Non Golfers

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Imagine a place where casual racism and sexism is not only expected, but also encouraged.

Where is this place? You may ask.
It’s not far from you and it is your local golf club.

I’m not talking about the municipal golf course.They will allow any riff raff in to play.

Your local private golf club is where you need to be. You can spend many, many happy hours there and not see a darkie. Peacefuls do not play golf either.

Unfortunately woman do.

It is recognised that they are hopeless at golf. They have their own, dedicated tees which make the course play a lot shorter and easier. But even then, they are rubbish at the game and they have a higher handicap allowance.

Golf courses have special women’s days. That way you can avoid that course and go and play at another.

Poofs and trannies do not play golf.

With the handicap system, average golfers can compete and enjoy a game with better golfers. Even the worst golfer will hit at least one shot in his round, usually by fluke, that even a tour professional would be proud of. Everyone goes home happy.

All golf clubs have captains.

They are not in that lofty position because of their playing ability.
They are generally late middle aged men who have not adopted woke attitudes.

Etiquette, good manners, fair play and correct attire are all enforced. Cheating is not allowed.

Loud coloured, ridiculous clothing is generally only worn by Americans. Smart casual is the order of the day.

Playing golf allows you to escape from the wife and family for hours on end. On holiday you can leave the wife on the beach with her book while you go to enjoy a course with like minded people.

Many golf courses are stunningly picturesque.

Playing golf keeps you fit and active.

To be any good at the game needs practice. There will be a driving range near you, and that driving range will have a bar.

You will rarely see women at practice facilities. They don’t bother as any hope of improvement is futile.

Golf courses all have bars too.
One where you can wear your sometimes muddy shoes, the stud bar. Often, another one for more formal wear. The formal bars will often have women in them, so are best avoided.

So there you have it.
Beautiful, landscaped areas. Free of ethnics, poofters and with few women.
An oasis where good manners and smart clothes are expected.

What’s not to like?

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

74 thoughts on “Non Golfers”

  1. What’s not to like? Well how about the cost for a kick off. Nothing comes free these days.

  3. It’s true that you are unlikely find boatloads of illegal immicunts being housed in golf clubs. Neither are golfers likely to go on the rampage tearing down their club houses for links to slavery. So yes, a paradise of sanity and common sense.

    Golf also has an illustrious history. It was invented by the grandfather of Bilbo Baggins when he knocked of the head of an orc and it flew straight down a rabbit hole. That ork was called Golfinball. This must be true because I read it in a book.

  4. I spent my childhood at war with golfers.
    A conflict much more bitter and unforgiving than the spat in Ukraine.

    See, I lived not far from a golf club and its where as kids wed go sledging.
    Wed cross the links to get to our rope swing.

    The golfers resented some little urchins trotting across the links and would threaten us!

    Sadly we would have to pelt them with bricks and stones.

    Ive never liked them since.
    Its a deeply engrained hatred.
    I see some cunt in a bright yellow tshirt with a sunvisor on I want to bounce a cobblestone off his nut.

    The war may be over but I never surrendered.

    • I also used to go sledging down a golf course. My local one had a great hill that was perfect for this. But only when it was snowing so no golfers around. The club didn’t like it though and we always got chased of by some cunt in a canary yellow parka and bright checked snow trousers.

      • Same MCMM.
        Massive hill perfect for sledging.
        Wed use car bonnets.
        A simple pleasure now denied to the youth as it has a massive metal fence all the way round.

        A paradise now denied to the oipolloi,
        Reserved for middle management in checked trousers☹️

        “BRICK EM!!!”

      • They did that at the the course I lived close to in Blackburn MNC.

        When I was about 14 me and a couple of mates took our BMX’s for a ride on the course on a moonlit night.

        There were small berms surrounding one particular Green that we used as a ramp, landing on the Green and then doing overly dramatic skids.

        We proper totalled it.

        What made it even funnier was my old man was both a member and on the Committee I shit you not.

        I remember him asking me to keep my ears to the ground or words to the effect to see if I could help identify the culprits never suspecting for a minute it was me and my mates. 😂

    • I did part of my hangliding training on a golf course (Baildon), the cunts used to hit balls at us when we landed on the fairway….😀

  5. “What’s not to like?” indeed….

    I wouldn’t be seen dead playing Golf….dreadful middle-management estate-agent types.retired Colonel Blimps, Audi drivers, lace-curtain twitching busybodies, gin-swilling bores and homosexuals scouting for their next dogging-spot.

    Parvenu Paradise.

    ( Although I’m sure The Artful Cunter’s club is the exception….of course)

    • Indeed. I’ve heard that Fat Reg loves a nice wood in his hands.

      I’ll leave the hole in one gags to the more desperate cunters,

      • Not so keen on the Irons though and he isn’t very good at driving off as he often is heard ferreting around in the bushes after losing his balls in the rough.

    • PS….most caravan/campervan owners and ramblers can be found on the golf course when they’re not busy clogging the roads or trespassing…I believe the open spaces at a Golf Club reminds them of happy hours spent in the countryside annoying vast land-owners.

      • Morning Dick.

