The following are insincere phrases that are either spoken, written down or presented on media displays and are all too commonly seen these days. All of them, to quote Peter Griffin from Family Guy, really grind my gears:
CLAIM #1: “We value your privacy”
No you don’t. If my privacy meant as much as you claim, you wouldn’t be trying to steal my personal details or my web browsing history etc. so fuck right off. Plus in the case of web browsing you only ask now anyway because you have been forced to by law – before that you just helped yourselves.
CLAIM #2: “We apologise for the wait/inconvenience”
Nope. If you cared for customer convenience or time spent on a call, you would increase the amount of telephone operators so that we are not forced to wait in an excessively long queue, only to have our call dropped right before we reach a human being. Making the call centre/staff based in the country/region of the caller’s origin helps a lot with awkward-to-understand accents too.
CLAIM #3: “Your call is important to us”
You may think twice about making that spurious claim when I eventually do talk to a human being and complain about how shit you are as a business/service/bank. If my tirade of expletives is being “recorded for training purposes” then all the better!
Those are the main three which I can think of right now, but I am sure there are many that are equally annoying that I have missed on this list. I am looking forward to seeing what you lovely fellow cunters can come up with.
I turned 50 years old two weeks ago and I have noticed that my patience for corporate bullshit and unnecessary bureaucracy is eroding for each year that I get older.
Nominated by: The Wizard’s Sleeve
I have to admit that the first phrase that jumped into my mind when I saw the title of this nomination was “I promise I won’t come in your mouth.”
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“Well, it’s going to hurt just a little when I push it in, but after that you’ll love it”!
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“Thoughts and prayers”. Every recent disaster or tragedy now has this as a by-line for bandwagon hi-hackers like that fucking Markle creature! “We send thoughts and prayers to the brave people of Indonesia after suffering such a devastating earthquake” Well, I feel like a right cunt now because all I sent was £50!
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I recently had that situation where a money grabbing insurer virtually doubled the premium & tried to auto renew. Rang em to cancel it & got told my call was important to them & I was number 42 in the call-waiting queue (ironic really, considering that is the ultimate meaning of life, the universe & everything.)
Needless to say, I hung up & thought bollocks to them. What followed, via email, was a fortnight of insurance cover which they said I would be charged for & a request to contact them for payment. Kiss my arse!
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And why do the cunts make it seem like they’re doing you a favour by upping your fucking premium?
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DCI@ – Afternoon DCI/all, I used to work in insurance – approaching renewal time (30 days or less) get a load of online quotes from price comparison sites then totally ignore them – this will generate follow ups with offers and whatever the cheapest 2nd quote is contact the company directly – it saves them paying the commission to the broker (which is what the comparison sites are in reality) and can save considerable money.
And always ask if they do Civil Service discount! 😀👍
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¡Que tengas un buen día!
(Have a good day)
This Americanised shit has caught on over here now.
Fuck off!
You don’t give a toss if I have a good day or not.
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Worse still, “You guys have a great day!”
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And………..
“It is what it is”
That’s another one that makes my shit itch.
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Fatalistic and tautologous. The loser’s lament.
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“Living your best life” – what does that even fucking mean? Makes me feel fucking ill every time I hear it. Also ” my bad”, which is somehow supposed to encourage you to forgive someone, instead of which I feel like punching them up the throat.
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“Let’s get Brexit done!”
We all knew that was bollocks right from the off and am surprised Boris was able to keep a straight face without bursting into laughter while mumbling “Only joking!”
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“We are all in this together”
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“Lessons will be learned”
a most irritating phrase often trumpeted after an “attack of peace”
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Or a public sector fuck-up leading to deaths of kids/old people.
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“Sorry you’ve had to wait so long for us”.
No I’m not, I couldn’t give a flying fuck. If you’ve waited that long, you didn’t need us in the first fucking place.
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Lessons will be learned.
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Why is it that whenever a weasel politician comes out with ‘Lessons have been learned’ no fucker asks ‘like what?’
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Bollocks missed it done already. Does that one count?
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It does count, because they really havent ‘learned’ a thing and spout the same shit over and over. Its a 21st century method of trying to cover up the guilt of the cunt that said it.
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” There’s no need for that attitude/ foul language,Sir “
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When companies say “Your call may be recorded for training purposes”, Fiddler Towers recordings has become mandatory training for dealing with ‘awkward’ customers.
Morning Fiddler/all.
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DF-F@ – 🤣👍
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“Hard working taxpayers”
“I followed the Ministerial guidelines”
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“Thank you for shopping at Morrissons”
“Said” by a robot self-service machine. A) as if a machine gives a fuck; B) I didn’t shop here, I was roundly ripped off for very under par shite food.
