Paper Straws

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Paper straws. What is the actual point of these monstrosities?

Supposedly it’s to protect the environment, but the fact they get soggy quickly means most of us end up having to use two. Which means even more trees being cut down.

They’re just another another example of an Idea pushed through by the woke brigade which sounds good on paper (pun very much intended), but which in practice does more harm than good.

Nominated by: OpinionatedCunt

85 thoughts on “Paper Straws”

  1. No man uses a straw. They’re for women and children.

    Make them out of glass I say. Those could be recycled and would occasionally help trim the gene pool of rētarded malfunctions.

  2. Did you know you can buy metal ones, they come in packs of 10 ( why?, surely you only need one) with a teeny tiny bottle brush thing, to clean the inside?
    I nearly died laughing, when I saw them.

      • Get a grip, MNC, straws, metal straws!
        Although I’m not sure they should be called straws, to my mind they’re paper, and get soggy really quickly, not plastic, metal or glass.

      • I knew a pig once built his house out of them.
        Straws not midgets.
        Thought they were a eco viable building material.

        Wolf blew it down, ate him .

        Pigs don’t know shit about building affordable green housing.

      • Should have built it out of midgets, could have escaped to safety while the wolf was otherwise occupied.

      • Brilliant!
        You win today’s ” I made the Old Jewish Cunt” laugh out loud award.
        It’s a small badge.

      • Oh thank you.
        I’m certainly rediscovering my largely mis spent youth here, of a lately.

  3. I remember these from my childhood. Dad used to take my brother an me to play on a local putting green. We always had a bottle of pop, I favoured dandelion and burdock, with a paper straw. The pop lasted ages due to the fact the end of the straw always collapsed and it was nigh on impossible to suck through. You had to manipulate it into a viable tube all the time, eventually the sloppy end (mouth) needed cutting off so you ended up with a viable tube again. Great fun, happy memories. RIP dad.

      • Well, yes, but give the neck of the bottle a quick wipe with your sleeve first.
        It pays to be hygienic!

    • Bertram@
      Try Fentimans Dandelion & burdock 👍
      The best you can get.
      Have a bottle and toast your dad👍

      • You truly are a miserable northern cunt. I believe the last time I drunk dandelion and burdock was around 1982 at my grans house. It was delivered weekly in a glass bottle and tasted awful. Good Times.

  4. I can buy fillament light bulbs, plastic straws , drugs and a host of other things that are illegal. No sane person takes any notice of this madness. The laws spewing out of our absurd Parliament, like diarreah
    should all be ignored.

    • Bit difficult to ignore the trots, Smug, when your undercrackers are glued to your arse and you’re 30 minutes away from home.

      • Oh, top tip.
        Never, ever use a menthol impregnated tissue to wipe your arse when free shitting. Used Dock leaves, shake the slugs and spiders off first.

      • Bloody hell. Dock leaves? Are they even kosher?

        Sphagnum moss, or a live goose for preference.

      • Dock leafs are definitely kosher, everything’s kosher, if I say it is.
        Did I say I was practicing?
        Pass me the toast, with the pork dripping!
        Delightful!
        My girls are heathens, so is my grand daughter.

  5. Bottle of Vimto and a straw, keep MNC happy sitting in his old white van 👍

    I blame the yanks, milkshakes and sodas , cunts!

    • Andy Burnham can only eat or drink through a straw due to a cleft palate.
      His are made of gold what with being a socialist.

    • I thank you, if I hadn’t already awarded the MAOJCL to MNC, you’d have got it. Don’t be disappointed, though, it’s just a small, enamelled badge bearing the legend ” monitor” bought from a charity shop.

      • I have another one, that says ” Perfect”
        I think it was supposed to say ” Prefect”.
        Who gives a damn, I wear it every day, because I am.

  7. Straws are for Laydees so they don’t smudge their lipstick and for fat Reg so he can inflate the boys he smuggles in his partners suitcases when they arrive (allegedly 😀)
    No Male should be using straws – it could lead to the purchase of Mr Kiplings French Fancies and a whimsical desire for soft furnishings!
    I hope young Fiddler is monitoring this situation in case of a sudden outbreak of “fruity Gentlemen”!
    A solution in search of a problem.

    • In defence of straws, they are pretty much essential when quaffing frozen margaritas. Had one last night in fact. Proper Tex Mex grub washed down with a large Sangria swirl frozen margarita. Oh yes.

