A couple of years ago our fridge/freezer packed in. I cunted the fucker for all the inconvenience it caused us, not to mention the cost of buying a relacement. Well lo and behold, said replacement has duly gone on the fritz, springing an even bigger leak than its bastard predecessor. These days an amoeba has a longer life cycle.
Out came the engineer, and after some sucking in of breath and rubbing of chin, a professional opinion was proferred. ‘It’s fucked’ says he. ‘John Lewis can no longer supply a like-for-like replacement on this model, so call the warranty company, quote this reference, and you’ll get a full refund’.
And so it began. Ordeal by phone loop.
*brrrr…brrrr…*
‘Hi. Pleased be advised that your call may be recorded for training and security purposes. Details of our privacy policy can be found at burble blah… in order to connect you to the appropriate advisor, please select from one of the following six options burble blah…’.
*brrrr…brrr…*
‘Hi. Your call is important to us. All of our advisors are currently busy. Please hold, and we will connect you as soon as the next advisor is available…’.
*onset of cheesy music*. A minute or so passes…
‘Your call is important to us. All of our advisors…’.
And the loop of hell continues, along with your growing frustration and uncertainty. Do you hold, not knowing how long you might end up holding for, or do you hang up, knowing that you’ll only have to go through the whole piss-boiling cycle again later? I chose the former option, only to grow more angry with every fucking ‘your call is important to us…’.
So after 47 minutes of utter frustration, I finally got through to the most world-weary advisor I’ve ever heard. Time from the beginning of call to completion of the arrangement for refund; one hour one minute.
At least I was able to curb the urge to take my anger out on the poor sap at the other end of the line. It’s not his fault. For all I know, in fact he could have been the only ‘advisor’ working. The fault lies with the companies concerned; is it too much to ask that they might at least advise of average waiting time, or the caller’s place in the queue? Is it too much to ask that they could offer a call-back service at busy times? Apparently yes, it fucking well is.
Let’s face it; customer service is the last thing on the mind of most businesses out there. Their primary concern is the bottom line on the balance sheet, and customer service doesn’t bring in any lolly to add to the plus side. I don’t think they actually care for us at all in this respect.
Wouldn’t it be nice if they upped their game, and instead of telling us how important our call was to them, they started to fucking act as though it really was? ‘Your call is important to us’ my fucking arse.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
Smashing your phone or booting in your telly is over. Its to expensive. This bollox is expressly devised to shut you out, and shut you down,so you dont bother. They do not give a fuck. I prefer direct action. I wish I was a farmer with a tractor and a bowser full of pig piss.
15
https://non-carborundum.tumblr.com/post/181545943895/farmer-palmer
Ged orrf moi lahhhnd!
7
I just buy cheap and being Buddhist I couldn’t give a flying fuck.
1
Customer service, some are good, some are hopeless.
Having a call back service only works if the cunts actually call back š
I had an email and text from my energy supplier asking me if would like to take advantage of the smart meter rollout in my area, call our SMS on ā¦. Or follow this link to book your appointment.
A day or two later a text from the smart meter company telling me I have an appointment on Dec 6, text Yes to confirm, Cancel to rearrange or No to decline.
I ignored it, cheeky cunts.
Yesterday I got a reminder to say I hadnāt replied to the first text, well that should have told the cunts that I am not fucking interested.
13
I had several, increasingly strident(or desperate) texts from Eon for nearly a year telling me that the terms of my supply meant I had to have a smart meter fitted. They went as far as booking an appointment, despite me telling them no, and when I told them that they could fit it when I was dead they kept at it. I eventually told them to fuck off and changed supplier. At no point did I bother with the call centre.
13
Hehe, they are cunts, mind you it is the fucking government giving them targets to fit the bloody thingsā¦
There isnāt any reason for them other than to provide online meter readings, I know where I am using electricity, itās called a fucking switch.
I am happy to read my meter and send it to them via my online account. I would love to know if people who have had them fitted get messages from their supplier telling them that their usage has increase by 5% compared to last year š
PS, Eon are cunts and will have nothing to do with them.
