threw them out the window
    Pigs excreted on the carpets
    Then in came the housewife, she wanted to know what’s going on
    The man spat on her dress and knocked her unconscious,
    Took his girlfriend upstairs to his boudoir
    Took off her clothes,
    Took all her bones out,
    Set her on fire,
    Glanced at his vintage timepiece,
    And went on a picnic with his wife.
    Good morning.

  14. I don’t know why or how some people make such hard work out of having a shag. It’s really not that necessary to go into all these wild and weird tangents to me. I like giving a bird a good solid Alpha Male nailing from behind, a bit of hair pulling, a bit of throat squeezing, shoot your muck over her knockers or bum cheeks if you’re feeling particularly dominant and want to make your territory. Sorry if that’s a bit much but I’m easily pleased.

  15. I’d prefer a seagull shagger to some dirty poof demanding that everybody look at him and recognise his moral superiority.
    You won’t see many seagull shaggers mincing down the street wriggling their arses. waving flags and making a fucking racket. I’m all for them myself.

  16. The oddest this about this report is that the reporter actually goes to the trouble of pointing out that the accused attended court ‘dressed in a blue raincoat and jeans’.
    Do they think that the reader actually gives a flying fuck what the twat was wearing?

    At the same time then, why didn’t they also let us know that his scratter’s uniform was completed by the the addition of trainers and a baseball cap?

    Pedantic, moi?

    Morning all.

  17. Does he knock one out watching Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ with the same fervour a regular chap would whilst watching regular, sexy porn?
    Such as Ellie Simmonds being DP’d by both Krankies? Jeanette with a strap-on, obviously.

    • Speaking of Krankie, my mate Big Al once admitted that he fantasises about Nicola Sturgeon while getting a bj from his missus.
      He says he knows it’s odd, but he can’t help it.

      There really is no hope for some people.

    • He probably did Thomas. There wasn’t any references to authenticity in the film and thought he’d produce the white stuff to make it more realistic.

  18. I’ll have you know, I have had some very friendly seagull friends. Very very friendly, wink wink. You are being discriminatory, and it must stop.

    • These things just fascinate me LL. The wife says I’m odd, but it doesn’t stop her looking all the same.

  20. I stuck my willy in a former conquest many years ago and thought the growler was gonna bite it off.

    Having had about 10 pints I did realise the next morning I had jumped in the sack with a beast from the east – she seemed nice enough and very keen when we in the bar the night before.

    She wanted thirds in the morning but I needed to exit quickly to have a long hot shower and wash certain body parts with bleach.

      • Indeed there is RK, but it was good practice for when I found something much more pleasing to the eye.

      • How many of us, in all honesty, haven’t at some time fantasized about being fellated by a seagull? I suggest that those making critical remarks should take part in a diversity training course designed to reduce prejudice and discrimination. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

  21. We used to have a ‘wall of weird’ at work back in the day. Used to stick up clips and notes from the printed press to amuse and enlighten the office drones.

    Our local rag ran ‘in the courts’ stories every Thursday and the reportage would be scoured over during tea breaks to locate and frame deviants, weirdness and the like.

    The best I recall was two brothers, Elvis and Presley Smith (I kid you not) who were up before the beak for having sex with a goat.

    It’s been going on for years.

    • Sex with a goat? An everyday occurrence in certain parts of the world I’d say, where the goats are more attractive than the women.

  22. Reminds me of the infamous Zoophile, Kenneth Pinyan AKA “Mr Hands” who not surprisingly died with massive internal ruptures after allowing himself to be rodded by a horse back in 2005.

    To quote: “Everyone in Enumclaw is very close to horses. It’s a quiet, rural suburb with a view of the mountains. Everyone is a horse person, and as you know, the town included all types of horse worship. It was a place where you could fuck horses, and no one could tell. The line was difficult to differentiate between passion and zoophilia unless you were caught. If Pinyan didn’t die, those guys he hung out with would still be fucking horses today and no one would have suspected anything”.

    Holy mother of Christ!

  23. I got the sack from Tesco for sticking my cock in the bacon slicer….
    ….She got the sack as well
    I’m here all week…

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