Tailgaters (2)

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So who are these cunts who drive right up my chuff when I have the temerity to stick to the speed limit? After extensive research I’ve decided there are 5 categories.

SALES REP
Living in or aspiring to own a modern ‘Executive’ house, this cunt usually drives a company Duracell car as his employer falls for the ‘save the planet’ bullshit. They are always late for their next appointment, so they think by driving up my arse they’ll make up time. I’m not going to go any faster, so no you won’t, you thick cunt.

BOY RACER
Drives a red Ford Fiesta older than himself. Particularly dangerous when showing off to his girlfriend.

FUCK YOU SHOW OFF
Driver of a large, fast Kraut car or 4×4 status symbol, often with personalised number plate. The car says ‘I’m richer and more important than you so get out of my fucking way’.

No Fuck You Show Offs own the vehicle they’re driving, they’re all on the never never.

F1 WANNABEE
Easily spotted as he holds the top of the steering wheel with the right hand. Is the left hand in contact with the steering wheel? Probably not. A middle aged prick who never misses an episode of Top Gear and thinks Jeremy Clarkson should be PM.

WHITE VAN MAN
Last but not least, the doyen of tailgaters. As well as driving 6 inches from my rear bumper at 50mph, this cunt can multitask by texting, drinking a can of coke and reading his delivery schedule all at once.

Maybe some of my fellow cunters fall into one of these categories. Sorry to sound offensive, but if you do then GET OFF MY ARSE, YOU CUNT.

Nominated by: Geordie Twatt

99 thoughts on “Tailgaters (2)”

  1. Top notch cunting, squire. The tailgater that boils my stomach acid is the motherfucker that tries to follow us through traffic when we’re on a blue-light run. Mini-cab drivers are cunts for this. In busy town centres, easily dealt with by stopping, getting out and informing them, loudly, that they’re on CCTV which will be forwarded to the police, now, pull over and wait until we’re out of sight before you continue – always a crowd pleaser, and, on motorways, radioing up Despatch and asking for them to contact the police, who, fair play to ’em, last time were very quick in getting an unmarked police car to us.

    Personally, I’d like to lock their doors and throw a petrol bomb through the sunroof.

    • DCI@ – Afternoon DCI – my Krautmobile has been remapped etc, so if I get a fool who insists on tailgating (if I was doing 8MPH in a 40 area I could understand it, but believe me I don’t) I just stick it in top, foot down and they are obscured by a cloud of black diesel smoke – highly acceptable!

  2. I think Jeremy Clarkson should be Prime Minister but sadly I don’t drive.

    • To drive is to live, Ruff. I love cars and driving. It’s one of the few things that gives me an orgasm these days.

      • Talking of orgasms, MMCM, I just got back from doing a spot of shopping. There were an unfeasible number of stunning bitches showing out in town, some practically naked, figures to die for! I perceived that many were actually on heat, really asking for it – talk about the fucking horn!

        For a moment outside Poundshop I thought I was going to be arrested for hate crime.

      • Oh Yes Ruff,
        I’m out in town now and the pussy is driving me insane. There are birds in tight shorts with the hoof clearly visible.
        I’m looking for an abandoned shop doorway to dive into and fall to my knees wanking
        🤪🥴💪
        Sorry, what was the Nom ?

      • Has your neighbours Japanese Mrs been taking advantage of the hot weather Ruffers?

        I trust they haven’t found the peephole in the fence yet or that you are discreet when using the telescope in the master bedroom from the east wing?

      • Come to think about it, LL, I’ve not seen her for weeks. Not only that but he hasn’t invited me round for a cup of tea for ages either. Maybe they’re on to me…

    • I find Clarkson entertaining but he is, in his own words, “fervently pro European” and, as PM, would have us back in the Reich in a heartbeat.

      His two hangers on however are total cunts. Particularly that little Hammond prick…

      • I too am fervently pro European, after all this country is part of Europe and its inhabitants are Europeans. I am also fervently anti EU.

      • I doubt Clarkson is, but at least he generally keeps his massive gob closed on the subject.
        And he referred to Boris and his cabinet as “a shower of shit” or words to that effect…

      • I woul hope most of Eastern Europe should avoid being over run but one particular exception I imagine would be Ukraine. If the government emerge victorious in the war against Russia and they recieve their planned quota of woke, western European influence cultural enrichment – within 10 years they’ll probably wish they’d sided with the Russians.
        Especially once the head choppers, rapists, child botherers, truck of peace drivers and the likes get settled in.

