This is the latest idea to fight crime and reoffending, a category-C “super prison” in the heart of Wellingborough, Northamptonshire, at a cost to the Taxpayer of around £253m.
What makes this different from old fashioned prisons is this:-
Offenders will be called residents and not the sigmatic “prisoner”
The Governor will be called the Director
Cells to be called rooms
Windows will have no bars
Residents will have a shower unit in their room, along with power sockets for TV, games consoles and tablet computers.
There will also be a fully-equipped gym and indoor/outdoor sports pitches, snooker tables, table tennis tables etc.
classrooms and private tuition will be offered to improve education and trade skills.
Residents can use tablets to keep in contact with friends and order food from online menus in the kitchens.
The Deputy PM is promoting this kind of prison, and said “I am interested in punishment because that is what the public expects. I am not really interested in stigmatising in a way that is counterproductive to my driving down reoffending.
“What you have heard, which I like, is giving offenders something to lose. If you come to a place like this with gyms, workshops and the ability to do skills education, you get a glimmer of the future of how your life could be.
“Then it is up to offenders to take that second chance. If they don’t do that, they lose their entitlements, their perks. That is what really matters.”
I just don’t have the energy to say anything else. I just need to lie down in a dark room and pretend this shit is nothing but a fucking dream!
Telegraph Link.
(Because Technocunt thinks we’re all smart enough and rich enough to subscribe to The Daily Telegraph – NA)
Times Link.
(Because Cassandra thinks we’re all posh enough to subscribe to The Times – NA)
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/17838890/britain-new-prison-hmp-five-wells/
(But Man of the People Night Admin provides you with a link to The Scum – NA)
Nominated by: Technocunt
Sounds nice,
I’ll book a week in july.
The missus an kids will be thrilled.
18
Good Morning MNC,
It is just down the road from me call in for a cup of tea before you book in.
11
Morning Wanksock 👍
Will do.
Kids are dead excited!!
Theyve never showered without using a hosepipe in the garden.
Missus is taking it in her stride,
Shes no stranger to prison😁
16
It would be cheaper to identify this low life trash at a young age and send them to Eton. They will come out a different type of criminal……..stealing our money straight from our taxes instead of shooting and stabbing us.
Soft on crime, soft on the causes of crime, as a well known criminal nearly said.
21
Sounds like the kind of place these ‘residents’ won’t mind coming back to. I thought the idea was to persuade them not to re-offend.
14
Showers units in the cells?
That will spoil the fun of “dropping” the soap in communial ones! 🤥
16
I spose if they play up that’s what they’ll get
4
Billy Butlin eat yer heart out!
13
So there will be “serious violent offenders” learning bike repairs and barbering. Yeah, that’s a good idea having cunts like that wandering around with screwdrivers, scissors and razors.
Absolute fucking genius.
16
This approach has been going on for thirty years. The woker it gets the higher the crime figures are. These cunts fuck up everything they touch. It’s virtually impossible to be sent to prison without twenty or thirty offences behind you. Cunts.
19
Im a keen amateur student of human behaviour,
Both civilian and criminal.
And I can safely state that the better approach to repeat offending rather than letting the dodgy little cunts play Grand theft auto with breakfast in bed,
Is to randomly shoot one with a luger and tell them they are late for a 12hr shift,
And before the sun sets more of them will be leaking on the floor.
Get the cunts working.
Hard.
14
Fucking better than the first bedsit I had as a 20 year old lad (to get some fanny basically). Had a shared shower and bog that the local tramp would come in and use once in a while and fucking stink out.
The word ‘deterent’ seems to have missed this daft cunt by.
By his logic, we should give them all a mansion, some ladies, a butler, a chauffeur driven Bentley and a few milion spends.
Murder some cunt and he’ll lock the billiard room door for a week. Oooh!
That’ll show him.
My prisons would look like the ones in ‘Life of Brian’ (“Nail ’em up I say. Nail some sense into ’em.”)
