Audi (2)

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Has anyone else seen that Christmas Audi advert where a very metrosexual Santa Claus is escorted to a very smart concept self driving car and told this is the future .

The final shot is of him sleeping as he speeds through the countryside on empty roads.

All harmless enough you might say but put that in the context of the cost of living crisis and the fact that globalist cunts are trying to force everyone off the road, this to me just smelt of shit a little.

The young dumb fucks in my office think it’s really cool and see my as a grumpy conspiracy theorist when I told them that the car , if they ever make it, will probably cost about 1m quid and eventually will be the mandated option and they’ll never fucking afford one. You may get a seat on a self driving train or bus if you are lucky peasant but the ticket will be about 200 pounds day.

At which point only politicians , who will buy them with our money or shitstain megalomaniac billionaires will be able to afford them.

They’ll have traffic free roads and another important part of human freedom will have been destroyed .

Funny thing is they’ll say isn’t it great how clean the air is now, what a fucking success.

Who’d ever have thought the Germans could be such massive cunts. It’s not like they have any form for this is it?

Nominated by: Cunt of the Litter

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116 thoughts on “Audi (2)”

  1. Remember those sky blue 3 wheel disabled cars with handlebars instead of a steering wheel?

    Well Audi is the modern version.

    Driven by absolute spastics that can’t indicate.

    I always get ready to break or manoeuvre out of the way when I see one on the road.

    If you drive a Audi your telling the world your Joey Deacon.

    • Invacar. I once said to a woman I knew that motability should be scrapped and if they need a car, they should have one of those. Don’t think she saw it the way I did.

      • sorry TTCE – just saw that you had already correctly identified the spaz chariot. There was a barn full of the things a few years ago, near Stansted airport.

    • I drive an Audi, it’s not mine, I couldn’t afford it. I’ve seen plenty of wankers who drive them very badly. I took a self survey of arseholes, Audi were second for cars after bmw, and way behind white vans.
      But what they clearly want is for Joe Public to aspire to the magic electric car, even though they can’t afford it and there aren’t enough minerals in the world to make even a small percentage of the cars required

  2. German cars are shite, they are unreliable. And they are German, which would stop me buying one.

    • Having been the misfortunate owner of an E350 estate, I agree. I even wrote to Ferdinand Pietsch and told him want a bag of nails it was. MOT tomorrow and certain failure as the fucking SRS light won’t clear. Cunting faulty seat mat.

    • I had a girlfriend back in the 80’s who was constantly banging on about how good BMW’s were. We came back from Belgium one hot day and, driving up the M1, we saw about 20 cars stopped on the hard shoulder, having overheated. All but one was a fucking BMW. I practically pissed myself.

      • I saw a similar thing once driving from Salisbury to Ringwood on the A338, a notorious stretch of mainly single lane twisty road (the type where you get stuck behind a cunt in a tractor for five miles), where some cunt in a BMW was overtaking everyone, including on blind bends. Approaching Ringwood we encountered a mile long traffic jam. The cause? This BMW cunt stuck halfway off the road with the bonnet up and steam pouring out of the engine. It was worth getting caught in that jam, just to see that.

    • Can’t agree, there, Bertram. Our ambos are Mercedes, some with over 300,0000 on the clock, abused and driven like they’re stolen day in, day out, everything still works and twice, three times the life of the shit-box Fiats that keep breaking down and have to be replaced every three years. I drive (an old) Mercedes because of this.

      ‘Wunderbar! Achtung! Get out of my fucking way, you Audi-driving cunt. Gott in Himmel, can’t you see the blue lights’?

      • Certainly familiar with the scenario in your final sentence DCI. When I was working I lost count of the times I watched a car on a motorway sitting in the far right hand lane, the driver blissfully unaware that there was a traffic car on his tail, blues and twos, main beams flashing. Perhaps they think the mirrors are a fashion accessory like the indicators on Audis and Beemers.

      • Love going past the cunts when the crewmate’s driving and tapping the mirrors when they display fuckwittery like that

        Fucking ignoramuses.

      • Same here, would not touch a BMW or Audi, but have had 4 Mercs C Class over the last dozen years or so, all good, not one mechanical issue or problem, they just keep on going, The Fuhrer always swore by them, that’s good enough for me, Unlike Mussolini late again with broken down Alfa.

    • I have a 15 year old BMW and it is fantastic.

      Been all over the country in the thing.

      Has passed it’s last 4 MOT’s without as much as a single fault.

      I’ll probably cry genuine tears the day we have to part company.

    • You can’t say that BC, I make a not bad living out of MB, s unreliability….. Sssssshhhhhhhh and that’s before we start seeing electric cars….. I’m going to be a millionaire this time next year…. Not going to happen I’m sure, but from what I seen so far at least I’m entertained….

    • Well being a cunt sadly I do have some skin in this game.