10
I take meter readings every month which I provide online and log into a spreadsheet I’ve set up. I can tell at a glance if I’ve used more or less. How is a smart meter supposed to save me money? Knowing how much it costs me to boil the kettle to make a cup of tea doesn’t make it any fucking cheaper. I see no reason to make life easier for what I consider to be a bunch of grasping, thieving bastards and I’m fucked if I’m going to give the cunts the ability to limit, or even turn off, my power supply on a whim.
15
Very sensible, too, Moggie.
3
Smart meter can also be a cunt meter
2
Like most firms, they only care about getting you as a customer. After that, you can fuck right off.
Worse are the ones who have the ‘press 1 for this’ and you go through about twenty options until you hear the one you want, you press ‘7’ or whatever, and it’s a recorded message telling you general info (instead of speaking to someone because you need to sort a problem) and them it says ‘Goodbye’ and ends the call.
I’ve also noticed some of these cunts have got rid of the thing I always did. The one where you press fuck all and then you get an actual human, who then passes you directly onto another actual human if needed.
Some of them just end the call now, the cunts.
In fact, automated answering should be banned. It should be straight through to a human (receptionist) who then transfers you to the dept you need (with the only message being a voice saying your place in the queue every minute or so).
16
Local authorities are appalling as well in my experience. They’ve made it virtually impossible actually to get t speak to a living person.
They do everything to direct you on-line, as does British Gas. Then you try to get through on line, but first you have to register…
I’m sick of these cunts and their fucking antics. ‘Customer Services’; a fucking contradiction in terms if ever there was one.
16
Itās the other way round when they want dough from you.
I have an MBNA credit card and somehow they have figured out I owe them 31p. As I usually pay by post I can only assume I left the 31p off the last cheque. So fucking what?……just add it on the next bill.
No, not these cunts. They have been sending me text messages telling me to cough up by a certain date which I completely ignored. Now iāve had 2 text messages telling me to phone this number āconcerning your credit card ending ****. Fuck off, why should I ? Iām expecting a letter charging me interest on the 31p, a 12 quid late payment fee and a suspension of my card until I cough up.
Well they can fuck right off and kiss my arse while theyāre doing it. Theyāll get their cut up card back in an envelope and an invitation to see me in court for their fucking 31p.
Customer Services? They aināt got a fucking clue.
19
It is exactly the same with my Doctors surgery.
In total, I spent over 2.5 hours over three attempts, to get through to the fuckers.
When I finally got to speak to a human and make an appointment, the fucking Doctors played text tennis with me, to try and negate any face to face meetingš
When I finally got to the surgery, the four ladies behind the reception, did not answer the continuously ringing telephones, once.
The cuntsš
18
Our GP is great, a credit to her profession, but trying to get through has become a cunt.
When you phone, you have to run the gauntlet for a full two minutes; ‘your call may be recorded… if an emergency, hang up and dial 999…call for non emergencies only between 8am and 10 am… test results are given out between… if you have a new cough, fever…’.
Two fucking mins worth. It wouldn’t be so bad if you then actually got connected, but you get…musak. After about two mins, if your call hasn’t been answered, it simply disconnects.
Back to bastard square one…
15
I always press the button for New Business if there is one, it’s strangely amazing how quickly you get through. Another one is to cancel any Direct Debit you have, they usually write to you and often give you a ‘special’ number to ring which answers quickly, so you can pay them.
17
Great tip moggie. Must try that next time.
7
Exactly theyāre always quick and you can savour the salesmanās disappointment when he realises youāre just a regular payer who wants SERVICE how dare they
1
I had my business broadband with Vodafone, on the principle that they are all lousy at customer “service” so get the cheapest.
In the 21 months I was with them they managed to fuck up my online account for 14 months despite constant requests to fix it, and then not fix the payment issue on their end which meant they cut my service off TWICE. Arrogant, lazy, sneering little third world cunts in customer “service” who get paid for the bulk time they are on calls so string them out as long as possible then tell you a pack of lies and try and bait you into an argument – lazy, incompetent and dishonest.
But as a former call monkey for BT, Plusnet and Capita it helps to have “the inside track” as it were and all I did with Vodafone was charge them a cumulative of my wasted time as a bill and insist they pay it or I would see them in Court.
And they paid, every time – it was up to Ā£450 before I left them.