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Morrisons smells of BO.
The fish counter always reminds me of Jennifer Whitmore, (some slag at school that even I had difficulty licking out).
The veg and fruit looks and smells over ripe, and looks as if it’s been kicked around the floor before being displayed.
The Pie Man couldn’t bake a pie if his life depended on it.
The cakes and doughnuts taste of bicarbonate of soda, and what the fuck is with that dusty sugar?
The beef is all ‘B/C class’ cattle.
I used to take it to Woodhead Brothers at Colne for slaughter. They really would buy anything. Even attempts of Friesian bull calves fattened up.
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My local Morrisons fish counter smells worse than my bait buckets on a hot day, and given that fresh fish doesn’t smell, I really dread to think how long they leave the piscatorial delights lying around stewing in their own fetid fluids before offering them to the public. That said I had a nice piece of smoked haddock from them last week.
Thanks for contacting us, your call really matters.
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The Chorizo/pork sausage rolls are nice. Steak and Kidney pies have gone down hill. Otherwise a trial for crimes against food should be called for.
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An aside yet perhaps pertinent, an app called Cube ACR (automatic call recorder) let’s you record phone calls,mobile or WhatsApp. 10 quid a year or record a couple for free. I find it very useful.
Back on topic I’m forever shouting at the automated recording, so always attempt an email instead, CC’ing others in whatever the institution, can help, particularly the CEO.
https://www.ceoemail.com/
I’ve had good results when I drag the head honcho into things. Even had one quisling removed from their work for being a prying cunt,hopefully they were sacked.
“Every little helps”
The cunts.
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@Morello. great link…just what I needed Many Thanks !
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10£, no kissing.
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Anything to do with the weather in general conversations. This usually happens when you’re walking the dog in the park and you should meet another dog walker totally unknown to you. But there’s always that awkward embarrassing silence until someone opens the well worn salvo of:-
“It’s a bit cold today!”
or
“It’s a bit hot today!”
or
“It’s been snowing then?” as we stand in 2ft of fucking snow!
Am so tempted to start the conversation off with something like “Do you think Greta takes it up the arse?”
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Well if anyone would know, it’s you Techno. 🙂
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How dare you!
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“Migration will be brought under control”
No it won’t you soft cunts.
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“The hard working people of this country deserve..”
You couldn’t give a fuck if they starved to death.
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“Your call is important to us”. Yet not important enough for us to employ adequate Indian call centre staff on 5 rupees a day.
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Or dealing with a deceased relatives estate. “We’re sorry for your loss”. But you did fail to inform the DVLA of your father’s death, so you are liable to be fined £1000 for failing to return his driving licence within 30 minutes of his death certificate being issued.
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HSBC have miraculously DROPPED the annoyin-as-feck “We are currently experiencing high call volumes,” presumably as they have no bloody intention of improving staffing levels in order to cope. It also means you can do all the automated stuff a lot more quickly.
I dunno if they still have those mega cunt Richard E I Addio adverts, but all I’ve been watching recently is music on YouTube, and Sky Nooz. But the latter was switched off today, as Polly Toynbee appeared, and my todger ran for the hills. Her box must be as dusty as an antique furniture shop.
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Back to keep eating their shit and they will keep serving it.
Piss poor service is the norm. Call any supplier or council dept and you get the same. The only way to counter them is mass non payment until improvements in service are made.
Particularly council tax, they are my biggest piss boiler. Locally the Cunts are still working from home and I’m positive Doris turns the phone off not to disturb her day time TV.
If everyone in a region declared no council tax payments until the people paying for it all got some decent service things would change.
As individuals we have no power but if the majority hit them where it hurts they are fucked. This is why central government taxes income at source and removes the peoples most powerful weapon.
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My council working from home too so I’m not sure which cunt put the fucking Ukraine flag up at the office.
How about concentrate on providing value for the £350 per month council tax that you charge to line your pensions for doing fuck all.
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It is amazing in this day and age you can pretty much sign up for everything online.. but try to cancel something you have to speak to a human being..
I wonder why.
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That way they know they’ll get another 6 months’ worth of payments, because that’s how long it takes to get through to the cunts. Morning all.
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Yes if you’re signing up you will be put through to a department of thousands , cancelling and you get put through to Jeff , who works part time one day a week on his own
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The direct debit guarantee is the way to shut these cunts up and their shitty call centres.
Just cancel the direct debit with your bank.
