Corporate Lanyards (the wearing of outside work)

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Corporate lanyards and the cunts who wear them outside of work.

My beef isn’t with corporate lanyards per se, or indeed the wearing of them, more the cunts who wear them when visiting the pub after work, as if they’ve just got home from a Jim’ll fix it show.

There’s a couple of cunts ( bloke and his missus) who work at the same large company. They visit the pub after work wearing the same corporate workwear, that’s bad enough, but they both seem to delight in wearing their lanyards too. I’ve never understood this cuntery. I have an ID lanyard with DBS status. I wear it when required to. When I’ve left, I put it in my glove box. I can only assume that anyone who wears one outside of work is trying to say something about themselves ( cunts) “ look at me, I work for …….” .

Maybe they have forgotten their name. Maybe they think it looks cool. I think you can all guess what I think.

(Plus cunts who wear their ski jackets down the pub complete with attached lift pass from their last Alpine adventure. So you went skiing, huh? Well done. – NA)

Nominated by: Cuntington Smythe

73 thoughts on “Corporate Lanyards (the wearing of outside work)”

  1. This make me think of those pricks who have their initials embroidered on their shirts. There are everywhere in the financial industry from useless traders squandering investors´ money to the investment banking types who think they are the masters of the universe. What´s the point of having your initials on your chest? Is it to remind you who you are? Or is a souvenir of public school days when your initials were embroidered on your pyjama bottoms so the prefect knew he was porking Jones minor and not Jones?

    • It’s a bit like “Do you know who I am?”
      “Why, have you forgotten?”

    • No it’s just if you have a shirt made in the Far East they either initial your pocket or cuff, brilliant quality shirts for the same as from M&S, I still wear one to funerals that’s over 30 years old.

  2. I’m so fucking important I’m allowed access to a really fucking important building…….and you’re not, you cunt!
    That’s what they’re saying. Round my way they’re saying……look I’ve got a fucking job!

  3. They’re just showing off.
    It reminds me of when mobile phones first started to appear. If you ever went on a train, some cunt next to you would just have to ring the office with their new toy, and they always came out with the same crap: ‘I’m on the train. If you need to contact me you can get me on my mobile phone!’. Spoken so loud that everyone in the carriage would know that this cunt has a mobile phone, and so was A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON.
    In my experience, none of them ever got a call back from work, so they can’t have been that important.

    • Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. They also used to sit at the bar, get the phone out of their pocket and place it on the bar as if they are expecting a VERY IMPORTANT call at any minute, because they are a VERY IMPORTANT person.
      It was a laugh when some clumsy cunt spilt beer all over it……that’s three hundred quid down the shitter. 😩

      • Yes we had one in our pub, always going out the back for a non call. Onee of the lads dropped it in his pint. He was going to get his Hells Angel mates to trash the pub, no mates really, cunt.

      • And the rest. I worked for Peoples Phone back in 1995 before being bought out by Vodafone in 1998 and those Motorola 8800’s were about £1500 brand new. While walking around Covent Garden this bloke was shouting loudly down the phone talking to someone when his phone actually rang. Fuck me we took the piss out of him. Happy days when you could actually shout “ your a cunt “ in the streets.

    • It was even funnier when the phone actually rang, when the twat was pretending to phone out.

    • We had one of these cunts in the pub I worked in during the early 90’s.

      The old ‘brick’ phone out on the bar in ‘his’ corner. With the Porsche key always stuck out prominent from his door and ‘business’ keys.

      Turns out the prick was actually a hairdresser with a wanky Nicky Clarke hairstyle.

      He would leave the Porsche blocking the entrance to the car park, so we couldn’t lock up until he decided to move the car. Every. Fucking. Night.

      One evening we just stuck his keys and phone under the bar for a bit of a laugh.

      There was hairspray, tears and hissy fits all over the place.

      Fucking beautiful.

