So who are these cunts who drive right up my chuff when I have the temerity to stick to the speed limit? After extensive research I’ve decided there are 5 categories.
SALES REP
Living in or aspiring to own a modern ‘Executive’ house, this cunt usually drives a company Duracell car as his employer falls for the ‘save the planet’ bullshit. They are always late for their next appointment, so they think by driving up my arse they’ll make up time. I’m not going to go any faster, so no you won’t, you thick cunt.
BOY RACER
Drives a red Ford Fiesta older than himself. Particularly dangerous when showing off to his girlfriend.
FUCK YOU SHOW OFF
Driver of a large, fast Kraut car or 4×4 status symbol, often with personalised number plate. The car says ‘I’m richer and more important than you so get out of my fucking way’.
No Fuck You Show Offs own the vehicle they’re driving, they’re all on the never never.
F1 WANNABEE
Easily spotted as he holds the top of the steering wheel with the right hand. Is the left hand in contact with the steering wheel? Probably not. A middle aged prick who never misses an episode of Top Gear and thinks Jeremy Clarkson should be PM.
WHITE VAN MAN
Last but not least, the doyen of tailgaters. As well as driving 6 inches from my rear bumper at 50mph, this cunt can multitask by texting, drinking a can of coke and reading his delivery schedule all at once.
Maybe some of my fellow cunters fall into one of these categories. Sorry to sound offensive, but if you do then GET OFF MY ARSE, YOU CUNT.
Nominated by: Geordie Twatt
I stick religiously to speed limits. 30 typically. It might actually be 40, 50 or 60 but what the hell. Safety first!
If it’s 20, well that’s not for me, that’s for cunts who can’t drive like what I can.
No need for anything from Q branch to deter those cunts who won’t obey my laws. I can blind the cunts with my misaligned headlights or by using the brake as a footrest in traffic.
These things are obviously perfectly legal as I’ve been doing them for years and no – I think they’re called police but it’s so long since I saw one – has ever pulled me up about it.
I also find keeping a tyre or two half flat is another marvellous and public spirited aid to road safety. Like having a dashcam and maintaining an educational channel on youtube to show the world just how careful I am and what a cunt everybody else is.
Excuse me everybody. Mustn’t use a phone while driving, I’m not cunt after all. There’s some yellow lines ahead where I can stop and put the hazards on and do it in perfect safety. Obviously legal for reasons above.
All about reducing my cuntprint don’t ya know.
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