      • Right again! Boris and his cabinet are “a shower of shit.” Or they were.

        Perception of this magnitude needs to be recognised and rewarded. Clarkson for PM!

      • Evening Arfur.

        I haven’t driven since 1969. Lady C has a driving license but we don’t have a car. If we have to go anywhere beyond walking distance (5 miles?) we use taxis. But I never go anywhere, have little interest in life beyond the manor, walk about 3 miles a day to keep fit, etc. Take the cats to the vet using an adapted pushchair. I’m the greenest cunt on the planet, me!

      • Good for you Ruff! You and I have led such different lives. I’ve been on the road since my teens and completely beyond redemption now. For most of my working life if I drove a hundred miles in a day it was a quiet day. I commonly drove a thousand miles in a week and often six hundred miles in a day. Greta would have apoplexy.

        I’m still on here at this time because a helicopter has been flying a holding pattern for the best part of an hour. Whoever the police are after I hope they catch him soon. Trying to sleep is difficult enough at these temperatures.

  3. I hate the fuckers. I leave a safe space from the car in front and these fucking morons think they can go quicker by tailing me. Usually Audis.

    I think Clarkson is a bit of a cunt. Sadly, I do drive.

  4. I don’t tailgate anyone. Even if I’m stuck behind a slow pokey dodger doing 20 in a 40 zone. Tailgating is dangerous – for me and my car and for the slow pokey dodger in front. Not everyone is a confident driver and you have to respect that. And tailgating when someone is observing the speed limit is bad manners.

    I just wait for a safe moment, slip into third or second and safely overtake with a loud blip of exhaust and a healthy dose of g-force. The slow pokey dodger usually recedes into a small insignificant blip in the mirror.

    • Great nom and a very sensible strategy, MMCM. Better to be safe than sorry..,

      I personally hate it when some cunt is driving right up my exhaust. Trying to press slower drivers (but often driving at the speed limit) into speeding by tailgating is both dangerous and cuntish.

  5. Good nom! If I had time to kill I would get an old pickup and install a 6 inch pipe rear bumper. I would drive the limit and slam on the brakes if a cunt is up my ass. The bumper would do a number on the front of said cunt’s vehicle. I wouldn’t even bother to stop and trade information. I would paint another mark on the side door that shows how many cunts I fixed up good.

  6. You forgot the motorcyclist tailgater. Clearly compensating for some inadequacy, this irritating prick hasn’t got the minerals to overtake but doesn’t mind revving behind you like a tiger with toothache. Fucking bell-ends.

    • It’s usually well off types on BMW Adventure bikes (Ewan McGregor wannabes).
      My old bike is too elderly to tailgate anything bigger than a 1950s milk float…

  7. One of my very favourite things to do while on the M25 of a Sunday morning is luring twatpanzers into the fixed 70mph cameras when they’re 2″ off my rear bumper.

    My sporty little Italian number will out accelerate, outbrake and outmanoeuvre any two and a half ton wanker tank any day of the week.

    I tend to pick my spots for going fast and thd motorway isn’t one of them. Too many cameras.

  8. I just gradually drop my speed further still,drift onto the white line and flick the offside indicator when I see them building up for an overtake.

    • It’s also possible to have tailgating pushbikers if you’re prepared to put in the effort and crawl along in front of the Cunts while riding your clutch and revving fuck out of your engine.

      • I like to add a drop of black oil to the red diesel when I fill up if I think it’s liable to be a pushbiker day.

      • Good jab of the brakes sorts out the cyclist, didn’t see the cat did you cunt, wait you were t close to see anything… What was that ambulance, is that what your trying to say, sorry I’m late for my AA meeting, but be care when your able to ride your bike again…. Got to go

    • I dont tailgate.
      Im an amazing driver.
      Probably world class.

      I can drive with my eyes shut!
      And sometimes do.

      Never had a accident.
      Caused countless,
      But never myself.

      • I once sat in with a chit of a lassie who came to demonstrate the off-road capabilities of some new model pick-up…..naturally I was unsure about getting in with a woman driver but have to admit that she was the best driver I’ve ever sat in with…fucking incredible.

        Fit,Mis?

      • Evening Dick, yeah pretty good !

        The missus is a good driver,
        Obviously I dont tell her that, but she is.

        Shes much more patient than me.

        You winning Dick?
        You worked in this inferno today?