      • No, they are cocktails, don’t like ’em.
        Give me a Long Island Iced Tea every time.
        Two of them and your legs don’t work.

      • Long Island iced tea. Mmmmm
        Many years ago my Mrs got absolutely hammered on these when we were on honeymoon. Literally carried her back to the hotel where she nonchalantly shit herself all over the hotel steps. Proper runny one too. I had to park her in the bushes near the entrance while I stumbled upstairs to get towels etc and smuggle her up to the room. Lost her to the big C 13 yrs ago but she was an absolute star. Even Ron would be proud.

      • MNC – We get margheritas pizzas too (tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese and fresh basil). Very nice. Basil has to be fresh though, otherwise it’s just cheating and doesn’t taste anywhere near as good.

        Margaritas on the other hand. Highly recommended. It’s a blend of tequila, orange liqueur (e.g. Cointreau or Grand Marnier) and lime juice. For the frozen variety, just throw that concoction in a blender with a bunch of ice. Sometimes add fruit like strawberry, melon, etc.

        Very refreshing on a hot sunny day when it’s nudging 40 degrees in the shade, light breeze, 50% humidity. Bliss. Oh wait, that’s never happened in the UK. Hahaha. Gotta love Texas in the summer. 🙂

      • I’ll have you know that we do indeed enjoy warm weather in the UK.
        We wear shorts and t-shirts when it hits 18c.
        We’re fucking hard as nails in’t North, can’t comment on the South pansies.

      • JP – Jeez! Long Island Iced Teas do some damage. They are seriously alcoholic. Not for the squeamish that’s for sure.

      • I love them, but 2 is my limit, and I can drink 2 bottles of wine without blinking.

        How big are the bottles? – NA.

      • Hi Y’all Meat Curtains (as they say round these parts).

        I do indeed live in Texas. Up near Dallas. Yikes, Corpus is a bit close to the hurricane action in the Gulf. You’re a brave soul, MC.

        Good to know there’s another cunter not that far away.
        Cheers – IY.

  8. A little fact that I am surprised more people don’t know is that most paper is produced from trees grown on tree farms specifically to make…..wait for it…..paper!

    They’re not cutting down the rain forests to make paper, FFS!

    Next time you get an email from a cunt who adds to their signature, “Think about the environment before printing this email”, reply and call them an ignorant cunt.

    Also, fucking virtue signalling cunting companies who constantly harass you to “go green” by switching to email bills rather than paper. To “help save the environment”. Erm….no it isn’t. It’s to help them save money by not printing and mailing a paper bill. Saving the fucking environment has nothing to do with it. Now if they offered you a quid discount on your bill by switching to paperless billing, then OK. But they never do. Cunts.

    Use more paper! They’ll plant more trees to make that paper and last time I checked, trees absorb CO2 and generate O2. Which is kind of good for everyone.

    And paper straws are fucking useless.

    • Interesting, IY.
      Food for thought indeed. I’m just too lazy and increasingly disengaged to research this stuff.
      I rely on ISaC to keep me au fait.

    • Yeah I wisened up to that. I make my bank send me paper bills for my business – my view is they can earn their £7.50 a month and send me a statement.

      • Fuck!
        £7.50 a month, money grubbing cunts.
        Santander charge me £4, but the interest and cashback on the utilities more than pay for it.
        So far, I’ve paid for my Simplicity cremation with my profit.

    • Totally agree. And fuck the vegetarian/vegan shit too. Bluddy adverts telling me that going vegan is better for thd planet, is it fuck! If everyone goes veggie, the ecosystem will collapse.

  9. I think the last time I used a straw was to drink school milk as a 5-year-old.
    Then Thatcher the Milk Snatcher took it from us, thereby decimating the straw-making industry and resulting in the slaughter of millions of cows.
    Me and my mates all got rickets.
    Thanks very much, Maggie, you cunt.

    • I remember that Geordie.
      I went blind for 2 years and lost all my teeth.
      Then Thatcher stopped free school ladradors and I really struggled.
      It affected me as a adult I hoarde milk and once did a armed robbery at a dairy.
      The getaway driver reached speeds topping 18mph.

      • Not a lot of people know this, but it’s my understanding that Thatcher played the crucial “Myra Hindley” role in luring young boys into the back of Grocer Heath’s Humber Super Snipe, enticing them with warm school milk oozing from her erect nipples…

        Pure evil the pair of them (pun not intended). May they both suck cocks in Hell.