        I was remiss yesterday in not thanking you for your advice re wetting the turf. Had already been factored in but your tip much appreciated anyway. 🙂

  6. Scouting for lost golf balls was one of my lucrative achievements as a kid living not too far from a municipal golf course.

    Would go hunting for them (and any tees in good condition) after the club had closed for the evening. I’d then give them a good clean and then flog them at discounted rates at the local private club.

    I used to make almost £3 a week during summer. Quite a lot of cash for the mid 70s

  8. While many undesirables dont play golf, the sad fact is that those that do are 100% cunts.

    • On the contrary, I have always had the highest regard for Willie Stroker.

      Apart from the time he set up in business from the servants quarters, selling Princess Died’s soiled knickers on eBay.

  10. The most fun ever had on a golf course was by me and my mate Lee at the height of summer, circa 1991.

    Having taken a short cut across the local golf course to score some acid, we found ourselves being chased by some beetroot faced old cunt, brandishing a golf bat and bellowing something about getting off the green, trespass and calling the police.

    He was told to fuck off in no uncertain terms from a safe distance.

    Fast forward several hours and a couple of purple oms and we were making our way back across the now deserted course, absolutely tripping off our tits.

    Approaching the 9th hole and totally out of the blue, Lee undid his jeans, took a squat and crimped one off down the hole, with me and him both holding onto the flag for balance.

    I still remember us laughing until we had tears running down our faces at the thought of some old fat cunt grabbing a handful of Lee’s shit as he went to retrieve a ball from the 9th hole the next morning.

    Happier times indeed. Thoroughly recommend.

      • Because it was around mid July. shroom picking season isn’t until end of August / beginning of September. 😜

      • What were them paper tabs called in the 60’s?

        I used to take them at festivals, they like dissolved in your mouth.

        I think they were LSD. But they were known as ‘tabs’.

        Was ‘90’s acid the same sort of stuff as LSD?

      • They were, and still are, known as tabs of acid (LSD).

        I still have a couple of tabs my niece sent us from America a few years ago. Used to take it on and off in my 20s and 30s, never had a bad trip, but not so keen now I’m in my late 60s, but Lady C keeps bugging me, “when are we going to have that acid Stephanie sent? She said it’s not that strong…”

        🤔

      • Thanks RTC.

        I would have thought they would be out of circulation nowadays, and deemed old-fashioned and mild.

        They looked amateurishly produced, like someone had just cut them into squares with some scissors.

        I never had a bad trip. Used to last for hours though. The next day I often felt like shit though, until I had another.

        I don’t fancy taking that stuff now either.

        I’d rather have 30mg of Oramorph and be zonked out on the sofa.

    • I once shat into one of those golf holes too. It took the precision aiming 633 squadron would have been proud of not to clip the edge of the hole, giving away its deadly contents to the unwary golfist cunt who would have got a handful of my repackaged lunch.
      In moonlight too!

      • While we managed our daring raid at twilight and completely off our faces, your precision bombing by moonlight is the stuff of legend, Sir!

        Up there with the sinking of the Tirpitz, but with shit instead of 12,000 lbs of Torpex. 😁

      • You two have put me of golf for life. I have often toyed with taking it up. Not now.

      • Just take up shitting in the holes instead MMCM.

        Far more satisfying than frequenting one of those arsehole farms in daylight hours and a guaranteed hole in one every time.

        As GJ suggests, do it only by moonlight and you will become a local golf course legend, ‘The phantom shitter’.

      • Indeed, my hole in one was as satisfying, and far more memorable than hitting a ball with a bat.
        And, although there was no LSD involved, it was the early 90s, before the days of smelly skunk, and we had to make do with squidgy Afghan black.
        The ultimate case of shits and giggles….😂

  11. I’d say most golfers 🏌️‍♀️ are ultra social degenerates with sociopathic tendencies and superior complex’s. I speak from experience. I am a golfer 🏌️‍♀️.
    It does keep peaceful no speaky English cunts at bay though. Like you say if the split arses have the course fuck off and golf elsewhere. Love it. Off to play in the monthly medal 🏅

  12. The picture more than likely shows a typical girly golf situation. The one on the left is about to tee off, but the others are totally oblivious.

  13. No women allowed, just chubby middle-aged men surrounded by bushes.

    Sounds like a sausage-fest.

    • I’ve never understood this game, Cap’n. It’s for people who can’t do much.

  14. Haverfordwest golf course is a true cunts paradise, while I was in Rhodesia a bunch of pie keys camped next door and used to shit in the holes on the course, made me chuckle the thought of some piss head in a Pringle jumper getting pie key shit all over his hands!!!

      • Sshhhhh!

        The phantom shitter’s
        identity must remain a secret.

        All that is known about him is his penchant for manic giggling and his disdain for cunts who play golf.

  15. Never played the game, done a bit of crazy golf, not sure what the fuss is about, a big bat to slap the ball a couple of hundred yards and a little bat to put it in the hole.
    Would mind a ‘round’ with the 4 white ladies in the header, the way the dark one is holding the club she is obviously used to a much thicker shaft 😂

  16. I have, over the years, carried out numerous pest control sessions on various golf courses.
    Using silenced high powered Air rifles, .22 rim fire or HMR.
    Lamping or gen 1/2 night vision👍

    Head greenkeepers at the best courses, can earn a decent wage. I was told that at some clubs, the Christmas tips divided amongst the greens staff, ran into thousands each 👍

    However, I stand with the ethos that “Golf is a good walk, ruined!”