      • Mnc@ – Afternoon Mnc – if you get nervous behind the wheel I find a bottle of Jack Daniels settles the nerves admirably! 😀👍
        Had to drive to Rotherham to day, not one P*ki tried to bum me – am I ugly or summat?

      • Evening Foxy,
        Did you try hanging a giro from your undercrackers?

        Maybe your just not good bait?
        I have to use shark reppelent to keep them at bay!
        But then my arse looks like something Michalangelo sculpted.😁

      • Regarding your experience as passenger with a woman driver Dick, I had similar experience a few years ago as passenger in a police car driven at speed by a young WPC across suburbs of north-east London in the early hours. Very impressive I can tell you.

      • Take heart, Miserable. According to one tinfoiler on here this summer has been “the coldest summer on record.” 😂

      • Last time I take any note of advice on here Ruff.
        Put my jumper on and fainted.

  10. In all the years I drove Defenders on the road, I was never “Tailgated”.
    I wonder why…..😄

  11. The idea of leaving a safe space between you and the car in front is to give you sufficient time to think, react and stop if the car in front stops suddenly.

    But that works both ways, that is why you have a rear view mirror.

    If the cunt behind you is likely to run into the back of you if you stop suddenly then the thing to do is to slow down.

    It’s a safety measure and it irritates the fuck out of the tailgaters.

  12. A man was driving home after a meeting with his boss and gets a call telling him he’s been promoted to office manager.
    A little further down the road and the boss rings again to say he’s promoting him to area manager.
    Even further a third call informs him he’s got the European managers job at which point he crashes into the side of the road.
    When asked by plod what happened he replied.
    “I just careered off the road.”

    Great nom btw.

  13. Geordy twatt

    You have missed out the more commanly spotted spotted Prince of Cwmbran, he is the wanna be on the cheap fucker. Dressed in TK Maxes finest collection.
    He drives a diesel Merc c class but has made look like a c63 amg, more worries about how his wheels look that the warning lights on the dash which he can’t afford to fix because he spunked all his money up the wall on the affor mentioned big black wheels, painting the brakes and the amg badges.
    Has had the car chipped by Fresh Pesh from Bangladesh so it’s poxy chocolate engine can kick out and extra 3 horses and lose 30 mpg(always a good plan) and then the silly fat, ginger clown in his 40s cruises the streets of BLan bra eyeing up the classy Cwmbran talent.
    All while driving lying down in the Stephen Hawking position peering out from under his arm like a fucking Oranatan whilst doing the full Audi 2 inches from your rear bumper and when you do move over for the goldie lookin chain mother fucker, the car hasn’t got the grunt to pass…. What a cunt this fuck wit is…

  14. As well as tailgaters, I find those cunts that don’t bother checking their mirrors before they manoeuver, because everyone knows that the second you hit the indicator, you can change lanes, no worries, as the magic blinking light has turned their crappy jap rollerskate into a Chieften tank!
    One of these days, Sunshine.

  15. Be very careful if you’re driving in Worcestershire and there’s a weaponised vehicle behind you emblazoned with the signage.
    HARD AS FUCK
    &
    DON’T BACK DOWN

  16. Fuck me,it’s disappeared, well I’m not writing that again,get to fuck.

    • Hey Morello,

      The same thing happened to me yesterday. Three times I wrote a response and each time it simply vanished. But other responses went through.

      It also happened last week with a Cunting nomination I tried to post.

      I don’t know what the issue is and I won’t presum to speak for you, but I suspect I have either (a) angered the Gods of Cunting or (b) the Davos/New World Order crowd is monitoring and censoring my communications.

      Then again, in my case I suppose it’s possible that it could be a simple case of user error.

      • Davos encourages us, dissidents will be monitored.
        A pleasant evening to you General.

      • Certain words make posts disappear completely. If memory serves, excéedîngly is one of them.

  17. Tailgaters are indeed cunts. As a rule I totally ignore them, neither speed up nor slow down.

    I had a woman cut me up in London once, badly enough that I had to take evasive action to avoid a crash. I sounded my horn. Next thing she slams on the brakes and her bruiser of a boyfriend got out the passenger side with a hammer. He’s about 30ft from me and I’m in traffic with nowhere to go. I glanced around my car and saw a hockey stick lying on the back seat (my daughter used to play) which I grabbed, got out and yelled ‘if you think you’ve got long enough arms before I crack your fucking head, bring it on!’ Amazingly he stopped in his tracks, shouted some abuse and got back in his car. Phew! They drove off and a few minutes later got pulled over by the police. Someone had reported him for coming at me with a hammer.
    Turned out the cunt had a string of convictions for assaults, including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. I didn’t have to go to court, he pleaded guilty.

