Magpies

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.Bullies , thieves, noisy fuckers, gangsters,
And all round avian thugs.

I put out mealworm and wild bird seed on my dovecote every morning.

I like watching the sparrows, tits, blackbirds.

But there’s a gang of magpies that attack the other birds.
Like raptors or something.
Right little cunts.

I don’t think it’s because their mixed race (🙂)
But these two tone little bleeders just can’t behave?

Once we had a cat that upset them.
This magpie would wait for the cat then attack him.
Wouldn’t bother the dog or other cat,
It wanted this particular cat.

The cat got neurotic,
Scared to go out.
So we let it out the front instead.
The magpie soon caught on and would wait on the front peering in through the window ,
Like Max Cady in Cape Fear.

Anyway, their cunts.

YouTube Link

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

62 thoughts on “Magpies”

  1. That’s what happens when you have country cream gates. It attracts the wrong sort of wildlife.

    • Magpies Hmmmmmm

      When They were Nominated I thought something that steals and is attracted to Shiny objects (Such as Gold Chains)
      Do they like Hip Hop and have a liking for patois and Cannabis?

      Cunts

  3. One night I went for a walk and a the road had been recently painted.
    A magpie was sitting on the bright white line.
    The way it was oriientated it looked like the white line was part of his back.
    The shiny black tarmac merged with the rest of him.

    • Morning Miles👍
      Did you look at the link?

      Northumbrian folk music.
      Beautiful!
      Like angels singing.

      I think you’d like it.

      • Are they on the jukebox in the pub Dick?
        I think they’re marvelous.😁

      • Very haunting Miserable.

        Northumbria you say?

        I know Mr Fiddler has pigeon pie occasionally. I wonder does he make a magpie pie?

        They are very numerous and they look meaty.

  4. My earliest memory is being attacked by one of them and being forced into a corner of a veranda before my mummy arrived and beat him off. Absolute bastard birds.
    Around our way they have introduced Red Kites, imperious birds, but taking over areas to the detriment of other avian wildlife. Its fascinating to watch the crows gang up and force them away from their territory.

  5. They are aggressive, but intelligent and inquisitive.
    Had 7 in our garden in the same time. Train line runs at the bottom of the garden and there’s lots of corvids I guess due to the carcasses on the line.
    Magpies and squirrels have a right tussle over who is going to eat. Squirrel chases magpie, magpie comes back and pulls squirrels tail.
    The one that has top pecking order is the massive crow that comes in. They magpies and squirrels are shit scared of it.
    Did see a magpie with a small rat in its beak as well.

    • I reckon we could train a flock of magpies and crows, like they did pigeons in WW2 and we could send bomber magpies out of the channel to attack dinghies, peck the fuck out of them, sink the lot

  6. the only good magpie was the kid’s TV show back in the 70s, especially Suzanne Stranks and her braless t-shirts

  7. I don’t really mind them….when I see them raiding the other nests , I rather see their point. I share their disgust at other people’s offspring and would happily tip a few screaming, needy brats out of their prams.
    Magpies certainly know how to limit child benefit payments to the feckless parents of the avian world…we can learn a lot from the kingdom of birds.

    • I accidentally sent a small child skittering across the floor in a super on the weekend. Her balloon head mother at another checkout thought it was fine to leave her play behind me as I was frantically packing my shopping to get the fuck out of there. As I turned to make a hasty exit I hadn’t seen the little cunt, and she went flying. I didn’t even stop to see if the kid was OK.
      Shouldn’t be in shops in the first place, the fuckers.

  8. There’s loads of old folk tales about magpies.

    One being the ‘magpie court’ where they sentence one of their own .

    But it’s bleeding true!
    Saw it myself.
    It’s really a gang of magpie surrounding a lone one,
    Then they all attack it.
    Cruel cunts.

    Dunno what it’s crime was?
    But they are firm believers in capital punishment.

  9. Spring last year a pair of robins built a nest in the undergrowth on our back fence. Laid four eggs and delighted to see four healthy chicks appear, growing fast. Then one morning found all four dead, scattered across the lawn. Magpies. My air rifle is now kept within close reach.

    • My uncle when asked if he “saluted” Magpies, replied yes with a charge of number 6. He hated the fuckers with a vengeance. Thinking back the only member of the Corvid clan he did not want to exterminate were Rooks.
      Keep your air rifle close Sir and good hunting. Just a thought we used to use owl decoys to draw the fuckers out. Once had six of the bastards berating my eagle owl decoy but being cunning little pests they had made their mobbing base a large dense Hawthorn in full leaf. They would not come out of the Hawthorne for more than a second or two. If I had my shotgun most likely got one of them but was using air rifle hoping to get more than one. One and half hours had two quick shots clean miss both times. If nothing else they are smart little buggers.

      • Soak bread in water for some reason they won’t take off with it and sit there scoffing, ideal target. I once got a left and right on magpies 2 best shots of my life, high and windy day.

      • Before noon you have to say; One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy etc depending on the gang size…after noon you have to stop and ask; How was your morning Captain, how’s the wife & children? Or they attack you and eat your head.