And a very, very good idea is to start the conversation with “and just to let you know I am recording this call” – if they start getting clever they are doing what they are trained to do which is to “own the call” – industry speak for treating the customer like shit, gaslighting and manipulating them and squeezing the most money from the customer and giving the worst service – it’s fkin marvellous when I reel off 10 minutes of legislation and then ask them if they are qualified to give legal advice – and if they “get shirty” it’s a quick complaint to the CEO’s office – works a treat! šš
Good service has its own rewards – as MNC and any of the other self employed people on IAC will know – be reliable, treat the customers with respect, give them a good deal and if anything goes wrong put it right, people ALWAYS remember good treatment and customers will keep coming back.
Bad service? Take your money elsewhere (if possible).
13
Evening Foxyš
Do you have customers that are regulars or repeat customers?
Theyre your ‘bread n butter’ arent they?
Best taken care of!
I have a few and knock off a few quid here and there.
Keep em sweet!šš
4
MNC@ Evening MNC, my gardening contracts are ongoing and I knock some off for pensioners, the disabled etc – a lot of my business is repeat custom, keep the customers happy and everything else falls into place.
Good customers are hard to find, always pays to keep them happy! šš
3
It’s fair to say that most companies just want you to fuck off once they have your money.
18
I ring “The Bereavement Team” number and put on my confused Country Bumpkin act until they transfer me to the correct Dept….then I drop the fucking act.
18
“We’re sorry, all three of our advisors are busy. We used to.employ many but now direct you to our wrbsite where you can do the work yourself and after agonisingly trawling through pages of adverts from our company trying to flog you cheap tat you don’t need or want, you might fnd the answer, though frankly it’d be astonishing. If you’d like a link sent to your phone so you can do all the work and we can employ fewer staff, Press 1. Alternatively, please hold and hope your call isn’t accidentally “dropped”.
{Piano chords to Elton John shit for the 100th time]
15
My personal favourites are: 1) being insistently told while in the queue that you can find answers on the website, when you’ve rang to tell them you have no broadband connection and 2) being told after a lengthy conversation about not being able to access your email account and just before they cut you off that they have sent you a link to reset your access. They’ve sent it to your email address.
I have previously had both of these scenarios happen.
18
When you eventually speak to a human, in my experience they are still blaming fucking COVID for their piss poor performance and myriad of staff at home, isolating and failing to respond to calls. Itās a fucking dossers charter.
As I said to the Dentists receptionist last week, itās now all wearing a bit thin.
18
Poor customer service is pretty much the rule of thumb nowadays.
The yanks tend to be good at it,
Or did, dont know if thats still the case?
The thing is, frustrating as it is,
Don’t lose your rag .
If you do youve lost.
Ive just halved my business mobile phone bill (plusnet)
I phoned and asked for my PAK code,
The code for retaining your phone number when going to another provider,
The lad dealing with me asked why?
I said my contract had ended years ago,
I had been a customer for years and now id been offered a cheaper deal .
He halved my bill and got loads more data!š
But why not offer me that before as a loyal customer?
16
Evening Miserable, hope you’re recovered after that savaging š you got last night from our resident poundshop Bob Monkhouse, hee hee, say no more!
8
Evening Ruff,
Oh im used to it,
Water off a ducks back.
Happened before sure it’ll happen again,
Always getting bullied me.
Know what it is Ruff?
Im vunerable.
And childlike.
š
And
4
Have a nice figure.
3
I managed to save the thread before it was deleted, for inclusion in my upcoming Xmas best seller blockbuster ‘ISAC Book For Boys And Girls But Not Transgenders’.
He tried his arm with me too awhile back – virtually word for word. It did not end well. For him. š
4
My life flashed before my eyes.
I enjoyed the dirty bits!
ššš
4
Evening Miserable,
This is Carravaggio’s most famous painting-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salome_with_the_Head_of_John_the_Baptist_(Caravaggio,_London)
I think JRC would like to see you thus rendered?
Me as well.
Yes I recommend him. Funny in my Nom I said he led a ‘colourful life’. Definitely a dodgy character fleeing powerful people of his time.
But actually his paintings are known for their bold colour. Specifically black.
Smufato Miserable. He didnt bother with that ‘smoky effect’ in how characters emerged from the background.
He’s all sbout DRAMA. Starkness. He really was the one of the originators of the ‘Baroque’.
