There are some Casting Agency young couples who I am sure are totally genuine despite talking like frozen muppets appearing ont’ telly to warn us about the wave of criminality now engulfing our new estates.
“Did you hear next door was arse burgled the other day”
“Ooh we did. There is an epidemic of arse burgling on the estate. I wish we could feel safe in our own beds.’
“We have had a Verisure Alarm fitted. We rang them and they came and fitted the same day. Now we have total peace of mind and they give you a limited time offer of a free door bell arsecam. ”
“What a Graze idea.”
“You’re doing the wrong ad you cunt. Yes you should get one. If you fancy having your arseburgled you can see who it is and let them in. Verisure let you can take control of your own life.”
“Yes you should get one. If you fancy having your arseburgled you can see who it is and let them in. Verisure let you can take control of your own life.”
“What a good idea (fake Co-Op Insurance type smile to partner). We’ll get one fitted right away.”
“Yes do. You won’t regret it. We have no worries now.”
How much do they cost?”
“That is not in my script”
Fake Co-Op Insurance type smiles all round.
Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke
Seconded by: Cassandra
Along with the likes of Kevin Twatly, whose Key advert for equity release really boils my piss. Has he no shame trying to persuade us pensioners to fritter away our kids’ inheritance? “we’ll tell you if it’s not right for you?” Fuck off – the few applications you do reject is because they ain’t right for Key. These products are invariably a bad idea – except for the mercenary fuckers making the ads.
Same goes for all the other “funeral plans”, “debt consolidation” and “snake oil” products on TV. You know who you are Eamonn and Carol.
All of those “sadverts” boil my piss.Shit gibbons.
11
Does it call the police? What good is that? My security system is a good dog and a ready arsenal.
When seconds count, the police are only minutes away.
Just send the meat truck.
14
It is for this reason I miss my Rottweiler.
No meat truck required.
3
Will it keep the government out of your wallet? No? No fucking good then is it?
Still once we get centralised programmable f digital currency we won’t get burglaries any more.
No ones going to rob you for a locust burger and lentil McFlurry.
11
I’ve seen the ad for the alarm system. Cringeworthy shite designed to appeal to the fuckbook generation I suspect.
Any ad with that fat tongued cunt Phil Spencer in boils my piss. The hopeless, useless talentless wanker, unemployable in any proper job.
8
And he was sequestered in a hotel room with Kirstie, Baroness Harelip-Hindleg or whatever her name is. Wobbly old trout. Just the sort of baggage that Spencer would go for.
I’d still do that busty Beeny…
5
During summer our neighbour’s alarm goes off regularly the moment they leave the house and they often don’t come back for hours so it just gets ignored. If some cunt smashed their way in and loaded all their possessions into a removal van I suspect nobody would notice.
14
Mind you, I used to have a car with a factory fitted alarm like that. During hot weather it would randomly go off, morning, noon or, the cunt, middle of the night. The only saving grace was I could bolt out of bed and turn it off in a few seconds through the bedroom window with the remote fob, I’d started keeping it on my bedside cabinet. It only stopped when I sold what was otherwise an excellent car. Fucking thing.
5
Was it by any chance an Audi Moggie? Just asking because I’ve known of this problem with several Audis.
0
No, it was a Vauxhall Omega saloon. The next car, the same but an estate never had that problem.
0
When Vauxhall’s were half decent.
0
Borrow a shotgun and blow the fucking thing off the wall.
If you leave a large hole in the process, so what?
That’s called an attractive nuisance, which draws criminal minded people to the location.
I’m sure you don’t want your place robbed, take a couple of like minded neighbours and have a word.
3
I like these adverts.
They pretend spending thousands of pounds on a fancy siren will stop The Romanys or Dark Keys or Heroin Skeletons from stoving your window to pinch your telly.
Hilarious cunts.
21
PS:anyone selling equity release should be shot.
12
By all means remortgage, but Equity Release is basically theft. I remember reading about some poor bastards who, just for example, released £30k on their £150k house. They expected to pay back £30k plus the accrued interest. Nope. The house had risen in value to something stupid like £400k. The cunts now wanted 30% of the £400k, because they were the terms under which they had borrowed the money, not an specific amount but a percentage of the property’s worth. I would cheerfully throttle any equity release ‘advisor’ till his balls fell off or cunt vacuum sealed itself. I’ll try to find a link, it was some years ago but I don’t believe the the thieving bastards have changed at all.