    • I heard of one twat on a train pulling that routine – “Yes, I’m on the train…what? No if it’s less than three million I’m not interested. Tell him to make the deal or I’ll fire the lot of you by lunchtime!”
      Then as he put his phone in his pocket he dropped it – another passenger picked it up and said “Oops, you dropped your calculator.”

      • I heard a similar story back in those days, possibly made up but I’ll tell it anyway. It starts the same. A cunt talking loudly on his phone in a train. Between his ‘calls’ a passenger in the same carriage has a medical emergency. Another passenger asks the cunt if he can make an emergency call with his phone. Cuny gas to admit that it’s just a toy.

  4. Love this nom! The reason lanyards have safety break-aways is so we can’t choke the shit out of these cunts with them.

    Oh so you work at a call center? Learn English you cunt!

    Make your own that says you work for Apple and get me some millennial pussy

  5. Im always impressed by corporate lanyards and assume the wearer is a important person,
    Much more important than me!

    Even though they have just gotten off a bus and wearing a shirt from primark.

    Nothing says sucess like a lanyard.
    Although a choking hazard.
    Just saying…

    • Perhaps a Greggs lanyard would enhance social standing in certain areas-as discussed on a recent IsAC thread?
      In the North East, you would be literally drowning in flange 🤔

      • I can confirm this is the case, CG.
        I made my own Greggs lanyard recently, and now I get more brush than I can handle.

      • Just to reassure fellow cunters that I am not a location snob, my Maternal Grandfather was born in Newcastle and the most amazing set of tits I have ever had the “pleasure of”, belonged to a lass from Washington Tyne & Weir.

        I am not sure which of the above “bona fides” would garner the most respect from a Geordie🤔

    • Mnc@ – in my time of working for organisations where it was mandatory to wear a lanyard (couldn’t get in and out of secure areas without one) the first thing I would do when I left the site was take the thing off.
      And, odd and slightly paranoid as it sounds, I did not feel like displaying a plastic card on a leash for every fucker on the train etc to know my name and details.
      Not because I am weird (simmer down at the back – I’ve made a note of ALL your names!) but I just have a peculiarly British attitude of privacy.
      But nothing shows you are dealing with someone REALLY important more than a plastic lanyard..

  6. Don’t worry, come the completion of “The Great Reset”, I.D badges and lanyards will be consigned to history.
    The Elon Musk designed digital implant will hold all the relevant information that the New Wirld Order deem necessary.

    I shall request the x-1487/3.2 upgrade with enhanced “Cunt Detector”, so I can enjoy my annual alcohol free, winter fest/ Kwaanza social gathering, in relative peace.

    Chiggun🤔

  7. Have to admit I’ve done it before, but only if I’ve forgotten or been in the boozer after work and the pass is a bit clunky and uncomfortable to put in my trouser pocket.

    Not much room in there, got a fucking armadillo in me kegs. Add a phone and a wallet and it can’t be done.

    But yes, most of the time no need for it if they’re with the missus who can put it I her handbag (a lot of blokes have manbags now…now they could do with cunting) or if they’ve got a jacket on and can put it in the pocket.

    Mind you, I do get admiring glances with my ‘CEO Greta Thunberg Sex Dolls Corporation’ lanyard.

    • Do these dolls have real hair and are they machine washable?
      Asking for a “friend”😂

      • They’re top of the range, made by per verted Japanese boffins.

        They’re not machine washable and we don’t take ‘used’ (messy) returns.

        She shouts ‘How dare you!’ when you get your cock out and ‘You stole my virginity!’ when you spit you man fat in her. If you say ‘My bellend is carbon neutral’ she goes down on you, but be careful she doesn’t spac out and lock her jaw around your tackle.

        Yes, that’s how realistic they are.

        Soon to be advertised on TV and promoted by Sir David Attenborough and then Prince Andrew, with the tag line being “At least she won’t take me mum for £8 million. Phwooar I love a mong me!”

        Only £12,000 each (you can buy the twin pack for £20,000).