3
Evening Miles š
Ive seen the painting before,
If you shaved the head itd look remarkably similar to me.
It was a good nom,
Sorry it got derailed.
Those Old master paintings are truly stunning but probably not something id put on the living room wall!
5
‘I managed to save the thread before it was deleted’
Without posting what was said RT. Can you say if my points to him were answered?
5
Bloody hell MiS, you havenāt been upsetting the New Mills Rainbow club agaaaaaain š¤Ø
You know how sensitive they are š
3
@ Miles. Your final post re: “Lighten up” and “Just googled this Geert Vanden Bossche fella” was unanswered.
4
Thanks RT.
4
Told you MNC.
Brian Sewell.
š
4
ššš
1
I used to use an insurance company in our local town. It was good doing business across a desk and the person would genuinely cut you a good deal and explain how / why you were getting the deal you got. They then moved into the nearest city, I continued to use them … they then moved to a single central office ‘down south’. They were now only a phone call away but turning into Cunts.
I’d been with them years and years. A couple of months ago, I called to renew my insurance first thing in the morning of the day it was running out at 12pm (leaving it late I know, but I’d other things to do) .. The first attempt was 41 minutes and the second attempt was 46 minutes, and all the time during the shit ‘elevator music’, I was reminded that … ‘Our staff know you are waiting’ … I guess that was the bit that boiled my piss when I eventually got through to a bloke at 5pm. Firstly he tells me their phones had been down ALL DAY, and secondly my renewal quote wouldn’t stand as ‘it had ran out.’
So a new quote was well above the renewal … ‘Was I wanting to go ahead ?’ .. I told him, no fucking way as, while I’d been waiting for them Cunts to answer earlier in the day I was trawling an insurance comparison site and got it for half of his renewal quote. He then says … ‘That always happens when our phone lines go down’ … Lesson not learned then. Any customer loyaly is is gone these days. Cunts
14
It’s a bloody joke.
We have a maintenance agreement for our house alarm, and recently got the usual letter saying that it was time for the annual service inspection. ‘Please call our 24/7 number to arrange’.
So I called at about 10.30 am, to be told by recorded message ‘we are experiencing exceptionally heavy call demand now. You may wish to call back later’.
2.15 pm. ‘we are experiencing exceptionally heavy call demand now, you may wish…’.
7.00 pm. ‘we are experiencing…’.
10.15 pm. ‘we are experiencing…’.
01.30 am. ‘we are experiencing…’.
Then the penny dropped. They just leave the same recording on at all times of the day or night, regardless of the amount of traffic.
Hung on, and was through in thirty seconds. Fucking useless cunts couldn’t give a monkey’s for customer service.
9
If my call is that important to you then employ enough people to answer the fucking phone.
14
…is the correct answer!
6
My favourite whilst working for an insurance company for break down cover the put the hold music as big wheels keep on turning. Either good banter or just absolute mongs.
3
Utter cobblers
3
I used to be with Virgin Media and fibre optic broadband. And to be fair to them I rarely had any issues probably because I sorted most of them out for myself.
However, there was one occasion where I had no choice but to call their CS (based in India at the time) due to one of their firmware updates to my broadband router corrupting and there was no way I could do a rollback.
Not only did I have to wait for an age, but I was then passed onto their 1st Line Support. Not only could I not understand what they were wittering on about, but it was clear they were reading from a script, and it didn’t matter how hard I tried they just wouldn’t move outside their tight little box.
They couldn’t resolve the issue so I was passed onto 2nd Line, and finally 3rd Line. I was hoping for a better standard of IT understanding from the 3rd line Muppets, but it was clear they didn’t have much of a clue how to rollback my update to the previous version. (All they had to do was send me the old version, do a hard reset, reinstall old version, reboot, reconfigure, test, job done) But instead they said they would send out a new router with the latest firmware version preinstalled.
Unfortunately it took 7 days to arrive, and it still didn’t work.
Turns out there was a conflict with the isolated modem not recognising the firmware in the router, so they sent out an engineer, which took another 3 days, and he replaced the router and the modem before everything was up and running.
10 days without home broadband (had to use 3G ad 4G dongles instead) and all they had to do is send me the older firmware by email and I could have had some access until the engineer arrived. But no, far too complicated for those CS cunts.
