The following are insincere phrases that are either spoken, written down or presented on media displays and are all too commonly seen these days. All of them, to quote Peter Griffin from Family Guy, really grind my gears:
CLAIM #1: “We value your privacy”
No you don’t. If my privacy meant as much as you claim, you wouldn’t be trying to steal my personal details or my web browsing history etc. so fuck right off. Plus in the case of web browsing you only ask now anyway because you have been forced to by law – before that you just helped yourselves.
CLAIM #2: “We apologise for the wait/inconvenience”
Nope. If you cared for customer convenience or time spent on a call, you would increase the amount of telephone operators so that we are not forced to wait in an excessively long queue, only to have our call dropped right before we reach a human being. Making the call centre/staff based in the country/region of the caller’s origin helps a lot with awkward-to-understand accents too.
CLAIM #3: “Your call is important to us”
You may think twice about making that spurious claim when I eventually do talk to a human being and complain about how shit you are as a business/service/bank. If my tirade of expletives is being “recorded for training purposes” then all the better!
Those are the main three which I can think of right now, but I am sure there are many that are equally annoying that I have missed on this list. I am looking forward to seeing what you lovely fellow cunters can come up with.
I turned 50 years old two weeks ago and I have noticed that my patience for corporate bullshit and unnecessary bureaucracy is eroding for each year that I get older.
Nominated by: The Wizard’s Sleeve
” yeah, yeah it’s perfectly normal…everyone does this”
and
” are you sure it will fit in there?”
5
“That comes to £15.02”
“Here’s a £20 note……..would you like the odd 2p?”
“If you have it”
“…why the fuck do you think I offered it? Cunt”
7
“Take the positives out of it” used by any sports team after they’ve been absolutely fucking pumped!
4
‘Have a nice day!’
‘All the best, take care’
3
‘Have a nice day!’
‘Fucking won’t.’
3
Cunts using ‘ssoo.. at the start of sentences.
Platitudes are popular with these soy-sucking drones.
4
One that I use a lot is “I remember you telling me that.”
It’s my polite way of saying, “yeah you fucking told me that already you cunt.”
Or
“I understand. ”
This allows me to fake empathy and really means, “you’re boring me with your complaint. Could you please fuck off about 5 minutes ago?”
3
“If it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be”
As if everything that happens is pre arranged.
Your destiny is written.
The stupid cunts that come out with shit like this still look both ways before they cross the road.
2
I like to use a common phrase we all know when cutting some cunt down to size:
“With the greatest respect…”
Which of course means “with absolutely no respect whatsoever because you’re a cunt…”
Yanks don’t get it, so obviously I use it all the time.
6
In the south we follow an insult with “…bless his/her heart.”
1
It is what it is I use quite often like a spade is a spade.
1
The minimum wage call jockeys are told to apologise, I always say “don’t apologise – get more staff on the phones – make sure you report this expression of dissatisfaction to your manager”. (They never do).
Platitudes to rob us of money if a chargeable call and our time if not – they treat us with contempt.
There are very few businesses that provide decent customer service, and you have to pay through the nose for them.
And you don’t need a fkin interpreter to understand them!
Worst service of all?
O2, and as soon as my contract is up (soon) I am off.
Money talks, and after several years of paying them my money I am sick and tired of having the piss taken.
1
Why have the majority of comments disappeared?
2
You’ll probably find that you’re now on a new page. Look top or bottom for a link to ‘Older Comments’, this caught me out at the beginning on a phone.
1
Thanks. Ain’t never been one foh dis der book-learning n stuff.
2
You are using your mobile?
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and select ‘Desktop Version’.
Now scroll to the bottom of the original nomination and select ‘Older Comments’.
2
Thanks, fixed it
1
1. This machine takes card only. Do you wish to continue?
Jeezuz that’s a bit existential!
2: unexpected item in packing area
That’s my facking shopping!!
0
Do you wish to see your account balance?
Fuck no. There’s a dodgy looking bloke behind me.
Do you want a receipt?
Fuck no, I’m going to grab and run!
Please key in your pin and press Enter!
Get on with it, bitch!
Please enter your DOB.
WTF!
Please tell us your shoe size.
Kill me now!
ATMs, fucking hate them.
0