Avocado

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(Looked up an avocado meme for the header pic, and found this – an avocado-green crop top – Day Admin)

The missus recently spotted a newish café bistro place which claimed to offer an extensive range of gluten free options, so we decided to try it out for lunch today.

Having been shown to our seats, our ‘waitperson’ brought the menu, and the wife quickly decided to go for a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with ‘fries’ (yes, I know!). As soon as she said that, I decided I fancied that too, so I gave our order without bothering to glance at the menu.

Shortly after our ‘waitperson’ returned, carrying two toasted sandwiches utterly brimming with crispy bacon and salad. Mouth watering, I hastily took a bite, to be bemused by the rather strange and unpleasant taste. Seeing my look, the missus asked what was up, and lifting the toast off, I found that it was covered by what at first glance appeared to be a paste-like green mould.

‘It’s avocado’, says she. ‘No shit Sherlock’ says I. ‘It’s bastard horrible’. I suppose it was my own fault for not checking the menu, but for fuck’s sake, what cunt came up with the idea of putting avocado on a blt?. Anyway, I was able to scrape off most of this guck and finished my sandwich with some enjoyment. ‘Ah’ said our ‘waitperson’ when she returned to the table. ‘You don’t go for avocado then’.

‘Don’t go for it’ is a polite way of putting it. Who in their right mind would knowingly eat something that looks and tastes like soap and hope to enjoy the experience? Cunts in Hampstead at their ‘buffet dinner parties’ perhaps. I wouldn’t eat this slimy shit if they gave it away for free. Yuk!

Nominated by: Ron Knee

109 thoughts on “Avocado”

  2. I’ve only tried one spoonful of the vile fruit in my life, and that was one too many.
    It comes straight from Satan’s arse.

  3. Smashed avocado is all the rage Ron you philistine! All the rage among millennial fuckwits despite claiming to be eco conscious it actually takes a shit load of water to farm mostly in drought hit regions plus all the food miles they have to travel.

  4. Spot on Ron. Mrs Everyonesacunt eats the things and like you cannot fathom why. Good description of the taste. Soap 🧼 yuk. Maybe it’s just a woman thing. Admin great choice of header.

    • Not just soap, but the bar of soap that sits in that little pool of water at the end of the bath and gets softer every day.

  5. The cvnts who came up with putting Avocado in a ABLT must be the same cunts who thought to put Pineapple on Pizza, and who think Hash fucking Browns should be part of a full english breakfast. Though, its probably safe to assume that they think Avocado in a BLT is a good way to ‘encourage’ us to eat healthier, or to put it another way: to FORCE us all to become vegetarians/vegans. I see this a lot in sandwiches, as they’ve started replacing cheese with that dairy free shit. BLTs will disappear soon as they’ll start using that fake Bacon.

    • I know it’s not veggie but I would like that turkey bacon if it didn’t taste like it was 94% salt. I like avocado, as long as it comes with a bucket of prawns and my home made seafood sauce.

      • Agreed. As above, prawns and seafood sauce, is the only time it has any flavour. I haven’t bought an avocado for decades. They are the annoyin-as-feck sort of things that are rock-hard and unripe for day after day, then miraculously mouldy. Satan’s haemorrhoids indeed.

    • It’s simply impossible to create an authentic full-English here in the states. The bacon is wrong (I don’t know what they do with all the back bacon cuts, baby back ribs I guess – which are tasty, just not on my breakfast), the sausages are wrong, the baked beans are wrong (though I can source Heinz BB from a store that caters to limeys), they do have mushrooms I’ll grant you, the sliced bread has too much sugar in and tastes like cake, but the death knell of a stateside full English is the impossibility of finding proper black pudding. Some of the dooshka immigrant delis do a form of blood sausage but that too is wrong.

      First thing I used to do on my return to Blighty was order a full English. But even in Blighty that’s getting harder to find.

      And don’t even get me started on what’s become of the ‘mixed grill’ – not a piece of offal in sight. They’ll putting avocado on it next. Cunts.

      Oh, and that turkey bacon shit is everywhere, turkey jerky too. I suppose this is unsurprising given the dumb critters are native to here but the only turkey I’m interested in consuming is Wild Turkey 100 proof.

      • Know what you mean about the bacon in the States BH. Never ate good stuff anywhere. Found some wonderful sausages in Galveston tho.
        Strangely absolutely THE best bacon I’ve ever eaten was in Gran Canaria. Couldn’t get enough of it. With bread fresh from the local bakery each morning, it made a bacon sandwich to die for.

  6. Hard to know when they’re ready to eat. Yes, yes squeeze them and if a bit soft they’re ready, they say

    Bollocks. Some of them aren’t ready and some have gone bad when you follow this. Get it wrong and you need to bin them.

    I eat them for health reasons (pretty tasteless but very good for you). But fuck me, they’re not cheap and you throw a few away due to guessing if they’re ready or not.

    • As a diabetic they’re good for me. I mostly get the timing about right although there have been occasions when they had the ripe consistency of a brick. Still are them though, considering the cost.