      I’ve only driven German cars for probably the last 20 years and at the moment have a new 5 Series Beemer estate and without question is the best car I’ve ever had.

      It has so many gadgets that even after 8 months I’m still finding them accidentally which is a bit like having a new girlfriend and touching some part of her and finding a very satisfying outcome that you really didn’t expect.

      That said there are a couple of problems.

      1) The Indicators don’t work

      2) like the film Christine the car has a mind of its own and refuses to drive less than 10ft behind the car in-front

      3) when it parks itself it always takes 2 spaces.

      So don’t be to hard on Audi because having a Beemer is far worse 😜

  5. Germans.
    Arrogant lager-swilling, sausage-munching, lederhosen-wearing, emissions data-fiddling cunts.
    Fuck off.

  6. Invacar, all the rage in the 70s. I made up an anacronym in the excellent profanisaurus section in Viz comic. ACIAFA pronounced aseearfa, or a cunt in a fucking audi. Sir roger mellie loved it.

  7. I remember watching Tomorrow’s World when I was a kid.
    They were going on about a future where people would no longer need to eat food as all the proteins etc would be available in pill form.

    What they didn’t take into account is the fact that eating and sharing food around a table is a very human thing to do, and people enjoy the ritual.

    It’s basic.

    Driverless cars will not catch on because people actually enjoy the driving experience.
    They want to be in control.

    That’s also basic.

    • Ah, Tommorrow’s World AC. Do you remember; “These little white beads are going to change all our lives.”? Oh the nostalgia.

      • Didn’t a young Carol Vorderman make her TV debut on Tomorrow’s World?

        “One day, my tits and arse could be made of plastic”

    • ‘..They want to be in control..’

      The thing is, driverless cars transfer who ‘They’ are, from you the driver to ‘They’ the computers and those who control them.

      Mandatory tracking, remote surveillance of onboard cameras, remote killswitching, geofencing, variable rate road tarrifs…all coming eventually to the drivers of your typical new electronics ridden vehicles. All the basic mechanisms to implement this are already in place, all it takes is a series of remote firmware updates to make them ‘live’.

      Meanwhile, you have stories like this popping up

      https://archive.is/rPZgH

      Though this might be part of the ongoing anti-Musk fuckwittery that seems to be the rage…not that I like him, but in his favour he’s pissing off a lot of the pronoun puppets, so he must be doing something right (but obviously for his own gain for whatever inscrutable but eventually bad for the rest of us reasons only known to himself and the rest of SPECTRE…)

      Enjoy your cars and bikes (I hear they’re gunning for motorbikes now as well) while you still can.

  8. ‘speeds through the countryside on empty roads’. Funny how they always do that in the ads; usually with a tasty bird getting in and out when stopped, just to hold the interest.
    I hate car ads the most when you’re forced to sit through them at the flicks. Hell yeah, a new Tesla’s what I want! I’ll rush straight out and buy one soon as the film’s over.
    Cunts.

    • Long time no speak, Ron…hope you’re well?!
      The Queen’s funeral was like that…utterly empty roads for an hour or so.
      I went out on my fastest motorbike and rode like a dangerous twat…it was magnificent!

      • spot on Thomas. I gave the Sprint a damn good thrash at the same time. It was excellent. I imagine it must have been how Lawrence of Arabia felt on his Brough.

      • @Thomas
        We got my mate’s fully restored Suzuki 250X7 fired up properly for the first time yesterday and I was privileged enough to take it for the maiden voyage.
        Went like a rocket with loads of noise and 2 stroke fumes…

        “How dare you”

      • Original exhausts. Cost him a small fortune to get a presentable set but he wanted the bike standard.
        Boring old sod 😁

    • They do have indicators, but as £5 is added to your leccy bill everytime they’re used, most cunts don’t bother.

      • I believe Audi indicators are available for a £2000 a year subscription. Just like the heated seats in new BMW’s, which you also have to pay a “subscription” for. Cunts.

  11. I for one hope the drunken old cunt drives it into whichever luxury apartment block they’ve put the Grenfell Tower shower in.

    Towing a tanker of Yuletide napalm.

  12. I’m fucked if I would have a robot driving me in those conditions…….or any fucking conditions for that matter. If robot cars ever happen they won’t be for the likes of us so need to waste time thinking about it. I’m getting an e scooter with extra lights on the front and a spare wheel at the back. Very Clacton 1964. I might even get a Parka.

  13. I’d no sooner let a fuckin robot drive than I would a chinaman.

    Some cunts will trust robots with anything.
    Think they’re great.
    Not me.
    I hate the cunts.

    Won’t be so robot friendly when you catch the missus in bed with R2D2!

    Or some fuckin Terminator takes your job.

    If you have robots,
    You’ll need Blade Runners.

    Sort out the naughty ones.