    • I’m clearly preoccupied as I read that last bit as ‘Golf is a good wank, ruined.’

  17. Not forgetting the obvious:

    It is a sport for snobs.
    I fucking hate snobs.
    I mean, I really fucking detest snobs👎

    • Morning CG…I wonder if, just before they’re about to hit the ball, they all do that weird little arse wiggle?
      Possibly ‘presenting’ their bottom to their pringle jumper wearing chums.

    • Totally agree CG, the snobbery is really off putting (pun intended), though the absence of darkies and deviants is attractive. But the absence of women? Dunno, I quite like women me.

  18. If golf meant being on Hastings beach and firing off balls at top speed toward incoming dinghy spongers, that’d be great.
    Imagine us 50-odd ISAC gentlemen in a line on the beach, repelling darkıe invaders by attempting to knock them off their flimsy crafts…what a spectacle!

    • TtCE@ – Afternoon Thomas – perchance you could avail yourself of my latest invention – “novelty live grenade golf balls”..

    • I’d just rather we all hit them with a 9 iron when they land on the beach.

  19. I’m old and half dead.

    But I wouldn’t be seen dead on a golf course.

    It’s signifies the end; you are past your sell by date and have given up on life, and your family.

    I doubt that even the cheapest and nastiest of clubs would even have me in. I’m too crude and unruly.

    If I’m not allowed to stick a dry No1 wood up the ladies’ vice captain’s minge in a sand bunker, sorry I’m not interested. The other 18 holes are boring.

  20. A friend was recently asked if he played golf. “No,” he replied, “l’m still having sex.”

  21. A friend was recently asked if he played golf. “No,” he replied,”I’m still having sex.”

  22. The Sootie woman in the header pick looks like she hasn’t got a clue.

    The woman with the club in her hand is saying,

    “Here Charlene, just grasp it firmly with both hands love, like you do Leroy’s love snake, and you’ll be fine. Don’t be frightened darling, I won’t knock seven bells of shit out of you afterwards.”

  24. I do not belong to any particular golf club – I do “pay and play” at various courses, 15 quid for four hours of walking around in paradise, can’t beat it really.
    And one of the few places in the western world which has not been invaded by the “LGBTQABC, wimminz rights (not acceptable to have Men only clubs but perfectly fine to have wimminz only gyms, taxi firms etc – fuck off) – none of our “effnick chums” as there is nothing to scrounge, no “waycism” points to score and fuck all to thieve or claim compensation for. No need for daft outfits or paying a fortune – the only things you need to buy new are the footwear and glove and the rest of the stuff is dirt cheap used.
    And never, ever tee off behind a group of Women – doing so guarantees a slow and frustrating day.

  25. Last time I went to a golf club was to see band play a gig upstairs.

    It was 2007 and that smoking ban had just come in. I lit a fag at the top of the stairs on the way out.
    I’d forgot and was a bit pissed.

    Some middle aged fat cunt manager type started shouting and going overboard about this cigarette I was smoking. So I carried on smoking it nonchalantly and ignored him. He grabbed me and threw me down the stairs, but somehow he came with me.
    We landed at the bottom and I punched him and told him the place was a fucking dive, and it was.

    The fat cunt bruised all my ribs, and I couldn’t sit down as I had hit my coccyx on something.

    Another fine scrape I got myself into. I miss all the scuffles I used to get into, but not the cuts and bruises.

  26. A word of warning – there is a rumour James Brown died after eating a poisoned fish meal at a golf club restaurant – police are working on the theory that he got sole, and it was super bad..
    Yes, I know – picking up me Pringle coat as I leave! 🏃‍♂️

  27. I haven’t read this nomination yet (I’ll do it later) but I’d just like to say in response, as a non-golfer, that golfers are closet faggots.

  28. Lots of cunts play this ‘sport’ at the business where I ply my trade, I often hear them talking about what new bats they are using or the latest ball with NASA technology.

    I was invented to a ‘Gawwf course’ once for a game, but as I explained it’s a pastime I’ll consider when I’m too old or dead to do anything else.

    • I know I’ve joined this cunting as a non-golfer/golf-hater………. but it’s called a club – not a bat. Just saying.

      • Golf bats, tennis sticks, cricket clubs. Call em what you like. Kiddies toys.

      • Slag-hammer!……….. that’s what I call my cock anyway. :/

      • It’s the same wind up the anti-football crowd use; kickball, sportball etc. I pay it no mind.

  30. Personally i find that golf is the opposite of football. I don’t have the slightest interest in the sport but it has a good culture around it and winds up the right people (the yooni folk and penniless lib dem/labour voters who shop at Iceland with mucky brats in tow). I follow football for the game but despise the culture around it, be it hooliganoids or knee-bending prawn sandwich wankers.

    I don’t play but know a lot of people who do, and all are straight white men with jobs.

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