14
Fuck me, when do I move in!
Sounds better than I do living at home, wonder if it’s a mixed prison and if I also get a free weekly nosh?
9
Say you identify as a lady and they’ll put you in a women’s version.
Cunt on tap in a free hotel.
Copy this scheme nationwide and the crime figures will shoot up. They’ll then wonder why, the silky twats.
They’ll just blame whitey, I suppose (prisons are full of dark keys and peacefuls).
13
‘silly twats’
FFS
7
‘Cunt on tap’ is still the most unromantic name I’ve heard someone use (a mate from years back) for his girlfriend.
“I’ve got it sorted me. House. Car. Garden. Cunt on tap.”
9
Don’t know about ‘cunt on tap’ but I recall an Aussie one night stand asking me ‘d’ya reckon you’ll manage a slime?” Instantly flaccid. What a fucking revolting term, and she was well sexy otherwise.
5
Love to hang around and chat but I’ve got to order my lunch on my tablet. I wonder what’s on the menu today?
Oh wait a minute…….I’m not a fucking thief in fucking prison am I? Just have to get it myself and fucking pay for it.
So it’s beans on fucking toast……again!
15
Do they have a wine list?
Liberalism is a mental disorder indeed.
17
Another expensive harebrained muddle dreamt up by clueless cunts.
Criminals will usually stick with their life of crime.
Three strikes should get a minimum decade sentence.
For the proper bad eggs,rapists murderers terrorists child molesters etc hang or shoot the fucking vermin.
The political answer to everything is money and it’s a complete failure.
9
If I were Minister for Prisons, criminals would be begging for the death penalty to be brought back.
“Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Earwigs for tea? Fucking gourmet. He had us eating our own shite at gunpoint for not saying ‘Sir’ convincingly enough.” (Papillon)
“Send me back to the concentration camp.” (Prisoner 35637, Sobibor)
“I’d rather be back shitting myself chained to that fucking radiator again.”
Terry Waite
“The Viet Cong are gays when it comes to tough prisons.”
John Rambo
“I got bummed and beaten every day, but that was a piece of piss compared to HMP Cuntybollocks. I’ve seen grown men disembowel themselves on the way in. One even held his breath until he was sick and everything.”
The honky bloke in the Shawshank Redemption.
12
This soft prison will be full of white collar criminals.
Your pension theiving types, so your Maxwells.
Sex cases like Prince Andrew,
Political prisoners like Roman Abramovich.
That type.
Scum, but monied scum.
A better class of scum.
Most politicians will pass through the doors there,
And lots of footballers and celebs.
Its a good place to work if your a autograph hunter.
13
It’s more likely to be full of Africans, Kebab-eaters, and Iron Curtains. We will have to import more East Europeans for the prisoners so they can be spoken to in Dooshka and Ooga-dooga to make Pavel, Iqbal, and Dbeppe feel more relaxed.
9
“Cat C – Prisoners who cannot be trusted in open conditions but who have neither the resources nor the will to make a determined escape attempt.”
So it’s a closed prison for washed up recidivists who have lost the will to live. Sutcliffe, Shipman, etc.
11
Wheres Miles Plastic?
He said he was taking a break from the Ukraine thread,
But hes dissapeared entirely.
Hope hes not upset over the new claim about the Shroud of Urine?
Some bloke saying rather than being the burial shroud of Jesus,
It was made in Burton on Trent!!
😁
6
He often goes a few days without posting. Enjoy it while it lasts. 😁
8
The Shroud of Burton on Trent doesn’t have the same ring to it.
4
Will they be selling postcards in the “prison” reception?
“Having a lovely time – wish you were here”.
9
ROTL Released on temporary leave. I could tell some stories there. ROTL is how a Prison in financed, and is effectively a trading arm of some very unsavoury people.. (Accomodation ? A far cry from where we started,( and should still be IMO )
5
Am I the cunt for going to work for the last 30 years with 20 more to come? Work hard and get shafted is the name of the game in this country. A fucking cash cue to be milked to pay for the bone idle, feckless and dregs of society.