16
Fortunately, although these equity release types write me friendly letters, starting “Dear Jeezum,” and urging me to release some equity before I’m too decrepit to enjoy a world cruise or such, the terms of my late partners will now means I no longer own the property fully, need permission from the girls to move and its all theirs when I kipper.
Designed to protect against local authorities forcing property sales for payment of long term care, it also protects you against these fucking moochers, too.
5
I work in the industry and it isn’t theft as per say. But it doesn’t work for the majority of people. It’s much much more regulated than even the most conservative of lenders. It’s very easy to missell. Effectively your buying a 500k property for 200k.
If you have no children with cancer and you love you neighbours, why would you move?
3
Ps I don’t sell it but don’t believe all these sob stories on the media I was missold this and that.
1
A lot of torture first unkle, then oven the cunts. The Mrs has taken to telling Cunty off when he vents a fuck off you cunt at the appearance of these snake oil salesmen or women.
6
Heroin skeletons…😀👍👍
11
Made me chuckle too. I hadn’t heard herion skeletons. Used before.
5
Me three.
Heroin skeletons.
Pure genius.
0
These actors are fuckin terrible.
Like a kids nativity standard of acting.
Theres one flogging life insurance where the old cunt says about a party for his family and says
“And do my lot know how to party!!”
Accept they don’t.
Or how to act .
It cuts to his family ‘partying ‘
Some old middle-class cunts, some kids,
And a glass of white wine.
Hardly fuckin Keith Moon.
And one of them, a bloke,
Is stood rocking from side to side like the Mummy or something?
No one else is doing this?
Must be music only he can hear?
Anyway if you cant be arsed to make a decent advert,
I can’t be arsed to take out life insurance.
8
One of the few adverts without a coconut face leering out at you….imagine making an advert about crime and not having a Sooty Gentleman in it…talk about unrealistic.
If I was trying to flog burglar alarms, my ad would have a couple of white wimmin cowering in a house as a tribe of UmBongos pressed their flared nostrils against the windows and waggled their purple tongues through their rubber lips while chanting ” Me lickey da lady arseholes…uga-bogga”.
My alarm system would be called ” W O. G W A T C H”
34
Eloquent as always, Lord Fiddler.
Jolly good show, or summat.
7
Afternoon,J.P.
Keeping well ?
6
Indeed Sir, and your good self?
Chased any interesting vermin, recently?
4
Been shooting fucking rooks this afternoon…fucking things are trying to nest in the chimney pots….typical of the awkward cunts,one that I got rolled down the slates and is now blocking the gutter.
6
Oh bollocks!
Now Lady Fiddler is facing a dangerous climb!
I’m sure you’ll have your foot on the ladder, to keep it stable.
4
It’ll be me up the ladder,JP.
6
And will Lady Fiddler be holding t’ladder?
Or the Groundsman, probably.
3
I won’t need anyone holding it,JP….been up enough heights to not be too bothered by a ladder.
6
Thart a braver man than me!
3
” Me lickey da lady arseholes…uga-bogga”
Thank you your Lordship for that comment. 😁
I have just spat my evening ale out over my phone.
5
I’m hoping to tempt an outraged Black+White Cunt to make a return.
9
Yes, and what’s happened to our Cunter of the Year; Ron Knee?
6
He did do a nom the other week, seen his name lurking around. He it’s most likely selling equity release badly. Haha.
4
Aye,I hope he’s OK.
We’ve lost some good Cunters but gained some good ‘uns too.
5
Am somewhat worried about Ron.
4
B&WC is missed terribly.
2
As a kid growing up in the 60s/70s, I was always much amused by an ad in the Radio Times:
“Put a Colt Cowl up yourself.”
So that when you fart uncontrollably, everyone is alerted to the fact by a shocking whistling and clattering. Not to mention the agony of it…
4
Iv got a six foot broad sword . Any cunt comes through my door unexpected is going to get his/ her/ they/ them head split open.
6
GB NEWS is full of these adverts . They are pushing burglar alarms as well as ads about buying gold along with all the shite ads pushing stuff you find in a Wilco store . A lot of Welsh adverts to that are hilariously amateur.