    • Living in the US they’re everywhere, in everything, but substantially cheaper than in Britain because they clock up a few thousand fewer air miles on their way from Latin America. Either that or maybe Brandon’s southern border guests bring them with them?

      Anyway, I also eat them for health reasons and have acquired a bit of a taste for them to be honest. But you are right, they have about a 30 minute window between being as hard as a cannonball and brown sludge. It makes buying the cunts a lottery.

      Given the amount of food waste that results these things are environmentally unfriendly on the supply and disposal side.

  7. The problem is that the avocados we get are shite.

    The brown knobbly ones are picked too soon and generally taste bitter. That’s if you manage to get to them in that 20 second window between them being rock hard and going off.

    The smooth green skinned ones are the best, but again, usually picked too soon to get them on the shelves.

    Where Mrs Odin comes from, they grow avocados all over the island and don’t pick them until around Christmas time.
    These things are huge (about the size of your head) and one fruit is like a meal on its own.

    Much like the Carlsberg you get in Denmark and the Grolsch you get in Holland bearing no resemblance to the piss we get served here.

  8. Avocados were all the rage – in 1973. As were avocado green bathrooms.

    I don’t mind avocado. The problem is getting it them to stay ripe. The ones my wife buys turn to brown mush unless eaten within 3 minutes of purchase.

  9. I wouldn’t be seen dead in a cafe/bistro that served avocado.

    I also wouldn’t be seen dead eating a “BLT”…bacon…excellent,tomatoes… as long as they’re tinned…but who the fuck wants lettuce in a bacon sarnie?…Brown sauce is all I have, It’s just another of those silly American things that people think are “cool”.

    Fuck lettuce and fuck avocado….if I can’t fuck like a rabbit,I’m certainly not going to eat like one.

  10. They do taste of soap!
    Theyre a ‘superfood’ apparently?
    Good for you.

    Strangely I quite like avacado,
    But dont like the fact to be broadcast.
    Id deny it in public.

    Theres one that tastes of Lifebouy and one that tastes of imperial leather ,
    You can scrub your armpits and balls in the bath with them
    Then have a healthy snack.

    • Avocado green Miserable?. For the house I mean. A new paint job. Once you get sick of the Country Cream.
      You could get all the neighbours on board. The whole street covered in a bright avocado green. I am sure the house prices would rocket.

      • Mmm sure they would Miles.
        No ill stick with the cream thanks.
        You like advocado Miles?

        It cures leprosy apparently.
        And John the Baptist used them to wax his legs.
        Scholars think it could be the original apple of sin from the garden of Eden!

      • No. Looks sickly Miserable. I dont like any of those fruits you have to ‘gouge’ out.

    • Mnc@ – I like to go reduced aisle shopping – anything round here that looks remotely reminiscent of fruit and veg stays on the shelf, sad and wilting.
      So I snaffle them up at 5P a go! – gorgeous with a few bits mixed into them and full of calories and vitamins!
      However, if Fiddler finds out he may become concerned we are turning into “fruity gentlemen” with these rare and exotic tastes so the avocado is best wrapped round bacon and black pudding to be on the safe side!

    • Be wary of guacamole.
      Mexican stuff,
      It looks just like mushy peas!!
      But its advocado smashed up.
      They sell it in mexican restaurants and joke shops.

  12. I remember as a kid in the 1980’s an ad campaign calling the nasty green fruit “nature’s butter” and a healthy alternative to the real thing. Bollocks, which coincidentally is where the name comes from, the Aztecs calling them that because of their appearance and taste so I’m told.

  13. This muck is on my list of hated food that begin with the letter A

    Avocado
    Aubergine
    Anchovies
    Artichokes
    Asparagus
    Apricot

    Disgusting shit

  14. Bloody hell, Bacon Lettuce Tomato & Avocado? I detect a hint of gayness there. Fucking awful shite. Sorry Ron I couldn’t resist that bon mot.
    If it has bacon in it only brown sauce egg or sausage is consumed, fuck what the food critics say.

  17. Gay fruit, for gay gents.
    And those in denial.
    Ditto pineapple.
    Don’t get me started on banana’s.
    Apples and pears.
    Fruit for men. 😀

  19. I like it but I scarcely buy it nowadays. Too expensive and too difficult to keep ripe. I’d rather have a couple bunches of bananas for the same price.

  20. I dont know whats worse: Avocado in a BLT, or mayonnaise in almost every sandwich you buy! What happened to english favourite Egg and Salad Cream? Fucking egg and mayo now, yuck.

  21. Avocado has now got a reputation as overpriced food for Vegan-Shoreditch types. Tbh, its alright mashed up with salt, in say, a grilled chicken and avocado baguette; but as another commenter said, its hit and miss if they’re ripe, hard as nails or stringy. I don’t bother with them much for those reasons, plus every fucker in the shop has done the squeeze test on them before buying them. I don’t think they’re grown here so is a thing with thousands of air miles; something the Vegan-Shoreditch types overlook whilst protesting about climate change in the middle of major roads or more likely on Twatter.