Fuck all they can do..plus you also claim a refund against any and all that have been debited incorrectly or without your explicit consent.
The Cunts.
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I try for a week to cancel. If I can’t get through on the phone and there is no email address I just cancel the DD. You’ll get a letter about it within a couple of days, it’s amazing how available they are when the money stops.
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Black Lives Matter
Well do something worthwhile then, instead of trashing other peoples property when you cant have something for nothing.
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The Co-op has a man speaking over the tannoy.
“These premises are monitored by CCTV security systems, this is for the comfort and safety of our customers.”
Bollocks. What I’d say on the tannoy would be completely different, but closer to the truth.
“If any of you thieving cunts are thinking of half-inching oat, you’re on candid camera. We at the Co-op reserve the right to break your fingers before leaving the store.”
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When you drive into a supermarket car park and you see a big board saying “hello”, with a picture of some Dar Key kid biting an apple, is it just me that wants to do a 180, and just drive back out of these virtue-signalling dumps?
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Biting a watermelon, maybe?
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A picture of Dianne Abbott’s son biting a police officer would be more amusing.
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Or a picture of a smiling Angela Raynor at a bukkake party would be better.
“Welcome, cum on in boys.”
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About to bite a jizz-glazed ring doughnut of course.
That would get the customers in, and men would be eager to take their wives shopping.
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And when you drive out, the reverse of the sign could have Raynor bent over, looking back, with her puckered ringpiece on display pushing out an anal creampie, with the slogan, “Thanks, please call again soon”.
These marketing bods have no idea. Honestly.
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Roadworks that apologise for the “Inconvenience during these essential roadworks”.
The cunts revel in the fucking delays they cause, and, if they were that fucking essential, they’d actually be there, fucking working rather than sticking up a set of temporary traffic lights and fucking off for six months.
Motherfuckers of Biblical proportions.
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A few years ago I saw, in a magazine or online somewhere, a road sign for ‘Temporary Roadworks’. Somebody had written underneath, in thick black marker, ‘Permanent Notice’. About sums it up.
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The one that boils my piss is all the cones, no cunt on site. Fucking work you cunts. Or the one where all the cunts are yapping.
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You can tell they’re working for the council when one is doing and three are watching.
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Years ago now, was stuck in desperately slow moving traffic through some road works. Saw a sign which said “Speeders will be prosecuted”. Someone had put a line through “prosecuted” and written “congratulated” instead. Still makes me chuckle.
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It gets even worse during June (Self declared Gåy pride month)
Every business, bank, shop, cinema, restaurant, entertainment establishment, rail company, travel agent, local council etc (list goes on) declare there insincere support for the LgBTq+ cause by showing off the rainbow flag (or it’s confusing ever changing multitude of variations) just as a virtue signalling move to gåy people who make up just 1.9% of the population…….
Shame the same organisations cannot declare the same level of over the top gratitude and support to Servicemen & women who risk their lives and in some cases die for the UK.
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For such notices a black marker should be employed, adding a ‘P’ to the LGBTQIA etc.
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“Brexit means Brexit”
Utter insincere bollocks…
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It’s true though, Brexit does indeed mean Brexit. Not that we’ll ever get it.
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Brexit means BRINO
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Look at the Cunts queuing for hours at Dover, to travel to Europe that mostly despises and enrich Europeans spending their hard earned for the privilege.
Boundaries are being pushed and we are being educated to accept third world services at first world prices.
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Channel migrants aka cunts
‘Dangerous crossing/busiest shipping lane in the world’
1000’s have drowned, actually not, pretty much zero. Why the fuck do they (politicians) say it, over and over and over again.
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‘Black lives matter’.
I guess they do to some people, but apparently not to a majority of black ‘yoof’, most of whom seem to be busily engaged in stabbing one another like it was a national sport, which it is in their countries of origin.
Also, ‘We are all George Floyd’. Well I’m not. I don’t recall ever being cracked off my tits, selling illegal cigarettes and violently resisting arrest.
‘Let me be frank…’. A phrase uttered by politicians, immediately preceding a blatant lie.
‘I wish to apologise for…’ A phrase uttered by politicians, immediately preceding a blatant lie. Used in an attempt to ameliorate the consequences of their own bestiality, cruising, adultery, etc.
‘The vast majority of people think…’ A phrase uttered by politicians, immediately preceding a blatant lie. Used in an attempt to justify a ludicrous position.
‘Diversity is our strength’. A phrase uttered by politicians immediately proceeding race riots, looting and setting fire to cars.
Finally, being told to ‘Enjoy!’, when being served a full English in the local greasy-spoon.
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