    • Always the way, no tax, insurance, mot, is that booze I can smell, what’s this baggie of what powder we retrieved from your arse and recalled to prison with several outstanding warrants, boot load full of knives, my little ponies full of weed, not to mention the swag from a day’s worth of shop lifting.
      The stupidity of these cunts is monumental, you would think they would they would be trying to keep a low profile, not pulling weapons in the most camera city in the fkn world

      • I can vouch for that Fugly. I’ve done some work in various police areas over the years.

        I saw a guy brought into custody who had been directed around the block because the street was blocked by a collision. He had refused to divert and was so gobby and recalcitrant the coppers had run him in. When they ran his ID on the system there was a warrant out for his arrest.

        A woman came to the front desk in one nick to ask for directions. Within a minute or two she became so abusive they took her down to custody and put her in a cell.

  18. I’m sensing a lot of anti audi sentiment here.
    I used to keep a log of wanky drivers on my daily commute. BMW’S were way out in front.
    And the worse tailgaters must be the lorry drivers on a stretch of motorway with an average speed check. Put the cruise control on to the max speed and they’ll be right up your arse.

    • Until the cunts start to overtake at 0.000001 MPH faster than the fucker they’re overtaking. Pull out at Bristol and the cunts pull back in, once they’re past, somewhere just south of fucking Birmingham.

      The cunts.

      • DCI@ – Had that all down the M62 today – infuriating. (And definitely inconvenient my aircon belt recently coming off!).
        Luckily – and surprisingly given my “somewhat combustible” personality – I do not suffer from the road rage thing.
        “That was silly” or “speed up you fucking corpse” is as about as bad as it gets.
        But I am still continually amazed at how many utter morons do not seem to understand that they have priority when they are to the right at roundabouts – revving, flashing lights, trying to wave me out – this is a basic part of the rules of the road, how can any driver not know this?

      • We get that at roundabouts in the trucks when we’re on normal driving. They stop on a roundabout and wave us out, which they think is polite, but they nearly always get rear-ended. When we’re on ‘Blues’, yes, normal, no.

    • The standard of lorry driving has slipped dramatically over the last 3 decades.

      Following cars dangerously close and weighing 44 tons potentially is extremely irresponsible. When I see this behaviour I feel instant anger.

      Put a modern lorry driver in an old Foden 8 wheeler with a 12 speed crash box and crap brakes and he would be lucky to last a couple of hours before the wagon had ran into the back of someone. That’s assuming the gearbox hadn’t smashed itself to pieces first.

      You had to read the road as far ahead as possible in order to execute a suitable plan.
      It sounds tenuous, but planning ahead was absolutely essential. I suppose DCI will make similar plans and anticipate the potential movement of others well in advance?

      It makes good practice regardless of what your driving. People seem not to look further than the end of their bonnets nowadays.

      Most lorry drivers of old couldn’t even write their names own without difficulty. But at least they could drive, and they would dream of being 10 foot off your bumper.

      • Absolutely, Dick. I’ve been trained to drive, not to pass a test, and plan ahead, reading the road, with an escape plan. Always take the path of least resistance, using the ability to claim an exemption. The standard of driving in this country has become shocking.

    • They are reffered to as CIA.
      Cunt Inna Audi.
      In Sheffield.
      We loath them.
      Arthur’s skip drivers run them off the road.
      Drug dealing cunts.

  19. Mate used to be a traffic policeman and he used to fucking LOVE the unmarked cars precisely because of cunts like this.

  20. A very good cunting Geordie twat. Well written. Agree with your categories and all are massive Cunts. Dangerous fucking arseholes.

    Clarkson for pm. Yes. He maybe a Cunt but dig a bit and he doesn’t take himself seriously. He is also bright, intelligent, not knowledgeable ( that’s different) and thinks on his feet.

    DCI G hunt. Your words verbatim

    • Geordie, you should have included girl racers. About half the time I hear some clapped out cunt mobile, with the exhaust either off or rattling behind, dragged by a wire coat hanger, revving like Schumacher, it’s a bird driving. Tarted up like a Pound land KP, with a Greggs sausage roll and her mobile, stearing with her fucking knees!

      • & then there are the group called ‘ Slipstreamers.’ A group of cunts who are saving on fuel. I see this more with lorries on the motorway. A very dangerous practice, but I have also seen it where bicycles have tailgated to make the ride easier.