  14. By the time that Audi arrives at its destination it will have run down 18 people, driven on the wrong side of the road, failed to stop at numerous red lights, accumulated several thousand pounds in speeding fines and generally brought mayhem and destruction to the roads.

    Cars are exciting but dangerous machines. They are meant for men ( forget women they are hopeless drivers ). They are certainly not meant to be driven by judgmentally impaired computers who can’t tell the difference between a traffic cone and a child.

  15. I will queue up for yonks to avoid the robot checkout in the supermarket. I don’t care how long it takes…….I don’t work for Sainsbury’s and they don’t fucking pay me so why am I doing their fucking job for them?
    But in the evenings there is no cunt on the checkout so you have no choice. Have you ever used one of those things and not called some cunt over because I never have. Something always fucks up.
    I notice that if you want fags you have to queue up and buy them from some sour faced old Doris behind the counter who takes forever to find the brand you have requested and makes it clear she disapproves of your filthy habit. How hard would it be to talk to a robot who gives you what you fucking want? Those Krauts and Japs should be concentrating on that, not driverless cars for the elite robbing bastards.

    • Once they get the robots in Freddie, they will give you a pre-programmed lecture on lung cancer, or too much red meat and going over your approved number of alcohol units for the week. Probably some shite on climate change and BLM too.

      • Yeah, but at least I would be able to tell the machine to fuck right off without being arrested for hate crime.
        Yeah I am all for fag robots in the supermarket………not the Eddie Izzard kind you understand.

  16. Self driving cars? Oh, do fuck off. You’ll see pigs in the circuit at Heathrow before you see normal people travelling in such vehicles. There is a cohort who push the idea of airliners without pilots being flown by air traffic control. This could actually have been implemented many years ago. The airlines have always kept well clear for one simple reason; they know that they could not sell the fucking tickets.

  17. I’m going to ignore the “metrosexual” Santa Clause nonsense because its Christmas and the spirit is upon me. Instead I’ll focus on the practicality of the Audi.

    I would never buy a German car as the Zyklon B gas needed to run them is not readily available here in the states.

  18. to my great shame I drive everyday a Mercedes Unimog, called “Hitler’s Revenge ” it is wonderfully free of electronics and once engines running it will do so until it runs out of fuel even if you disconnect battery, its push down a knob to stop it, even take key out and it carries on running.
    I’ve always been a driver of British built motors from the humble Mini to the awesome Scammell Explorer, not one fucking robot or computer. If I’m going to die behind a steering wheel I would rather it be down to my stupidity than a glitch on some software that I couldn’t override.

    • I remember Civvydog when commercial vehicles normally worked this way. Diesel engine, no ignition and presumably mechanical injection. In my cousin’s van you pulled a knob and held it until the engine cut from no fuel supply. We had some diesel Astras on the fleet at work several of which had this hilarious trick of randomly going to full revs and I mean way beyond the red line. Take the key out, walk away, carried on regardless. Had to put the car in gear, brakes hard on and stall it. Soon identified that when this happened the car was running by burning its own engine oil! A great laugh but potentially dangerous and financially catastrophic.

      • That was a common fault on certain Vauxhall ECUs.

        You only had to take the neutral connection off the battery for half an hour and the problem would resolve itself through the reset.

      • Thanks Odin, didn’t know that about the Vauxhall ECUs.

        Your point about disconnecting the battery for half an hour is well made. Half the faults seen on computers can be fixed by removing all the power for a while and to be sure take out the CMOS battery as well. On modern cars same applies plus often it will also clear intermittent problems. It also forces recalibration of the fuel injection and ignition systems. This often results in better performance and fuel consumption after the car has been driven a few miles to “relearn”. Thing you have to do though is convince folks to get the spanners out and disconnect a battery lead; won’t work by just pulling fuses. Take a lead off and go for lunch!

    • Bloke near me has a Unimog, has got a woodchipper on the back. Its quite an apt vehicle for ISAC.

  19. American cars are engineered to last 10 years. After that you are replacing shit every month.
    We have a 2003 Honda mini van. Every year we end up with a reason to wait another year to replace it. Now it’s become a joke. Let’s see how long the fucker lasts! 20 years so far.

  20. “All Us Dickheads Inside” (allegedly)

    And our “betters” have been yearning to take the steering wheel out of our hands ever since the motor vehicle was first invented…

  21. Basically that ad admits Audi,s are for cunts who cant be arsed to drive properly and with the amount of problems they have with their normal models to buy electric cars you would need to be sniffing glue, Tesla are proof of how reliable self driving cars are, sooner or later [ usually sooner] it all ends in tears….

  22. Audi/Bmw/Mercedes/Vw all sub out components to the land of the chinky-boo, hence now lots of breakdowns, I was the unfortunate owner of a Bmw r1200gs bike the fucking pile of shite spent more time on the back of a breakdown truck than I rode it. Always the same type of failure, small parts “electrical ” made in China that failed…

    Got shut of it and bought a

    HONDA…!