        I take cash only and do not guarantee delivery of goods, due to the war in Ukraine and BLM oppression or some shite.

    • Afternoon CB, you naughty man…putting an armadillo down your underwear is a very peculiar* paraphilia. It would be very amusing if, during the armadillo’s tenure in your pantaloons, the creature was voiced by Johhny Morris.

      * not that peculiar, I once put a pangolin down mine.

  8. I doubt that people working for Russia Today, Durex or Color Climax wear their corporate lanyards after work.

  9. I’ve also wanted to see some cunt get mangled up in a meat mincer wearing one of those.

    I used to work in a corporate place, where we had to wear these things like corporate dog tags. For some unknown reason it made some cunts feel like they were special. What was particularly piss boiling was watching the hipster designer types (you know the ones, fuck off beard, lumberjack shirt and skinny jeans with roll ups) walking up to the security gate, having just picked up his soy boy, cum topped latte and gluten free croissant during LGBT Friday and bend over to dangle his said tag over the senor to open the door.

    Wish I’d had the balls to push the cunts over or rush through the gates, grab the tag and drag the cunt through smash into the barriers.

    • Jesus-just from your description of the cunt, my fists are clenching in anticipation of punching the fucker!

      • Unfortunately there was usually more one, mostly accompanied by some dirty unwashed goth type hoe with piercings everywhere and the type you don’t take home to mother.

  10. I was once told when I worked at HSBC by a twat manager, that I needed to wear my lanyard pass and name badge in the office. Bearing in mind, I’d already worked in the office for 15 years, the said manager had known me for 15 years and we weren’t even open to the public. Utter cuntitude, a great day when I left that fucking place.

    • I had one of those cunt managers, Bob, who not only insisted everyone wore theirs in the office, but also said we had to ” challenge” anyone wandering around without one.
      Well, I was the original 9 stone weakling, so no fucking way was I challenging someone who looked like Viking Berserker.
      Imagine my absolute delight when aforementioned cunt turned up at work one morning, having forgotten his pass!
      I called Security, who were actual Berserkers. Such fun!

      • 😂😂😂 Nice one Jeezum! Hope they gave him a boot in the bollocks for good measure.

      • I also worked in a well known supermarket when I was younger and me and a few mates used to swap name badges around and then go round the shop goofing around cunting the customers off. I would drop fish heads in peoples baskets or other random unexpected items and then watch their faces in absolute puzzlement when they got to the tills.

        Can you imagine the fun we had when Bill was pulled up for being rude to a customer but in actual fact Bill was not working that day.

        What a cunt I was.

      • Fish heads?

        As a young lad I preferred “Hide the sausage”.
        😀👍

  11. If your job requires a lanyard perhaps you should also be issued with a badge like American police officers?

    Flashes badge “let me through im a low level manager in a call centre”

    You can never have enough visible identification in case someone confuses you as a nobody.

    Your out of line Callaghan!!!

    • I like that idea, MNC, but the cunts would probably come in to work at 5am, to avoid the humiliation.
      Managers, I’ve shit better ones.
      Admin support runs the office, evidenced when the entire management fucked off for a corporate jolly in Scotland, and left me in charge. The fools. I had a riot.

      • I temporarily promoted 6 absolute clueless twats, told everyone else that if they got a cunt phoning, they could be rude back, & anyone who wanted to speak to a “manager” got me.
        I don’t take prisoners, not then, now or in future.

  12. I work for the Civil Union of National Trades so we don’t have a badge/lanyard.

  13. I had one for the 6 months or so I worked for HMRC. Always made sure it was in my pocket as soon as I’d gone through exit turnstile. A matter of personal safety, really…

    • This is what I was thinking as I read all the posts above HBH. When I was working I had security clearance as I often visited government secure sites. When you left site there were posters reminding you now to remove your pass and hide it. If you forgot to do so when you arrived at the gate in your car an MOD police officer would point at your lanyard and say “Take it off.” or something more terse. What this proves I think, is that the twats who wear a lanyard outside work are in fact quite unimportant.