  10. We were delighted to get a woodpecker as a regular garden visitor earlier this year. I spent a small fortune on insect laced suet balls for the thing. The only problem was magpies and an extended family of jackdaws latched on pdq and I doubt if 1% of the expensive bird nosh went down the woodpecker’s throat.

  11. Most birds are cunts, pooping everywhere and once in Hong Kong on my head. I have problems with them nesting on my chimney and then falling down into the fireplace where they gleefully wreck the living room, leaving feathers and poop everywhere. Little fuckers.

    But the worst avian offenders are geese. Aggressive hissy cunts.

  12. All black and white animals are cunts.
    Magpies- noise predatory wren killing cunts
    Killer whales- violent shifty looking seal killing cunts
    Pandas – lazy Chinese fat impotent cunts
    Zebras- gay horse cunts
    Badgers – embankment wrecking cunts

  13. My old Webley excel used to take care of these cunts, next stop ferret food. Wankers.

      • or milton keynes were they have pelican crossings whatever the fuck they are, i don’t have time to read highway books too busy driving. i suspect they’re big white crossings & half way across they open up and swallow your car. Serves the fuckers right for living in milton keynes, like the town of the Stepford Wives.

  15. Interestingly we put bread out for the birds and there is definitely a “pecking ” order, the tits and such like the feeders/nuts, the magpies steam in for the bread but have to wait inline until the jackdaws have had their but, they all either hide or duck off when the crows come down.

    These big black fuckers really do rule the roost…!

  16. I’ve seen the little bastards sat on a newly born lambs head trying to peck it’s eyes out.

    Right cunts.

    • Yes I’ve seen that too Terry, in the Welsh hills. I believe it’s the case that birds instinctively go for the eyes when they attack, in the same way that cats of any size always go for the throat. Maybe any ornithologists on here could confirm or otherwise?

  17. They are birds not fucking Pi Keys. Clever, as all crow family are, nest robbers too, but that is nature.
    I hope they shit on gates and peel the paint.

  18. Maggie’s I like em they are highly amusing when you watch for a while, the pack hates them . The piebald fuckers sit on the fence and wind them up or get on the roof and chuck moss at them. I know they are murdering thieving gits but that’s nature red in tooth and beak.

  20. Once saw a green woodpecker chase two of these cunts off on my local golf course. Made my day they are indeed horrible cunts

  21. Birds do appear to behave a lot like us, over the eons they banished the utter dregs to the coast. Over time the misfits, nutters & pure loons evolved into the herring gull, a swivel eyed psycho that will attack anyone and then shit on them afterwards. Magpies .. pfft.

  22. La Gazza Ladra overture is a lovely piece of music from the opera by Rossini. No relation to the other foul mouthed piss artist Gazza, who also wore a black and white striped jersey on the football field.

  23. Told you MNC, we have a fruitloop, head the ball cat that would rip this magpie’s throat out in seconds. Mad cunt chased a dog away the other day.

    I’d send it round round yours but it’d probably start on your Akita and end up in pieces.

    Mrs would never speak to me again…hang on…

    • I could easily shoot them CB .
      But it’s interfering and I’m worried I’ll be magpie cursed.

      That I’ll wake in a ring of angry 6ft magpies cawing ‘guilty! Guilty!’

      Then they jump me.

      I’m a rational man .
      Why I don’t anger the magpie god.

  26. The local magpies tried to intimidate my cat but she wasn’t having any. One day I heard this unbelievable racket from what sounded like a dozen birds, opened the back door and saw her sat there surrounded by feathers. But there was no bird and all the feathers were white. Couldn’t figure that out. It must have got away with minor injuries, she hadn’t had time to eat it. They’ve kept out of her way since.

    • Its seagulls I can’t fucking stand. Flying peddle bins I call them. They laid eggs on my conservatory roof so i smashed them off with a stick, huge spotty eggs they were, Then they went next door on their extension and laid some more. Next thing there’s loads of them attacking my cats & shitting all over me as I try to put my washing out, had to spend May to August swinging a broom at the vicious fuckers.

      • A relative in Cornwall got cheesed off with seagulls on his roof squawking all the time. He got a jar of very hot mustard, made sandwiches with it using a cheap sliced loaf and chucked them on the roof. The gulls swooped down and picked them all up, flying off with sandwiches in their beaks. Then, in mid air, they seemed to have a sudden violent spasm and drop like a stone. I’m told it keeps them away for weeks at a time and they don’t seem to learn.

  27. Can’t moan about them really, very intelligent birds, my grandad used to feed & look after a lot of wild birds including ravens & magpies, i remember a black crow or something like a crow that used to wolf whistle and a magpie that used to knock like hell on the kitchen window if Pop was late putting out their breakfast, he’d open the window and it would waddle in all uppity and get itself a drink from the sink, funny little bird it had a right stroppy attitude to us mere humans.

  28. Magpies, rooks and crows always make me think of the neds who hang around any lighted place.
    Posturing, spitting on the floor, thinking they’re well hard, until their Mum shouts them home.
    “Justin, get in ‘ere, now!”
    “Tyrone, you too, you little cunt”
    Then they all swirl off. Fucking hilarious.

  29. These cunts make the most horrendous sound which makes a screaming baby or a yapping terrier sound like a lullaby. Feathery-faced cunts.

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