    • An excellent choice JM. I worked for a (thankfully) short while at a BMW bike main dealership and the paint finish was falling off the engine cases and frames before the first MOT.
      They also sold Harleys, which was even funnier as those horrible old crates are nearly all Chinese monkey metal too.
      Meanwhile my 46 year old Honda just plods on and on…

      • 5 fucking fuel gauge sensors failed / rear disc hanger cracked / immobiliser sensor failure/ fuel pump relay failed / oil sight gauge leaked /

        But the biggy was the ABS modulator failed… £££…😖

        Rule of thumb now is : if it’s got wheels and an engine

        ” BUY JAPANESE”

  23. All Audi drivers are cunts. Same league at BMW drivers (back in the day we’d call them Black Man’s Wife as wannabee female wiggers used to drive them – or blek mans meat).

  24. I like Ford.
    Cars Ford, vans Ford.

    There’s a old Ford pickup drives round Stockport,
    40s or 50s,
    Rounded bonnet,
    I’d love to own it .

    Say that about the Americans,
    They made some beautiful looking cars!

    Probably looked down on in the states as old fashioned?
    But it’s my dream vehicle.

    • You and me both Mis. Owned our Mk3 V6 Mondy just turned thirteen years, twenty-one years old in the new year, 127,000 miles, deadly reliable, never failed an MOT and pulls like a train. I expect I’ll die before it does.

    • Take a trip to havana mis.
      Thousands of old 50s american classics
      Mostly used as taxis..

    • My first car in the early 80s was a Cortina mk3. Followed by a mk1 Granada/Consul GT in “Sweeney” bronze.
      And jesus I wish I still had that…

    • Agreed – I’d love to have a classic Ford Mustang, I think they are beautiful cars to look at and sound awesome.

  25. I would like to see Santa in his Audi get through Oxfordshire’s planned dystopian 6 districts.

  26. In the 80’s, when I was still a confident driver, I had a Volvo, built like a Sherman tank.
    Ugly as sin, but made mincemeat of icy roads, unlike the modern Volvo which is, apparently, made of the foil from cigarette packets and repurposed cardboard.
    Wouldn’t have one as a gift.

      • BB, explains a lot.
        How could a personal tank become such a wimp?
        Now made in China.
        How sad, repurposed cardboard and the foil from cigarette packets.
        Waste not, want not taken to extremes.

      • I had a 240 estate as a company car in the eighties, built like a tank and did 19 mpg. It had heated seats which operated automatically when it was cold but I think they were designed for Swedish winters. It felt like your bollocks were being cooked and you couldn’t switch them off. Missus still got pregnant three times though so no serious damage I think.

        Present car has heated seats which you switch on and off as you choose. First time our eldest was in it in the winter I switched them on and a few minutes later she asked;
        “Has this car got heated seats?”
        When I answered in the affirmative she said;
        “Thank god for that. I thought I’d pissed myself.”

    • Early 80’s my father upgraded to a Volvo and gave me his old car, as you said Volvos back then were built like tanks and great in icy condidtions…then the day came when it broke down (ISTR they had problems with the auto transmissions at the time) and I had to come in his old car and give him a tow…Lada 1200es: built like a tank, uglier than a tank, handled(sic) like a tank, as the icier conditions got closer to Moscow winter normals, the happier old Ivan (as my sisters called it) was.

  27. My mum had a Messerschmitt bubble car in the 1950s – fucking brilliant!

    Dad had a Mercedes 450 SL in the early 1980s. Nice.

    Kraut cars are devoid of character nowadays. As are all cars.

    Fuck them.

    • I’d have loved one of those bubble cars.
      Was looking to buy one a few years ago, the prices!
      Could have bought a Roller for less.

      • I’ll have you know Miserable, I was conceived in a field near Shrewsbury.

        Put that in your bubble pipe and blow it!

    • Range Rover Evoques are turning up needing extensive top end work at as low as 30k miles.
      Not just ze germans…

      • Imagine voluntarily owning a modernish Range Rover on an average wage…your wallet is a pulled-open, unlubed ringpiece and main dealer workshops are Michael Barrymore’s fist.

      • All land rover products are rubbish
        Know a few mechanics who dread working on them
        Could easily go tits up within a few years
        Most that drive them aren’t using their own money
        Audis overrated wimmimz cars

      • Where I live I see plenty of ancient series 2 and 3 and older defender Landies still in daily use. Somehow I can’t see the modern ones making old bones like that.
        So much for all this “sustainability” bollocks…

  30. Slightly OT, some cunt ran into the back of eldest parked motor, totalled it, the fucking cunt.
    Now we know where he lives..

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