7
The Verisure alarms one really, really gets my back up.
Especially that one with the ginger pubeface fitter, explaining about weak spots, while the husband says great and wifey looks at him like he’s the Second coming.
Or possibly the first ever, because hubby looks like he’d have a problem in that department!
7
How about that fucking woman that does the Omaaaaaze adverts. Kill her now! Kill her with anything. Now. Please.
7
A scam for sure!
0
When one is away from the house. A sign on the front door and back ,stating a warning for terms and conditions of course.
We the owners of this property run a piggery and all our meat is untraceable
7
The people marketing and selling these products are out and out cunts (I’ll bet they are on a shortlist to replace our tax dodging Asian billionaire chancellor).
Equity release. What a bag of worms that is. Worms that eat away at a lifetimes mortgage investment. I had a look at their online “calculator”, out of interest, thinking that the hook must be a big upfront payment. Nope – offered me 15% of the current value of my house in return for owing 50% of the equity. You’d have to be brain dead to even consider those terms – how come this shit ins’t illegal? I’d put money on it being down to the EU. Give the punter reams of legalese bullshit, explain some totally irrelevant key points of the product, and then proceed to arse rape your prospect with vigour secure in the knowledge that you are fully compliant with regulation.
If there was another referendum tomorrow giving the option of leaving the EU for real I’d still vote leave BTW. Would you?
As for alarm systems I remember a story in the 90’s (didn’t come up on Google – bit early for all that) about a company selling alarms with the option of “extended warranty” (at vast extra cost). They got caught out though because they were programming the alarms to fail one month after the base guarantee expired unless the extended warranty had been purchased. I’d bet it’s the same cunts pushing this shit today.
9
Indeed thay are, Mykdys.
Ring alarms “suggest” you subscribe to their on-line monitoring system, but if you don’t pay them, after the first free month, your Ring system is blocked.
3
Another comment on the subject of alarms. My house alarm fucked up when a mouse chewed through some PIR sensor wiring. I replaced this but couldn’t clear the fault in the alarms memory: “engineer code needed for this”. I had some notes from the house purchase with the contact details of the installer. He wanted £70 to come out and look at it. Fuck that. I bought a new alarm box, which came with the “engineer codes”*, and installed that instead and binned the old unit (after gutting it for spares). Cost me £30.
*The book that came with the new alarm had a very interesting footnote concerning “engineer codes”. This ran along the lines of: “if you enable the engineer code on installation, and especially if you enable the ‘maintenance reminder”, be aware that the alarm company takes no responsibility whatsoever for any dispute that arises with a customer. We further recommend that you leave this instruction book, and all the relevant codes, with the customer in the interest of goodwill”.
These alarm people are cunts, purely and simply!
8
I don’t have security, I have home insurance and a foul,misanthropic temper along with a collection of cutting,slicing,chopping and grinding items.
I await with glee.
10
I have a dog.
He’s a little shit.
But he don’t half bark.
Already alerted me to cunts trying to break into my shed.
Worth his weight in kibble!
9
A close neighbour, with my agreement, had given my name and number as the local contact and key holder if the alarm tripped while the house was unoccupied. You may be aware that it is illegal to set up a domestic alarm to ring 999. One day the monitoring company rang to tell me the alarm had been tripped and they had informed the police. As I approached the house with another neighbour, a useful ex-army guy, my phone rang again and it was the police. The copper told me without preamble that the police would not attend. Fortunately it proved to be a false alarm.
5
It’s not illegal, ADT do it. You pay a fine if it goes off.
2
Years ago when all this equity release thing started, I made enquiries to find out how much I would receive. It amounted to not much more than 30% of my home’s value. What’s the difference between that and loan sharking?
I stopped using my house alarm because the cat was setting it off when I went out. I hadn’t switched it on for years when it started ringing one night and I couldn’t stop it. it was after midnight and I had to pay someone over £100 to come out and shut the fucker off. I asked why it had happened and he said it was because the battery was dead. I thought it was the other way round, if the battery was done it wouldn’t start. Shows how much I know. Fuck that. I told him to disconnect it and it’s stayed that way ever since.
2
If anyone can come and install an alarm on the same day they must be fucking shit
2