    Digressing, most fruit and veg in the shops here have as much flavour as a cardboard box. Whenever I grow veg it tastes amazing; that’s not because I’m Percy Thrower, I’m just pointing out this modern mystery.

    • The point about taste is a good one.
      We grow loads of tomatoes in our greenhouse, and strawberries and raspberries, spuds, beans and peas outside.
      They all taste miles better than anything shop bought. The only trouble is you get a ton of stuff all at once. I’ve tried growing different varieties which in theory crop at different times, but in reality it seems to make bugger all difference.

      • Have you tried staggering the sowings Ron? Give it a fortnight between plantings and Bob’s your uncle. Have you tried freshly dug Carrots? The smell when you lift those bad boys. Heaven

      • I looked at bottling tomatoes for passata and whilst its a nice idea, I wondered if I would end up with expensive bottled mould. Never managed to store potatoes successfully. I guess you can freeze berries for smoothies and frozen peas are alright.

      • Any tips on growing carrots Mort?
        We can grow all sorts of stuff, even melons in the greenhouse, but carrots, nah. No idea what I’m doing wrong.

      • You need to rotate your crops.
        As a very rough guide:

        Incorporate masses of organic matter into a bed.

        Grow marrows, squashes, courgette’s on it Year 1

        Potatoes Year two

        Carrots & onions (together to help combat carrot/onion fly)
        Beans / peas year 3

        Salad crops Year 4

        Good for the ground, disease mitigation etc 👍

        As stated-a very rough guide.

        Your soil type, topography, light availability etc are massive factors too.

      • RK@ – plant them 2 weeks apart, it spreads out the maturing time so they don’t all crop at once, and the reason home grown tastes better is because tomatoes, lettuces etc generally come from Iran (Iran is a huge fruit and veg producer), transported in temperature controlled lightless lorries filled with CO2 so they can be moved across continents slowly ripening in completely unnatural conditions – so they taste like watery sh*t which starts to go off the minute it leaves the supermarket shelf.
        We import stuff we could easily and cheaply grow here as we pay farmers to keep land idle – madness.

    • Yes indeed, a green and pleasant land, endowed with more fresh rainwater than just about anywhere so where do we get our lettuce from? A fucking middle eastern desert.

      May I suggest piss on the soil too for the nitrates.

  22. A BLT is nothing more than a trendy waste of bacon.
    White sliced bread.
    Smoked bacon, back or streaky.
    That’s it. No vinegar diarrhea, no red splodge and FFS no salad.
    Heathens, and on the Lords day too,cunting sacrilege.

    • What I don’t get is why they put mayonnaise in it. What’s wrong with traditional brown sauce or ketchup?

  23. I went into a sandwich shop where they make you a sandwich to your specifications. Not subway, this was a real sandwich, sliced bread. I asked for egg and salad cream, and the cunt behind the counter said ‘do you mean egg and mayo?’ NO, I dont mean egg mayo you thick twat, or I’d ask for it. I calmly explained, ‘no, egg and salad cream, a classic english favourite’. Dont know what annoyed him more, not wanting mayo or using the word ENGLISH. Thats swearing these days.

  24. A BLT’s a bit of an odd one.
    It strikes me as an unusual combination for a sandwich in theory, but to me it works brilliantly.
    I first tried one years ago in the States on the recommendation of a couple we’d met, with a bit of Dijon mustard, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

    Morning all.

    • Morning Ron.

      A BLT is a fine combo but our American cousins love to experiment, I seem to remember syrup on the bacon for breakfast was on offer when I went there.

      • Yep when we used to visit my daughter and son-in-law in Texas, I recall pancakes, bacon and maple syrup was a standard option if you went out to a diner for breakfast. Never tried it, but I remember seeing the size of the portions on offer.Bloody gigantic.

    • Ron, I plant Marigolds between rows of Carrots, It’s a matter of luck how they do. Don’t manure them or they will fang. Nice fine tilth sow them in that.

  25. I like it very much and it’s very healthy for you.

    Forget all the silly talk about it being the food of posh idiots and try it.

    Certainly a million times better for you than greasy fish n chips and lardy minging “carvereys” ewwwwww

  26. In defence of the avocado, check out beirut.com & the Lebanese Smoothie! Not a fan of the green stuff myself, but an interesting read anyway. Avocado Cheesecake is to die for (apparently) It’s classed as a fruit, & it’s good for the fanny too!

  30. Don’t know why avocado’s become so trendy among the Islington/vegan set lately. It used to be a pricey luxury (I had my first avocado at the Grosvenor Grill as a child – you wouldn’t have found one in a greengrocer’s then) but it’s just another vegetable now. Think the adulterated bacon butty is just another instance of desperate innovation – be glad it didn’t contain anchovies and cranberry jam as well. Invoke the Trades Descriptions Act, I would.

    I sometimes buy one, fill the stone cavity with Co-op French dressing, maybe a light sprinkle of salt, and it’s a pleasant enough starter. Prefer sprouts, though.

    • Yes, cranberries used to be sauce at Christmas…. I think a lot of it is using up “commercial leftovers.”

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