7
Virgin get a bad rap, but they’re not too bad. I phoned them recently, said I thinking of leaving and said “do what you can right now to retain me as a customer.” But I was polite.
Result: doubled my internerd speed, new virgin media equipment, more hd channels and 10 quid cheaper a month.
Surprising but true.
6
TtCE@ – Thomas/all – they all have what they call “retention options” which they pass you through to if you say you want to leave – get the right deal or leave, and always check you are not out of contract for anything because they then put you on a rolling 30 day contract and charge extra – “out of contract” customers are gold dust, especially in the telecoms sector and if they don’t offer a deal leave then re-sign, they give much more to new customers.
3
I’ve had my house insurance renewal quote, amazingly slightly cheaper than last year, and my boiler breakdown, which includes annual service, same price as last year and the year before.
You’ve got my business, pal!
5
Strange isn’t it?
Both our house and car insurance were about Ā£50 cheaper than last year.
Nearly fell off my fucking perch.
4
Due to houses being occupied more than usual and not going out and about so much, no doubt, but it beggars the question why the boiler cover has remained static?
I’m guessing it’s so you don’t swap it out for one of those air heating monstrosities you have to sacrifice half your garden for.
Hope you’re keeping well, Ron.
4
Great nom. BTW.
3
Cheers JP. And likewise yourself mate.
4
I buy second hand shite.
None of this customer care cobblers.
It either works or it doesnāt.
Brought a second hand Miele washing machine the other week for 40 quid, because the second hand Candy we hand 4 years kept blowing fuses.
I even twisted two bits of the thickest wire together 20 amp, I think, and it held it, until I got another machine. Luckily, it didnāt burn the house down!
Couldnāt be arsed with going to Currys or similar, and I am a tight cunt to boot.
Plumbed the ancient Miele in and it rattles like fuck. But it washes clothes. Iād rather listen to that machine banging away than some call centre bollocks.
And when the cunts try to sell you insurance for appliances, it really pisses me off.
6
Stick a couple of beer mats under it, a bit like Maccas ex, that might stop it rattling.
6
Iāve been fiddling with the feet because the floor is so uneven.
Got it somewhere near because it stopped see-sawing around.
Thanks, Iāll try some beer mats.
Didnāt help probably because I had to drop it on some tyres, I couldnāt hold the weight of it on my own any more. Thereās never anyone around to help you when you need it.
My strength has fallen to pieces the last 5 years dramatically. Itās frustrating!
4
Bit of bubble wrap down the sides might help, but not the back, oh no!
3
“…Didnāt help probably because I had to drop it on some tyres, I couldnāt hold the weight of it on my own any more.”
I’m hearing that… y’ can properly twat yerself shifting a washer single handed – good trick is to whip the top off, unbolt the massive concrete damper weight and hump that out seperately, that’ll shed 30lbs off the cunt so you’re just dealing with the chassis drum and motor, much more manageable.
0
It’ll probably last at least as long as our previous fridge (the cunt). Still, shouldn’t complain too much I suppose. I might have been on the dog and bone for over an hour to ‘customer services’ but at least I got my dosh back on the cunt.
4
Evening Dickš
Miele are the best washing machine you can buy.
Heavy as fuck and built to last.
Still get parts for them 20 yrs down the line.
I was given one off a customer.
Wife said she didn’t like it.
I gave it a friend.
2week later ours packed up.
I got home an the missus said
“Its sorted. Ive ordered a new one!
A Miele.
You said theyre the best!”
Had to go the bottom of the garden for 20mins till id got control of myself….š
7
Evening MNC.
A thousand pounds lighter in the pocket, well 800 at least.
Should have told her White Knight were the best!
I thought the Miele was heavy.
I dragged the Candy out by the wire, even got it into a skid on the back yard.
The Miele does look depressing.
I can see why your missus didnāt like it.
Itās gone nicotine yellow, a few basic push buttons and some bollocks about honeycomb written on it.
Well, you were certainly stung!
3
Yeah, I got that when I bought a new tumble dryer.
” But Dear Sir ( Guess where he was based), what if it breaks down?”
I’ll buy a new one, they’re not expensive!
He’s having apoplexy, I’m hanging up.
3
Iāve just confused Sadiq Khan for Jose Mourhino. Time for a drink.
5
Interesting Six.