  14. Do Admin’s have an ISAC lanyard? And do they wear it after work? Just asking.

    We do not! Security is pretty tight to enter Admin Mansions. Retinal scan, DNA screen, secret password and a 6 pack of beer. We often bring a soft toy or bag of nuts for Day Admin. It seems to cheer him up. Bless. – NA.

    • Much in the same way that I never wore a mask in a supermarket during the height of chınkyflu and hoping to get into an argument with some self-important prick, I’d happily wear an “I am a Cunt” lanyard; there’s potential for great merriment!

  15. I had to keep that fucking uncomfortable peice of plastic inside my boot, as being the only cunt that would ever clean the furnaces it kept warping and cease functioning. It was the only way to stop the officious tin Jesus cunts in HR to stop whining about having to do 2 minutes work to replace it.

  16. I always refused to wear one of those – even when the cunt employer tried to make them mandatory. There are limits and that’s one of them!

    As for wearing the things outside of work that’s the true mark of a libtard cunt IMO

  17. Great nom, BTW, Cunting ton, with a highly entertaining PS from NA.
    I’d quite forgotten about the ski jacket brigade!

  18. Diane Abbott was reportedly seen at a HSBC cash machine in Brighton trying to use her ID badge during the Labour Party conference last year.

    • Dianne made her own Labour party ID lanyard using a cut-up box of 1980’s PG Tips. She got the idea from David Lammy, who used the label from a jar of Robertson’s marmalade.

      • I bet they are popular with cunts from the BBC too just so they can flaunt their preferred pronouns on a bit of plastic.

        unemployed / unemployable / influencer will be most of them in a few years hopefully.

      • Ho ho, I wonder if the beeb employs even one person who is not a wimminz or a darkıe or a commie or a green twat or a bender or some sort of worthless degenerate?!

      • Ha, nice one, MNC!
        I’d forgotten about that horizontally nictating freak!

      • I wonder if Chris Whitty had to take his tortoise shell off for his photo?

      • He peaked in that documentary “Creature Comforts”, with his mark knopfler headband🤔

      • Re: your post at 5:42pm TTCE. I have worked for the BBC in the past. As a straight, white, male petrol-head I thought I was an exception to your list. Then I arrived at “worthless degenerate”….

  19. Had to wear one in finance and for HM Gov.
    I took those off REAL fkin quick!

  20. Where I last worked, management had to wear them, but anyone who didn’t live in an office and actually worked across the site, didn’t. Go figure. We knew who the cunts were with or without a tag, anyway.

    Long ago when in HM Forces, my job required me to wear a film badge which recorded my radiation exposure (some of the kit was mildly radioactive or emitted X-rays). And oh what fun my oppos had stealing my badge and storing it near something radioactive so that the next time it was checked I would be withdrawn from my normal duties until I stopped glowing in the dark. Great times.

  21. Dangling from the lanyard is often a photo of the wearer. At our place it also incorporates the strip to open security doors. So you have to stoop down to open the door. Then they came out with the ultimate : a hook within the pass so that the owner didn’t have to touch the filthy germ ridden death giving covid door handles during the height of hysteria.
    Couldn’t wait to hide the bloody thing as soon as I left work in the evening.

  22. Top cunting and one I’ve come close to writing up myself but have definitely referenced in previous cuntings about the Public Sector.

    If I recall correctly I used the image of my ex brother-in-law to stir up my anger against the entire public sector.

    Overweight through expensive indulgence, brought about by his massive salary and expenses package his Lanyard was as present as his flabby jowls, even on a Sunday afternoon.

    Cunt.

    Perhaps the corporate types do like to show them off but cunts that work for the council or the wider public sector seem to me to be the ones who delight in showing them off in public and like everyone else on ISAC can only assume they think it makes them look important.

  23. I have to go into the Office for the first time in 2 years tomorrow. Fuck knows where mine is…..

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