  21. I feel like buying a banger and just emergency braking for these cunts. See their windows down cussing like Ronnie Pickering. Impatient wankers.

    • Not Ronnie fucking Pickering, I but the fuck knuckle had to flush himself down the shitta years ago to escape the embarrassment he caused himself, stupid cunt….. Do you know who I am 😂😂😉what an Iron clad, treble cunt

  22. Went to work dis morning (a bit worse for ware) and had a strange tailgater experience.
    i had to follow a van in front of me for the whereabouts of place of job, in the remote sticks.
    the narrow roads were fine, except for this cunt behind me.
    It was like he couldn’t control the accelerator, one minute his up my hole and the next his 100 yards behind and all i was doing was 50mph which was sensible for the road in question.
    This pattern kept repeating until i done the wanker shaking of wrist thing in the rear view mirror when i had enough. he dropped back some way behind until barley in view.
    His brand new soft roader was parked(his residence i assume) about 50 yards up from where i was working.
    Probably knows em very well.
    Fucksake i have to finish up tomorrow

  23. I have always maintained that if everybody had to ride a 50cc moped for 12 months (after passing CBT and a test), before they were issued with a licence to operate a 4 wheeled vehicle on our roads, mutual respect would be improved.

    In the very near future, cars will be fitted with devices that will automatically brake/reduce speed, when you come within a proscribed distance.

    Oh for the follies of my youth, a TZR 250, Fireblades, V4’s V6’s & burbling V8’s😢

    • Been there, done that, still have the burbling v8, zx10 days unfortunately are over, so now I’m enjoying adventure bikes, but not last weekend, to fkn hot, so doing my best not to completely grow up in my 50,s like a cunt refusing to admit defeat 😂

      • Alpha Romeo Giulia 1968 GTA or GT , I will take either em.
        ive seen one in the flesh in 1990 in Crookhaven west Cork.
        Talking with the owner was a pleasure as he was a hands on oil and spanner type
        the car was beautifuly cared for

  26. Being tailed driving at 30mph through a rural market town then remaining at that speed as the road opens up with one of those fat old pricks in open top sports cars swearing at you is a laugh.

  27. BO55 Number plates the ultimate wanker
    Normally a Range or a 4×4 if they are bankrupt builders
    Possibly a transit m sport double cab
    Always a driver who looks like Craig Fairbrass with Down syndrome
    They live in the extended ex council house with lots of Christmas lights and have an ageing welded up missus and prob a few step kids possibly rainbow coloured
    He will tailgate anything as he’s never quite made it but still drives fast past the pub he drank in at 18 as he’s still in the same small town
    Look out for the plate they are everywhere tailgating you

  28. Carry a few 2 inch stones in the side compartment.
    If your lucky enough to have a sunroof a high lob out is a guaranteed hit normally on the bonnet or Windscreen.

    Small enough to not kill the cunt but will leave a calling card and as it’s a stone no cunt can find or prove it.

    A lob out of the window with some height can gain in similar but a lesser hit rate.

    • The best was my friend one time. He owns a snake and he had to get some frozen rats from pets at home and some total arsehole cut him up. The tosser pulled alongside him and started acting like a total wanker. What did he do? Wound down his window, phlegmed in his face and chucked a dead frozen rat through his window on a hot day. Karma if you ask me.

    • The ceramic on a spark plug is a cracker for smashing glass.

      So I’ve heard…

      • Spent AA cell batteries dropped out of an open driver’s window bounce on the road and can make a bang.

  29. The wankers can tailgate me till they explode in rage, 50mph flat out in the Unimog, smokes like a bastard when cold tears a fecking great hole in the ozone layer, bit like a shark in a bowl of custard, lovely Hitler’s Revenge.

    • Always fancied making a rough it camper out of a unimog with the radio body. Or a forward control landrover ambulance. Or a stolly…☺️

  30. A James Bond type oil spraying device would soon deal with tailgating cunts.
    Many years ago, me and a few mates were going to the gunsmiths, in a souped up Capri.
    Some cunts in a Cortina started tailgating us on a motorway sliproad, the front seat passenger was waving a fucking machete.
    They pulled alongside and got a nasty shock, when the window rolled down and they found themselves looking at the business end of a twelve bore pump.
    In a scene reminiscent of The Professionals, they took evasive action as they shat themselves.
    The moral of this story is ‘ never take a knife to a gunfight ‘ 😀
    Good morning.

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