Could you add a bit of background for context?
3
I was flicking through the news and up popped our favourite bud drivers son. Jose I thoughtā¦.
3
I just hope that SV wasn’t knocking one out to a picture of everyone’s favourite camel-bothering mayor, the way that I do to a picture of Dianne Abbott (wearing mis-matched shoes).
Phhhwwooaarr!
5
Nurse for Cunt Engine!
3
They do look similar.
Easy mistake to make.
3
Yeh thinking about it, I can see where you’re coming from. I bet Jose would be pleased at that one.
4
Time for a drink? It’s nearly 9pm, the sun’s well over the yardarm. I managed to restrain my self until 6pm.
3
To be fair, I was cooking food for the kids and their himboos. It wouldn’t do to drop the lamb I had to remortgage the house for on the floor.
3
Thomas you need help. Though in fairness if you can get it up for Abbott itās probably too late.
3
I’ve been thinking of working up a ‘Challenging Wanks’ nom but I’m not sure that it would actually meet Admin’s criteria as a bone fide subject for a cunting.
What do you guys think?
4
I think you may have a winner there.
2
I think itās a great idea Ron.
How would the wank be challenging though?
Would it be the subject matter that would be the challenge, or physical capacity?
2
Ron@
I bet theres not a challenging wank that cant be filled on ISAC.
Theres someone for everyone..š
4
Cherie Blair?
š¤¢
3
It would be the subject matter Dick.
3
Thanks I’ll get on the job.
The nom that is, before anybody says anything.
Mind you, the wife’s looking very alluring right now…
2
Naga Munchetty.
Canāt stand the look of her.
Looks like she is missing the pot off her head.
5
I just had to pretend I was coughing, again.
Thank you muchly, or should I say Munchettly?
5
She was good in those Tea-bag adverts, back in the day.
āCooo-eeee Mr Shifter! Bud, bud, budā
6
Evening General.
I thought iād seen her face somewhere before.
4
Evening Dickš
She lost that gig, she was caught stealing T-bags, for re-sale in her parents corner shop.
Nowadays, she just takes the piss.
Out of Whitey.
5
As my imagination is so vividly appalling, SV, I’ve recently done a “deep dive” in there (with the help of a few grams of ‘shrooms) and, during my psychaedelic wanderings I met many oddities and things both beautiful and horrific…but none so horrific in this universe or any number of parallel universes as the sight of a naked Dianne Abbott, her chocolate-coloured flaps spreadeagled and glistening with the cooling spunk of a panting and exhausted Jeremy Corbyn, his little commie winkle drooping rapidly.
4
Pull those flaps right open Thomas.
Would be like pulling hot face-down pizza off some lino.
Warm, sticky and still steaming.
Dive-in and have a taste.
You know you want to.
It makes sense, and you know it.
Donāt fight it.
Basque in the ambiance.
6
Like pulling apart a cheese toasty….
šŖšŖ
6
Be like a opening a George Forman grill that hasnāt been cleaned for years.
4
Where is Ruff? This filth should give him the horn for the rest of the year.
4
He’s probably wanked himself into a coma by now LL.
5
You are obviously confusing me with Cuntstable Cuntbubble.
Cease and desist, or you’ll be hearing from my solicitors in the morning.
3
Bask. Mind you basque sounds more exotic.
4
That reminds me, I must get mine dry cleaned for the Vicars and Tarts party.
The Vicar will be terribly upset if he can’t borrow it this year.
4
Abbott in a basque?
That fucker would look like one of the sails off the Mary Rose.
7
āBasqueā terrorismš
5
She’s soooooooooo hot!
https://www.thesteepletimes.com/movers-shakers/down-with-dumb-diane/
1
more like a turd in a hanky, mrs hanky poo
0
Bask. Mind you basque sounds more exotic/erotic.
2
It’s a long and winding road from automated call centres to Abbott in a basque. The strange and exotic world of IsAC is truly a wonder!
5
I wonder how many yards of lace you would need to make Dianneās basque?
Would definitely clear out the entire stocks of Nottingham.
6
Eleventy-four.
Reinforced gusset, obviously š
8
My challenging wank nominees are
Elle Symonds (water dw@rf)
Arlene Foster (irish bloke)
Sasha Johnson (dribbling doughnut)
9