  10. This is why I really like this site, serious shit, we have serious well informed posts, daft stuff, we can really go to town with the lunacy, and no one says ” hang on, a step too far”

    Hang on, a step too far – NA

    • That’s not what I was reading last night on here. I thought someone was basically told that they had gone way over the top ? Handbags and feathers flying everywhere from what I remember. No intervention and from what I can see just been left to carry on. Looks like things are just warming up again this evening. I’ll just sit back and watch. 🙄🤔

      What we don’t catch in real time, we review later and pay the protagonists a visit. The trolls, shit stirrers and insulters are moved along sooner or later. – NA.

      • Well Rob, it did indeed get somewhat heated.
        I’m generally laid back, what would upset me would upset a shitcart, as we say in Sheffield,
        But some things I really cannot let slide.
        I’m as amused as the rest, at fun poked at Catholics, Muslims and Jews, but there’s a mark, and it was overstepped.
        Old Jewish Cunt signing off.

      • It was a shit-storm last night, like a ghost from the past is back to haunt. Cheers for the message. 👍

    • At first I thought oops, then the old half sovereign dropped.
      You are a wag, NA.
      PS: my heart stopped beating for a couple of seconds, there. Please bear in mind that I’m a fucking old cunt.

      I just couldn’t resist the temptation of posting exactly your phrase. Childish I know, but I’d run out of peanuts to throw into DA’s cage and was bored. Glad ye ole penny dropped and you got the joke. Carry on – NA.

      • It’s definitely putting me off commenting. I don’t mind a bit of piss taking but it starts to look like the daily stormer, and if I’m honest, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of shit. Some of
        Its bordering on political canvassing for the easy solution through hate and violence squad.

        Be reassured GJ, that us admins do the best we can to weed out the bad eggs. Like yourself, we too want to enjoy the sweary rants, good debates, fairs points, witty retorts and classic one liners. What can often help us is either posting a comment highlighting something is getting out of hand or send Chief Admin a message via the contact us page. We’ll take it from there. Carry on – NA.

    • Wow!
      Just epic. That’s who I want my grand daughter to be, fearless and never giving up!
      She’s a bit of a tiger, already broken 2 arms at jujitsu, not deliberately I hasten to add. Sometimes shit like that happens.
      Elder and her hubby have both had to have surgery on badly dislocated joints and younger has metal plates and screws in her foot, as a result of bad moves in class.

      • You’d like my dog, he’s a cute chu, but you’d want to kidnap my cat.
        He’s a Bengal, called Dexter.
        He’s got a serial killer vibe going on.

  12. “If you can’t swill a drink then it’s not worth having.”
    Richard Burton circa 1973.

    • Unkle, the sneaky seemingly benign nature of Long Island Iced Tea invites you to swig it.
      It tastes like pop, goes down like pop, and on a hot day is exactly what you want to do.
      It’s fucking lethal, it’s a stealth drink, sneaks up on you and woosh, your paralysed, or paraletic!

  13. ppl need to grow the fuck up and not use straws…get a suck cup if you want to drink like a baby

  14. I’m currently watching Simon and Garfunkle, Concert in Central Park.
    Good Lord, they look about 15.I

  15. I’m currently watching Simon and Garfunkle, Concert in Central Park.
    Good Lord, they look about 15.

  16. Yeah, I get them from mcdonalds with my extra thick milkshake. The fuckin thing collapses in on itself on the first “suck”. That’s after I’m charged for a paper bag that falls apart just as I’m opening my front door, and the already cold food spills all over my driveway. Subsequently I get three days of projectile sitting from the burger that I bought, 5 hours after it was actually cooked.

    • Also, no one recycled owt, so no one gave a twopenny fuck what the straw was made of.
      Just saying, Greta.

  19. These small virtue gestures annoy me. Ages ago I browsed a local social media page with environmental concerns as their primary aim. It might read as sexist but most of the commenters were stay at home mums. I was most surprised at the level of enthusiasm displayed for the purchase of a bamboo toothbrush. There was unanimous and unquestionable encouragement for buying this trivial item. They acted as if they were carrying the entire global carbon footprint on their collective backs by owning one. I weighed in with a comment that was apparently not kosher and was promptly belittled. I left not long after never to return. Vermin.

  21. Too much like sucking through a toilet roll. I simply throw them away and sip from a cup.

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