12
Cow not cue. Fucks sake.
8
I think this is for first time “residents”, if you reoffend at all, you won’t get a pint of “foaming nut brown ale” on arrival, and they take away your Xbox, I hope they make Unkle Terry the “director” of this holiday camp for cunts!!!!
16
Cheaper to gas the cunts aye Cap’n.
5
Different floor plan then…
Gate
‘Showers’
Oven
2
There is a category C prison like this not far from where I live. The conditions are apparently not as luxurious. There are significant problems with violence and drugs. An escape took place a few years back and a prison officer was seriously injured with a piece of sharp glass used by the inmates. So prisoners in these institutions are not all peaceful white collar types but violent gits.
This prison also operates a programme to allow inmates/ “guests” to learn how to roast coffee and develop skills in producing ground coffee. The scheme is called Redemption Roasters.
Watch out for shards of glass in your coffee the next time you go to Starbucks.
10
I have a Starbucks round the corner and I wouldn’t be found dead in there. Or, rather, dead is the only way I’d be found in there.
6
Do they teach spit-roasting too? using the guards and other inmates?
0
A lot of ISAC readers probably don’t know that lovely Lisa Nandy is a keen prison visitor. Let’s take a trip to the luxury Therapy Room and see what Lisa has to offer the guests:
https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5e779479bb39e
7
You sure that’s Lisa ?
3
Certainly the same build – but you’d get more bounce to the ounce with Lisa. This could be her understudy. Be grateful it’s not August – Emily Thornberry takes over for the summer month.
5
The lease searched name in Pornhub – Emily Thornberry. Even Flabbot gets more clicks, if you search under beached whale.
4
Least not lease.
Will someone please cunt corrective text ?
2
She can visit my cell anytime she likes….
2
Is there a kindergarten to keep the pissfuls happy?
12
Tough on crime? Well, machine gunning the blighters would cut down on reoffending 100%! As would having JTC and Unkle Terry as “Ministers for Justice” in my new dictato, er, I mean, “my benevolent and kind now Government” – sterling fellows with the right attitude! 😀👍☠
Joking aside for a moment, 75% of prisoners are either drunks, drug addicts or mentally ill – having services to break this cycle BEFORE they hit the “one size fits all” prison system we have might be a useful idea.
I believe in harsh prison sentences for violent and sex offender prisoners – the lesson needs to be learned the unpleasant way – but the amount of people who spend their time bouncing in and out of prison shows it just ain’t working, and making prisons like four star hotels is hardly going to prove a deterrent.
I do not think there is any “Government/Civil Service” area which actually works and does the job it is supposed to – a pretty appalling waste of taxpayers money.
10
I just read the Telegraph article. They have a hair dressing salon there.
One style only – skinhead.
4
No blow waves or bubble perms?
5
Save money then by guillotine.
7
I know what sort of showers should be installed in prisons …!
5
Cold? Golden? Rainbow? Baby? Ahhhh, wait.
1
Nonce wings up and down the land already have this and more.
1
Fucking better than the accommodation at camber sands pontins.
3
Haha you ain’t wrong. My partner and I rented one of those static caravans in the park next door. On about the fourth day and bored shitless, we drove into Pontins (I remember it being Butlins, but I’m a cunt). It’s got a ring round around the grounds. After our lap, I realised that the place looked like an open nick, only dirtier with feral gypo kids running around it. Grim.
0
We do need a prison for our white collar crims. I hope they get days out on the golf course for good behaviour. No visit to the clubhouse though.
0
Blimey that looks alright. Having once seen the inside of “Sun City” prison in Johannesburg, I can think of a better deterrent than this holiday camp.
I fucking shat myself and I was on the right side of the bars with about 8 “Correctional Officers”
0